Teenage daughter horrors

[Sadpop]

I do not use the title lightly! I have been a very active dad since me and my partner split up when my daughter was 4. We have had our ups and downs but largely we have got on very well and always had quite a bit of a bond. I'm really scared that it is breaking apart, she is 12 now and 13 at the end of the year.

Pretty much when lockdown started things began to get really difficult, she began to get hugely disruptive whenever she saw me. Refusing to adhere to hardly any coronavirus directives from me, my partner (or indeed her own mum) we ended up having 10 or so arguments a day. Believe me, I tried to not have any of them. Sometimes it got so bad that whilst walking her back from mine to her mum's she would deliberately touch everything she could just to show how much contempt she had for any coronavirus instruction I would give. This would have been galling enough without the shielding relatives that we have.

This was kind of where it started and it descended into a situation where literally everything is an argument. She has not said a pleasant word to me for 6 months, this really is not an exaggeration. Every time she comes over I try my hardest to be pleasant and every time it is met with contempt. The saving grace in all this is that she gets on very well with my partner's daughter. Thick as thieves they are but it is a bit of a double edged sword as they back each other up in any idiotic arguments. It is good to know that she can be pleasant with someone though.

I know that teenagers are meant to be difficult but surely not this difficult? I want to ensure that actions have implications but when she is with me she is unpleasant and badly behaved all the time (about 50% of the time when with her mum) so I kind of feel that it is a waste of time. She does not care that she might want something later in the day, she will not be pleasant to get it (at least she is not false!) she seems not to care about the implications.

I am thinking of suggesting that she cannot come over to stay unless her behaviour changes and I wonder what anyone who has been through anything like this thought? Of course to a degree I know that she will not be happy cos she will have less time with her stepsister and she will hate me for punishing her but something has to change, she is ruining our family life. Am I right to continue with the behaviour has to have implications line?

She needs help, she needs love. She is struggling and you don't see that. You only see she is "not pleasant", and she is "galling". Please, put your ego aside.

So what she touches everything to annoy you? My 8yo does the same. They want a reaction.

It looks like you're more concerned about proving "who is the boss" than anything else.

Help her. Listen to her. Be available. Make her FEEL SAFE when she's you.

And put your ego aside. You're the adult. She's a CHILD.

Do you even know why she's behaving like that? The only thing I read on your post was ME, ME ME. No wonder she's unhappy.

Stop her coming over, parenting doesn’t work like that, you can’t just pick the pleasant years, ditch during the challenging.

I know it’s very challenging op but think what your daughter is going through. Her hormones are exploding - she’s either starting or about to start her periods. It’s such a hard time for a young girl. Have patience and as another poster said - definitely pick your battles!! You could row with em all day otherwise. If you get a lull in the rows and anger, gently tell her that it’s tough being a teen but you’re always there for her (just so she know you’ll always love her, as they become quite unlovable sometimes!) I’m the mother of daughters who became people I didn’t recognise for a couple of years. This is the time where if you show enough love and kindness, it will cement your relationship.

Meant to add - if she was your friend before all this, she will be again after!

Instead of trying your hardest to be pleasant and tolerant, you might try the opposite tactic , a really furious angry face eye-popping loud shouting PARENT ROW in which you lay down the law about her behaviour, manners, attitude etc.

 Sometimes   insecure  kids are just testing how much they can get away with,  to make sure  the parental  boundary is still in place and keeping them safe..

Still a hard no on the update you have supplied.

You cannot put your child out of your house for being moody and surly.

My dd 13 is never happier than when I lay down the rules... Being a df not insisting in some is bad parenting.
My ds's actually went nc with their df due to lack of boundaries...

I was a bit of a nightmare, especially for my dad, when I was that age. I grew out of it. My dad NEVER let on that he found me awful and difficult to like, he carried on parenting me in the right way and showing me that he loved me. If he'd tried to avoid seeing me or kicked me out of the house I'd have stropped off and our relationship would never have recovered.

Your DD needs you - puberty can be AWFUL, her brain is, as a PP says, doing circus tricks. You need to have boundaries, but you can't tell her she's not welcome in your home, what a terrible thing to do to a child.

She needs a good smack.

You need to back off a bit. Let her go a little. She’ll come back when she needs you.

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?fbclid=IwAR11k5HUkOXcpeaz8YsAx678zOmtca_wWLRk-KP2_uEmnNR2em6vSYwiwIA

You want to prevent her from entering the home she shares with you unless she behaves a specific way.
If you do that, what will happen is:

• she will increase the unwanted behaviour
• your arguments will get worse
• either 1) you will throw her out of your shared home, or
• 2) she will refuse to see you any more and
• in either case, she will see it as you having thrown her out and rejecting her.

I guess you were a very different kind of teenager and find it hard to empathise with her?
Have you got any books about parenting teenagers?

Hi again everyone and thanks again for the advice, it was really interesting to read all your perspectives.
I am about to create some ground rules and this is really helpful, I hate having rules, maybe I will call them guidelines.-To address some of the other suggestions wifi is a huge issue in the house for all sorts of complicated reasons, I hate how kids are being damaged by social media but on the plus side my daughter is less bothered than most about appearance and pleasing her peers, though I have no doubt that it is an issue for everyone. We will work at limiting it.-Love bombing is always a good idea!-Getting involved in stuff, I'd totally love to do, we used to do a lot, I still suggest a lot, she is rarely interested alas. I guess I will keep on trying.-Talking to my DD about what is troubling her; forever trying, I'll keep going. Some of what you suggest could indeed be issues Mlkshake7489-BlueJava, that is an excellent response to ignoring advice!- JojoMcghee and Dery, I have certainly said things I regret but I tell her that she is my number 1 priority regularly. And Dery, thanks I will check out the How To Talk series. Truth is that though I used to work in a job where I had to be the number one point for conflict I don't like it atall. I also worked in a play centre where the kids were 12-14 and I found them really easy to deal with, I was left with the impression that teenagers were not as hard as everyone made out. I guess my impressions left me ill prepared.-bluebluezoo, that is a really interesting insight. I do get the distinct impression that she is doing it on purpose to test me a lot of the time!

Thanks again all.x

I also worked in a play centre where the kids were 12-14 and I found them really easy to deal with, I was left with the impression that teenagers were not as hard as everyone made out

Other people's are fine!

Welcome to the world of teens, it will get worse before it gets better. However it will be worth it when she is older.

It would be interesting to know what her take is on your parenting because so far you've put all the blame on her behaviour. Maybe you are too strict, have too many rules, don't listen, put her down, treat her like a young kid, It might be worth thinking about or even asking what you could do to help change the situation. What could you do better or differently? Ask her. I'm not saying you have to completely agree but it might give you a clue.

I have a 12 year old girl. They are, well all 12 year olds, incredibly sensitive at this age and cry at the drop of a hat, misconstrue and are very self deprecating.

My friend is / was having a really hard time with her 12 yo dd a month ago and I could see exactly what was happening and it looks as if the same is happening with the two of you. Her dd told me about some incidents from her perspective and her mum told me about them from hers. I explained to her mum her dd is seeing no as a red rag and a word to be avoided (ie still enforce boundaries but use words other than no) and to start looking at what her dd is trying to communicate to her rather than seeing things from a middle aged mum’s perspective. Much like the brilliant advice you’ve had here.

Misunderstandings easily happen. Eg a look the wrong way, silence when a word is needed, shutting a door after an argument because you need a few minutes to gather your thoughts or even for personal hygiene reasons can so easily be misconstrued.

To be honest, it didn’t take very much at all to get them on the same page. I could see how much they were hurting and both need the other to tell them just how much they love and mean to one another. Parenting can be really tough. But so can being 12!

If you start from the position that love and care is what your dd needs rather than starting from a fighting position, you will find harmony a lot quicker. Love bombing seems to work brilliantly with angst ridden kids. You can still have good boundaries. In fact they’re much easier to enforce when your child knows they can tell you anything or do anything and you will still love them.

As for books. “10 Things Girls Need Most” by Steve Biddulph is very accessible. I’ve read others but this one is great for someone with not much time on their hands (I bought it mainly for dh) and has some good points. SB also wrote Raising Girls, which I haven’t read but has good reviews. I have read the “How to talk to kids” book suggested upthread and it is very good but your dd is too old for that now - I expect the teens one will be equally good.