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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So what did my husband mean when he said this?

27 replies

milou2 · 10/10/2007 11:38

ok, 13 years ago we had been married about 6 years, I wanted to start a family. I had waited 2 years for him to come round to the idea. He moved to a job he really wanted, we moved out of London, I stopped work.

We went for a walk one day and his words were 'You only want children because you have been a failure at everything you have done in your life'.

What was he thinking?? For that matter why didn't I cut and run there and then, but that's another story. Please shed light on this man I have been married to for nearly 19 years.

Yes, this is a very old conversation, but I'm needing to face up to stuff from the past and am only getting round to it at midlife.

OP posts:

PregnantGrrrl · 10/10/2007 11:40

did you have a family?

CountessDracula · 10/10/2007 11:40

Have you not asked him?

I don't think any of us can imagine what he was really thinking any better than you can. It may have just been a silly joke (very bad one) or he may genuinely feel that. I think you need to talk to him about it really

Lulumama · 10/10/2007 11:40

ye gods

i thikn he has done you a favour by not having children with you

what did he mean? well, on face value, he does not think much of you as a person, a wife or anythign else.

how horrible

LucyJones · 10/10/2007 11:40

I don't think there is any way of misinterpreting such a cruel thing to say.
Have things been alright since then?
I guess the only person who can answer your question is him.

essbeeavenue · 10/10/2007 11:41

Message withdrawn

WillyWooooaaaahnka · 10/10/2007 11:42

From your post, your only obvious failure was finding a encouraging and supportive dh...

Spiderhammer · 10/10/2007 11:44

I would think it says more about the way HE feels about having children. Perhaps he has a notion that those of us who have children are trying to fulfill some perceived failings in our own lives. I would guess it wasn't really a personal comment on you but says far more about how he feels on the issue.

But yes, ask him.

HappyWoman · 10/10/2007 11:45

So why has he stayed with a failure all this time?

Believe me i know that things from the past can come back to haunt you but you really must not anyalise one conversation from such a long time ago. If you are now wondering if you are going to stay with him then you need to make the decision and then just do it not try to justify it from way back.

Thats only my opionion anyway - i would hate to think that i had wasted my life with someone who has carried resentment for something i said so many years ago. So i feel for your poor husband if that is the case. Having said that you should not stay if you are truely not happy now - but only you know if you are. Dont look back you cant change that only look forward from now on and the rest of your wonderful life you can have.

Sounds harsh but move on.

morningpaper · 10/10/2007 11:46

I don't know, this might be the sort of Thing That Men Say when they are just being bumbling and clumsy

Men's idea of success is largely things like career and money - so if you had a crappy job and no money then he might conclude that you had failed.

Whereas WOMEN and NICE PEOPLE understand that success is measured in many other terms rather than financial.

Is this a possible interpretation?

compo · 10/10/2007 11:48

men say all sorts of things when they are trying to get out of having kids and desperately want to cling on to their youth...
Really you need to move on...

PoshCod · 10/10/2007 11:48

he meant
" i dont liek you ever much"
sorry tis true
what a shit thing to say

littlelapin · 10/10/2007 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 10/10/2007 11:51

You need to either talk to him about it, or drop it.

It's possible you misheard him. It's possible he was in a particularly shitty mood and said something he didn't mean. It's possible he was trying to avoid having children. It's possible he was saying something to see how it sounded.

You can't judge a relationship, or a person, on the basis of one conversation, particularly one that happened 13 years ago. Odds are, he won't remember it anyway.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/10/2007 11:55

What a horrible man!?

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 10/10/2007 12:06

A*hole!

warthog · 10/10/2007 15:10

sorry, but this comment is very clearly out of context.

have you gone onto having a family? does he often make comments like this? was it a one off? if so, was he speaking some modicum of truth? why only now is it bothering you?

you have to explain the full story if you want to gain some real insight. otherwise the way you've worded it clearly paints him as a wanker.

crapcook · 11/10/2007 17:21

I don't think I would be able to forget if my DP had said something like this to me even if it happened 13yrs ago.

But I would have had it out with him so would know the reason why he said it.

Speak to him and find out why he said it. Chances are he may remember it too...especially as most people don't go round saying such vile things like this to others on a regular basis.

HappyDaddy · 11/10/2007 17:24

He meant "i'm a selfish prick".

Sorry, but that's it.

Tortington · 11/10/2007 17:26

by your own standard - do you consider yourself to have been a failure?

Original poster

milou2 · 16/10/2007 22:14

Thanks for all your messages.

I've taken a while to respond because it is a personal matter, and I hadn't quite realised that I'd need time to sit and think about the responses with time and space to take it all in.

Yes, we have 2 children. I have asked him about various unkind things he has said in the past and his replies have been along the lines of 'you are making it up', 'I never said that', 'it was in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean it'.

Yes, you are right that I don't need a moment from the past to justify moving on. In fact in many ways I have moved on. But I have a lot more moving on and letting go to do.

The expletives made me feel much more cheerful!!

OP posts:

bumposaurus · 16/10/2007 22:22

OK, so you have decided to move on and good for you. You are the captain of your own ship and I cannot see into your life. But, if I have read correctly (please jump on me if not) he said this BEFORE children. If so, how does he feel about you as a mother and partner since?

Original poster

milou2 · 17/10/2007 11:58

I just don't know how he feels about me as a mother and partner. I sort of go blank when I ask myself that. I'll try.

I suppose he thinks that I'm always there for the children, that I have done my best to read to them a lot, he can see that I look after them when they are ill/wake in the night (or rather doesn't see as he's asleep, but I will inform him who has growing pains, cough etc in the morning).

As a partner, he is confused by the fact that I have changed from a compliant, pleaser, very much a supportive wife willing to move house for his job.

Now I'm someone who shouts back if he is rude to me (and he doesn't bother any more, or I don't notice), I stick to my views rather than being persuaded round to his view.

I'm also trying out my negotiating skills on small household issues, in a reasonable and patient way. I've also changed my attitude to the house, no longer scared of what he'll think, I do what I do in the house for myself and have Flylady to thank for that.

I was very kind and supportive when he was off work for 8 weeks this spring. He may have had a breakdown or may have veered away from it. He's back to being a long hours man and isn't getting help as far as I know. I am keeping myself afloat now rather than drowning with him, so he may see me as heartless rather than keeping my new boundaries.

OP posts:

colditz · 17/10/2007 12:02

If you ask me, he was showing some fairly blatent contempt for you with that comment.

And I agree with you, that just because you are sailing a boat together, doesn't mean you have to drown together. If the boat sinks, and he chooses not to swim, there is nothing making you choose the same.

colditz · 17/10/2007 12:03

And as for changing from a compliant wifely pleaser, all you turned into was a mother. He's not the most important person in your life any more - sometimes that comes as a shock to men, though God knows why.

Anna8888 · 17/10/2007 12:04

Do you think that you were possibly an unassertive and compliant younger woman - and hence, because you didn't assert yourself, you didn't achieve much in professional terms? And that, as you have aged and had children, you have gained confidence in your own abilities and are therefore able to assert yourself? And that your husband liked that unassertive person because he could put her down and hence feel bigger/stronger himself?

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