DH calling me a bully and a liar

[Hulahulahooper]

DH and I had an argument about a week ago. I snapped at him over the kids (he had grabbed DS to stop him climbing to the top bunk to fight with his brother, hit his knee hard on the bunk bed ladder and left him crying in his room in the dark). In response DH started swearing at me and calling me fat - piss off and go eat some more cake fatty.

Next day he said sorry, then he didn’t come home from work that night and didn’t answer my calls (he slept at work, I’m 100% sure there’s no one else).

We haven’t spoken this week, yesterday I tried to talk to him and he told me I was a bully for the way I spoke to him and a liar. I left the conversation because I was starting to cry.

Tonight I’ve tried again to speak to him and he’s told me stop using his name when I talk to him because I’m disparaging him. I asked him not to call me names and he said “but you are a bully and a liar, that’s what you are”. He told me to apologise for disparaging him which I did although I have no idea what he meant and he wouldn’t tell me. When I asked him if he wanted the relationship to continue he said he wasn’t going to be bullied into answering and went to bed.

Is this really bad? I feel stupid asking but my head feels topsy-turvy, I can’t make sense of what’s happened to me. Two weeks ago I would said things were ok-ish. Manageable anyway.

Yes. It's bloody bad.

You stood up to him and this is your punishment.

Think carefully about whether this is what you want in a relationship!

Make an appointment with a lawyer. You're going to need one - particularly to protect your children from other assaults.

He sounds like the bully. And 'manageable' is not exactly a high bar for what's supposed to be a loving relationship. He sounds horrible, OP - sorry.

What a horrible, horrible man and a terrible excuse for a father.

You need to get you and your children out of this.

Do you have any RL support?

Yes that stuff is bad from him.

Out of interest though, just to see the whole picture, you say you snapped at him in response to him breaking up the kids fighting. What did you snap/say? And how? I can't asses if you are a bully without knowing more. Two people can be bullies.

He sounds awful
Allowing a hurt child to go to sleep crying
Refusing to speak to you. And then wanting an apology before he will even decide if he will talk it through
Someone’s a bully and it’s not you

I suspect you’d both be happier apart

When 2 weeks ago you thought things were 'OK-ish' what was he like?

Because 'manageable,anyway' sounds like there were problems in your relationship and how he behaved towards you then.

This is classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim with offender).

HE called you fatty... and yet you are the bully? For what? Using his name to address him. Lol. What horseshit.

OP it is gaslighting territory. Making you out to be in the wrong to feel hurt by his (obviously) hurtful words.

Honestly op this is really bad. Because HE is really bad.

I suggest getting yourself and your wee one far away from this prick.

Might be worthwhile to read up on narcissists because normal people do not DARVO or gaslight like he has. Melanie tonia Evans dies good youtube videos on his kind.

Thank you, this really helps to know that I’m not going crazy here. It’s really bad.

I’m not a pushover generally, I’ve often spoken to him about being too rough with the kids. He’s not a super involved parent - he works long hours and bike rides and is on his phone a lot. He tells me it’s my fault he’s not more involved because I’m so critical of him. I didn’t think that was true but maybe?

I don’t have much real life support, apart from in-laws, no. I moved to be with him and two of our three kids have ADHD so I haven’t worked for five years or more. I do have savings from the sale of my property.

I’ve told him I can’t go on like this anymore. Whenever we argue he ignored me for weeks. I hate it. My dad used to do it to me.

I think it has to end but I still feel like I’m overreacting somehow.

How are you overreacting when he's assaulting your children?

You are not overreacting.

@Alonelonelyloner

Yes that stuff is bad from him.

Out of interest though, just to see the whole picture, you say you snapped at him in response to him breaking up the kids fighting. What did you snap/say? And how? I can't asses if you are a bully without knowing more. Two people can be bullies.

I think I said something like, “What’s going on? DH you’ve hurt DS, please go in there and speak to him and give him a hug. It’s not okay”.

He initially said he hadn’t hurt him, then said it was an accident and went in to give him a hug. I know I spoke in a really irritated tone of voice because I feel fed up with him ignoring the kids fighting until it escalates and then being too rough with them. Usually I deal with all that but I was putting DD to bed.

You are not over reacting but its typical gaslighting behaviour to make you question yourself.
Ultimately you need to decide whether you want to live like this, he will only get worse.

You're to 'stop using his name because you're disparaging him'?

How the hell can you disparage someone by using their name? Does he mean the tone in which you say it? Or does he not know what 'disparage' means?

It sounds to me as though he's just throwing everything he can into the mix to upset and frighten you. I suggest you respond by adding divorce papers into things. Doesn't sound as though he will be a great loss.

Pack for him. There is no future with him.

I’ve been sitting here sobbing and feeling like I was lost in the fog but reading these responses have helped so much. I feel calmer knowing that this is as bad as I think it is and I’m not crazy.

I’m going to go to bed now (I’m in Sydney) but thank you.

Is he on drugs?
He's definitely gaslighting you.
Please don't be his doormat. He was out of order and it sounds like he still is.

He is the bully. It is common behaviour for a bully to accuse you of being one.

Your husband should never ever speak to you like that or call you names. You dont have to allow it or run after him when he is acting this way.

Not on drugs, no. He doesn’t even drink.

Earlier this year he had problems doing our bathroom renovation and starting swearing and throwing things and, after I told him to stop and left to pick the kids up, he rang me and ended the relationship. I patched it up again because I thought it the right thing to do.

I’ve been an idiot because I was scared of the unknown. I’m going to end it for good this time.

Wow, you and your children deserve better 💐

Wow, he is training you to never stand up to him again.

So he thinks you live in fear of the relationship ending? I can believe that because although my abusive x was a nightmare to me, I was also scared of burning my bridges for some reason.

As soon as I left, I knew it was the right thing.

This is awful.

Here are some examples for your petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour:

Name calling during disagreements about the relationship and family life which left me feeling hurt
Ignoring me for weeks following conflict which caused me to feel anxious and uncomfortable in my home and manage the family responsibilities alone
Threatening to end the relationship during conflict which left me feeling unloved...
Throwing possessions around the home in temper during arguments which caused me to feel afraid and uncomfortable in my home

That's if you want to minimise his behaviour in the hope of an uncontested divorce. There are even worse things going on clearly.

You will be much better off in the long run without someone dragging you down.

He sounds unhinged, I'd be worried about the safety of the kids.