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Relationships

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Original poster

Any other overanalysers want to help me overanalyse messages from FWB?

68 replies

BobbyBlonde · 29/09/2020 05:26

NC because reasons.

Over the summer I dated someone for about a month. It was quite intense and there was a lot of chemistry but ultimately neither of us were in a place where we wanted a relationship yet because of our young children. We stopped seeing each other for a little bit but have been back in touch for a few weeks and have started seeing each other on a casual basis. The chemistry is still there but we are far less intense!

For context, I am in my late 20s and he is mid 40s. He has only had 2 relationships (and 2 sexual partners), so has never done the FWB thing. I have.

When we saw each other over the weekend, he made a passing comment about how he could cope with falling in love with me, but not with me falling in love with him and him hurting me because he cant give me what I need. He is a chronic overthinker and was worried when we dated that I needed more than he could offer.

Anyway, we were texting last night. It got admittedly quite filthy but he said a few things that have made me question whether this is just sex or something more. In one message he reflected on when we were together last and said I was "at my sexiest, most beautiful, and sweetly vulnerable" at that particular moment. He also said that when we spent the night together, it was "a whole night of the most incredible intimacy".

He then went on to say:

"For all the things we could do, have done, I do really enjoy nust being with you and talking. Then kissing while we touch each other. The way your breathing quickens while we kiss".

Now like I've said, I have had a FWB on a few occasions and it has never, ever been like this. My feelings for him never changed - I would be happy for us to have turned down the heat a bit but continue dating with a view to it developing slowly over time into something more, but also I'm aware that the current arrangement could end at a moments notice and I would get over it.

But from what he is saying, do you think there might be feelings on his side too??

OP posts:

Guineapigbridge · 30/09/2020 01:38

Short version: he likes sleeping with you, he'd love you to fall in love with him because...ego... but if you do, then he doesn't plan to treat you decently or 'give you what you need.'

Head fuck.

Don't do FWB, it never works.

IncandescentSilver · 30/09/2020 06:29

He sounds as if he's been around the block so many times, he knows the script off by heart

How did you meet him?

SD1978 · 30/09/2020 06:41

Sounds like an arse. Sorry OP. And a cop out. I couldn't cope if you loved me because I might hurt you, but I would be happy to love you.......sounds like bollocks and a get out clause for him.

Gooseybby · 30/09/2020 06:46

I agree with the 'he's full of shit' side of things. "I couldnt cope if you fell in love with me" (not envy)

He knows exactly what to say to get exactly what he wants. You are the loser here.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 30/09/2020 07:50

God OP I've not even met him and he's given me The Ick. Sweetly vulnerable?! Creepy.

bigbumbiggerheart · 30/09/2020 08:17

@BobbyBlonde

I have never had a FWB only been down the more traditional relationship route but the things he says eg "said I was "at my sexiest, most beautiful, and sweetly vulnerable" at that particular moment. He also said that when we spent the night together, it was "a whole night of the most incredible intimacy" " are the sort of things people say when they are in or want a full on relationship. I would imagine the FWB is just sex and not loving chat etc

Sounds like he might want much more from you.

ChristmasFluff · 30/09/2020 09:17

Totally full of shit.

I guarantee that when you end it (and please end it) his text messages will turn abusive and name-calling.

It's what his type do.

Enchantmentz · 30/09/2020 10:11

Ick with a heavy eye roll to top it off from me. Chat like that would make me ditch the fwb, It is creepy and crosses the boundary of fwb imo.

Never mind his motive if you aren't looking for more then it isn't worth continuing and if you are open to a relationship with someone I wouldn't consider him.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2020 10:21

If he said "you know what, you're a nice enough person but I'm only interested in sex", I'd still want to sleep with him

That’s what he has said though, he’s dressed it up but that’s what he’s said. He’s told you he doesn’t wish a relationship. He’s told you he doesn’t want you to have feelings for hurt as you will be hurt. Even his romantic flowery shit is about sex. When you look your most vulnerable, your breathing quickening etc.

He’s said it, you were just looking to see if it meant he had feelings for you and wished more. He’s softened it, dressed it up, but he has been clear and said exactly that, this is just sex.

Antimacassar · 30/09/2020 10:26

[quote bigbumbiggerheart]@BobbyBlonde

Sounds like he might want much more from you.[/quote]
No, no, the complete opposite. He is demonstrating his own (entirely fake) capacity for depths of emotion by claiming he could manage the trauma of falling for her, but to worry she'll fall in love with him because that's what he couldn't handle, and simultaneously signalling quite clearly that he's completely unavailable and will vanish the moment she betrays the slightest hint of feeling for him, because, hey, he's warned her, and she knew what she was getting into.

OP, this is a script as old as time. He's getting off on the idea of 'sweetly vulnerable' you being driven to the heights of ecstasy by his worldly-wise cock AND falling for his world-weary, Older Man charms.

My libido would have packed up and left the country at those messages, which scream Older Creep Salivating Over 20Something Flesh, but, you know, if the situation suits you, go for it.

IncandescentSilver · 30/09/2020 10:36

Does he do the slightly too long eye contact when talking to you and talk slightly too quickly, while portraying an air of fake helpfulness/concern for your well being OP?

I generally find thats what multishaggers have in common. They're quite easy to spot when you recognise the traits.

A twentysomething is their dream prey, because they won't necessarily have learned to spot the traits yet.

WhenPushComesToShove · 30/09/2020 10:37

Freely admit to not having read the full thread but my money's on covert narcissist manipulating you beautifully with sweet words to get you exactly where he wants you. Up to you if you choose to partake...

bigbumbiggerheart · 30/09/2020 11:25

@Antimacassar

Thanks for adding your perspective, perhaps I am too romantic. I've not much practice with these types

OhCaptain · 30/09/2020 11:32

I can't figure out of its nausea or just pure cringe I'm feeling reading that.

Jesus, @BobbyBlonde. I mean - really!

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/09/2020 13:09

Anyone who says 'I'm just worrying about hurting you / I just care too much / I just think I'm not going to be good enough for you' is a huge red flag for me

What he wants to do is chuck a lot of lovey-dovey stuff at you and fantasise and moon, but the minute, the second, you reciprocate, he will turn cold and mess you around like no-one's business. He's a headfuck and he will screw with you
Totally agree with these and other PPs who have suggested you'll need to be very careful if you continue seeing him.

How arrogant is he that although you have been clear with him that you are only interested in a FWB arrangement he's still sounding off about 'not being able to give you what you want'?!
Quite!

Yeah, a lot of guys can't handle fwb
My experience suggests that. Of the 4 FWB I’ve had, 2 wanted more from me after a while (I didn’t), another got jealous if I spent time with a male friend, and the 4th moved the goalposts to something more romantic then started to back off (became a right mind-fuck). I had to dump all of them because they weren’t handling things well.

DiscoInFurlough · 30/09/2020 13:31

He is just trying to 'win' you with his bullshit. To stroke his ego. Whilst keeping his toe out by telling you he cant give you what you need.

When you scream "you said all these romantic things, i was confused" he will use the "i told you i couldnt give you what you need".

And by the way youre questionning it, you've fallen for it. Its a game, for his ego, and he is winning.

He sounds dreadful...

CruCru · 30/09/2020 15:49

The bit about him being worried about you falling in love with him is a red flag for me. Realistically no one worries about getting involved with someone else in case the other person gets hurt - people aren’t that unselfish.

Isthisnothing · 30/09/2020 17:13

No he's told you he can't offer you more (he doesn't want to), just because his sexting is soppier than you're used to changes nothing.

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