Boring sex life

[jeibee]

Name changed for this.

I am finding myself so bored with our sex life. Been together 15 years, DC.

I suppose I should be happy we still do it regularly. He does initiate a few times a week, but it kind of feels a bit routine or like it's expected, or like scratching an itch for him.

I miss the passion for each other we used to have that we had for years. Tbh we've had some tough times and I'm not happy in the relationship for various reasons, he is happy in the relationship though I think. Both of us have our own problems. I know we do still love each other although it has faded for me.

I see sex as something to experiment with and explore, like a hobby and whilst he used to be on the same page, he now seems to think of it as an itch to be scratched as efficiently as possible

I do have quite bad body image hang ups and tell him not to touch or look at my stomach. So maybe he's interpreted this over time as don't touch me much. I don't know. He's older than me. Mid 30s and Mid 40s.

Foreplay is non existent, literally one minute of kissing or groping my bum boobs or down there, no matter how many times I bring up that I want proper foreplay. He gets oral from me but doesn't do anything for me in return unless I ask (I've never liked receiving oral, but like manual stimulation).
I can tell he enjoys sex with me by his face and body language, but it's the same 3 or 4 positions every single time. I feel bad for thinking this, but I'm finding it so boring. There is intimacy otherwise like cuddling in bed or watching tv, and intimacy after, but it feels mechanical and awkward during. We don't kiss anymore during it and only quick pecks goodbye out with.

If I bring it up he says "I'll do it different / do foreplay next time" but never does. Or he'll say "I know, I'm selfish, sorry".

Feel like I'm wasting my 30s. Been together since I was 19!!

I suggested counselling as it sounds like he could do with hearing an outsider telling him he needs to change. In my own experience, that's about the only thing that might get through to a husband who thinks he's right and his wife's opinion is of little value.

As I understand it, we all have some narcissistic traits. That doesn't mean we suffer from narcissistic personality disorder; that's uncommon. But someone with a lot of narcissistic traits can also be hard to live with.

The fact he refused couples counselling tells you all you need to know about what he thinks of you.

It can cost a lot of money to go to court, does he really want to use money on that?
He said it to get you back and there is no guarantee a judge would agree with him.

Plenty of mums work evenings and weekends so i dont know that he would be classed as the main carer.
Presumably he wants them 1 day more than you so he can claim benefits and maintenance.

I would get legal advice about it especially as the children are older.

Never underestimate the fact that he hss probably contributed to your mental health problems.

The age gap makes me think he saw a young, vulnerable woman who he could manipulate and take advantage off.
Most 29yr olds dont want a 19yr old girlfriend.

We don't have any money really, we are both low earners with high outgoings and only 2k savings, not married. So I've no idea how court would work. When we split before he was adamant that he'd have 4 days, I'd have 3 and nothing would stop him. It was me who said I'll take to court if he tried that, to get it sorted properly, because I wouldn't be having less than 50/50. No idea how it would be afforded by either of us though. Now DC are older they would be asked to choose I think. Don't want them in that position.

I don't think he deliberately chose to take advantage of me. I was vulnerable I guess, but way more sorted at that age than him. I was studying, working, and had my own flat. He was barely working and living at home still. His relationships before me were both women 4-5 years older than him and I think they got sick of his irresponsibility. I think he chose someone younger ie me, as I wouldn't think him irresponsible etc so yes I suppose there's an aspect of that.

We really did love each other for a very long time though. Still do, but his bad traits have worsened over time and I'm sick of them now, find it hard to respect someone who is always shouting and has to be right, can't converse like an adult, and the lack of effort sex wise.

Maybe try just once a week as a special sex night so that it doesn't feel like a chore?
If you are both a little deprived for a few days maybe it will add some excitement?

All that you just said in your last post, op- you need to be telling him that.

Sex is the least of your issues tbh. I doubt you feel like fixing a sex life where you aren't actually that bothered about the person. Sounds to me like you have outgrown him.

I settled when I was young and ex was a bit older than me. I found I outgrew him in my 30s as well. I think it's common in age gap relationships where the man gets with a younger woman when she's barely an adult.

I think this is a way bigger issue than your sex life, from what you’ve said I’m not surprised the sex isn’t great right now.
He sounds like a narcissist. Also he would never have won custody of the kids if he had gone to court. 50/50 is the most he would have got so if you do want to leave don’t worry about him threatening you. He sounds horrendous.

Oh no, only 3 or 4 sex positions however could one cope with that

If you point blank said no to anymore sex as it not fun or exciting, there is no intimacy, that it is predictable and un satisfying and routine, that for you, there just is no point to it, what would he say or how would he react?

@BubblyBarbara Was that really necessary?

Now DC are older they would be asked to choose I think. Don't want them in that position.
I'd als assume they would be asked to choose is how long they want to spend with each parent. You can make that easier for them by making it very clear that this is not a choice of one parent or the other; that it has nothing to do with how much they love each parent; that it is not a test or a competition; and that you are going to be mature and loving about it. If your dh is childish about it, you could then continue to say these sensible things and tell the kids that dad is acting like that because he's upset.
The children are not there on their own; there's at least one mature, responsible adult around to guide them.

But you don't have to jump in at the deep end. Make enquiries, find out information and make your decisions based on facts, not fears. If your dh is not well off, it is most likely bluster designed to keep the status quo.

Hi there, I'm sure you've heard of the cliche advice to "spice things up and try something new" but have you ever considered using sex toys? They have definitely been a gamechanger for my partner and me.

I can see having 2 great benefits for you - you and your partner can both experience a new kind of pleasure which can literally spice things up or at the very least give YOU the pleasure & satisfaction you might be looking for that your partner can physically provide.

You can try out traditional sex toys like vibrators, dildos, prostate massagers (for him) OR if you're feeling more adventurous try BDSM and get kinky with extreme sex toys. Either way, I wish you the best!

I found my XH boring in bed. There was nothing exactly wrong with what he did & I found it satisfying, but it was exactly the same every time, like he was following a recipe

He also used to appear to "perform" as if he was being watched / filmed from the side far too much porn

Current DP brings something new to the table every time - much more fun - I like surprises

It sounds like you're a bit sick of him in general, and understandably so.

When it comes to sex (though honestly I think it's like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic) you could have a think what you might want to try.

What happens if you tell him you'd like to try a thing?

Have you tried pegging? It mightn't be to everyone's taste but it makes a change. I didn't see it as particularly kinky with my latest ex, it was just a way of making love to my partner. It does stimulate you as a woman because the movement involves the front of your pudenda hitting up against them. Everything about it online makes it sound more perverted than it became to me lol.

It has had that novelty with a partner in the past and that was ok too. A surprising amount of men like the idea.

www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=28425

I think you need a frank discussion. It shouldn’t feel so awkward. As you say there are other issues and if you want this to work you need to address them. You might bring some barriers down and get more from him and sex if you spell it out. Sounds like things have been great in the past so tell him you want to go back to that. Men often ignore signs so run a bath, get the oil out and inject some fun into it.

I think all you can do in this situation is take a bit more accountability for what you want during sex, instead of just letting him grope your bum and have a bit of kissing before he proceedes to have penetrivive sex, verbalize that your want to be touched or masturbated, you are an active participant too, talk dirty to him tell him what you want to do and what you want him to do to you, it's about your needs as much as his you both have to enjoy it.

You're only in your 30's. So young. Your dc will be adults in 7 years.
Seriously, take stock of your life.
Do you want to be married to this man in 20 years time?