Examples of your ex partners narcissist behaviour and if you're happy you left them!!!

[Unicorns87]

Hey,

I've noticed that narcissistic behaviour in relationships (or in general) is quite common but isn't recognised or talked about very much in the real world.

I'm going through something in my life at the moment and find I doubt my instincts alot.

Please can you share with me examples of your Partner's or Ex Partners narcissist traits so I feel like I'm not being a drama queen.
Ive not had many good relationships and I'm starting to think that maybe this is all normal behaviour and Ill never find anything better so I may aswell stay.

TIA

Not partner but former coworker/friend/EA AP . I think he was more sociopathic rather than narcissistic.

Never apologised for anything unless he thought it would get him closer to what he wanted.

If I pulled him up on his shitty behaviour then he would gaslight me, minimize the behaviour, blame me for still being upset about it, pretend it was so long ago he doesn't remember or put the responsibility on me and accuse me of committing the very thing he did.

Had epic tantrums if I said no to anything. Unfortunately, muggins here was a people pleaser and hated seeing him angry so I would relent in the end.

Had very limited emotional capacity. He seem go from being charming, jokey, gleeful, which I mistook for joy, to rage or disappointment.

Zero empathy. If I was upset about something, he became sarcastic and said things like "You're not going to cry are you?"

Everything was always about him. He couldn't stand me talking about happy family anecdotes and accused me of rubbing it in.

His conversation topics were very limited. If he wasn't talking about what he wanted, then he would be bitching about others and how they wronged him.

Bitter and insecure. He was envious of his contemporaries at work, including myself, were all married with children while he was still single and living with his parents after being cheated on. I don't even know whether that bit at the end is true come to think of it or whether he told me to elicit sympathy from me.

Extremely entitled. If he wanted something from you, he would have no shame in demanding it and if you said no, he would override it anyway and violate your boundaries.

Plays the victim and guilt trips you into thinking that you will cause further hurt if he didn't get what he wanted. Yes, fucking muggins here, was a people pleaser and ended up spending more time with him than I wanted.

Accused me of being hot and cold if I ever said no to anything or wanted to break my association with him. The conversation used to go round in circles and it would be the same conversation every other day.

He didn't get on with some of his managers and they happened to be women. One of them was a lesbian and he once even said he thinks she didn't like him because he had more success with women than she did. Never complained about male members of staff though, unless I said hi to one and then he would say something negative about that person to me.

Tells lies without blinking or hesitating. It's frightening.

I could go on but it would raise my blood pressure. What the fuck did I ever see in him? I am glad this person is out of my life but my association with this person did an enormous amount of damage to my already eroded self esteem, emotional and mental wellbeing. Not surprisingly, it put a strain on my marriage as well. Looking back, I think I became codependent on him.

In a way, it was justice done to me for betraying my wonderful spouse. DH knew about him as I told him and he was remarkably gracious about the whole thing. This person is and always will be miles beneath DH.

DH does not hold this whole cringeworthy saga against me and reminds me to forgive myself and even forgive him (!)

Was accused of sexually assaulting a colleague at a staff party then flew into a rage when I found out because I wasn't supporting him.

Gaslighting was a major factor with my narcissist. Looking back it’s insane but he made me believe some completely mad stuff that was just untrue, but I entirely believe that he could have made me believe black was white if he had wanted to... he was really good at it!

One of them was a lesbian

What part of Lesbos was she from?!

Sorry, I'll grab my coat...

This might be of interest m

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist

I've just ended something with a narcissist. He lives on the other side of the world, is with someone else it turns out, won't leave me alone and still asks me who the hell I think I am by ignoring his ragey texts.

Thankfully I've been with a narc before so I know the games - which are all the more pathetic to watch when you know what you're dealing with. The self delusion and hypocrisy is incredible.

He'll get bored soon no doubt.

@borage13 I can identify with the ragey communication. I had the misfortune to bump into him after he was sacked left our place of work. When I simply walked past him without saying anything, he accused me of having the audacity to "storm past him". There was nothing he couldn't make something out of. He got off on the fucking drama.

@Ruminating2020 wow!!! Thankyou. That must have taken you some time to write.
I find it incredible that the things they do are so similar across the board. The traits are so textbook.

@Itsatoughgig That website was amazing. Thankyou for sharing. I've read the whole thing. And it has confirmed though that even if my husband isn't a narcissist on paper, the things he does are so selfish and wrong.

@Unicorns87 I did not have any knowledge about narcissists before and when I happen to come across it one day on Mumsnet, I read more into it and it was a major lightbulb moment for me. It was like the article had used him as the model narcissist/sociopath.

Another one that I hadn't mentioned and that came up on the article posted by @Itsatoughgig, is the dancing around and defining the relationship. Yes, in hindsight I was stupid to play with fire, and this does not take away the fact that I am responsible for the decisions I made, but as I was trying to keep things platonic he would want to get as close to the line and push over it and insist that we were lovers. blurgh.. definitely not envy.

I was married for 20yrs and he left me 2yrs ago, just going through a messy divorce. Through counselling I realise he has classic narcissistic personality disorder and that myself and my children endured many years of emotional abuse. So many incidents over the years now make sense. Too many to describe but here are a few:

• Always had to go to restaurants of his choosing, he always had to chose the wine.
• Always had to go to holiday destinations of his choosing. Went all the way to Florida for a holiday but wouldn't drive for an hour to spend the day at Disney because HE wouldn't enjoy it.
• He chose the family car - I had no say
• He was always more tired and more stressed than I ever was!
• Couldn't help with the children, go to parents evenings, help with homework, take to swimming/ballet lesson, do a supermarket shop etc because he was either busy or didn't fancy it!
• With home decorating or renovations it got done if I agreed with his ideas, if I wanted something different it never got done.
• His job was WAY more important than mine.
• He bought very expensive items for himself without consulting me but would question me if I bought anything.
• Shouted at the kids if they didn't do as he said.
• If I arranged a night out (rare) in advance and at the last minute something came up for him I was expected to rearrange or sort out childcare.
• Arranged golf holidays without telling me until the last minute.
• Insisted I had memory problems and even instilled that in the children, "Silly old mummy, always forgetting things"! OMG! There's so much more I could say, but you might get bored! Writing it down makes me realise how much I put up with!

@ArabellaRockerfella, what you said, except I left mine. I could be now living in a cardboard box and would still not regret leaving for one second.

-all nights out had to he something he enjoyed, would never agree to go to anything for my enjoyment only

-lined up my replacement before leaving suddenly though in retrospect, our last time together, when he shagged me 3 times in the space of 12 hours was fully planned

-oddly and obsessively critical of other people who had done him no harm, such as his neighbour

• history (I only found out later) of using women for sex while simultaneously claiming to be moral and a bit asexual

-had perfected an act of shy, boyish innocence to excuse the fact he couldn't bond with anyone

-hystrionic and loved creating dramas around himself

-very vain, obsessive eating patterns, spent lots of money on himself, including commissioning 3 paintings of himself! (2 ostensibly for work purposes)

-gave up his job, was unemployed and lived off his parents for 2 years in his mid thirties before setting up a not very successful business out of his hobby and using it to meet lots of women (dance, instructor)

-incredibly fragile when it suited him, suffering lots of minor colds and aches and pains which enabled him to cancel things at short notice and generally be unreliable

-never did anything g unless for personal gain

-no long term friends, cut people out of his life at will

Oh and another biggie - could not stand women who might outshine him. Always picked girlfriends who had no interests in common with him, except me, and he would show no interest in my achievements or be dismissive of them if I talked about them.

Astounding, unreal sense of entitlement.

The eyes...crocodile tears when caught out but you can see the wheels of calculation turning if you look carefully.

Break your stuff but don't lend their own.

Expect you to do all the graft side of parenting while taking undeserved credit and playing the hands-on Dad in public.

Flirts with others massively, in front of you, then gaslights if called up on it.

Only says thank you if there's sth to be gained in doing so.

Surrounds himself with people who admire him for the false persona and don't get it. But has to keep moving on because they end up finding out and feeling used. No true lasting friendships, just naive admirers.

Natural deplatformers, just on a more intimate level. Nothing about your relationship can be discussed unless they day so and they come out looking good/the victim/the rescuer but never "bad" (their term for being wrong).

Endless family memories trashed because they're not the centre of attention.

Forget special anniversary dates, every time.

My nana died. My Mam, Dad and brother(all my close family) were on holiday separately when it happened.

I said I was gutted they were all away, that losing someone when all your close family are abroad was hard. He told me off basically. HE was there, HE was upset because me saying I needed my family hinted that HE wasn’t enough. He’s an absolute bastard

Well some of things my husband does are

Tells a story about something that's happened to suit the conversation he's having with someone and the topic they are talking about.
Then he tells the same story but changes details about it to suit another conversation with someone else and that topic.
Then when I say 'hold on, you said the other day it was blah blah blah', he accused me of getting it wrong and swears blind that I've made it up.

He gives me the silent treatment for days if I so much as try to discuss something with him that he Instantly takes as criticism. Then when he's ready, he starts talking to me as if nothings happened and I'm not allowed to mention it again.

He cannot say sorry. Under any circumstance. Even if he knows he's wrong. He'll make me a cup of tea instead and I'm never allowed to mention it. But then if he takes something I say the wrong way, he demands an apology of me. (And I promise it's not warranted)

Obsessed with their looks
Used to say he was taught to appear quiet and lovely to the outside world but inside he was a beast 😳 And got away with everything and always had the last laugh m! My first warning sign, too late already had kids.
Always the victim, insults you badly, has a narcissistic rage over what most normal people Would brush off
Gaslights a lot, you are really mentally unwell, maybe you need tablets ? After being a bit down from having a traumatic birth, days after.
Insults all your family even though they have been nice to him.
His superior to everyone else and would often Say he was the best looking bloke in the area- underneath these types are insecure
Pretends to be your friend but sets you up, somehow very underhanded
Talks to you like a Child
Manipulative
Two faced
Pathological liars
Extremely charming, almost like you hit the jackpot
Critical ,did I mention very critical ?
Obsessed with food and certain things to eat
There is a lot more But this will do to get an idea
Just horrible Horrible people. Good luck

Another thing to tell whether you are suffering from the treatment of a narcissist/sociopath is that you are constantly feeling fear, obligation or guilt. Sometimes there may be moments of "highs" which is when you're in their good books.

Agree with they talk down to you when you've done something "wrong". You feel bad so you comply but you are actually being manipulated.

Not especially proud of this but I have in moments of resentment at this person googled his name followed by the word "death" or "obituary", but I realise all I am doing is poisoning myself again by letting him have so much power over my mind.

@Unicorns87

Well some of things my husband does are

Tells a story about something that's happened to suit the conversation he's having with someone and the topic they are talking about.
Then he tells the same story but changes details about it to suit another conversation with someone else and that topic.
Then when I say 'hold on, you said the other day it was blah blah blah', he accused me of getting it wrong and swears blind that I've made it up.

He gives me the silent treatment for days if I so much as try to discuss something with him that he Instantly takes as criticism. Then when he's ready, he starts talking to me as if nothings happened and I'm not allowed to mention it again.

He cannot say sorry. Under any circumstance. Even if he knows he's wrong. He'll make me a cup of tea instead and I'm never allowed to mention it. But then if he takes something I say the wrong way, he demands an apology of me. (And I promise it's not warranted)

Those are some narcissistic traits but on their own, it looks like that he may just not be very good at communicating his thoughts and feelings. However, the things that stand out to me are his gaslighting, lack of empathy and lack of remorse.

Is he ever disrespectful to you and do you ever feel you are walking on eggshells with him?

Healthy relationships should feel safe and you should be able to say anything honestly to your partner without fear or rejection even if they don't agree with you.

@Ruminating2020

You've hit the nail on the head with what you've said. And its how I'm feeling which is why I've written so many posts recently about how I'm not sure if it's just his personality, rather than abuse and narcissism.
Yes I think he has a serious issue with communication. When it comes down to our relationship and me wanting to explore and compromise our differences more.
But then when I think about, he can talk for hours about his own feelings, how people make him feel, about his day, what he likes what he doesn't like. So really, I guess it's all about what suits him. If I try to tell him about my day or my feelings that's when he he goes off the handle and accuses me of being negative and treating him badly.

And yes I always feel like I am treading on eggshells around him. Nowadays I don't really say a lot at all.

Actually, a perfect example is a couple of weeks ago go we went out with my sister and husband with their child and our son to a park.
He has been really rude to them lately. By ways of not engaging in any conversation with them. Slagging them of to me when they are not around and complaining about the way they do things. Infact, he just kept walking off away from us. My sister and husband have noticed it for sometime and have got pretty sick of it recently.

Then on Sunday just gone, we met at my parents and he was chatting away to then more than ever. Putting on the real charm (Infront of my mum and dad) and the conversation was all about him. All about is redundancy how they treated him, his new job etc etc. You couldn't shut him up

Has your dh been like this for a long time? It would be extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unable to empathise with you and disregard your thoughts and feelings.

Would he be open to marriage counselling and for improving communication and therefore your relationship or would he take that as a slight?

I hope you get to the bottom of this @Unicorns87 because life is too short for relationships where you're doing all the giving and they're doing all the taking. A healthy relationship shouldn't ever make you feel bad. At least not constantly.

@Ruminating2020
He has been like it (or I've noticed far more of it) since we moved in together 2 years into our relationship. There definitely were signs of it before that though.

I actually told him I wanted to do marriage counseling and would he consider it. He refused it at first saying he's not having more people telling him what he does wrong all the time. Then he considered it and we went to a trial kind of initial assessment thing. I told them the basics and when she asked him what he thought of everything he said, he politely and very charmingly admitted that he agreed with everything I said. But then he spent the rest of the session (40 minutes worth) going deep into his grandfathers (the one he never met) time in the war and how it affected his dad (his dad has the same narcissistic characteristics) which is why his dad so the way he is which is why he is the way he is and threw in some sob story in great detail which actually had nothing to do with anything. He contradicted himself about 3 times aswell because like i said before, he changed the stories to suit what he wants you to hear at the time.

Mood swings, gaslighting, jealousy of my achievements, lying, stealing, inability to admit wrongdoing or apologise, etc etc. So pleasant to live without all that crap.

So so many but the ones that stay with me is the last minute cancellation of any plans with my friends (always had a reason, had to work etc), never ever wrong, silent treatment over ridiculous things (such as leaving a cup on the table), treading on eggshells all the time, it is no way to live and I am so thankful every day that I am free