Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Boring sex life

43 replies

jeibee · 26/09/2020 11:39

Name changed for this.

I am finding myself so bored with our sex life. Been together 15 years, DC.

I suppose I should be happy we still do it regularly. He does initiate a few times a week, but it kind of feels a bit routine or like it's expected, or like scratching an itch for him.

I miss the passion for each other we used to have that we had for years. Tbh we've had some tough times and I'm not happy in the relationship for various reasons, he is happy in the relationship though I think. Both of us have our own problems. I know we do still love each other although it has faded for me.

I see sex as something to experiment with and explore, like a hobby and whilst he used to be on the same page, he now seems to think of it as an itch to be scratched as efficiently as possible

I do have quite bad body image hang ups and tell him not to touch or look at my stomach. So maybe he's interpreted this over time as don't touch me much. I don't know. He's older than me. Mid 30s and Mid 40s.

Foreplay is non existent, literally one minute of kissing or groping my bum boobs or down there, no matter how many times I bring up that I want proper foreplay. He gets oral from me but doesn't do anything for me in return unless I ask (I've never liked receiving oral, but like manual stimulation).
I can tell he enjoys sex with me by his face and body language, but it's the same 3 or 4 positions every single time. I feel bad for thinking this, but I'm finding it so boring. There is intimacy otherwise like cuddling in bed or watching tv, and intimacy after, but it feels mechanical and awkward during. We don't kiss anymore during it and only quick pecks goodbye out with.

If I bring it up he says "I'll do it different / do foreplay next time" but never does. Or he'll say "I know, I'm selfish, sorry".

Feel like I'm wasting my 30s. Been together since I was 19!!

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 26/09/2020 11:43

If you have spoken about it with him and he said he would change and hasnt then you have your answer.

He even told you himself he is selfish during sex.

The decision is really whether you can put up with a boring sex life, it doesnt sound like you can so then you need to decide whether you speak to him one last time and if things dont change then you can end the relationship or alternatively just end things now.

No one should have a crap sex life.

Livandme · 26/09/2020 11:57

You have said you are not massively happy in the relationship so there's little wonder there's no passion or enjoyment.
Think that's the issue not the sex itself. It's the relationship that's the problem.
Hope you can find a way to try and fix it.

SunflowerYellow · 26/09/2020 11:57

My ex was the same, extremely selfish in bed he never gave oral to me ever! He said he didn’t like doing it.... more like he didn’t have a clue what to do. He also never used his hands. Sex was boring and over in minutes. No matter how many times I tried to talk about this issue and think of ways to spice things up or tell him what I like nothing worked. He either promised to try more or would just ignore me. He was happy with it because it meant zero effort from him but he would still have an orgasm every time! He was lazy in all aspects of life I just didn’t see it back then.

Do you think your partner can change? If you don’t then you need to decide if you want crap sex. Sex isn’t everything but it’s still an important part of a relationship.

LachlanRose · 26/09/2020 11:57

What ages are your children? I always think this is relevant. When kids get onto pre teen age it can become a real dampener for some people....

How long as it been like this? I think actually, there is some positive things going on with your sex life.... It's frequent and he enjoys it, and you have previously enjoyed it. Are you vocal during sex? Saying what you want?

JKRowlingIsMyQueen · 26/09/2020 12:00

Have an affair.

Sakurami · 26/09/2020 12:04

That isn't sex. You're just a vessel for him to have an orgasm. You get nothing from it at all. No wonder you're dissatisfied.

Original poster

jeibee · 26/09/2020 12:07

Children are 11 and 14. It does make things slightly tricky, but tbh it's the same when we get time alone together when they are at school.

It's difficult to pinpoint when things changed. A couple of years ago maybe, although I think there's been a gradual decline for about 6 years.

I do ask for what I want sometimes, and he'll oblige, but it's off-putting to me that he doesn't do these things naturally.

I feel trapped as it would be extremely difficult for us to split up so I guess I just put up with it. Feels like I'm wasting my 30s. I was 19 when we met and had only had really crap sex before him, he'd been in relationships before, so for years it was great. I miss that.

OP posts:

YouJustDoYou · 26/09/2020 12:13

Don't have an affair, for fucks sake. You don't have a right to sex with someone else, just as a man doesn't have a right to sex with someone else. What terrible advice.

YouJustDoYou · 26/09/2020 12:16

I was 19 when we met and had only had really crap sex before him, he'd been in relationships before, so for years it was great. I miss that

A lot of sex is crap sex. It's not often we find someone who can do things exactly and precisely as we want you could leave him to try and find a matching sexual partner, but some never find that. Some do. It depends on what your priorities are, and what you are or aren't prepared to live wih in your life.

SortingItOut · 26/09/2020 12:16

If for years it was great what has changed?

Tell him you really enjoyed the sex you had back then and you would like your sex life to go back to that.

I know its tit for tat but i would be holding back on giving him oral until he can reciprocate with foreplay.

No one is ever trapped in a relationship, can you explain what you mean?

ravenmum · 26/09/2020 12:24

Have you tried talking about it to him in that nice way you just have, saying how you miss the days when you were more passionate, and how the sex was really good back then? Maybe bring it up repeatedly?

And if he starts with the groping then wants to move straight on to the heavy stuff, perhaps just give a sigh, say "Sorry, I'm just not turned on", and call the whole thing to a halt? Then if he tries to go back a step and start with the foreplay immediately, say "The moment has gone now, I've already been put off"? Seems he has to re-learn the art of getting his partner interested and making an effort in order to get her into bed. As long as he is "getting away" with the quick fumble, he's just going to fall back into that rubbish habit.

I'm assuming that you are actually keen for things to improve, rather than just wanting assurance that this is crap enough to merit a LTB.

category12 · 26/09/2020 12:29

Stop going along with the sex you do have.

Say "me first" if he tries to dodge foreplay. You don't have to do it in a nasty way, you can say it gently or in a funny way, but you need to say it. Basically he needs to get the message that he can't just have sex to get himself off. He doesn't get to put it in until you've had an orgasm. You keeping on having unsatisfying sex that only works for him, allows him to be selfish.

Of course he shouldn't be such a lazy selfish lover, but evidently unless you put a halt it isn't going to change.

VickySunshine · 26/09/2020 12:30

JKRowlingIsMyQueen ... is that advice universal or conditional on being a woman ?.

ravenmum · 26/09/2020 12:35

I'd also work on that body image issue if I were you, though. I love caressing and looking at my bf's body, belly and all, and would find it offputting if I wasn't allowed to. I think that would encourage a lights-off, get in there quick approach. I'm not a huge fan of my stomach either, but I make sure not to hide it from my bf - if I act like it's super sexy then maybe I can convince him it is too

Original poster

jeibee · 26/09/2020 12:38

What's changed is no foreplay anymore, and much less kissing or touching or connection during. Also no trying new things or positions. He doesn't really text me in that way anymore like we used to do, says it feels awkward to sex text.

That's a good way of putting it, I'll maybe try that, but I very much doubt it will change.

I feel trapped because we both work but I do more hours and he could probably claim to be the main carer, even though I do more actual parenting, he is at home more. We split for a couple of months in 2014 and he tried this.

OP posts:

onemorerose · 26/09/2020 12:41

I can’t get over that you don’t kiss, it’s an important part of building passion for me. Do you try to kiss him?

ravenmum · 26/09/2020 12:42

The kids are a good bit older than in 2014. He won't just be able to say that they have to live mainly with him, without their input. If you/he moved nearby, they could come and go themselves at that age.

Original poster

jeibee · 26/09/2020 12:43

We do kiss a little, but it's quick and not passionate anymore. I don't really try anymore, cause it feels awkward.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 26/09/2020 12:45

Once one person starts to retreat, then the other will too. And if neither of you is the one to break through the awkwardness, then you'll both just be sitting on either side of the invisible wall. If you really want to change things, sometimes you have to be the one to set things rolling.
All depends on how much you do want to, though.

Deadringer · 26/09/2020 12:53

No foreplay no sex. I am not really into kissing, i have to be in the mood for it, and i don't like dh near my stomach either, but i still like foreplay, and lots of it, and i really enjoy sex. No way would i be giving him oral and getting nothing but a bit of pumping in return. You are right, he is just scratching an itch, i would rather be celibate than put up with that. If you want a sex life with him, foreplay (for you), you come first, then it's his turn.

Original poster

jeibee · 26/09/2020 13:05

I think you are right. I am wary of further rejection if I make the effort and he doesn't reciprocate, and being completely honest I have a 'why should I make effort when he doesn't' mindset.

It's also that I'm not happy in the relationship I suppose. He is, but I'm not, and he doesn't seem to care that I'm not. He'd be upset if I left but be completely unable to see how he contributed to it.

He's grown more arrogant, less considerate, more shouty (not abusive, just loud and shouty and always has to be right), clearly thinks he's the superior parent (says he doesn't but it comes out of the thin veneer often), wants to spend less time together etc. I feel like I'm just 'there'.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 26/09/2020 13:49

If you are not happy in the relationship the sex is secondary to that.

As someone else said above there is no guarantee he would be classed as the main carer as your children are older now.

Although he started saying about being the main carer in 2014 did he actual get advice or go to court?
A lot of men say stuff they dont follow through with to make you stay.
Its coercive control.

What is the difference in your hours and how does this relate to the childrens school times?

Honestly he sounds like a twat, no wonder you're unhappy.

I would seriously be making plans to leave, he is only going to get worse.

ravenmum · 26/09/2020 14:25

Sounds like it all boils down to the same arrogant lack of respect, really.
As long as he thinks he's right/superior, you won't have much luck changing his habits. He would need to really believe he needs to do something. Have you tried counselling?

Original poster

jeibee · 26/09/2020 14:58

I've been in counselling for years due to other unrelated issues, but the relationship does come up often. Counsellor says she thinks he has narcissistic traits, but obviously she cannot diagnose or anything as she's never met him and isn't a psychiatrist.

Sometimes I think yes and then other times I think no. If he is a narcissist, he's a lazy one!!

I have asked him about couple counselling, no way never is his response. Think he'd rather gauge his own eyeballs out.

OP posts:

Original poster

jeibee · 26/09/2020 15:07

He works mainly when they are at school, I work in the evenings and weekends. I do the school runs though and I'm the main contact for the school etc, and see them both weekdays from about dinnertime to bedtime which is later now they are older, and all holidays. If I'm working long hours at the weekends he often takes them to stay at his mothers, who I don't get on with, but we are sort of civil through gritted teeth. She's always undermining my parenting. I feel she'd like to have them there full time if she could. Adds an extra layer to things I suppose. He never actually went to court last time but he probably would have if we didn't get back together. He wanted 4 days with him 3 with me and would not negotiate.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2