What would you do if your DH said this?

[Unicorns87]

So I'm having alot of problems with my DH at the moment. I'm thinking of leaving him on the grounds of psychological and emotional abuse (although I can't decide whether it is abuse or just his personality in general)
Basically, he's not been very nice to me at all for a long time.
Together 9 years
Married 3
1 DS - 21 months old
I'm really struggling with my feelings towards him. But that's another thread for discussion.....
However one of my pet hates about him is how he communicates about Sex!!
We used to have a healthy sex life, but nothing unusual for a new relationship. By the time we moved in together (2 years in) it had started to dwindle. Mainly because that's when his true personality started to show and if I'm honest, I've fancied him less and less as time has gone on. There was a period that we were both working very long hours so that is also partly to blame but really, I have a much younger brother who at the time would make very crude comments about sex. Funny when they are coming out of a 21 year olds mouth but not so much when my DH of 32 starts trying to copy but doesn't quite understand when enough is enough and takes it too far to the point it just starts sounding ridiculous, and immature.
I have tried to tell him he takes it too far but in his usual way, he gets extremely defensive and nasty.
Sex has become almost non existent for us in recent years and I've even admitted to him that I didn't want him touching me until he could treat me better. He never seems to take anything that I say on board. And for the first time in a while, I finally had sex with him about a month ago and ever since he keeps making the comments again.
He gets nasty when I say I don't want it. He regularly asks whether we are having sex tonight so he can have a wash if we are, which is obviously a mood killer in itself.
And has started with the crude over the top comments like, whilst he's bathing our son and I say I'll jump in the shower after,
'oooo yeh you wanna wash cos I'm going to bang your vagina tonight'.
He also can't help but grab me from behind or from the front and starts banging his bits against me as if we're having sex.
I'm sorry but I'm just so put off and fed up.

[markzuckerbergsgreytshirt]

He is awful please don't think it's your fault. Men don't need sex any more than women need it. His behaviour is immature and vile. Why does he need to wash if he's having sex with you? Is he not already washing?

[Unicorns87]

@livelifejoyful this is what worries me. That what if I have driven him to this behaviour.

But I do have to think back to when we first moved in together and that's when his real personality shone through. That's when he started giving me the silent treatment for days on end just because I wanted to have a discussion with him about something that he didn't want to talk about.

No he isnt an approachable person at all. We've never had one disagreement which has been resolved through talking. He always storms out the house.

He also started buying me cheap tacky sexy outfits of eBay and requesting I wore one every time we had sex. I politely refused at first and tried to tell him I didn't like the idea of being told to wear something when I had always done something like that myself for him without needing to be asked. We would always end up in arguement over it.

Another thing he does is (and I'm sorry but I know this is going to absolutely infuriate some of you cos it does me) he wanks almost every night and then leaves the tissue covered in his dry spunk on the living room floor.
He sleeps on the sofa everynight.....
1 reason being that our son is a dreadful sleeper and he has never helped me in the nights with him so chose to start sleeping on the sofa so he wasn't so disturbed.
2 because he now says there is no point ever coming to bed because I don't want him. He means sex, cos I have said countless of times that I'd like to try and get closer to him again by just having a kiss and a cuddle. It doesn't always have to end up in sex, but for him it does.
So now, he sleeps on the sofa and wanks before he goes to sleep into a tissue and then every morning when I walk in, it's either on the floor, or on the sofa next to him or even thrown into the box where we keep the blankets. I always pick them up and put them in the bin. He has never questioned where the tissues go nor seems embarrassed that I obviously picked it up cos he clearly didn't have to put it in the bin but yet he still does it and still leaves them laying around.

[Cannotcope4223]

Why are you with this absolutely vile prick? No man I’ve ever been with has been that disrespectful towards me, even in a crumbling marriage. Disgusting.

[newnameforthis123]

He leaves the tissues out to punish you and to belittle you. He knows you know what they are and he's basically saying it's still your job to cater to his jizz whether it's in you, on you or on a tissue.

He's fucking vile. This isn't love. He's disgusting. Especially with children in the house him leaving them out is doubly disrespectful.

Ugh I hate him for you.

[Onxob]

Christ don't pick up his wank tissues!!! make him do it himself OP Jesus! He's awful, just awful. My husband can be similar with the crude comments/grabbing/general caveman attitude you describe and it's vile. So off-putting and a huge reason I'm in the midst of a two year exit strategy (he doesn't know this but I'm slowly positioning myself so I can leave with financial independence) I suggest you start planning the same!

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

I'd be telling him straight to his face that he has no sex life because he behaves like a horny teenager trying to copy amateur porn and it is extremely unattractive and nothing could possibly turn me off more quickly than being told he will bang my vagina tonight. Just the language would have me drier than the Sahara desert.

[MJMG2015]

(((((HUG))))))

I've only read your posts, not all the replies.

But I'm guessing I'm echoing 99.9% of them!

Work out how to leave, this is NOT you. He's horrible, disrespectful and YOU are worth more than this. The only reason you can't see it is because he's done such a number on you.

What is your housing situation? Finances? Do you have family/friends you & DS could stay with?

[Unicorns87]

But what I don't get is, when he makes these crude comments or asks if we're having sex, I usually don't know how to answer cos I know whatever I say or do will be the wrong answer. So most of the time I awkwardly smile and avoid eye contact. He will then get narcy. But if I really try to tell him, I hate the way he makes the crude comments and i find it disgusting, he will say (and it's very believable) that he's only joking etc. Then he makes me feel like I'm the one making a big deal out of nothing, reading the signs wrong and only seeing or expecting the worst in him. I do doubt myself and think it is me.
I have spoken to women's aid and Ive been getting In touch with some financial professionals to ask advice.

[lazylinguist]

He is a vile, abusive pig, OP. No woman in her right mind would want to stay with a man like this. And no, it's not your fault. You can't make a man be like that. That's just who he is - a misogynistic, disgusting creep.

[Unicorns87]

@Onxob
So sorry your feeling the same way and planning your exit. It's such a horrible feeling isn't it. Now I just feel like my life is a lie. I live everyday pretending to play happy families with a man I can't bare. Trying to put on an act around him so he doesn't guess what I'm thinking.

And to add, my son did once pick up one of the tissues whilst I was in the bathroom. He'd run into the living room before me, and came running into the toilet with it in his hand. My DH couldn't leap up quick enough. I took the tissue off him and put it on top of the wash bin in the bathroom and left it for my husband.
He later threw it down the toilet, blocked the toilet (because he uses kitchen roll) which resulted in us having to go out specially during lockdown to get a plunger. And then he tried to tell me he'd cleaned the bathroom and accidentally threw some kitchen roll down the toilet which is why it was blocked. He lies very easily but what annoys me more is that he thinks I'm a fool. Does he really think I didn't see the tissue.
He really thinks he can out smart me.

[StitchInTimeSavesNine]

Good god, you can't live like this in your own home. Unable to relax, being manhandled, being questioned.

No, this is not normal. Most women do not live like this. Most men aren't awful and unkind to the person in the world they are supposed to love.

[pickingdaisies]

Well, since you've told him repeatedly that you don't like his behaviour, and you've told him the sort of behaviour that would help get you both closer, and he has ignored you, then he must be getting off on being angry with you and acting like a sleazeball. He's having fun making your life hell. There's no point trying to work out the right thing to say to him. And you don't need his permission to leave him. You just need to go. Or get him to go.

[Unicorns87]

I would love to be able to scream at him. If I'm honest, that's what I do in my head everyday when he does these things. I get so angry that inside, my head is full or lava and a volcano is ready to explode in the form of me screaming every single little thing he does to wind me up. But on the outside, I'm just quiet, and breathing deeply and keeping my head down.
This is what he's done to me

[Anordinarymum]

OP He is not a keeper.

[allofthetings]

I would stay you need to make your plans to leave.
It sounds a horrible environment to live in, and in my opinion you would be happier if you left.

Once you have the ick about someone it doesn't change!

[Unicorns87]

Thankyou all for your help and comments. Its definitely making everything seem clearer to me.
I think the problem is, my relationship before my DH wasn't very good either (very similar infact) and I just don't really remember what it was like to have a man show me respect. Well I've never had a man show me respect really. So for me, I find it hard to believe that there are men out there that are different and better and I'm scared that if I leave my DH, that life isn't really greener on the other side x

[Sakurami]

No woman would want to have sex with that vile scumbag

[BubblyBarbara]

I wouldn't normally say this but you need to LTB. This sort of gross behaviour and disrespect will rub off onto your children over time and you don't need their lives ruined by this nonsense as well

[PicsInRed]

He sounds pornsick.

[KatySun]

I have been single for seven years or so now. Life is amazing on the other side. No coercion for sex, no degrading behaviour, and a house with love and laughter for DC. Honestly, life is not only greener on the other side, it is all the colours of the rainbow (about two years after I left, I noticed how beautiful flowers were, somehow I had started to see in grayscale). Take what real life support you can get from WA and legally and get out of there

[EKGEMS]

@Livelifejoyful There is no reason for this woman's husband to be treating her so disrespectfully and trying to justify it by claiming her constant rejection is the cause (blame the victim) How do you explain the other examples of his abuse?

[Gilda152]

It's not complex. You don't love, fancy or respect him so why are you wasting your life with him?

[SoulofanAggron]

He also can't help but grab me from behind or from the front and starts banging his bits against me as if we're having sex.

@Unicorns87 He can help it of course. He chooses to do this disgusting thing. No wonder you don't want to shag him. Living with this sort of thing is awful. Please find a way to be free. xxx

he wanks almost every night and then leaves the tissue covered in his dry spunk on the living room floor.

Ew! This guy is creepy. He deliberately does this to make you aware of his 'needs.'

he will say (and it's very believable) that he's only joking etc.

That's what they all say.

it seems you've stayed in this t relantionship knowing that you don't really want it, and in that time have been starving him of sex.

@Livelifejoyful Would you want to shag this person? It's not always easy to leave a relationship. @Unicorns87 I'm glad you're taking steps towards separating from him. Well done.

He feels out of control so he's losing control of himself and his behaviour.

This bloke knows exactly what he's doing and chooses to behave like this deliberately.

[user1481840227]

No one would want to have sex with a man who acted like that.

You're not going to be attracted to him and desire him again, you just aren't.

So this problem will continue, it will get worse, we can all say this, that and the other about this man but that won't change his behaviour. You won't be able to change his behaviour. You won't be able to make him act a certain way...so all you can do is take action yourself and make the plan to leave!

[AcrossthePond55]

A dear friend's BF would tweak her breasts, grab her bum, brush his 'bits' up against her, etc, etc. He made vulgar comments about her body (Ooh, baby such nice tits, Your ass is hot). On top of that he made constant remarks about 'needing some nookie' and other frankly vulgar remarks that you'd expect to hear out of a 15 year old. He thought it was 'sexy' and 'would make her horny'. She explained until she was blue in the face that it wasn't a turn on for her. In fact, the opposite. He wouldn't listen because it was a turn on for him, therefore it had to be a turn on for her.

She dumped him. If your DH won't listen, I suggest you do the same. Failure to stop behaviour that an OH finds disturbing or disgusting speaks of a basic lack of respect for their partner.