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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating or not?

28 replies

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 08:52

Hello new poster here. Really need someone to talk to right now. I have been with my partner for 8 years I have an 11 year old son from previous relationship.
Since she came home from work on Friday she has been messaging some girl from work, the phone has been going th and night. She has been taking the phone all around the house with her which she never used to do.
I've asked her a number of times if something is going on but she denies it. She has now changed the pattern lock on her phone. Yes I tried to snoop. I haven't slept or ate since friday. Even though she knows this situation is upsetting me she just carries on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 08:53

Was meant to write day and night

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 27/09/2020 08:58

Is there anything else that has made you suspicious? Could it be a friend in crisis? If you have a gut feeling then there may have been other signs that something is not right in your relationship. Time to sit down for a proper talk.

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 09:05

She had a picture of me and my son as her WhatsApp picture I said I didn't like my forehead in the pic she then changed it to one of herself. We have just spoke she said she's just a friend with issues.

OP posts:

bert3400 · 27/09/2020 09:07

Yep definitely dodgy. Exactly same thing happened to me DH was being very weird with phone, in loo for hours, changed Patten, denied it several times but eventually he got caught .( He was chatting to women on KIK) We stayed together with a lot of councelling and soul searching on his part . You need to confront, ask her to open phone up in front of you or shel has to leave. She is definitely upto something. Sorry it's igoing to ncredibly painful

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 09:12

Would i be wrong to ask to read the messages?

OP posts:

Scorpiowoman80 · 27/09/2020 17:40

From personal experience, when someone who isn’t usually a private person starts acting sneaky/secretive with their devices it means something is up. My ex actually changed his whole phone number out of absolutely no where, when I put his old sim in my phone I saw a lot of girls numbers blocked on WhatsApp, one of which told me they’d had sex. Thinking back he was very secretive all of a sudden. Just before he changed his number he changed all of his passwords claiming it was for security reasons but that obviously wasn’t the case.

You have every right to ask to see messages. If she genuinely has nothing to hide she has every right to be pissed off with you and you can say sorry etc and start to trust her. If you ask to see them and then she disappears to let’s say the toilet, she’s deleting messages. If she turns it around on to you and gaslights you, she’s cheating.

WhoUsedMyName · 27/09/2020 17:55

100% cheating no one just changes there pin for no reason 🤔I'd question her

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 18:14

Spoke to her earlier she said it's just a friend who needs someone to talk to. She said the girl asked if she could pop down for a chat. So my partner left the house at 1o'clock ain't seen her since, she went out saying she won't be long.

OP posts:

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 27/09/2020 18:28

So you've said this behaviour is upsetting you, but she still goes AWOL for 5 1/2 hours.

At the very best, this is deeply disrespectful. Put her stuff outside, lock the door and turn the telly up.

WhoUsedMyName · 27/09/2020 18:28

Sounds really odd tbh 😬

letsdolunch321 · 27/09/2020 18:29

Have you tried phoning/texting her/ Is she answering you?

As soon as she comes home I would take the phone from her and keep it for the rest of tonight/tomorrow. You will at some point find out who is calling/texting her !!

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 18:36

Haven't tried calling her i wouldn't know what to say and it would lead to another argument I can't handle anymore today. I just keep feeling sick. She's been cheated on in the past so she knows how it feels but clearly she don't care. She say there and said stop stressing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 19:03

Just messaged her to ask when she was coming home. She said soon she's on the way back from a certain place I know the girls lives

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 27/09/2020 19:26

She was glued to her phone when she came home from work on Friday and because of that you stopped eating and sleeping....uh...huh...

And since then you've also not taken her at her word, accused her of being up to something AND snooped on her phone....right...

Maybe she has put a lock on it because she feels you are too highly strung in other ways.
Eg: always in her friggin buisness and space.

OP maybe she is up to something. Or maybe she just feels smothered as fuck because she cant even talk to her mate who is having a tough time without her drama lama bf accusing her of having an affair.

Have some food and an early night. Give her a bit of space. If she is up to something, time will tell. But for now, all you have to go on is her locking her phone ...which may just be because she wants a bit of bloody privacy.

Bunnymumy · 27/09/2020 19:31

I mean unless she is generally a dick or you have other reasons to suspect that she has been cheating...?

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 22:56

She came home at 7.30 and has spent the rest of the night messaging away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 27/09/2020 22:58

Bunnymumy I'm not be bf I'm her gf.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 27/09/2020 23:08

Righto.

Well op, you don't trust her so...does it really matter if she is seeing someone else or not? If you haven't got trust then the relationship is over.

Dunno why you are hanging about torturing yourself. You don't have to prove she is cheating in order to leave. You clearly aren't happy. She probably isn't either. It doesn't sound like it's a healthy relationship for either of you.

autumnhare · 27/09/2020 23:18

Personally I would find it suspicious given it's a change in behaviour and would be on alert.

Scorpiowoman80 · 28/09/2020 02:04

Honestly I’ve just got home from my mums, I went at 6 but I got carried away. There’s gotta be a gut instinct there telling you something’s up so go with that. Keep an eye out but don’t seem too smothering just in case she really isn’t up to anything and that breach of trust could ruin your whole relationship! I take it your worried because her friends a woman too?

Notapheasantplucker · 28/09/2020 02:09

I think she's cheating op. Guaranteed you'll catch her out somehow sooner or later.

Original poster

Spongebob88 · 29/09/2020 09:33

So she didn't actually cheat but said she likes the girl and would go there if she could. I'm a mess right now.

OP posts:

WhoUsedMyName · 29/09/2020 09:49

That's just as bad you need to leave her

Greenkit · 29/09/2020 09:57

Her head has been turned, you're not priority for her anymore.

I would ask her to leave.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/09/2020 10:00

Ignore bunny OP. Unnecessarily harsh really.

Sorry you're going through this.

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