My partner does NOTHING in the house but i feel guilty for wanting to ask him to step up!

[FookLife]

Just to clarify i say he does nothing, he does mow the lawn (about once every 3 weeks) and will do the odd bit of diy (shelf that needs going up etc) maybe once every 3 months or so. But in my opinion that doesn't equal the daily and weekly amount of cleaning, washing, cooking and childcare that i do.
I've had 3 other long term relationships where i have also been with lazy men who do nothing in the house so i think its just a recurring theme with me.
My DP works full time and does a fair bit of overtime which isnt necessary but running a household and children isn't cheap so we need the money. It can vary when he gets home but at least 3/5 days he doesnt get home until 6-7ish. The other days its between 5-6.
I also work part time.
I then do everything household related, i clean, do the washing, do all the dishes, cook and make all meals, tidy, make beds, do everything for the DC and anything else you can think of i do.
When he comes home i just want him to take some initiative and start the dinner, or do the dishes if there are any, take the DC up for a bath or anything like that!
Weekends are no different, he is there and we do things as a family etc but i organise the DC, he just gets himself ready. I then do the cleaning at the weekend while he is on his phone or watches tv.
I'm not being unreasonable thinking he could help out, if not during the week but at least on weekends?? I feel guilty because i know he works all week and i work part-time so technically i have the extra time to do it but i also look after DC 24/7 and it's really getting me down having to do everything with no help!
I do speak to him about it and say he doesn't do anything to help which i then get the reply of i mow the lawn and do the diy, might aswell bang my head against a brick wall.

Plenty of people work full time and manage a house and children (me). Don’t make excuses for him.

Why do you feel guilty? Is that coming from you or is he guiding you in that direction?

Lazy Bastard needs a good kick up the ass, and then he probably expects to get get his leg over after doing buggerall to help. Next time he goes to the draw to get some clean shreddies and socks make sure they're dirty in a carrier bag under his side the bed. Serve your own food out the pans at tea time, make yourself a coffee and let him get his own. You have to getting even rather than frustrated. If you do it all he'll carry on doing fuck all. My mate used to be a lazy twat at home, his mrs buggered off with her boss in the end.

If you work part time, how many hours is it? For me, if he's working longer hours to make up some money, leaving you free to work part time, then I think it's fair to pick up extra household chores. Not all, but extra to him. Maybe have a talk about jobs u hate, jobs he can do, and take individual responsibilities as a overall arrangement, Divvying up the rest as and when

How many hours do you work? How long have you been together? You say partner, are you not married?

If you keep picking up the same type of man, then you need to change your modus operandi. Do you mummy them from the get go?

You say him working overtime isn't necessary but at the same time you say you need the money so which is it?? Yes working part time means you need to pick up the greater share of household and childcare responsibilities but its also up to you to say to him "can you stick the dinner on while I'm....." or "run the hoover round whilst I'm doing....." if you don't ask you don't get?

Cleaning washing and cooking isn't that big deal - I do it and work full time. Tell him you are getting a cleaner with his over time money to give you a hand if it he doesn't want to do it?

I've had 3 other long term relationships where i have also been with lazy men who do nothing in the house so i think its just a recurring theme with me.

I feel guilty because....

I think there lies your answer..

@ABCDay i think it's mostly because all the females in my family have done the same (man works full time, women part time and then she does all the housework and childcare) so to me i suppose i see it as normal but it's starting to get on my nerves.
And then he comes home and sits on the couch and falls asleep alot so i feel guilty asking him to do things when he's clearly tired. But we sleep the same amount, and i am up with DC sometimes as he never gets up but my job is office based and he is on his feet more (not physically demanding but just more active than sitting on your bum on the computer)

It depends what hours you both work really, but he should at least contribute. I do the bulk of the house work because although we both work full time, his hours are much longer than mine - on a ridiculous scale - I work about 36 hours and he works 70. We have a cleaner one morning a week, my children are old enough to help a bit now and have their jobs in the house, but my husband will help tidy pots, occasionally vacuum etc. Yours probably sees it as his "job" to be breadwinner and your "job" to keep house. You can't do it on your own though and if you are spending your free time vacuuming under his feet whilst he watches tv that is very unfair. Don't rely on him to use his initiative though, give him jobs to do alongside yours.
Many men (including my DH) grew up watching the women run around after the men, doing all of the housework etc and it's a norm that needs breaking. Even at Christmas dinner at PILs all the women are expected to help clear whilst the men go to the lounge to chat. (I'm sure his family think I'm sub-woman for not wanting to be the little housewife.) I was brought up differently having an Army Dad and working Mum, so I was used to seeing a dad who would make evening meals, do the ironing etc.

I work 3 days a week and get a decent wage, we pay exactly half of all household bills including food etc so he isnt making up a lack of contributing.
When i say the overtime comes in handy i mean for things outside of paying bills, like having weekend breaks away, days out and to be honest to fund the extras he buys. He will buy new clothes each month and orders regular protein shakes/drinks etc that aren't cheap so that's what he spends his extra money on.

@FookLife

Just to clarify i say he does nothing, he does mow the lawn (about once every 3 weeks) and will do the odd bit of diy (shelf that needs going up etc) maybe once every 3 months or so. But in my opinion that doesn't equal the daily and weekly amount of cleaning, washing, cooking and childcare that i do. I've had 3 other long term relationships where i have also been with lazy men who do nothing in the house so i think its just a recurring theme with me. My DP works full time and does a fair bit of overtime which isnt necessary but running a household and children isn't cheap so we need the money. It can vary when he gets home but at least 3/5 days he doesnt get home until 6-7ish. The other days its between 5-6. I also work part time. I then do everything household related, i clean, do the washing, do all the dishes, cook and make all meals, tidy, make beds, do everything for the DC and anything else you can think of i do. When he comes home i just want him to take some initiative and start the dinner, or do the dishes if there are any, take the DC up for a bath or anything like that! Weekends are no different, he is there and we do things as a family etc but i organise the DC, he just gets himself ready. I then do the cleaning at the weekend while he is on his phone or watches tv. I'm not being unreasonable thinking he could help out, if not during the week but at least on weekends?? I feel guilty because i know he works all week and i work part-time so technically i have the extra time to do it but i also look after DC 24/7 and it's really getting me down having to do everything with no help! I do speak to him about it and say he doesn't do anything to help which i then get the reply of i mow the lawn and do the diy, might aswell bang my head against a brick wall.

OP You are lucky ! I mean.. he mows the lawn ?? Mine doesn't even do that.

You could have been talking about my bloke here except the difference between you and I is that I am retired and he is a bit younger than I so still has a career.

I do everything, and I mean everything.

If I want something doing I may as well do it myself for the amount of time I have to wait, but I know how to manage him, and he knows when he has reached the thin end of the wedge :)

I am perfectly happy with my situation until I get fed up for some reason and then I kick off big time. This means if I really want something doing he will do it.

It all depends upon how much you are prepared to give and how much you are prepared to let him take is what I am saying here.

Put your foot down woman. STOP.. absolutely stop doing anything for him until he wakes up.

You have little children. We don't, but we do have my family living here so that is not his responsibility - your husband on the other hand does have a responsibility to behave better.

Perhaps you could record what you do/how long it takes you for a week or two and compare it to his working hours? And of course add in his hours of mowing and DIY! Then you could see exactly what you do and also use it to persuade him he needs to do more?

Don’t put up with it. I’d rather live on my own than run around cleaning up after a bloke. Tell him to ship up or ship out

So is he working more hours for his personal treats, rather than family treats?

Tbh id always start with a realistic, detailed list of the jobs required in a household on a daily, weekly, fortnightly, monthly, quarterly, yearly basis.

Then, with it all there in black and white, id have a sit down at the table to chat about how this cannot continue, and tasks need reallocating more equally.

You next move depends on his response.
Going full time and increasing your pension would be my choice..

You're the common denominator.

You're setting your standards way too low.

Does he pay you to be his maid?
I'm nobodies maid. I'd laugh in his face.

My DH was a bit of a man-baby when we got together. He has since been re-educated with a firm but kind hand.

We have simply agreed to take on a set of tasks that are each our responsibility. I do all of the washing/folding/putting away and the general daily tidying. Once a week I clean the bathrooms and change the bedsheets. He does everything in the garden, all of the bins and vacuums the whole house twice a week. We share cooking and cleaning the kitchen as a joint effort. This works for us, it feels even to me and we hardly ever argue about the housework.

I don't know how people get to this point in their relationships. When you first meet, don't you talk about this stuff? When you first move in together, don't you notice that he leaves it all to you?

Didn't you realise you were getting involved with an adult that needed managing and constant supervision? Why would you continue a relationship like that beyond the first few months of getting to know them?

My ex husband used to be similar. He worked full time (usually back by 5/5.30pm), I worked part time (3-4 days) and did all the shopping, cleaning, etc but he would watch me run around the house cleaning or doing jobs whilst sat in his arse and then say "leave it, I'll do it later". I learned that later would never come so just got on with it and then he would call me a martyr!

He is now my EX, not because of that but because he had an affair BUT it did mean that when he went, I didn't miss his (non-existent) contributions.

I now do all the same jobs whilst working almost full time and being a single parent so I'm not sure what you dp's excuse is. At least you now you can manage by yourself though.

Also, my ex husband now has his own house to run and our 2 dc to look after single handedly 40% of the time so I guess he realises how easy he had it!

We have the same set up, dh works full time and me part time. He does all the cooking and the food shopping and I do the washing and most of the cleaning. We take turns to put our lo to bed, so give him a bath, story etc... the one not putting lo to bed will put dishes in the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen and have a quick tidy up. At weekends we share childcare.

Overall I do more childcare but that's because I'm part time, but I couldn't put up with your situation, it's just not fair. Your dh works a 9-5 weekdays while you're doing daily 12+ hours, plus weekends!

I'd be having serious words if I were you! You're in no way being unreasonable to ask him to do more! It doesn't say much for him as it is that he lets you do all that you do while he kicks back!

@MrsBrunch I do agree with you somewhat, i wont go into detail as its very outing but we moved in together fairly quickly, he briefly stayed with me a couple of months prior to this and he would occasionally wash up in the evenings and would make the bed when he got up so i honestly thought he might be different. Silly me!

My DH regularly works 15 hour days in an incredibly demanding job. I'm a SAHM. I accept that Mon-Fri the house and kids are my job. On weekends he cleans, does the food shop, has the kids so I get a break, does whatever he sees that needs doing , i.e he is an equal partner.

Time for a big change in your house OP?

What's he like in his interactions with you, Fooklife? Does he treat you with respect in other areas? Kindness? Consideration?

Hang on, so you're paying half the bills, doing all the running of the house, and all of the childcare? Meanwhile the extra money he makes is spent mainly on him?

What are you getting out of this relationship?