Need him to initiate more

[Wanttobeonabeach]

Hi everyone I could really do with some advice.

I've been on about 6 dates with a guy...we were friends previously and when we are together have a great time. It's not particularly easy as we both have young kids and he lives 2 hours away. We have been meeting in the middle. We have agreed to be exclusive.

He always texts me and initiates contact but my issue is with the initiating dates. He's extremely laid back where as I am more of a planner and I get very insecure about not knowing when I'm going to see him again. I do suffer from anxiety generally so I know this could be my mind just going into overthinking mode and I don't want to speak to him really and sound neurotic and put him off.

It's always me asking when we will see eachother...he does answer and then we see eachother but I worry if I didn't mention it would it even bother him!

So I'm unsure what to do...I thought about not doing anything and seeing if he does initiate but I don't want him to think I'm not bothered, or to miss out on seeing him.

Any ideas? He texts, calls and keeps in touch, shows up when things are arranged...I just want him to do more of the initiating date wise.

Am I being mean? I mean I know he is in a bit of discomfort

Ok I'll be blunt - How many ways can he tell you he's not that bothered about seeing you, before you'll get the message?

I think this was going to be hard from behind the off, I mean, I like driving, and have done long distance pre kids, but with DC and a job, I just doubt it's practical to start something up with someone who lives 2 hours away, it's always going to be hard. Find someone nearer, just not too near, like 1/2-1 hr is about right.

@Wanttobeonabeach

Yeah....

Just not sure if to say something or just leave it and see if he does get his finger out.

I know people have different approaches but I find myself getting very anxious about it.

You anxiety might need looking at, but at the same time, you seem to have a fundamental difference in character which I think is only going to grow as time goes by. I can just hear you in a few years' time complaining that he never does anything around the house or expects you to give him instructions on what to do, leaves you to do all the holidays & event planning, leaves you to remember the kid's doctor's appointments whilst he gets to just turn up to the fun stuff. These forums are full of women who complain of marriages just like that.

There's a fine line between laid back and lazy. Just something to consider.

Thanks.

It's instances like today. As I said he did mention meeting tonight then injured himself. He said yesterday he would let me know how he is feeling today.

Not heard a thing yet....I just feel it's very inconsiderate to leave me waiting like this.

@LiveFromHome

Ok I'll be blunt - How many ways can he tell you he's not that bothered about seeing you, before you'll get the message?

Mmmm....yes. There's laid back which is fine, but it could also be a case of 'It's nice when we spend time together and I'll turn up if she asks, but if I never see her again it wouldn't really bother me'.

I spoke too soon. He has come good today.

I like to plan things in advance. My husband likes to do things on the spur of the moment. It's ok for me as we've been together years now. However, don't let your anxieties spoil things. Maybe just talk to him and explain!

My current boyfriend (only a newish one - a bit like you OP!) is like this, but I think it’s because I have a kid and he doesn’t, so to a greater extent our dates have to fit around when I am free.

A few weeks ago he also asked me what I felt about our relationship (nothing mad heavy - just did I like him and want to keep seeing him - I thought I had made it clear!) so I wonder if some of it is him not wanting to ask me because he feels insecure. This could be my fault - I am a bit scared of getting hurt so maybe come over as less bothered than I actually am! Trying to change that.

Keep this in your mind:

“If he wanted to he would”

If he wanted to be sweet and make you feel at ease or comfortable, or even spend time with you, he would.

You deserve better, and yes I have been in even worse and more humiliating positions in my life. Don’t learn the hard way. I am a stranger on the internet and even I want better for you.

Thanks for your help on my thread.

Well I left if last week and after about 3 nights passing where he could have seen me but didnt I explained I can't do it anymore and it's making me feel awful his lack of effort. He tended to agree and said it's not working. Ideally I wanted him to say sorry, be bothered about me feeling like that but i didn't expect that to happen ☹

Since then he's been in touch intermittently. I've had some great advice on the dating thread and have held off making contact and making a bigger fool out if myself.

I'm just very much missing him today...more the 6 month friendship we had previously.

I'm dying to message him...please remind me if he gave a crap he would message me right??