How can you mean so much to someone and then mean so little so quickly?

[stuckstucknamechangestuck]

Name-changed as this is all a bit personal and sensitive.

Can anyone help me understand how someone can spend a decade with you, claiming they're deeply in love, think the world of you, are lucky to have you, etc and then suddenly discard you and claim the new person is, not only all that instead, but that they're the only person they've ever felt that about?

I just want to understand how someone could shift gear so swiftly - in this case a couple of months - with no trigger that either of us could identify (she felt too guilty to try and explain what had happened - just that "she changed". We tried Relate which uncovered nothing either. There was no resentment, she even claimed she admired me! All I have to go on is something she scribbled on a piece of paper she left lying around whilst I was clearing out my things in which she expressed upset that things had gone from being "safe and dull" to "too much change at once" when I discovered she'd recontacted her affair partner and asked for a divorce).

This isn't about me wondering how she could leave me. Its three years since we spearated and I'm at peace with the fact that, once the trust had gone, it couldn't work. What I can't understand is why it took a long period of grieving and adjustment to the death of our decade-long marriage, the break-up of our family and loss of the person I thought was my best friend, whilst she, literally went from writing long posts on Facebook about how wonderful I was, fun date nights and actually stating outright in Relate that she "would have to stay single for at least two years if we split up, as our relationship meant so much" to having the new guy warming my side of the marital bed less than a month after I left? He's now moved in with my kids. She hasn't even redecorated since I left three years ago. Nothing's changed in that house apart from I've gone and he's taken my place. According to the kids she still has photos of me on the wall that she's kept up as I'm their dad! I'd ask what her new guy thinks of that, but I guess it seems he doesn't care either? I just can't get my head around that. How can you move in with a new partner and live with them for a year and not feel a bit awkward or icky sleeping in the bedsheets she bought with her ex, with furnishings from their old life surrounding you constantly and photos of him on the wall? For over a year?

I only discovered in the final days of our marriage that it had been similar for her ex. She was engaged to him - she led me to believe that she only agreed because she felt pressurised but I've since found out she was gushing about it to her friends and that she'd been crying tears of joy when he proposed. Barely a few weeks later she finished with him and asked me out!

Again, I'm not asking how someone can change their minds. I know people can change. I know we can all fall out of love. It's just the speed at which she seems able to disengage so completely - and completely at odds to the depth of feelings she claims to have for people. I can't do that - not even if I wanted to. I'd get emotional whiplash. Even if I knew it was best if we separated. Now she says her new guy is the only one she's ever been in love with... so I'm to take away that all those moments over the years were just a mistake?

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just wanted to vent.

I hate to say it, but that sounds like your answer. She fell for someone else and wanted out. I don’t think it’s any more complicated than that. Perhaps falling for someone else made her confront the fact she didn’t have feelings for you anymore. Sounds like she wasn’t able to do that in a particularly healthy way, but I’m not sure you’re going to get a better answer than that, and I think maybe now you need to start to try and let go of your quest for closure. I don’t think you will get what you’re looking for.

In my (very similar) experience, the answer was emotional immaturity. They say all the right things to indicate that all is normal but underneath they are a mess and you find out all too late that they are essentially an imposter. They switch partners like kids switch best friends.

My research has led me back to their family of origin for answers and there is at least some comfort in knowing that it wasn’t you, it was most definitely them and their upbringing that stops them forming the kind of deep, authentic attachments that the rest of us do.

Take some comfort in this: for them, misery always catches up with them. Always.

@beachydreams

It sounds like she has insecure attachment or avoidant attachment personality. Google avoidant style and see if any of that ticks the box.

This

I think some people just don't feel things deeply. And they rewrite history so they don't have to examine their own behaviour or personality in a critical way - to make it more palatable to themselves, I suppose.
It wasn't anything you did, OP. You were just unlucky .

By your updates, definately a narcissist right enough.

*She became so toxic that you had to leave
*Parental behaviour (if we take her at her word) is exactly how npd is supposed to form: parents not meeting emotional needs (though tbf I've seen narcissists with lovely parents).
*She gets angry at, and blames you for her desire to cheat.

Definately a nasty piece of work op. You dodged a bullet getting away.

I knew someone like this. Within 6 months of her DH leaving she had a new man living in the house with her child and his. I walked in and really thought the DH was back. The new man was sat in the same spot. Then that ended and the same thing happened again and again. She refuses to provide for herself so just gets boyfriend after boyfriend.