Would Anti-Masker / CV19 skepticism be a deal breaker

[HaggisBurger]

This is I think a relationship Q tho relates to CV19.

I’m in the process of trying to repair a nearly broken 21 year marriage that reached crisis pt last year due to lack of physical & Emotional intimacy on my DH’s part & lack of decent & honest communication on both our parts.

Things have improved on all fronts after some very difficult conversations, marriage therapy (ongoing - DH only really agreed when he was saw I was in the actual point of leaving...he’d refused before)

He’s very rigid in his thinking and has become increasingly right wing over the years (Brexit was difficult as we were leave / remain but I respected his democratic right to his own view). But the pandemic has added extra strain. At start he was arsey about moving properly to give people 2m. He’s never worn a mask and has a lanyard saying he’s exempt (he claims it would cause him severe emotional distress - bullshit - which makes me so cross for victims of abuse and rape etc). He spends significant amounts of time on Covidskeptics. Org and quotes endless “data” from Carl Henighan (who I think is a respected doctor but always seems to be in the Telegraph & the Spectator) about false positives etc etc. He’s not a Covid denier & not quite a conspiracy theorist - but he is almost obsessional in his belief that the benefit of lockdown is outweighed by the cost etc (in terms of economy etc). I find it deeply unattractive, contrarian, unkind and also arrogant (like he knows better than scientists etc). It makes me question saving the marriage. He was also slightly Verbally aggressive yesterday when I suggested we may need to get one of ours sons tested as he had a cough. He’s not normally aggressive.

Am I being unreasonable in questioning whether this affects my long terms ability to live with this man? He may he slightly on the spectrum I’d say (due to family history and behaviour of other diagnosed family members).

Stop making excuses for him. He sounds like a real selfish arsehole.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly with some more flowery constructive advice but I bet I'll be along similar lines.

I’m not making excuses for him. Trying to give a balanced picture not coloured by my view that he’s being a pr*ck

He sounds lovely. Not.

Sorry but you are asking so you know the answer. Difficult position to be in but how much more difficult do you really think it could get .

Run fast....

I obvs can't speak for your DH, and im sure he has lits of good points that you havent mentioned, but for me it would actually be a dealbreakers yes. I can't be arsed with paranoids and conspiracy theorists, they are boring and tedious, and the majority are a bit dim. There are 3.5 billion men out there, why waste time on tedious ones?

Brexit and his other abhorent right wing views maybe one thing but they don't compromise your physical health. However being a covid denier and refusing to wear a mask may well be putting you at serious risk. Personally I would not be able to tolerate someone being so selfish and not respectful of my health and well being.

He reminds me of my ex, who I left after 30 years because of the abuse.

I would bet all that I have right now that my ex is also of similar Covid views.

I was certainly surprised he actually voted for Brexit, given he'd never voted in his life before. He wasa Leaver, spouting racist, xenophobic, sexist, misogynistic and homophobic views in the bargain. I had no idea he was so bad. I left with the DC, his attitudes became unbearable. (Not the only reason, but it underlaid so much other stuff.)

@funnylittlefloozie

I obvs can't speak for your DH, and im sure he has lits of good points that you havent mentioned, but for me it would actually be a dealbreakers yes. I can't be arsed with paranoids and conspiracy theorists, they are boring and tedious, and the majority are a bit dim. There are 3.5 billion men out there, why waste time on tedious ones?

He’s very very intelligent (surprisingly) but lacks empathy. He does have lots of good points. But we’ve been together for 25 years, have 4 kids so it’s not quite so easy as ditching without thought.

Yup red flags all over. Run for your life.

@HaggisBurger

I’m not making excuses for him. Trying to give a balanced picture not coloured by my view that he’s being a pr*ck

Nah. He's clearly a prick.

A pretty thick one, too, if he can't comprehend basic infection control.

All the very, very intelligent people I have met and known aren’t Covid deniers or conspiracy theorists. That seems to be reserved for the people who think they are intelligent (and like to prove their intelligence by sharing non-fact checked ‘proof’ that supports their opinions on social media (instead of living life).

That’s a really tricky one OP, and I feel for you. It would be so straightforward if he was an out and out tinfoil 5G conspiracy theorist - that’s clearly unliveable with.

But the Carl Henagan “the cure is worse than the disease” people aren’t as obviously unacceptable, on the face of it it’s just a difference of opinion about the right course of action, so I can see why you’d have trouble justifying it as a reason for divorce.

But in practice I can totally imagine why it could make day to day domestic life immensely stressful, verging on intolerable.

@LearnedResponse

That’s a really tricky one OP, and I feel for you. It would be so straightforward if he was an out and out tinfoil 5G conspiracy theorist - that’s clearly unliveable with.

But the Carl Henagan “the cure is worse than the disease” people aren’t as obviously unacceptable, on the face of it it’s just a difference of opinion about the right course of action, so I can see why you’d have trouble justifying it as a reason for divorce.

But in practice I can totally imagine why it could make day to day domestic life immensely stressful, verging on intolerable.

I feel like you’ve nailed it here (and really read my post). It’s more subtle than outright Covid denying or conspiracy. He doesn’t deny that it exists or think it’s to do with 5G.

And so it’s much harder to push back against this stuff. It would be MUCH easier and clearer if it were complete tin foil hat stuff.

@Dollyrocket - as a question of objective fact he’s a very very intelligent man. (Highly educated, has a job at which he is v successful that requires a lot of brain power). It would be much better and clear cut if we could say that all people with undesirable views = stupid. But that’s not the case here.
Rather, the fact is he’s put his considerable intellect to rather poor use by absorbing and repeating this viewpoint. And has not employed his empathy or kindness.

OP from what you have said I think his views are getting more unacceptable to you over time. How bad do you think he will be in 5 more years, or 10 or 20? Do you really want to be stuck with him for the rest of your life? I think it’s really telling that he wouldn’t consider therapy until he could see you were virtually out of the door. If he cared about you he would go when you first said you were unhappy and wanted to go to therapy, not as a last ditch attempt to stop you leaving.

You don’t have to leave immediately, it must be difficult untangling your lives with 4 children involved, but you should start to plan your way out. I don’t think you could be happy in a relationship with him if he carries on like this, or gets worse. You can leave simply because living with him doesn’t make you happy any more, it doesn’t have to be some big dramatic Eastenders style life threatening drama to justify you leaving. Life doesn’t have to be intolerable before you throw in the towel.

He sounds like an utter arsehole. I'd struggle to stay in the same room with him, let alone the same marriage. Honestly, the kindest thing would be to leave him and let him become the miserable, bitter, paranoid husk of a man he wants to be.

He may be super intelligent and highly educated , but he didn’t want to give people the recommended 2 m, and wears a lanyard to say he’s exempt as to do so would cause him emotional distress.
I wouldn’t go out anywhere with him I’d be way too embarrassed , that would cause me emotional distress . . He sounds like an arrogant selfish knob who thinks he knows it all . Yuck

I couldn’t be with someone like that, and can’t imagine why someone would.

@WeeMadArthur

OP from what you have said I think his views are getting more unacceptable to you over time. How bad do you think he will be in 5 more years, or 10 or 20? Do you really want to be stuck with him for the rest of your life? I think it’s really telling that he wouldn’t consider therapy until he could see you were virtually out of the door. If he cared about you he would go when you first said you were unhappy and wanted to go to therapy, not as a last ditch attempt to stop you leaving.

You don’t have to leave immediately, it must be difficult untangling your lives with 4 children involved, but you should start to plan your way out. I don’t think you could be happy in a relationship with him if he carries on like this, or gets worse. You can leave simply because living with him doesn’t make you happy any more, it doesn’t have to be some big dramatic Eastenders style life threatening drama to justify you leaving. Life doesn’t have to be intolerable before you throw in the towel.

Thanks @WeeMadArthur. That’s a big fear. That as he gets old he will become even more entrenched and miserable. If it’s not Covid or Brexit it will be ... whatever fun fest 2030 has planned for us and so on. It’s really really hard. I know he comes across as a dick from this snapshot / aspect of this behaviour. But he does have many many great qualities.

I guess too that a big part of me (despite being a highly intelligent and what most people would consider capable & forceful) is afraid of him unleashing that negative and slightly persecuted part of his personality on me and our kids if I decided to leave. I know it will be deeply unpleasant.

I guess too that a big part of me (despite being a highly intelligent and what most people would consider capable & forceful) is afraid of him unleashing that negative and slightly persecuted part of his personality on me and our kids if I decided to leave. I know it will be deeply unpleasant.

It sounds like the main reason you are with him is that you are frightened of his reaction if you leave. You are probably right to be afraid - I’m sure he will be an absolute abusive cunt to you, and will make the divorce and subsequent childcare arrangements very difficult.

But that’s not enough to stay in the marriage, in my book. You could be stuck with this abusive twat for another 20-30 years (assuming he’s in his 50s now). Even five years of shit from him would be worth it to be free after that.

Similar situation here. Not so much with the Covid thing, although he's very much on the side of keeping the economy going above everything else, it's more general politics. Like you @HaggisBurger I am 100% Remain and he is 100% Leave. It's not the difference of opinion that gets to me, everyone has their own thoughts, but it was the way he celebrated the 'win' back on referendum night, knowing how upset I was, and has pretty much continued obsessively ever since. He was also a Trump supporter, although seems to see what an idiot he is now, he's a Tory, a fan of weirdos like Peterson and Shapiro, and he thinks Farage is the greatest. I can't stand it. I too am trying to find a way out.

Your values and world views are fundamentally different.

That makes it incredibly hard to grow old together.

Honestly, yes someone being a covid denier would put me off them immediately. It shows they don't have any intelligence, that they believe they know more than scientists so it shows arrogance as well, and that they lack any care for anyone else because they are happy to put other people at risk.

A stupid, arrogant, uncaring person isn't the type of person I'm interested in. I couldn't talk to someone like that knowing that they know that or take them seriously, why date them?

Not know that, think that.

I have seen this middle aged man thing where they become increasingly contrary, obsessive, self righteous and intolerable with a few people I know - before you know it you will be married to Victor Meldrew - and that’s on a good day.

Your concern that he will be a v difficult person to separate from is your answer.

You are in an emotional prison with no bars.

Plan and plot your way out. No rush. Research. Investigate. Fantasise.

There are 9 types of intelligence - your DH lucked out genetically on the academic one and has had the opportunity to apply this to a career. This is fine but doesn’t deserve a round of applause and doesn’t trump kindness and respect for his family and society.

Watch and wait. You are not imagining any of this.