I cheated

[ShaniaT98]

I've cheated on my partner and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on moving on and feeling less guilty me and my partner don't have the best relationship and this has caused me to stray but he's told me if I ever cheated and he doesn't know what he would do to me and I would lose my kids so I cannot tell him please help

Do you want to stay with him? Does he make you happy? Do you love him? Or is it just convenient?

Listen, no one can "take away" your dc. You have rights and parental responsibility.

If you are afraid of your partner, do you have reason to be? Has he been violent or abusive to you in the past?

Why did you cheat on him? Do you want to stay in the relationship?

@ulanbatorismynextstop

Do you want to stay with him? Does he make you happy? Do you love him? Or is it just convenient?

I do want to stay In the relationship I'm still in love but my relationship is just lacking so much and this affair has made me a bettter spouse

OP, saying that an affair has made you a better spouse contradicts somewhat with the fact that he has threatened that if you ever cheated he doesn’t know what he’d do to you and would take away your children.

Affairs happen for all manner of reasons and are rarely black and white, that being said, unless you address the reasons why you believe you cheated you will end up back here again. Just putting it behind you and feeling you can move forward will just be like putting a sticking plaster on it. And regardless of the reasons, having an affair still isn’t ok. And I speak as someone who had an affair several years ago.

When you say that cheating made you a better spouse, in what way do you believe this to be the case? Because if you think that now, what happens the next time you feel your abilities as a spouse are slipping? Will you cheat again to bring things back on track?

If you want to stay would you consider couples counselling to explore the issues in your relationship?

If things don't improve, then you'll be doing this again.

It doesn't make sense to say that cheating made you a better spouse, yet you're in love and want the marriage to continue.

I have to say it's the first time I've heard a woman say that. It's normally married men having affairs, that say that to their OW. As in she makes his marriage bearable.

Regardless of the issues on your relationship, cheating will always make you look like the bad one with no morals and a lot of negativity will come your way.

I was watching something on TV (a true story) yesterday and the husband was having an affair. His wife ran him over and killed him, but so many people didn't have a lot of sympathy and despite being an upstanding professional man, all that ppl remember is he had an affair....and so many in their community and in society sympathised with the wife.

The moral is not that anyone has the right to take another's life...but as the cheater...you get looked down on.

Either work towards fixing your marriage, or find a way out of it. Cheating can have awful consequences.

You are not going to be able to move on and feel less guilty unless you face up to what you did and talk to someone about this. The guilt is the price you pay for having an affair.

Is it definitely over? I think you'll need to let your dh know what you did or at least communicate how you feel and eventually confess but don't leave it too long as it will come out somehow.

MN Lore dictates that you tell your OH because he has a right to know who he is wasting his life on and so he can get an STD, then his ducks in a row, then you have to move out because you are the transgressor. Just pointing that out for future posters on this type of issue.

Counselling would be pointless if you didn’t confess this affair because it would be completely based on lies and withholding key information. You should either face the music on this and try to work it out, or face the music and leave. Keeping that info to yourself is forcing him to live a life based on fraud without knowing it.

There are plenty of resources on affair repair on the web and none of them advise further lying.

He told you he doesn't know what he would do to you and that you'd lose your children if you cheated. That sounds extremely threatening OP. Almost violent. Are you in an abusive relationship?

“I’m still in love” you wouldn’t have cheated if you was in love.

Well he can't take your kids away from you, that's just empty threats. You should just leave him. Dont bother telling him, just end the relationship.

How has it made you a better spouse? Ill bet its because you are feeling guilty, you arengoing along with things you usually wouldn't and its keeping him happy.

On what basis is he thinking you'd lose your kids? Would he turn them against you?

I don't like the sound of that comment at all.

He's within his rights to state his feelings about you cheating, but bringing the kids into it like this comes across as threatening.

I'm wondering what the context of that conversation was.

You don’t sound in love, you sound terrified.

Have there never been posts on here by women who’ve found out their husbands have cheated then resolved to keep the kids away from their dads? Were they “extremely threatening” or were they told to make the bastard’s life hell as he cheated on them and their kids and destroyed the family?

If not I must have imagined them

You nerd to be honest with him - that's always the advice to men so the same stands for you. You can't base your relationship on a lie, no decent partner lies.

You won't lose your children, unless there is more to this than you're telling us, so don't worry about that.

I don't condone cheating at all that's all on you, but I wouldn't stay with anyone who threatened to take or keep my children away from me. The relationship sounds awful just end it.

He deserves so much more than living with a cheat.

Really? Someone who threatens his wife with "I don't know what I would do to yu" and "ill take your children away" before she has even heated just threatening her deserves more? OK then.... and yes I would say to any man who's wife told them she didn't know what she would do to them if they cheated, to leave the relationship.

Nothing has “caused you to stray” other than wanting to shag around and thinking you can get away with it. You’ve got a hell of a nerve suggesting cheating has improved your relationship. Would you appreciate your partner fucking another woman and saying it makes him a better boyfriend? Doubt it.

'this affair has made me a bettter spouse'

nope - it makes a cheat a lying spouse - whether man or woman and regardless of circumstances someone is not 'better' because they lie to a spouse they are simply a cheat/liar/dishonest and unable to share what is wrong in the relationship (for lots of reasons).

You won't lose your kids, do the right thing and tell him then move on separately or together. You're in the wrong here so own it. No one loses their kids because they have an affair regardless of how immoral and disgraceful many think it is, they don't take kids off people for having them. But I think not stepping up says alot more about you than the initial affair.

You are being ridiculous. You cheated because things aren't great? Have some self respect, you are (presumably) and adult? If you no longer want to be in this marriage, then take steps to end it.

The tripe you came out with about being a better spouse since you cheated- I have no words. You're digging a big hole. Stop digging and sort this situation out.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Nothing has “caused you to stray” other than wanting to shag around and thinking you can get away with it. You’ve got a hell of a nerve suggesting cheating has improved your relationship. Would you appreciate your partner fucking another woman and saying it makes him a better boyfriend? Doubt it.

Spot on. Just end the relationship. It's much more honest than this "better spouse" tripe. If you're afraid of him, get hold of WA and ask for help to leave. But own what you've done. It was your choice.

As a victim of massive serial cheating by my ex husband I am surprisingly equivocal about you telling him. I tend to believe that affairs are caused by relationship problems - lack of connection, communication and intimacy and people growing apart or becoming incompatible. Usually people seek something they don't have at home- sure it might just be cheap attention, admiration and affirmation but it could also be that the relationship you are in is not fulfilling your deeper needs. Certainly I'd question attachment to someone who has issued threats re your fidelity.

I would suggest you get counselling on your own to address these questions and decide what is best for you and your family. Guilt is not a reason to stay with someone and you should explore that more deeply.

Telling him will undoubtedly relieve the burden of your guilt but the transfer is riven with hurt and pain and cannot be undone. Think carefully before you throw that rock in the pond and know what you want and how you will keep yourself and your children safe from harm.

Don't tell him, it was just a small blip and he pushed you to this so it wasn't all your fault