How can you mean so much to someone and then mean so little so quickly?

[stuckstucknamechangestuck]

Name-changed as this is all a bit personal and sensitive.

Can anyone help me understand how someone can spend a decade with you, claiming they're deeply in love, think the world of you, are lucky to have you, etc and then suddenly discard you and claim the new person is, not only all that instead, but that they're the only person they've ever felt that about?

I just want to understand how someone could shift gear so swiftly - in this case a couple of months - with no trigger that either of us could identify (she felt too guilty to try and explain what had happened - just that "she changed". We tried Relate which uncovered nothing either. There was no resentment, she even claimed she admired me! All I have to go on is something she scribbled on a piece of paper she left lying around whilst I was clearing out my things in which she expressed upset that things had gone from being "safe and dull" to "too much change at once" when I discovered she'd recontacted her affair partner and asked for a divorce).

This isn't about me wondering how she could leave me. Its three years since we spearated and I'm at peace with the fact that, once the trust had gone, it couldn't work. What I can't understand is why it took a long period of grieving and adjustment to the death of our decade-long marriage, the break-up of our family and loss of the person I thought was my best friend, whilst she, literally went from writing long posts on Facebook about how wonderful I was, fun date nights and actually stating outright in Relate that she "would have to stay single for at least two years if we split up, as our relationship meant so much" to having the new guy warming my side of the marital bed less than a month after I left? He's now moved in with my kids. She hasn't even redecorated since I left three years ago. Nothing's changed in that house apart from I've gone and he's taken my place. According to the kids she still has photos of me on the wall that she's kept up as I'm their dad! I'd ask what her new guy thinks of that, but I guess it seems he doesn't care either? I just can't get my head around that. How can you move in with a new partner and live with them for a year and not feel a bit awkward or icky sleeping in the bedsheets she bought with her ex, with furnishings from their old life surrounding you constantly and photos of him on the wall? For over a year?

I only discovered in the final days of our marriage that it had been similar for her ex. She was engaged to him - she led me to believe that she only agreed because she felt pressurised but I've since found out she was gushing about it to her friends and that she'd been crying tears of joy when he proposed. Barely a few weeks later she finished with him and asked me out!

Again, I'm not asking how someone can change their minds. I know people can change. I know we can all fall out of love. It's just the speed at which she seems able to disengage so completely - and completely at odds to the depth of feelings she claims to have for people. I can't do that - not even if I wanted to. I'd get emotional whiplash. Even if I knew it was best if we separated. Now she says her new guy is the only one she's ever been in love with... so I'm to take away that all those moments over the years were just a mistake?

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just wanted to vent.

Everyone is wired differently. I guess that's the only answer really.

I often ask the same question, when people stay in relationships with constant infidelity... I wonder how they don't hate the person and why they stay because of love.

She sounds like she'll always be chasing something and never be truly satisfied with what she has.

In order to justify her actions and make it seem worth the upheaval, she has to say he's her true love..otherwise why throw it all away.

when I discovered she'd recontacted her affair partner

She proved herself untrustworthy by having the affair...then recontacting him.

It sounds like she has insecure attachment or avoidant attachment personality. Google avoidant style and see if any of that ticks the box.

This sounds so painful but the issue is clearly with her and not you. What are her parents/siblings like? That might explain a lot 🤷‍♀️

I don't know how people can move on so quickly. My ex left 10 months ago, but told me he still loves me more recently. Apparently he hated my dc and realised he didn't want a family. 10 months later he has a gf who has a young child, and she's pregnant. Go figure

You are asking questions I doubt you will ever get answers to. And that is the real cruelty of it. It affects you more than anyone else and yet you have no control or say in any of if. At the very least you should be entitled to understand what happened and yet even that is denied you. All you can do is move on with your life and find somebody else to share you future with. That may take time but don’t let her steal you happiness from you. Hope that makes sense.

Rewriting history is pretty common, especially with affairs.

We all like to be the hero of our own story so with some people, the inconvenient dissonant bits get rewritten, and a new narrative appears.

Oh, I'm so sorry OP. I can only imagine it's been a gradual change for her and she's unfortunately only let you in on it once she'd reached a stage of bring ready to let go. I doubt it's been an all-of-a-sudden kind of thing. Be kind to yourself.

It is unfathomable isn't it. I have that question about my ex and his non existent relationship with our DD.

We spent years trying to conceive her, he was there with me as I have birth to her and although I can understand our marriage dissolving I can't work out how he can walk away from her completely.

Blows my mind.

Some people can't cope with feeling feelings, they need to fill the void. My husband is the same. Moving in with new girlfriend within a year after 16 years together. Apparently he's processed the complete destruction of our family life as a result of his seeking extra marital sex on hook up site and eventual affair (not with new girlfriend). Whatever.

It is amazing. Some people are just shallow and selfish, so their feelings don’t really take root and grow. after a while they just pull up the plant and start again. It’s not you, it’s them. The key thing though is not to let the wondering and bafflement take over your thoughts too often. Or to blame yourself for not spotting it.

You can only feel pity that she will never really know the feeling of truly deep love for another human being.

I'll guess narcissistic personality disorder.

She lovenomved you, made you feel like you were the only one in the world. Then she got you and lost interest. She needs to be desired and loved, for her ego.

That being said, I would maybe expect an narcissist to have more derision and spite towards you now than she seems to...then again, she is definately cold af so...it's still possible.

*lovebombed

@HollyBollyBooBoo I don't understand it either. But many years ago a lodger of my aunt's told me, that if he were hypothetically to divorce he would never have contact with his daughters again (whom he loved very much). I must have looked gobsmacked so he added that the pain of not being able to see them on a daily basis would be lessened if he didnt see them at all. I was around 22 at the time and he doubled my age, 20 years have passed and I havent forgotten that, it was such a weird stance to take. Perhaps it's a male perspective, God knows.

A person I know goes from guy to gut like that. She can be quite materialistic and loves "new " things. She goes through friends in a similar fashion too.

She ended her marriage out of the blue ( on the guys birthday). Then had a new guy 2 months later. Moved herself and the kids in with him shortly thereafter. 4 years later she's seeking a new life again and moves herself and the kids into a family holiday house and leaves the new guy behind but continues to string him along for another 9 months. Then she breaks up with him and a week later she's met the next guy and introduced the kids to him. The kids start having sleepovers at his house and 6 weeks after that she moves in with him. At the 9 month mark they have a quicky wedding. It's now been 3 and a half years and the signs are appearing again. It's just a matter of time.

This is her flaw. The guy is immaterial. He could be amazing and she'd still find greener grass elsewhere.

It's very difficult to get your head around.

My ex was the same. Literally a few nights before I found out the solid evidence he was cheating with the OW, he was telling me how much he loved me, that he always expected to grow old with me and he had never so much as looked at another woman! In the year running up to finding that evidence, he dismissed that his 'friend' (the OW) had ideas above their friendship. He was totally lying of course. In one argument with regards to the volume of her messaging, I said she would probably easily slide into my place if I left. He told me I was ridiculous.

But it happened. Within the month I left, she was almost living there, sleeping in the bed and walking the dog. I think she's still there now, but I don't actually care!

With the benefit of hindsight and reflection, without the OW in the equation, the relationship with my ex was bloody awful and she did me a favour! I can now see she's got a lovely future ahead with a grumpy, immature arse!

The bottom line is these people don't have the means to be emotionally mature enough to end a relationship with honesty, respect and dignity.

It's easy to say don't waste your time ruminating over it, but that is what you need to do. It will take time, but you need to concentrate on your future happiness and just block thinking about your ex. It's a waste of energy and time.

My ex husband was hugely upset when I ended our marriage (this is 30 years ago) within 3 months he had met and moved in the woman he is now married to. I think some people just can’t bear the idea of not being with ‘someone’ — so even if they loved you to bits if it ends they will almost immediately go into the mode of ‘finding someone’ . In all honesty it’s one of the relatively easy things to do as well to pass time if you are on your own and don’t have tons of single friends to socialise with it lots of hobbies to immerse yourself in

This happened to me but I was the one that changed. I adored the absolute bones of my ex for over a decade then one day I was sat at home and just thought I'd rather be somewhere else. Went out with some friends, had fun, and that was it. I could never get the feeling back no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to. Literally fell out of love. I guess our minds are complicated things

She is very likely a narcissist, if this is repeated behaviour. It's known as the discard stage. Do some reading up on relationships with people that have NPD and see if anything sounds familiar.

Thanks everyone. It's a relief just to read this isn't necessarily normal, everyday behaviour - I had got to the point where I was wondering if there was something wrong with me for attaching any emotional importance to anything.

@rainbowninja What are her parents/siblings like?

Without going into details, she definitely had attachment issues with her parents. It's not that they don't get along - they actually do alot together - but, by her own admission, they never did hugs and she was largely raised by one parent who couldn't handle conflict and would just look at her as if she'd made a mess whenever she got upset or had a tantrum. They couldn't handle conflict of any sort. The other worked long hours and hardly saw her growing up. They're a very passive-aggressive family.

Sometimes you just fall out of love and your rational brain thinks, there's no point emotionalising.

@stuckstucknamechangestuck this is really tough for you but you've obviously got your head screwed on and you've identified that this is a pattern for her that started before she met you. Knowing that doesn't make it any less painful I guess

I know my ex felt like this - he couldn’t I understand how I was dating a couple of months after our relationship of over a decade ended. For me, though, the relationship had been falling apart for a few years though i hadn’t been completely conscious of it. ANd when I didn’t start to realise how I was feeling, I was terrified and probably did give some confusing mixed signals. But that was me working my feelings through, which wasn’t easy for anyone. But it meant when it ended, I was done, while he had to heal, because he’d spent six months in denial that things were ending, hoping i’d change my mind. And i think I kept trying to convince myself I would too. if he’d agreed to therapy together, then perhaps I would have said the same confusing things.

I’m not saying that’s this is what happened with your ex btw. But I do think realising you’re feeling so have changed in a LTR can be very scary. And often I think we trundle along, not very in touch with how we’re feeling and then suddenly when have this awful realisation like a tonne of bricks. And we then try to suppress it, and perhaps overcompensate - trying to convince ourselves as much as anyone else that we’re still in love...

@wishfuldreamer this is the thing though - maybe our relationship had been falling apart for years, as far as she was concerned, but here, three years after the split, I still am not knowing why or with any indication even now looking back that it was. If I could at least understand where the faults were I could at least start to heal knowing I could do things differently next time with someone else. As it is, there’s just a great big blind spot - all I have to go on is that thing she wrote that I wasn’t supposed to see in which she said she really resented not being able to have a relationship with the now new guy because she was married to me. That’s it. She didn’t even finish with me in the end. Her behaviour just became so toxic that I ended up leaving her for the sake of all our sanities!