How to get over married man

[namechange123455]

Please don't judge as I am aware what I have done is wrong. I made the choice to end it and do what's right. I was told that there was no relationship on his side and it had become flatmates, but I know that may be a load of rubbish.

I am finding this very hard, yet he seems to be able to turn the switch on/off quite easily. I hate that I was weak and stupid and this has totally destroyed my mental health.

I don't always have people to talk to when I'm feeling low and that's when I'm likely to crack and engage in contact again. He is always there when I need someone to talk to and I feel pathetic that I've needed that from him.

Does anyone have any tips on how best to move on, get stronger and be the happy, best version of myself, while going through this rubbish feeling?

I feel for you. Have you deleted all chats and numbers, email addresses etc? Blocked him where possible? No means of contact is the only way to go no contact. Then exercise and sleep to restore your balance and move on.

Time's a healer. I had a fling with a married man. I'm not proud. No sex just sneaky meets and kisses. He told me marriage was over, no love, no sex was leaving her. It was all bollocks. He had no intention of ever leaving her, and he was still sleeping with her. Filled my head with rubbish and ended up ghosting me during lockdown. It took me months but I'm though it now

Delete anything you have. I deleted all our chat, pictures etc so I had nothing to dwell on.

Put yourself in his wife's shoes, op. Don't contact him again, it's not fair.

Delete everything, block him everywhere. To all intents and purposes pretend he's died. If you start to weaken, draft emails pouring your heart out then delete them. Or do the old fashioned writing letters and then burning them. Go for walks with your favourite upbeat music on. Exercise a lot. Sleep. Avoid alcohol as it will weaken your resolve plus it's a depressant. Message a friend each day you haven't spoken to for a while. Basically treat it like a physical illness which you need to recover from.

If you haven't deleted all his contact details on every device/ every means of contact then really you're still clinging on. Fully delete him in every way on everything and then start doing other things to keep you busy (ideally not other people's partners).

He is able to switch on and off because he has someone else to take up his time, energy and emotion.

Imagine how you would feel if you were in the wife’s shoes . Block him on absolutely everything .
Highly likely he’s not just like flatmates with his wife . Hes cheating so he’s an accomplished liar , you know that much for sure .
Of course he can turn the switch on and off , he doesn’t care that much how things go with you . He has his wife at home , and if you leave he’ll just find someone to replace you . No drama .
Keep busy , find something that you enjoy. Stay connected with friends and family , and keep in regular contact . That way you won’t feel like if you are feeling down , you have no one to talk to .
Once you have broken the cycle and you stay away and are getting on with life , the need to contact or respond to this cheat will greatly diminish , and you will feel so much happier in yourself . It will be hard but it will get easier

If the main thing was that you miss not having him to talk to when you need someone to talk to, have you considered finding a female friend?

Oh no. It’s another one who fell for the lies and bullshit. Get a grip. Put yourself in his wife’s shoes. Some bit came along and swallowed up all his lies. Have some common decency and respect for yourself if you can’t have it for others. Everything he said to you was a lie. Delete, block and move on with your life. Don’t do this again.

No judging from me.

However, I hope this experience has taught you not to do anything like this ever again. Getting involved with married individuals is never a good idea and causes hurt to pretty much everyone in the mess.

Keep yourself busy and distract yourself with things you enjoy. Meet others for coffee/ lunch, rules permitting. Get some exercise.

Do not ever contact this person again. You need to be fair on yourself, to him, to his wife and family. If he contacts you. block without even reading.

You will not be the best version of yourself as long as you are invested in him.

These things happen. I've been a silly cow lately and considered taking an opportunity if it came my way. Turned out it didn't. So now I'm trying to dust myself off and get over it. Matters of the heart are always abit shit. When I look back on times I've pined for a man. I realise I waste alot of energy moping about. Looking at my phone. Checking my tests, emails etc. It's such a waste of energy.

If you truly want to give your head and heart a rest you need to put the phone away. Even if you go for a long walk and leave it in the cupboard. Or go for a drive. Spend time with friends. Or do some DIY. Listen to music. Write down how you feel. Sounds potty but I opened up another email account so I could write down my thoughts. It really helped. I just saved them into drafts. Then I could read back and remind myself how up and down I was.

When it starts to hurt it's not worth it. This is what I'm having to come to terms with. In my case my relationship is dead. No sex and we basically do our own thing. A man started getting to know me and I was hoping for an affair. He hasn't actually approached me in such a way, despite all the signs being there. So I've had to start forgetting it. I was so bad at one point I couldn't watch Tele or anything. My mind was constantly on him. I suspect you feel like this too.

The more time you spend elsewear the easier it will be. It's almost faking it to start with. Forcing yourself to enjoy the book. Go for the walk. Not check your phone. Learn that overtime as the days pass you will feel stronger.

Life is complicated. Relationships are also complicated. People don't always feel they can leave a partner. Especially if marriage, children and finance comes into it. That said he shouldn't be shagging you until he knows he can commit to you. But unfortunately there are many people out there who just want sex and will use and switch it off as they please.

I'm so sorry you got hurt. You can't help how you feel. Take care x

yes your part was shitty.

block on everything and keep reminding yourself he’s married and then read some of the heart wrenching threads on here from wives that have been cheated on. if that doesn’t do it i don’t know what will.

Thank you everyone. Yes I'm well aware of the part I've played and believe me have beaten myself up about it and feel thoroughly worthless.

Not to justify it, but if someone has all of these deep chats with you (not sexual) about how they feel disrespected at home, get zero affection and are treated like a walking bank account, it's easy for a vulnerable fool (ie. me and I'm sure plenty others) to believe them.

I have no proof either way, but I know I need to move past this and concentrate on being a better person. I wouldn't have ever been involved if I had thought his home situation was any less than terrible. I wasn't trying to poach him, it started out just being there for each other.. didn't even see it coming until it hit me in the face.

I really appreciate some of you who have been gentle on me.. you have really lifted me up today and I'm definitely going to take all of your advice on board. Relationships are tricky things and unfortunately sometimes we make stupid mistakes and listen to our hearts over other things.

Thank you all

Don't be hard on yourself. It is what it is x

I get it OP, you’re feeing down. But come on please, you we’re having deep conversations with a Married man. Yes, people will say that he’s the one married but ffs, he would’ve sold you Spain maybe to get a leg over, you believed it. Look at it as a lesson learned. He was hardly ever going to say I ve got a lovely wife at home and some beautiful children, she’s the love of my life and I’m never going to leave her but can I put my d$-k in you for some extra fun on the side. Truth is is you should feel guilty, then realize he’s a lying pos, move past it. Be better than this and him. Meet the man of your life who’s legit single and be happy. Think about how shit his wife and kids will feel about him and you. He’s a classic shit and most women deserve way more than this, you included.

I’ve always had the belief that men will tell you absolutely anything to her their leg over.

He's able to turn it on and off because that's what he did all along, whilst lying not only to you but to his wife. I'm not sure someone can live a double life like that without being able to switch it on and off.

Read a few of the threads on this board and you will see how common this script is.

And I'm sure he loved having someone to complain about his wife to who would massage his ego in return!

Switching on and off, and the ability to maintain this sort of double life are classic traits of a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Do you - and people generally - find him to be quite charming, extrovert, seemingly caring and thoughtful?

I hate women like you

Regardless of the rights and wrongs, it's incredibly difficult to be in a position where you really loved someone who lied to you. I'm sorry @namechange123455 ❤️

As others have said, time is a healer. Delete everything you have of his. Delete his number and email. If you have photos and can't bring yourself to throw them in the bin then put it in a box and chuck it in the shed. Absolutely no house room.

You'll get there in time. You've been betrayed - what you thought was going to happen never was. That is incredibly hard to get through. I was with a man who did similar to me and I ended it. He broke my heart and it took me a very very long time to stop him entering my mind.

You'll get through this. X

I’ve never had a relationship with a married man, but did get heartbroken when a BF left me. This was before social media and email.

The only thing that helped me was time. I still think about him occasionally.

As suggested, exercise will help. Other distractions too, maybe do something like learn a new skill/language/hobby to keep your mind occupied.

Then don’t get involved with a married, or otherwise attached, man again.

The ones who cheat have zero respect for their wives and children, so they won’t have respect for you either. Don’t get drawn into a situation we’re you also have zero respect for some bloke’s wife.

@Maze76

I hate women like you

Must admit at feeling the same @Maze76 But I still also cannot fathom why anybody would get involved with someone who's married. It doesn't make any sense - aren't there non-married people out there who these people can talk to?!

Op I'm kind of in the same situation. But it's hasn't lead to nothing yet and I am finding it pretty hard to keep it that way . I'm in a long term relationship and so is he . Married with young children . Both of us built up such a great friendship for the last 3 years . If he was a women he would be my best friend . But so his feelings have happened . I knew he was starting to have feelings for me about a year ago and so was I but both of us obviously kept quiet until a month ago we had had a drink and it all came out . He got upset saying he hates feeling like this because he shouldn't be having feelings for anyone but his wife and I'm the exact same too . Both of us have and are still having difficulties with our relationships but that's life so is everyone else so I like can't blame us liking each other because of that . We both clicked form the very start . We can talk for hours we are so alike and I hate it ! We both work together . There have been a few occasions where something could of happened but I feel so guilty that I have never made the 1st move neither has he and it's odd some days he is all I think about but then I have days where the thought of doing anything with him turns me and I go off him for a while . I don't know what the hell that is about . I have said to him we can't do anything but who knows a few years down the line both of us might be in a position to actually get together . I'm in bit of a mess . He phoned me every day , texts me all the time . He makes me laugh so much . And I am scared that something will happen between us the longer this goes on .

Look at it this way, its very unlikely that you were his first and you sure won't be the last. Also consider the fact that if you had got with him, sooner or later it would be you that he was bitching about to some other women whilst she was being all sympathetic.