DH calling me a bully and a liar

[Hulahulahooper]

DH and I had an argument about a week ago. I snapped at him over the kids (he had grabbed DS to stop him climbing to the top bunk to fight with his brother, hit his knee hard on the bunk bed ladder and left him crying in his room in the dark). In response DH started swearing at me and calling me fat - piss off and go eat some more cake fatty.

Next day he said sorry, then he didn’t come home from work that night and didn’t answer my calls (he slept at work, I’m 100% sure there’s no one else).

We haven’t spoken this week, yesterday I tried to talk to him and he told me I was a bully for the way I spoke to him and a liar. I left the conversation because I was starting to cry.

Tonight I’ve tried again to speak to him and he’s told me stop using his name when I talk to him because I’m disparaging him. I asked him not to call me names and he said “but you are a bully and a liar, that’s what you are”. He told me to apologise for disparaging him which I did although I have no idea what he meant and he wouldn’t tell me. When I asked him if he wanted the relationship to continue he said he wasn’t going to be bullied into answering and went to bed.

Is this really bad? I feel stupid asking but my head feels topsy-turvy, I can’t make sense of what’s happened to me. Two weeks ago I would said things were ok-ish. Manageable anyway.

@AvoidingRealHumans

You are not over reacting but its typical gaslighting behaviour to make you question yourself. Ultimately you need to decide whether you want to live like this, he will only get worse.

Yes trust yourself.

He is gaslighting you and training you.

You are not over reacting.

I ended up with a man who treated me like my mother (he was worse mind you) so it's a very common problem :-/

You can recover from this though.

When he uses the threat of taking the children say ''ok!''

That'll be the next piece of text book bullshit. He'll be applying for 50% residency to avoid paying maintenance.

Say ''that's perfect, I would like to have a life outside of the family too''.

And ''not coming home at night without saying where he is''. Is that a reason to ask for a divorce?

You need to leave this man he treats your terribly.

Well he's obviously got adhd too unless you have because it's genetic. So he's not getting treatment for it or acknowledging it? Lovely.

Please line up support before telling him. These types of men, who punish and believe they are victims are often vindictive and need to win.

They never get better and often as they age they get much worse.

Op, think about how terrible your father made you feel when you were little. Now take into consideration that you’re forcing your children to grow up with the same nasty behaviour.
One of these days one of your children could get seriously hurt. My mother was the same with me and my siblings when we were little. She picked up and roughly threw my sister onto a bed once when she got annoyed with her. My sister bounced off the bed and broke her arm. My brother fractured his eye socket when my mum shoved him when he was in the bath and he slipped.
It doesn’t even take a serious injury to get yourself investigated. If your oh ever left a mark or bruise and your children mentioned it to a teacher that daddy hurt them in a temper, you’d have social services at your door quicker than you could say ‘abusive prick’. And it’s not gonna look good on you if they find out you was present when he was losing his temper with them, but you did nothing about it

There is no way I could have told my x he had to leave. He would have gone berserk.

If you have a male friend, brother, cousin who will come and stay with you while you tell him that could work.

Otherwise you'll have to tell women's aid that you need support (Protection) ending the relationship. They are used to giving this exact type of support.

You’re not overreacting at all. He’s an abusive bully and the way he’s behaving to you and your children is unacceptable. He’s horrible. You and your children deserve better. I’m glad you’re finding support here

Also, you know, you tell a man like this it's over and he thinks

''the hell it's over, I say when it's over'' and he carries on same as before, except he's angrier with you and ups all of the antes.

You're going to need to get help so that's your first move. Think about who you have to support you through this.

You have to get over any pre conceived ideas you may have about women's aid not being for people like you but for worse off people (?!), or the police having more important things to deal with.

Yes it's really bad. He doesn't seem to love you. In fact, he doesn't actually seem to like you. I'm sorry.

Sorry but I'd be telling him to fuck off permanently. You using his name is disparaging but him calling you fatty is fine? And what kind of grown man strips and sulks for more than a week xx

Not coming home and refusing to speak to you;This is him trying to manipulate you into not arguing with him or challenging him.

Calling you names and saying your fat;this is verbal and emotional abuse

Saying he doesn't get involved with the kids because you're overly critical;no he's a lazy shite who's trying to cover the fact he doesn't want to parent his own children

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?,he sounds like a deadweight who's dragging you down.You deserve to be treated better than this.

What an overreaction by him! It’s almost like he’s been bottling something in and he’s taking his frustrations out on you and dc.

Maybe couples counseling can get to the root of the issue. If not you should leave.

You need to end the relationship for the sake of your own dignity, pride and self esteem. Patching up the relationship after he ended it last time was the wrong thing to do. It’s why he now speaks to you like he’s does. He knows you need him more than he needs you. It makes you “less than” him. He had decided he didn’t want you anymore so he’d already ditched you in his mind but you begged him back. The reasons he didn’t want you are still there inside his head. He still doesn’t value you or rate you as a wife/person. That’s why he can call you fatty etc. It’s the kind of thing a teen does when he wants his girlfriend to dump him. Now you need to stop crying and firmly ditch him. It’s hard but you will look back in years and be pleased you did. You shouldn’t allow anyone to speak to you like he did.

Let’s unpick this.
He was involved in an incident with your son. Nothing to do with you. You didn’t start it. He did. Your son got hurt and as a parent you asked him to rectify it. All fair and reasonable decisions.

He then personalised an attack against you. Insulted you.

Can you see the difference?

That’s why you need to end it

What words did you say yourself when you "snapped " at him?

He's the bully, an abusive gaslighting nasty bully. I hope you manage to finish it this time.

I told him this morning that he needs to move out and he agreed. He seemed a bit taken aback by it, made a couple of attempts to say it was my fault but gave up pretty quickly when I pointed out he was using my name and maybe I should ask him to apologise for disparaging me.

I’m going to pack his things up today.

The poster who asked if he has ADHD, yes I believe he does. He has been diagnosed but I can see the signs. It runs in his family, my boys are severely affected, as are their male cousins.

Thank you everyone who posted. I felt completely disoriented when I posted last night. You’ve made me feel sane again.

Sorry, hasnt been diagnosed that should say.

How are you feeling today?