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Original poster

Meeting my Boyfriends son

29 replies

Kat958 · 28/09/2020 09:52

Hi all

Just after some advice really. I have been with my partner for 9 months, met most of his family and stay with him most nights of every other week. He keeps suggesting I meet his son, which he has been suggesting since July, every time I get my hopes up but it never happens. I haven't really said anything as I don't feel it is my place to however now he has started bringing up moving in together etc and people have commented how strange it is that he has not integrated me into that part of his life particularly as we have such a good relationship. I do not have any children so I'm not really sure what the hesitation is. He met his ex's new partner before they met his son and I said I was happy to do the same as if the shoe was on the other foot I would also want to know who my child was spending time with.

I just feel a bit confused about the whole situation, should I address it or leave it as it is?

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 28/09/2020 10:31

9 months isn’t very long at all. Especially to be moving in or meeting partners child... I’d give it a couple more months and once you’ve been together a year I’d discuss where it’s heading etc then take it from there

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/09/2020 10:34

Slow is good. No child needs to see a procession of girlfriends who then dissappear. Just take your time, if that means you move in later than you would have if he didn't have a child thats not a bad thing, it's the mature thing.

Original poster

Kat958 · 28/09/2020 10:35

We aren’t planning on moving in tomorrow or anything he suggested it for as something to think about next year. It actually didn’t sit right with me as I feel there’s things we need to work out before we even think of moving in. I was just looking for peoples opinions on whether this was normal or not as I’ve never been in this situation before.

OP posts:

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/09/2020 10:45

To me 9 months is not too fast at all. Its not as if you met his child after a couple of weeks! But you should do what you think is right. I guess it also depends on the age of the child. I don't think moving in sometime next year is a bad thing either.

Original poster

Kat958 · 28/09/2020 10:54

I would not really call a 9 month relationship a procession of girlfriends either. I am the first person he has brought home to meet his parents since his relationship with his sons mum so think it is unfair to assume that.

I have no problem with taking my time. I was just curious why he would suggest in and insinuate it regularly but not follow through with it, I didn't know if anyone had been in a similar situation and could shed some light.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/09/2020 11:08

I'm not assuming anything @Kat958. Your partner needs to think long term and how it will impact on his child if he dates several people for a year or 2. No child needs to build a relationship and then have be broken off that many times.

Original poster

Kat958 · 28/09/2020 11:13

@Disfordarkchocolate you literally made an assumption that he had a procession of girlfriends but okay. Thank you for your opinion but realistically I do not know anyone who has waited two or three years to introduce their partner to a child.. It does not sound particularly healthy for a relationship. Who could sustain a relationship only knowing half of their partners personality for years whilst they test if they are going to keep them around or not, sounds quite damaging to me.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 28/09/2020 11:25

[quote Kat958]@Disfordarkchocolate you literally made an assumption that he had a procession of girlfriends but okay. Thank you for your opinion but realistically I do not know anyone who has waited two or three years to introduce their partner to a child.. It does not sound particularly healthy for a relationship. Who could sustain a relationship only knowing half of their partners personality for years whilst they test if they are going to keep them around or not, sounds quite damaging to me.[/quote]
If you're not able to accept that the wellbeing of his child is more important than your relationship, dating men with children isn't for you.

Coriandersucks · 28/09/2020 11:31

So address it with your partner then, you’ve clearly made your mind up.

FWIW I agree with other posters in that 9 months is no time at all.

ravenmum · 28/09/2020 11:45

I feel there’s things we need to work out before we even think of moving in
This might be a clue. Even though your bf is obviously keen, maybe he also feels a bit uncomfortable about introducing his son to a woman who could potentially be one of multiple gfs, however much they might want to be together now.

StephenBelafonte · 28/09/2020 11:49

Hi OP I don't think 9 months is too fast or too slow to meet his son i'd say it was pretty average tbh.

I just wanted to come on and say that there is a mumsnet thing whereby if you've been dating someone a while you move in with them. I don't really see much of this in real life but it seems very common on Mumsnet. You don't have to live with someone, it's ok to date long term. Can I ask what your thoughts on marriage are?

iluvgab · 28/09/2020 11:51

There shouldn't be talk of moving in until you have met his son and got to know him over a longer period of time. Perhaps the two of you won't get on at all.
If it is general talk about "next year", "in the future", then there needs to be a discussion about what has to happen before you can move in together.
The next time he brings up moving in, tell him that this is only something you would consider once you have got to know his son and that moving in is two or three years in the future.

ravenmum · 28/09/2020 11:54

I do not know anyone who has waited two or three years to introduce their partner to a child
How long have all the other people you know in this situation waited? How did it work out?
I had one bf for more than a year without meeting his 10yo.
Current bf also has a 10yo whom I met after about 6 months. But after 3.5 years I am still very much daddy's girlfriend who visits occasionally. We mostly try to meet up when she is not there, as her visits are her daddy time.
My mum introduced me to just 2 of her bfs when I was a little girl, one being the man she went on to marry. The other I just remember as an embarrassing moment being introduced to a stranger and hiding behind my mum on the settee.

How long do you think your parents would wait/would have waited before introducing a new partner to you?

Potterpotterpotter · 28/09/2020 12:46

9 months is no time at all... his son is more important.

Sakurami · 28/09/2020 12:51

I think it depends on the age, the situation, the individual etc. My kids won't need to meet my bf until we are very very serious because I see him when they are with their dad. I don't think it is weird not to have met him after 9 months. No rush

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/09/2020 12:55

I think you need to take all this much less personally @Kat958. I didn't assume your boyfriend had a sucesssion of girlfriends. I gave an opinion based on general principles of what's good for a child, that's security. My children met my boyfriend when I was sure we were going to marry. I wouldn't have let them meet him otherwise. Even then it wasn't easy.

hereyehearye · 28/09/2020 13:26

Hasn't six months of this been in lockdown? How have you even met him?

I suppose covid is nothing to you getting your leg over?

ahsan · 28/09/2020 13:37

Think you need to consider the mother’s feelings in this as well is she ok with you meeting HER son. If I were you I wouldn’t even talk about it or push for it as it’s nothing to exactly do with you it’s between your boyfriend and the mom

ravenmum · 28/09/2020 13:38

@hereyehearye

Hasn't six months of this been in lockdown? How have you even met him?

I suppose covid is nothing to you getting your leg over?

did you post on the wrong thread?

hereyehearye · 28/09/2020 15:26

She's known the guy 9 month but lockdown has been going on for 6. Doesn't matter, this has disaster written all over it.

IronNeonClasp · 28/09/2020 15:49

@hereyehearye

She's known the guy 9 month but lockdown has been going on for 6. Doesn't matter, this has disaster written all over it.

What a horrible, damn right bitchy opinion.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2020 15:54

So next time he mentions it, tell him he's said it a few times now and nothing has come of it, so you'd prefer he doesn't mention it again until he's ready.

Same thing if he talks about living together...say that until you've met his son and gotten to know each other, moving in together won't be on the cards in the best interests of all of you...especially his son.

Scweltish · 28/09/2020 16:05

@hereyehearye

Hasn't six months of this been in lockdown? How have you even met him?

I suppose covid is nothing to you getting your leg over?

Oh bore off 🙄

Puppy72 · 29/09/2020 16:06

Hi OP. How old is his son? Have you potentially thought maybe he's broached the subject of it to his son and that his son has perhaps said he didn't want to meet? Whatever is happening. I am sure your dp will introduce you when he's ready and comfortable to. In the grand scheme of it I personally think 9 months isn't a long time to be with someone to suddenly decide they can be a permanent fixture in their child's life. I mean that with respect.

MeridianB · 29/09/2020 17:09

Depends massively on age. How old is his son? Also, how long has DP been separated from child’s mother?

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