Teenage daughter horrors

[Sadpop]

I do not use the title lightly! I have been a very active dad since me and my partner split up when my daughter was 4. We have had our ups and downs but largely we have got on very well and always had quite a bit of a bond. I'm really scared that it is breaking apart, she is 12 now and 13 at the end of the year.

Pretty much when lockdown started things began to get really difficult, she began to get hugely disruptive whenever she saw me. Refusing to adhere to hardly any coronavirus directives from me, my partner (or indeed her own mum) we ended up having 10 or so arguments a day. Believe me, I tried to not have any of them. Sometimes it got so bad that whilst walking her back from mine to her mum's she would deliberately touch everything she could just to show how much contempt she had for any coronavirus instruction I would give. This would have been galling enough without the shielding relatives that we have.

This was kind of where it started and it descended into a situation where literally everything is an argument. She has not said a pleasant word to me for 6 months, this really is not an exaggeration. Every time she comes over I try my hardest to be pleasant and every time it is met with contempt. The saving grace in all this is that she gets on very well with my partner's daughter. Thick as thieves they are but it is a bit of a double edged sword as they back each other up in any idiotic arguments. It is good to know that she can be pleasant with someone though.

I know that teenagers are meant to be difficult but surely not this difficult? I want to ensure that actions have implications but when she is with me she is unpleasant and badly behaved all the time (about 50% of the time when with her mum) so I kind of feel that it is a waste of time. She does not care that she might want something later in the day, she will not be pleasant to get it (at least she is not false!) she seems not to care about the implications.

I am thinking of suggesting that she cannot come over to stay unless her behaviour changes and I wonder what anyone who has been through anything like this thought? Of course to a degree I know that she will not be happy cos she will have less time with her stepsister and she will hate me for punishing her but something has to change, she is ruining our family life. Am I right to continue with the behaviour has to have implications line?

Just an idea but maybe your WiFi could go down on her arrival?

Sorry to be blunt but are you for real? Of course you shouldn't tell your daughter she isn't welcome to be with you. She's not a visitor coming to stay, she's a child who happens to have two homes.

This is a really hard time to be a teenager. Be consistent, be kind, pick your battles.

Please don’t stop her from coming to see you, her time with you should never be conditional, you’re her father. She’s obviously struggling with something, whether it’s hormones, covid or something else. Sit her down when she’s calm and explain that there needs to be a change, she’s obviously upset and you want to help her but manners are a basic necessity. You’re not her punching bag. Maybe write out some family ground rules and have her sign it, with clear consequences if they are broken that she helps to think up and agrees to. Losing access to tech or pocket money works well in our house. But don’t stop her coming to see you. You need to show her you love her and are there for her no matter what.

I agree that there has to be implications to her behaviour. But I do t think banning her from coming to your hone is the right thing to do.
It tells her that your home is not her home.
It dumps more pressure on her mum.

I think turning off the WiFi might be one option. Or love bombing her (if you can bear to ). Or taking her out all day every day. Or asking her what she wants to do? Finding a joint hobby?

I don't know, I've got a 12yo who's hormones and yearning for independence are also causing waves at home.

Love bomb. Kill her with kindness. Honestly, please don’t push her away and perhaps try and let things slide.

Ok she touches everything to wind you up- don’t get wound up. When you drop her back to her mums, she will wash her hands. And tell mum, oh DD needs to give her hands a wash. Then hug her and say bye, love you all cheery.

Get her involved in stuff. Stuff that’s side by side and in the non confrontational face to face chat. Make dinner- hand her the salad to wash, the cucumber to chop, the carrot to peel.

Play dumb- so when she says we did XYZ at school today, just listen. Don’t add in oh yes I did that and talk about it. Let her tell you.

Buy her the odd little gift. A lip balm, a fancy pen. I frequently but now and again. Show her you care. Tuck her in at bed time. Make a fuss.

Teens need lots and lots of your conditional love. It’s helpful to think of them as regressed toddlers.

Boundaries too. I am NOT for one second saying change the house rules or whatever but maybe you need to think about which hill to die on.

I would have her in your house but find some other way to punish her. Someone else mentioned taking out the wifi. Maybe that?

You can’t tell her she can’t come over. You’re her parent, what if her mum said that as well? Parents can’t just opt out of their child whenever he/she is unpleasant.

Teenagers can be hard work, but it’s the parents’ responsibility to teach them and tolerate them while they’re in this awful phase.

**unconditional!

You need to parent her properly during her time with you. I know it's tough, but the answer to challenging behaviour is not to stop parenting at all (which is essentially what you're suggesting).

Talk to her mum and come up with a consistent plan so bad behaviour has the same consequences in both houses. Also, talk to your DD. Is she upset about something? Is something worrying her? Why does she think that the two of you aren't getting on so well atm and does she have any suggestions to improve things?

You can't refuse to see your daughter because she is misbehaving. That's ridiculous, you're her dad!

Teens can be awful but don't discount the possibility that there's a reason behind her behaviour. It could be friendship problems, self image... anything.

It could also be a delayed reaction to her parents splitting up. I know this was the case for me when i reached my teenage years.

In any case, my dad made the effort to speak to me one on one and reassured me that he loved me regardless of my behaviour (though of course there were consequences to me being rude etc). Because of this we have a fantastic adult relationship. If he had stopped seeing me even for a short time I doubt I would want to have a relationship with him at all.

Whatever the reason for your daughter's behaviour, it is yours and her mum's job to help her through it (even if it is just naughtines). Don't let her down.

@GetUpAgain

Sorry to be blunt but are you for real? Of course you shouldn't tell your daughter she isn't welcome to be with you. She's not a visitor coming to stay, she's a child who happens to have two homes.

This is a really hard time to be a teenager. Be consistent, be kind, pick your battles.

This.

Thanks all!

Sorry, I was not clear in my original message. Of course I am not saying that I do not see her, I don't want to load any extra burden on her mum, plus I do want to see her, I am desperate to work this out.

My point (poorly made) was that she won't talk to me atall and makes life hell for everyone (except her stepsister) pretty much all the time, which is intolerable for me and my partner and smothering and I think unsustainable for her stepsister. Plus really not good for my daughter! I am suggesting that a consequence of this behaviour if it does not stop is that I meet her independently of an evening and then drop her back to her mum's late or that she stays when her stepsister is not here unless she is civil to everyone else.

I have a dd12 who is being a nightmare too, counterposing me and dh- not covid rules (yet). soooo hard. I think you still have responsibility for her in the rough times its not fair on her mum otherwise. can you ignore her behaviour a few times so its not against you, the old adage "you can control your reactions but not her actions" or whatever? we are trying to ignore dd12 behaviour, running out of mealtimes, stealing stuff, lying, screaming, didnt say a single word to us for 12 hours straight...hang on in there she will come back to you

I was that child. As a PP said, 'regressed toddler' is absolutely spot-on.

Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them - rudeness, swearing or whatever is no tolerated and will result in sanctions. Running her hands over walls on the way home is to get a rise, and you're best just laughing.
What she needs more than anything is to know that you are there whilst her brain is doing circus tricks for the next couple of years. There is an end to it, I promise!

sorry missed your post yes take her out for dinner but only as a one-off so she can have time with you all by herself? see how it goes. I should probably do something similar with my dd12! its easy to dish advice but your post might be the catalyst I need.

I really think you need to pick your battles and really don't agree with banning her from one of her homes - she is your daughter.

However, I wonder how many battles you are having, especially about "Covid directives" which are unecessary. For example you say she will touch everything between her 2 homes just to be contrary, I'd let her. I'd stop pulling her up on it. My attitude would be "I don't advise it, I think the virus is very real and is could potentially harm our family and others. But if this is the way you want to act then I am not having that argument with you so carry on". It's amazing how fast something can change when you stop having the argument.

I am suggesting that a consequence of this behaviour if it does not stop is that I meet her independently

Don't be ridiculous.

She is your daughter, you are her family. If you and her mother had not split up this wouldn't even be an option and it should not be an option now either.

All teenagers (well, most) are a pain the arse, that's their job, you just have to survive this phase. Consequences need to be in place for specific behavior, not overall unpleasantness, but not coming to stay with you is not an acceptable consequence.

I thought it was interesting that you said "she is ruining our family life", and if she wasn't there then that would be easier..... isn't she a very important part of the family? Isn't her being excluded going to equally destroy your family life?

Do you say this sort of thing to her? Does she maybe feel like she isn't very important in the family?

"My point (poorly made) was that she won't talk to me atall and makes life hell for everyone (except her stepsister) pretty much all the time, which is intolerable for me and my partner and smothering and I think unsustainable for her stepsister."

Adolescents can be a joy but they are no doubt difficult - we have two teens in our household and things can get very lively. You are only parenting your D part of the time and clearly not getting enough practice in dealing with adolescents. That's on you to work out and get with the programme.

Starting with your priorities. Your daughter should come ahead of your partner - who is another adult and needs you less, when all is said and done. And why would you interfere with your daughter's relationship with her step-sister?

You are showing poor instincts around how to deal with this. For a start, show a bit more empathy - put yourself in her shoes instead of relentlessly seeing everything from the perspective of a middle-aged man. Perhaps she is feeling neglected and side-lined. You have suggested not allowing her in your home (which should also be her home) and keeping her away from your partner and her step-sister. So the message you would be sending is "when push comes to shove, my partner and your step-sister are more important to me than you are". What the hell kind of message is that to send to your adolescent daughter?

And surely you know that telling her off for everything little thing that she does will simply encourage her to keep doing it? For children, even angry, poor quality attention is better than no attention.

As PP have said - show a friendly interest in your daughter. Grab opportunities for non-confrontational sharing. Share activities. Cook. Listen to music. Watch a film together. If nothing else - use your journey times to and from places as a time to be happily together.

And read up on how to parent teenagers (as I said above - your instincts on this are off and you need some guidance - no shame in that: I frequently refer to parenting books - they have some great tips in them - I find the "How To Talk So [Kids/Teenagers] Will Listen" series particularly good).

I went through a tough time with my DD and it does get better. I think you need to focus on spending one on one time with your DD. You can't expect her to turn up and seamlessly slot into your current setup.

Ignore as much of the bad behaviour as you can stand (as long as it isn't anything that requires an immediate response/sanction). Like the 'touching everything' because you've said don't touch stuff. Ignore it. She's only doing it to get a rise out of you.

Teenagers seem to exist solely to argue, sometimes. Often there isn't even a reason (if hormones don't count), it's like they are driven by this little itchy demon to counteract every single thing you say and do for them.

Pick your battles. Be firm and consistent with boundaries. Be enthusiastic, empathic, happy to see her and ignore anything you think is just to annoy you. Perfect the single raised eyebrow.

I am thinking of suggesting that she cannot come over to stay unless her behaviour changes and I wonder what anyone who has been through anything like this thought?

No.

Conversely what is likely happening here is she is going through teenage feeling of worthlessness and self doubt. She may have it in her head that no one likes her, struggling socially at secondary etc- friendships change as the mature at different rates.

Her battles with you are her “proving” to herself that she is right. She is pushing you into rejecting her. If she is putting a lot of effort into maintaining peer relationships this is her showing no one likes he “real self”, which isn’t sweetness and light all the time.

By stopping her coming round you are confirming to he that she is unwanted and unlovable. She will be devastated but won’t show it, because if you don’t love her as she how can she change things?

It sounds like psychobabble but I went through it as a teen, and I am going through it now with my own teen. All we can do is tell her we love her, and we do enjoy having her around. She hates herself when she gets in one of her moods which compounds her idea that she’s unlikeable.

I like the ideas of turning off the wifi....but won't she just switch to mobile data and use that instead?

Teenage girls can be really hard work. Mine went through a stage for about 2 years but she came out of it and yours will too. Just do what others have suggested.

Dery
"Starting with your priorities. Your daughter should come ahead of your partner - who is another adult and needs you less, when all is said and done. And why would you interfere with your daughter's relationship with her step-sister?"

Definitely this. Please don't shut her out, your home and family should be her home and family too. Exclusion will only make her worse.

raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens