Need him to initiate more

[Wanttobeonabeach]

Hi everyone I could really do with some advice.

I've been on about 6 dates with a guy...we were friends previously and when we are together have a great time. It's not particularly easy as we both have young kids and he lives 2 hours away. We have been meeting in the middle. We have agreed to be exclusive.

He always texts me and initiates contact but my issue is with the initiating dates. He's extremely laid back where as I am more of a planner and I get very insecure about not knowing when I'm going to see him again. I do suffer from anxiety generally so I know this could be my mind just going into overthinking mode and I don't want to speak to him really and sound neurotic and put him off.

It's always me asking when we will see eachother...he does answer and then we see eachother but I worry if I didn't mention it would it even bother him!

So I'm unsure what to do...I thought about not doing anything and seeing if he does initiate but I don't want him to think I'm not bothered, or to miss out on seeing him.

Any ideas? He texts, calls and keeps in touch, shows up when things are arranged...I just want him to do more of the initiating date wise.

Tell him. He's not psychic (probably). He won't mind.

This is the most effort you’re gonna get out of him.
With time, he’s just gonna get more ”laidback” meaning lazier.

Yeah....

Just not sure if to say something or just leave it and see if he does get his finger out.

I know people have different approaches but I find myself getting very anxious about it.

I'd just leave it and see if he initiates it. If he wants to see you, he will do whatever is necessary to ensure he does. If he's happy with a pen pal, he will happily keep messaging away without asking to meet up.

Hi OP, I could have written this myself! The guy I was seeing is very very laid back. I had mentioned it to him and actually questioned if he was still interested and he absolutely insisted he was.

Unfortunately these are just words for me. He is lovely but I need someone who is on the same page as me. Not planning and not doing things together was a massive issues with my previous relationship (along with the fact he was emotionally abusive but besides the point). This is something that is very important to me so I have decided this new man is not the man for me, we are too different. There are no hard feelings and I wish him all the best ☺️ I am not telling you to end it btw, just giving my experience. Good luck x

Tell him! I'm quite bossy so happy to decide what and where haha (as long as I have a willing participant).

Thanks....

I just don't know if this is 'normal' I suppose. I feel stuck in limbo a bit, and as I have anxiety I'm unsure if I'm overthinking it.

To the PP who said tell him...when we first went out I did say I want him to ask and I prefer it that way. Probably pointless saying it again, and best to leave it and see if he does anything.

I'm not feeling great about it though.

@Needingsomeadvice2020 did your boyfriend not step up after you explained?

Leave him to do it but beware it might fizzle out.. just means he werent that into you sadly

My son is like that unfortunately

He say 'I'm happy to do whatever she wants' and thinks he is being nice.

Previous girlfriends have told him and his current fiancée tells him. He says he doesn't understand why it's wrong that he is so accommodating. I have told him it is not accommodating it is lazy and he says it's not that. He won't believe that he is being anything but reasonable and that women are just never happy.

So good luck with him, I suspect he is quite happy to be with you but is quite likely to be lazy about any form of relationship work.

(Oh and my son's father was exactly the same - part of the reason why he is a long gone ex)

No unfortunately he didn’t, we just aren’t suited

Your relationship is texting and then asking him out? Am I missing something? For example, do you FaceTime each other or chat on the phone regularly?

Doesn’t really sound like much of a relationship, certainly not one in which I’d be prepared to go “exclusive.”

Honestly I’d just be less available. Back in the day when people actually spoke on the phone I’d set an egg timer for three minutes and get off the phone when talking with men I was dating, otherwise an evening could go by and he’d think it was a date. It wasn’t.

Probably sounds manipulative to some of you but by forcing myself to do this I ensured a) I lived a full life doing other things, even if it was staying home sometimes, b) I never waited by the phone for a last-minute date call, c) I weeded out a lot of guys—swiftly—who were just not interested in putting any effort into me and freed myself to meet someone who was.

If you pull away, you’ll know soon enough. All relationships require effort, even the good and easy ones.

We text, speak on phone.

I'm always the one to ask when we are next meeting. He will arrange stuff after that first us to do. it's just the actual 'when' that's the issue.

This is the most effort you’re gonna get out of him.
With time, he’s just gonna get more ”laidback” meaning lazier.

I concur. After twenty years of no input into holidays , home improvements or pretty much anything it wears very thin

OP - you have been friends, have had 6 dates, and agreed to be exclusive.
Why are you feeling anxious?
This is really more of an issue on your end, as this is a very early phase of a relationship.

And I think if you want to make it (or any relationship) a success - it needs to start with you not getting to be this way, as it can be exhausting to be on the receiving end of someone being this insecure.

If you want more certainly for planning purposes - as you might given small kids - then why don’t you agree on a date night? Takes away some of the uncertainty.

If he really wanted to see you, you'd know, you wouldn't be posting on here about it.

He's lukewarm at best. I'd stop initiating anything. Again, if he really wants to see you, you'll know.

**This is the most effort you’re gonna get out of him.
With time, he’s just gonna get more ”laidback” meaning lazier.

I concur. After twenty years of no input into holidays , home improvements or pretty much anything it wears very thin**

I learned it watching my parents marriage.
My mom was/is so resentful.

Op, if you want a man who inities, you need to find a man who inities - not someone you need to ask or tell about, it just won’t last.
Because that’s not who he is.

Thanks all.

How often do you think you should see eachother at this stage? Bearing in mind both got kids and 2 hours away.

I don’t think there’s any set number. How often do you see each other now?

It’s interesting that you say once you suggest seeing each other he will then arrange something.

Is he the primary carer for his children? Is he on a demanding job? Does he not like to travel?

He is the primary carer yes...has a busy job.

It's been about once a week so far....I would like a bit more but not sure if that's realistic!

Leave it and give him the chance to suggest a date, chances are if he's contacting you frequently he's definitely interested in you but maybe your getting in there too quick and suggesting a date before him and you would want the relationship to be equal so leave it over to him for a change.

Once a week is fine in a new relationship, especially when both have children to care for.

Just sit back and let him ask for next meeting. Focus on something else to help alleviate your anxiety. Take things slowly with him, and enjoy yourself and your children.

@katiie3 this was the advice I got....similar situation

I had exactly the same with my boyfriend in the beginning, so I told him, and he was fine about it and just made sure he did make plans, so was all good 😊

Well he did suggest something but has now hurt himself so is talking about cancelling.

It seems OTT to me it's only like a sprained ankle!!!!!

Meant to meet tomorrow but says he will see how he feels in am.

It's driving me crazy.