Any other overanalysers want to help me overanalyse messages from FWB?

[BobbyBlonde]

NC because reasons.

Over the summer I dated someone for about a month. It was quite intense and there was a lot of chemistry but ultimately neither of us were in a place where we wanted a relationship yet because of our young children. We stopped seeing each other for a little bit but have been back in touch for a few weeks and have started seeing each other on a casual basis. The chemistry is still there but we are far less intense!

For context, I am in my late 20s and he is mid 40s. He has only had 2 relationships (and 2 sexual partners), so has never done the FWB thing. I have.

When we saw each other over the weekend, he made a passing comment about how he could cope with falling in love with me, but not with me falling in love with him and him hurting me because he cant give me what I need. He is a chronic overthinker and was worried when we dated that I needed more than he could offer.

Anyway, we were texting last night. It got admittedly quite filthy but he said a few things that have made me question whether this is just sex or something more. In one message he reflected on when we were together last and said I was "at my sexiest, most beautiful, and sweetly vulnerable" at that particular moment. He also said that when we spent the night together, it was "a whole night of the most incredible intimacy".

He then went on to say:

"For all the things we could do, have done, I do really enjoy nust being with you and talking. Then kissing while we touch each other. The way your breathing quickens while we kiss".

Now like I've said, I have had a FWB on a few occasions and it has never, ever been like this. My feelings for him never changed - I would be happy for us to have turned down the heat a bit but continue dating with a view to it developing slowly over time into something more, but also I'm aware that the current arrangement could end at a moments notice and I would get over it.

But from what he is saying, do you think there might be feelings on his side too??

[KitBumbleB]

He doesnt want you to get attached to him

[ragged]

I'm not an overthinker.
I'm also not sentimental.
I think he's saying you're sexy & that turns him on. Nothing else.
I don't hear romance or even romance novel in those comments.

[newnameforthis123]

@ragged

I'm not an overthinker.
I'm also not sentimental.
I think he's saying you're sexy & that turns him on. Nothing else.
I don't hear romance or even romance novel in those comments.

I think people mean cringe rather than romance. That's what I got anyway! Mills and Boon are called 'romance' novels but when people use Mills and Boon as a descriptor they mean cringe / OTT / forced generally IMO.

[Jennifer2r]

Anyone who says 'I'm just worrying about hurting you / I just care too much / I just think I'm not going to be good enough for you' is a huge red flag for me.

[IWantT0BreakFree]

I think it's hard to tell really because reading someone else's sexts/slushy messages is just a bit boak-inducing 🤢 It's difficult to imagine the chemistry or the vibes that you're getting from him in real life and without those feelings, messages like this read very differently. All anyone on MN can do is coldly dissect it and come to a conclusion based on the tiniest of tiny snapshots which may or may not be representative of the situation in reality. I don't think anyone here can possibly give you an answer that can be relied upon in any way. I'm not personally seeing anything that leaps out to me as a red flag that couldn't equally be explained away by him being a bit flowery in his writing style. This could be someone who is just saying what he thinks you want to hear to keep you on the hook, or he could be genuine and have feelings for you. There's just not enough to go on.

[category12]

I would pay far more attention to this bit than the rest:
When we saw each other over the weekend, he made a passing comment about how he could cope with falling in love with me, but not with me falling in love with him and him hurting me because he cant give me what I need.

What he wants to do is chuck a lot of lovey-dovey stuff at you and fantasise and moon, but the minute, the second, you reciprocate, he will turn cold and mess you around like no-one's business. He's a headfuck and he will screw with you.

[Ohdear101]

I think he wants you to fall for him so he has some sort of control and you have none/less . Some people like the attention.

[Cherrylipbalm]

In the nicest possible way he's not interested in you apart from using you for his ego.
Personally he sounds unappealing and I wouldn't waste my energy on him. I mean what do you want from him?

[LiveFromHome]

If he said "you know what, you're a nice enough person but I'm only interested in sex", I'd still want to sleep with him

Bollocks. If that were true you wouldn't even be posting. At least be honest with yourself about that.

My vag clamped shut reading his shit, "sweetly vulnerable", "your breath quickens", fucking hell I'm cringing myself inside out.

[nolovelost]

No, I don't think there is.

[S00LA]

@Ohdear101

I think he wants you to fall for him so he has some sort of control and you have none/less . Some people like the attention.

This .

Oh and also what Everyone else said.

You have feelings for him and you are going to get hurt.

[CoopsMalloops]

He seems a bit creepy to me op.
I am sorry but you’re a lovely ego boost to him and he sounds like he’s getting a bit lost in a story.
Use him as an ego boost but I’d move on, I think you will get hurt.
It all sounds quite cringe to me 😬

[Dollyrocket]

He sounds c r i n g e

[LadyCatStark]

He sounds a bit love bomby to me, beware...

[WatieKatie]

Another vote for cringeworthy and frankly a complete turn off.

OP, I honestly think that you are way out of his league. He has game player written all over him and I don’t believe that he is as innocent as he makes out.

If you are entirely happy with a FWB only arrangement with this man and he hits the spot in bed, then great. Otherwise I think you are going down the path of getting hurt. Sorry.

[AnnaFour]

Ah i’m sorry but you’re lying to yourself. If you were truly only interested in some casual sex with you’d not be on here trying to figure out if maybe he could be up for something more. He has figured that out too. He wants you to fall for him and has zero intention of reciprocating. He’s made it clear you’re only sex to him but likes the idea of making it sound like more than it is to satisfy his ego.

The sweetly vulnerable thing is grim. And he has you pegged, you’re already trying to figure him out.

[BobbyBlonde]

Thanks all. Seeing it much more clearly now. I'll invest my energy into someone else!!

[Cakeandcustard123]

@LiveFromHome

If he said "you know what, you're a nice enough person but I'm only interested in sex", I'd still want to sleep with him

Bollocks. If that were true you wouldn't even be posting. At least be honest with yourself about that.

My vag clamped shut reading his shit, "sweetly vulnerable", "your breath quickens", fucking hell I'm cringing myself inside out.

This has made me laugh so much so true

[CoopsMalloops]

WatieKatie
Another vote for cringeworthy and frankly a complete turn off.

OP, I honestly think that you are way out of his league. He has game player written all over him and I don’t believe that he is as innocent as he makes out.

If you are entirely happy with a FWB only arrangement with this man and he hits the spot in bed, then great. Otherwise I think you are going down the path of getting hurt. Sorry”

Agreed

[EarringsandLipstick]

@eucalyptuss

I wish there was a word for the expression that's one my face.

'Quickens'
'Sweetly vulnerable'

It would be a no from me.

😂😂

Perfectly put @eucalyptuss

I ❤️ MN for these pithy posts.

[Blulorry]

So he is 40s and only had 2 sexual partners?

Honestly I wouldn’t believe a word he says OP...

[conduitoffortune]

How arrogant is he that although you have been clear with him that you are only interested in a FWB arrangement he's still sounding off about 'not being able to give you what you want'?!

[SoulofanAggron]

"at my sexiest, most beautiful, and sweetly vulnerable" at that particular moment. He also said that when we spent the night together, it was "a whole night of the most incredible intimacy".

My first impression is he comes across as a smooth talker and pretentious bullshit merchant. Admiring you for being 'sweetly vulnerable' is him signalling to you that he enjoys you doing what he wants and giving yourself to him and wants you to continue in that vein. He would enjoy it if you were to fall in love with him and lay yourself on the line. He would enjoy that sexually.

a whole night of the most incredible intimacy- He is just saying he enjoyed the sex, but he wants to pretend to you that it's something more, so he's dressing it up in flowery/euphemistic language. He has narc written all over him tbh. All of this is to keep you hooked in and get an emotional response/supply and infatuation from you.

The way your breathing quickens while we kiss

Such B.S. He should write for Mills&Boon. I haven't read PP's comments but just scrolling down seems I'm not alone in thinking that lol.

he knows I am not looking for a relationship right now ans am just having casual sex (he knows about another guy I'm seeing, and knows that I have had one night stands and FwB throughout the last six months) si he doesnt have to try to hook me in. If he said "you know what, you're a nice enough person but I'm only interested in sex", I'd still want to sleep with him.

He would love you to want more than casual sex with him, to boost his ego. He would certainly want you to want him more than you do the other guy- just for the sake of it.

That they don't have to try doesn't stop these guys. They are always after more from us, and also he wants to try and ensure the sex on tap continues as long as he wants, in whichever form he wants, whenever he wants, and as intensely as possible. It's not just sex they're after but our adoration.
-
You say you're not after a relationship right now, but you are seeing him wanting more as a good thing that you're hoping is there- hence your post asking us if we see something there. I think you fanasise about a relationship with him and like to think it has potential to go that way.

I'll invest my energy into someone else!!

Please do. He will try and turn you into a groupie, and he'll enjoy it. And he is insincere.

[SoulofanAggron]

I wish there was a word for the expression that's on my face.

@eucalyptuss Grimace- of disgust?
-

Oh and I also agree with PPs @BobbyBlonde -I don't believe him about only having had two partners, and those long term. I expect he's got up to all sorts of things with all sorts of different people.

If it were that he were uncomfortable sexting, he'd just not do it, or he'd come out with something more stereotypically 'dirty' maybe.

The 'sweetly vulnerable' and him getting off on the idea reminds me of a bloke who got off on my crying- I can't remember what about, I was young, mental and pissed lol. He was a lot older, too.

The 'I couldn't handle you falling in love with me' thing is a bit like my latest ex. I think he fucking loved the idea really. By saying that he was just saying he wouldn't treat me in a decent way.

[Blezz]

Yeah, a lot of guys can't handle fwb.