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Original poster

I've ruined everything and don't know what to do?

29 replies

Flowerpower39 · 27/09/2020 11:27

An ex lover from many years ago got in touch with me a few months ago, it brought up all the old feelings for me. Recently he started ignoring me and I have been upset and asking him why. He didn't tell me specifics he just said he was having a hard time mentally and it was nothing to do with me but of course i kept poking the bear thinking it really was me and feeling confused. He finally has angrily told me its because a certain close family member is seriously unwell and that I keep making it about me. I feel terrible and he has now blocked me. If he had told me what was going on to start with instead of just ignoring me I'd have acted more rationally. Now I'm worried I'll never hear from him again. I'm gutted and i don't know what to do. Help!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 11:29

There is nothing you cam do op, he’s blocked you, he wants you to,leave him alone please respec his wishes.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 11:33

Also don’t blame him for your behaviour. He told you he was mentally struggling. At that point you offer support and let him be. You were not entitled to an explanation past which the one he chose to give you. It is not his fault you didn’t behave “rationally”

BaronessBomburst · 27/09/2020 11:33

He's an ex for a reason. Why would it be different now?

Original poster
Flowerpower39 · 27/09/2020 11:35

I don't blame him, I care about him and I'm really sad for him and about this.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 27/09/2020 11:35

I think he should have just said outright I need some space right now because...... After all you are not psychic.
Unfortunately some people are just incapable of communicating with others. I wouldn't let it bother you.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 11:36

If he had told me what was going on to start with instead of just ignoring me I'd have acted more rationally

This is blaming him for your behaviour.

Just leave him be op.

OhCaptain · 27/09/2020 11:37

Leave him alone.

FourPlasticRings · 27/09/2020 11:44

Oh dear. Ultimately, I think if someone is going to be with you long term then they need to be able to cope with your neuroses, or you need to be able to control them around him. Doesn't sound like a good fit to me. I think all you can do now is back off and move on. I have found the following quote helpful:

'Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at forty, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever happens, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. And so are everybody else's.'

-The Sunscreen Song by Baz Luhrman.

notthemum · 27/09/2020 11:44

I'm sorry you are sad, I'm not one hundred percent certain that it is for him and not for you though and what you thought might be.
Like a pp said he was an ex for a reason.
You really should learn to respect people's boundaries. If they tell you they are having a rough time and want to be left alone believe them. You have hopefully learned that he meant what he said. If at some time in the future he contacts you then that will be the time to THINK about it, before taking any action or trying to involve yourself further into his life.
If not, for God's sake leave him alone and move on.

trebletheclef · 27/09/2020 11:49

Oh that old chestnut - in place of "a member of my family is seriously ill and you should therefore feel bad about hounding me", read "I'm treating you badly by blowing hot and cold and now I'm going to make you feel even more bad about yourself by telling a lie like this".

I suppose it's possible it's not a lie, but he sounds like bad news. Block him if you can. Sorry he's done this to you.

Newtodatinggulp · 27/09/2020 11:58

Agree with trebletheclef.

If he was a properly mature person he would have communicated things clearer from the start. Why the mystery? It’s all far too dramatic and childish.

I think you are not a good match.

mayflowerapplepie · 27/09/2020 12:00

@trebletheclef

Oh that old chestnut - in place of "a member of my family is seriously ill and you should therefore feel bad about hounding me", read "I'm treating you badly by blowing hot and cold and now I'm going to make you feel even more bad about yourself by telling a lie like this".

I suppose it's possible it's not a lie, but he sounds like bad news. Block him if you can. Sorry he's done this to you.

Yup. Been there. Turned out his grandma was actually ill but he was mainly just being a dick and trying to extricate himself from the relationship without actually saying as much so that when I called him out on his behaviour (not just being sad or a bit off but proper dickish) he could blame me and walk away...
VettiyaIruken · 27/09/2020 12:03

Had he even told you about the ill relative?

Wolfiefan · 27/09/2020 12:04

Exes are exes for a reason. Time to learn that lesson OP.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 12:06

I’m not sure he owed her more or this was a lie, it doesn’t seem they were even in a relationship. Were you op?

It’s fine for people to have boundaries and they shouldn’t be slagged off for it. He communicated to her clearly, he was mentally struggling and it was not about her, and he wished to be left alone. He doesn’t owe her more than this, not if they weren’t even in a relationship.

People can put boundaries up. Explain their position and they should expect those boundaries to be respected, not hounded to get an explanation and making it about the other person, and nor should there be accusations like he is getting on here, he’s a liar, he can’t communicate etc.

If there was no relationship then he owes her nothing further than she got. When he told her to back off and why she should have respected his boundary and done exactly that.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 27/09/2020 12:06

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Zaphodsotherhead · 27/09/2020 12:08

If a family member was unwell, why didn't he say that at first rather than say he was 'having a hard time mentally'? If you were in any kind of relationship or, at least, one he wanted to continue, then he should have been honest at first. It's hardly a national secret - he could have asked for space then.

Although I suspect he's just reeling out the excuses for not wanting to talk to you any more.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 12:08

Turned out his grandma was actually ill but he was mainly just being a dick and trying to extricate himself from the relationship

But this is different, this doesn’t read like they were actually having a relationship. She doesn’t say my partner, my boyfriend, just an ex who was in touch. The fact she had feelings, doesn’t mean they were romantically involved.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 12:09

if you were in any kind of relationship or, at least, one he wanted to continue

Again, I think this is where the disconnect on the answers are coming in. She doesn’t say they were in a relationship.

Original poster
Flowerpower39 · 27/09/2020 12:10

Not till he was already ignoring me and i was sending upset messages.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/09/2020 12:13

Did he behave in a similar way last time? Did he dump you last time?
If he is ignoring you then what do you expect to happen if you send upset messages?

Original poster
Flowerpower39 · 27/09/2020 12:16

He did end it last time but he didn't act badly. If he had I wouldn't have spoken to him this time.
I didn't think about what would happen if I sent upset messages, I was just upset and emotional and did it.

OP posts:
Afibtomyboy · 27/09/2020 12:18

He could have told you
Didn’t want to confide in you
You couldn’t read him
He kicked off and blocked you

It’s dead on its legs OP

iklboo · 27/09/2020 12:30

It’s dead on its legs OP

It was already dead. He's an ex from years ago. They're not in a relationship. He wasn't responding to OP's messages but she kept bombarding him with them even though he'd told her it wasn't about her.

Now I'm worried I'll never hear from him again. I'm gutted and i don't know what to do. Help!

Leave well alone. He doesn't want what you do.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 12:36

Op were you in a relationship with him or were you just in touch?

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