Playing with fire/needing some adult life

[Thrillseeker32]

We are not alone in not having help with our kids. I'll start with that, as I know tons of people have no free childcare. But I want to start here to explain. I am with someone who has a heart of gold. He is a great dad to our two children. Before our children we'd do what young people without kids do. We'd go to the cinema. Weekends away. The beach. Get drunk. Have takeaways and meet with friends. We had a normal sex life and all was great.

When I was pregnant with my child six years ago I fully expected we'd spend alot of time with our families. His parents were half an hour away. Mine lived locally. I thought we'd do Sunday dinners and days out with the grandparents. I thought we would sometimes drop our daughter of at dh parents as they live near a city. Then occasionally we would go to shop or on a little date to the cinema. Just random outings sometimes. But my partner's sister had a child two months before us. His parents choose to move 90 minutes away to be with her. They barely see us. My parents just didn't get into being involved. We've accepted it. But it does mean we can't have any time as a couple. Which before anyone suggests babysitters, it's not something I've seen locally and I'm not comfortable with it anyway. In 5 years we've had 5 afternoons in total childfree. 2 we were decorating. We are literally just mum and dad. Us as a pair do not exist. We don't even have sex anymore. We fall asleep seperately. Yet we get on like friends still. Partner says we will get it back as the kids get older. I feel it's gone beyond that.

It must have got bad because I've spent the last two weeks considering meeting up with another man if the opportunity arises. Which it hasn't yet. But there's a tiny chance someone else is interested in me. This tiny chance which unlikely will ever become anything has completely messed my head up. Because I never wanted to catch feelings for anyone else. I wasn't looking. I don't particularly find this bloke attractive. But he's lovely. He is painting my friends house and I see her most days after the school run,we've really clicked conversation wise. I can feel him looking at me and my friend said she can tell he likes me.

I can tell I'm playing with fire. I shouldn't be flirting. I shouldn't be willing to take another man's number if it's offered. But I'm really missing having a connection with a man.

I want to have fun again.

Has anyone else felt like this

Bite the bullet and join a site that offers childcare.. You can ask for dbs, check references etc. I have had a few jobs off such a site.
Your marriage needs a reboot.
A new man won't give it that....

Bloody hell op. Our parents lived in other countries. We socialised at home or got babysitters.

In laws are hours away and my mum is a full time carer for my dad so can't babysit.

We have from 8pm every night together.

Take days off during school time.

Most people don't get a baby sitter to have sex. So I wouldn't say the lack of support is what's causing the no sex life.

If you don’t have time for your husband, how will you have time for another man? Or will your husband be doing the babysitting?

Ask at local childcare/nursery places. The staff there might live locally and do babysitting.
Or ask your parents to babysit and go to a hotel for the night. A quick shag off a painter isn't going to improve things longterm

Yeah. Imagine the mess of selling your house, deciding who gets what. Think of how much time you and this painter will have when your kids are with your xh and his new fancy girlfriend for a week at Christmas and over the summer holidays.

You aren’t comfortable getting a babysitter for a five-year-old but you are comfortable contemplating an affair with a stranger??? Can you explain a bit more about this bc to me it makes no sense. And where do you live that getting a babysitter “isn’t done locally” for school-age children?

I think you’re being a bit pathetic to claim that lack of free childcare is the reason you are considering cheating on your husband.

Dh and I have zero family help. Our closest family lives 1.5 hours away. But both of our mums are married to men (not our dads) who are child sex offenders. We can literally not leave our children with anyone in our biological family due to the risk of possible abuse.

That’s pretty shit, frankly. But it’s not stopped us having a life. Smallest dc is only 2 and just stopped bf last year, and then COVID, so it’s not possible to ha night out at the moment. But when we just had the one, we had nights out and weekends away. That’s what a decent babysitter is for. You can say you ‘don’t feel comfortable’ with that, but it’s a hell of a lot better than cheating on your husband. Also you don’t need big nights out and weekends to have a happy healthy relationship. You make the best of what you have and watch you can afford if your relationship is worth it.

I think you are not alone in wanting fun times. Our soluion has been to start a babysitting circle with friends from DC school. It's great, cheap flexible.

You want your husband to babysit while you go off and have a fling with another man because you can’t go out with your husband. That’s what this boils down to.

As a single parent who has no one to help with childcare, one child with SEN, hasn’t had a partner in over 10 years, sex? What’s that? My social life has entirely disappeared, I have 1 close friend who is in pretty much the same position as me, we chat on the phone once a week, I work 2 jobs and I’m studying too, it’s endless and thankless and I get you but I also think you need to catch yourself on. Book a babysitter and go out with your husband.

You are not comfortable with a babysitter but you are comfortable enough to meet up with a man ? Give me a break !

Can your friend babysit for you?

Ask other parents for babysitter recommendations

You will get annihilated on here op. But you need to focus on the fact that you recognise that your relationship is suffering and I feel you! Having kids is hard. I've got an 18 month old and an 10 year old. The 10 year old doesn't see his dad, and 18 month old is still bf & co sleeps so me and Dps relationship has definitely taken a hit. Sometimes you fantasise that the grass is greener but it really isn't. You need to focus on your relationship and nurturing it again. There are plenty of people out there with little/no family support but there are plenty of good suggestions for alternatives of finding a sitter you can trust. Or even just make a conscious effort once the kids are in bed to spend an evening as a couple. Play a board game, watch a movie, cook together.
If you really think your relationship has run its course, please leave him before considering anything else. It will destroy too many peoples life to cheat.

I wouldn’t ruin a good marriage and hurt a good husband and father for a lack of a babysitter (sex). I’m really side-eyeing this right now.

Find a babysitter or take off during the week when your dc are in school and spend the day together.

Have you even tried working on your relationship? It doesn’t run itself.
Falling asleep at different times screams to me that you’re both not even trying.

Lust is not worth trashing a family unit and marriage for.

I get it. We also have no help from family but we do have friends.
I thought my relationship was co-parenting with a good friend but nothing else. No sex, no closeness, nothing.
A few months ago, my kids (who are a bit older than yours), went on a double sleep over at a friends house and we had the night and the next day off. We went out, had a few drinks and had a great time, we laughed loads, really enjoyed each other then went home and had brilliant sex with no small people around. It was great.
When the kids are little, it's really hard but think about what it would do to them if you screw everything up. Just hold on for a bit and it will get better. Also, find a babysitter and go out sometimes with your husband. This is important. Another man will not fix you.
Please don't throw it all away.

Completely agree with ohio because I told my friend this, that her Dh was a lovely bloke and wouldn't be single for long if she decided the grass was greener.

Her first Christmas alone without her children she drank herself into oblivion because no on else could have her round due to their own commitments with their own families. She had to move out of the family home as it was sold, move somewhere miles away as that was all she could afford and she is alone. Her ex is very happily coupled with a lovely woman who my friend's children adore.

Lack of childcare for you to spend time with your husband is bullshit. You carve out time because you make time. Arrange a babysitter for goodness sake. You are watching your marriage circle the drain and you are considering endangering it completely. Dh and I had my Mum come over once a week and we would go out in the evening to the shops or grab a coffee together.

My Mum died 10 years ago, at no stage did that prevent me and Dh from having sex or enjoying being together. This is an excuse you are using. Turn in to your marriage and make it work. The alternative is very sobering when you fast forward your life 6 months down the line and you are getting a divorce.

So, you want to have an affair because the relatives won't or can't babysit?

You must have friends that have babysitterss . Ask them someone they would recommend to care for your kids . Use them for a couple of hours while you pop round a friends for coffee . Once you feel comfortable, book them one night and make a date with your DH, and go out and start reconnecting with him .
Both my parents and In Laws live on the other side of the world , we still managed . I think you’re making excuses tbf
You feel uncomfortable with getting a babysitter but are seriously comfortable with idea of meeting another man on the quiet ? Madness right there !!

@Thrillseeker32

We are not alone in not having help with our kids. I'll start with that, as I know tons of people have no free childcare. But I want to start here to explain. I am with someone who has a heart of gold. He is a great dad to our two children. Before our children we'd do what young people without kids do. We'd go to the cinema. Weekends away. The beach. Get drunk. Have takeaways and meet with friends. We had a normal sex life and all was great.

When I was pregnant with my child six years ago I fully expected we'd spend alot of time with our families. His parents were half an hour away. Mine lived locally. I thought we'd do Sunday dinners and days out with the grandparents. I thought we would sometimes drop our daughter of at dh parents as they live near a city. Then occasionally we would go to shop or on a little date to the cinema. Just random outings sometimes. But my partner's sister had a child two months before us. His parents choose to move 90 minutes away to be with her. They barely see us. My parents just didn't get into being involved. We've accepted it. But it does mean we can't have any time as a couple. Which before anyone suggests babysitters, it's not something I've seen locally and I'm not comfortable with it anyway. In 5 years we've had 5 afternoons in total childfree. 2 we were decorating. We are literally just mum and dad. Us as a pair do not exist. We don't even have sex anymore. We fall asleep seperately. Yet we get on like friends still. Partner says we will get it back as the kids get older. I feel it's gone beyond that.

It must have got bad because I've spent the last two weeks considering meeting up with another man if the opportunity arises. Which it hasn't yet. But there's a tiny chance someone else is interested in me. This tiny chance which unlikely will ever become anything has completely messed my head up. Because I never wanted to catch feelings for anyone else. I wasn't looking. I don't particularly find this bloke attractive. But he's lovely. He is painting my friends house and I see her most days after the school run,we've really clicked conversation wise. I can feel him looking at me and my friend said she can tell he likes me.

I can tell I'm playing with fire. I shouldn't be flirting. I shouldn't be willing to take another man's number if it's offered. But I'm really missing having a connection with a man.

I want to have fun again.

Has anyone else felt like this

The minute you do anything with this other man, you will have destroyed your marriage, let yourself down and ruined everything and for what because it will only be for sex.

It's tough when you have no support. I've been there. It's not a good enough reason to be unfaithful.

If I were you I would look for a babysitter

Why don't you ask the painter to babysit?

Your Partner has a “heart of gold.” Are you actually going to feed him a shit sandwich by cheating and making a fool of him? Are you going to betray your children and destabilize their home, all for some illicit ego boosts/sex?

If you are flirting and hoping OM likes you, you have already started the above process.

Strengthen your boundaries and stay away from OM. Talk to your P. Prioritize finding child care and revitalizing your relationship. Stop falling asleep separately. If your relationship cannot be salvaged, end your partnership with integrity.

Your P and children deserve to be treated with your utmost respect.

Oh grow up OP.

It's a bit pathetic to be pearl clutchy about babysitting. Your entire ramble could have been solved by: "hire babysitter".

I think you maybe need to get over yourselves and have a think about what people do if they live in a different country or dont have parents.

But if you would prefer your kids to grow up terrified of strangers and with frustrated cheating parents then by all means continue