What would you do if your DH said this?

[Unicorns87]

So I'm having alot of problems with my DH at the moment. I'm thinking of leaving him on the grounds of psychological and emotional abuse (although I can't decide whether it is abuse or just his personality in general)
Basically, he's not been very nice to me at all for a long time.
Together 9 years
Married 3
1 DS - 21 months old
I'm really struggling with my feelings towards him. But that's another thread for discussion.....
However one of my pet hates about him is how he communicates about Sex!!
We used to have a healthy sex life, but nothing unusual for a new relationship. By the time we moved in together (2 years in) it had started to dwindle. Mainly because that's when his true personality started to show and if I'm honest, I've fancied him less and less as time has gone on. There was a period that we were both working very long hours so that is also partly to blame but really, I have a much younger brother who at the time would make very crude comments about sex. Funny when they are coming out of a 21 year olds mouth but not so much when my DH of 32 starts trying to copy but doesn't quite understand when enough is enough and takes it too far to the point it just starts sounding ridiculous, and immature.
I have tried to tell him he takes it too far but in his usual way, he gets extremely defensive and nasty.
Sex has become almost non existent for us in recent years and I've even admitted to him that I didn't want him touching me until he could treat me better. He never seems to take anything that I say on board. And for the first time in a while, I finally had sex with him about a month ago and ever since he keeps making the comments again.
He gets nasty when I say I don't want it. He regularly asks whether we are having sex tonight so he can have a wash if we are, which is obviously a mood killer in itself.
And has started with the crude over the top comments like, whilst he's bathing our son and I say I'll jump in the shower after,
'oooo yeh you wanna wash cos I'm going to bang your vagina tonight'.
He also can't help but grab me from behind or from the front and starts banging his bits against me as if we're having sex.
I'm sorry but I'm just so put off and fed up.

[Couchbettato]

Oh dear OP, you are worth so much more.

I feel sorry for the next one that picks him up, but you absolutely should get out.

[FlapsInTheWind]

@Couchbettato

Oh dear OP, you are worth so much more.

I feel sorry for the next one that picks him up, but you absolutely should get out.

This. Please leave this disgusting creep but don't explain to him why you are. Let him hand on his 'heirloom behaviour' to his next relationship and then you can sit back and watch how long it lasts!

He's been watching too many 'teen' movies or something. Eeuch!

[3rdNamechange]

would love to be able to scream at him. If I'm honest, that's what I do in my head everyday when he does these things. I get so angry that inside, my head is full or lava and a volcano is ready to explode in the form of me screaming every single little thing he does to wind me up. But on the outside
*
*
Do it OP. You deserve so much better.

[Greenkit]

My exhusband used to use the line So we going to have sex or not then which as you can imagine was a huge turn on....NOT

My new BF, treats me.rigjt, makes me feel good everyday because he says lives things to me, he cooks, cleans and we are a partnership, plus I fancy the pants off him.

Men forget for play starts at breakfast, it's about how you treat someone, how you make them feel. It's not just sex

Anyway personally I would leave him, he treats you like shit.

[Bunnymumy]

The vile comments are aimed at embarrassing and shaming you.

He doesnt 'have narcissust characteristics' he IS a narcissist. Run.

[Unicorns87]

Thankyou everyone for your advice. I think my next move will be to say I want to seperate because I'm not happy and we will see how things go. I am still really struggling with the idea that I have made him like it by the way I've acted, and I know that's classic signs of abuse because that's what they do by drilling it into us that it's us that's the problem, but it is so complicated.

I have an amazing network of family and friends so I have so much support.

I need to trial run 'the grass is greener on the other side' I think and hopefully it will help me make my mind up.

[Bunnymumy]

The second you tell him he will go about trying to pick apart why you are wrong/being crazy.

'I'm just not happy (with you) anymore' stick to it. Ultimately he will call you selfish. Probably tell you you some shit about how you are braking up the family. But dont be drawn in.

HE is selfish. And nasty. And you'll never be happy if you stay with him. Tell your family whars happening and exactly what he is like. Don't try to whitewash in order to protect him. YOU need the support of your family.

The quicker you can get him out, the better.

[billy1966]

OP, reach out for support IRL.

He is a horror.

Being on your own would be so much better than this.

You need to get away.

It will only get worse.

Don't waste time blaming yourself or thinking he can change.

He is a nasty, abusive, sex pest.

He sounds utterly repulsive.

Get organised and get out

[Nanny0gg]

@Unicorns87

Thankyou everyone for your advice. I think my next move will be to say I want to seperate because I'm not happy and we will see how things go. I am still really struggling with the idea that I have made him like it by the way I've acted, and I know that's classic signs of abuse because that's what they do by drilling it into us that it's us that's the problem, but it is so complicated.

I have an amazing network of family and friends so I have so much support.

I need to trial run 'the grass is greener on the other side' I think and hopefully it will help me make my mind up.

It absolutely isn't your fault and you haven't 'made' him do anything.

But even if it was and you had - so what? you still don't love him, he's still a pig and you don't need a reason to leave other than you want to.

[Nanny0gg]

@Unicorns87

Thankyou all for your help and comments. Its definitely making everything seem clearer to me.
I think the problem is, my relationship before my DH wasn't very good either (very similar infact) and I just don't really remember what it was like to have a man show me respect. Well I've never had a man show me respect really. So for me, I find it hard to believe that there are men out there that are different and better and I'm scared that if I leave my DH, that life isn't really greener on the other side x

There are but it doesn't matter if you don't meet anyone else for the time being.

You'll be so much better and happier on your own.

[AnxMummy10]

Hugs op. This man is vile. Trust me, a good man who respects a woman will be disgusted by him!
You have a support system so please use that - not many people have that.
A trial separation isnt going to work. He will 'change' until you go back and then it's going to be harder to leave.

He is abusing you in so many ways. You really dont want your son learning that this is how a man behaves.
Again, he is utterly vile and you deserve so much more. Dont minimise this as just crude comments- it's about the bigger picture of him being abusive

[beachydreams]

Finish this relationship for the sake of your self esteem

[Silentplikebath]

Take a photo of one of his used tissues left on the floor. Each time you doubt whether leaving him is the right thing to do - look at the photo.

I guarantee that when you leave this scummy pig you will be told by a few of your friends and family that they have never liked him!

[Kanaloa]

I think separating is a good idea. It’s great that you’ve got lots of family and friends around you, that makes it so much easier for you than if you were more isolated. I think once you’re rid of this man you’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. He sounds awful.

[billy1966]

Start photographing those tissues and leaving them on the floor.

Dear God women, how can you stomach such absolute filth.

If he sees you photographing them, tell him you send it to family and friends as they didn't believe someone could be so disgusting.
And do.

[StopCryingYourHeartOut]

Sorry to jump on your thread here OP.

I'm having similar problems and I don't think I'm happy with my DH. This last week or so I've been thinking about life without him.

Can I ask, do you work? I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't even know where to begin with leaving him. I know he wouldn't accept the break up so she wouldnt move out of our (rented) home, therefore I would have to find a place for me and my one DC.
Not sure how I'd go about this with no income.

Is there anyone I could speak to who could advise me on all this. As I just wouldn't know where to start and it leaves my head spinning

[StopCryingYourHeartOut]

Sorry to jump on your thread here OP.

I'm having similar problems and I don't think I'm happy with my DH. This last week or so I've been thinking about life without him.

Can I ask, do you work? I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't even know where to begin with leaving him. I know he wouldn't accept the break up so she wouldnt move out of our (rented) home, therefore I would have to find a place for me and my one DC.
Not sure how I'd go about this with no income.

Is there anyone I could speak to who could advise me on all this. As I just wouldn't know where to start and it leaves my head spinning

[BewilderedDoughnut]

This is so grim. Leave him, he’s trash! 🗑

[Serendipity79]

Oh OP I really feel for you, and want to let you know there is life on the other side. I left a rotten marriage two years ago. He used to "sex talk" to me and get arsey when i was upset by it - because being told he wants to kick you in your lady parts is apparently very attractive to most women, and I'm just weird for not liking it. He used to do his daily business into his dressing gown and leave it in the wash basket for me - totally disgusting. He too had habits of groping, particularly following me up the stairs to grab me from behind which I hated. On two occasions I woke up in bed to find him grinding on me which I'm still traumatised by even now. I totally understand that feeling you're having where you sit back and wonder if its you that's drove them to this - but that's simply what he wants you to believe. It isn't the truth. We're all responsible for our own individual behaviour.

My life is so much better without him in it. Its hard work as a single parent, but its so much better to be in no relationship than the wrong relationship.

[DeRigueurMortis]

This isn't normal OP nor is it acceptable.

He's bullying you.

I can't imagine any woman responding positively (wrt sex) to that behaviour.

He knows you don't like it and that it's counter productive but still does it....why?

Upshot is that on some level he enjoys it.

Maybe he gets off on making you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's because he actually prefers his sofa wanks to sex (probably helped by an addiction to porn I'd guess) but doesn't want to admit that to you so better make you the villain.

Probably both....

It must be soul destroying to live with a person who makes your skin crawl.

Get out. Leave.

Do what you need to do to make that happen.

Honestly I felt sick reading your posts (the grabbing and tissues especially) and I've no bloody idea how you can deal with that in real life.

It is abusive behaviour and frankly he's an appalling person that has no place in your life (or that of any woman).

He's vile, nasty and repellent.

[AcrossthePond55]

@StopCryingYourHeartOut

Sorry to jump on your thread here OP.

I'm having similar problems and I don't think I'm happy with my DH. This last week or so I've been thinking about life without him.

Can I ask, do you work? I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't even know where to begin with leaving him. I know he wouldn't accept the break up so she wouldnt move out of our (rented) home, therefore I would have to find a place for me and my one DC.
Not sure how I'd go about this with no income.

Is there anyone I could speak to who could advise me on all this. As I just wouldn't know where to start and it leaves my head spinning

@StopCryingYourHeartOut

May I suggest you cut and paste your post and start a thread for yourself in Relationships?

You'll get lots of good advice tailored for a SAHM wanting out of a miserable marriage as well as suggestions tailored to your own situation.

Best of luck to you and there will be a way out. There always is if you look for it and will be flexible.

[Unicorns87]

Thankyou again everyone for your kind messages and support.

@StopCryingYourHeartOut
I actually work part time, 2 days a week.
I also am unsure of what I would do financially. We have a flat together which is mortgaged. I expect we would sell it and I could move to my parents for a few months until I get some benefits and housing sorted.
I spoke to women's aid and they directed me to a few good companies in my area specifically to help women get out of nasty relationships. They offer advice on money etc too.
Citizens advice was abit pants.
Sorry to hear your going through something similar. I hope you too find the courage to leave x x

[EarthSight]

@Unicorns87

Thankyou again everyone for your kind messages and support.

*@StopCryingYourHeartOut*
I actually work part time, 2 days a week.
I also am unsure of what I would do financially. We have a flat together which is mortgaged. I expect we would sell it and I could move to my parents for a few months until I get some benefits and housing sorted.
I spoke to women's aid and they directed me to a few good companies in my area specifically to help women get out of nasty relationships. They offer advice on money etc too.
Citizens advice was abit pants.
Sorry to hear your going through something similar. I hope you too find the courage to leave x x

'what, what? I'm 32 and don't have a sex life anymore. You can't take a joke'.

There's so much resentment in that sentence. I don't think he loves you, not by the sounds of it. He's resentful that he's not getting the thing he wanted most from this 'arrangement' because it certainly doesn't sound like a marriage anymore.