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Original poster

Do I tell him I slept with his friend?!

69 replies

Lemononachair · 25/09/2020 09:46

So I've met someone new and he seems lovely (although time will tell! 😂)

We went out last night and in amongst our chatting I started to suspect that I might know one of his close friends. I got home and looked him up on SM and my suspicions were confirmed! I dated one of his good friends last year for about 7 months :/

I'm now not sure if I should mention this as he might see me as 'his friend's ex' and lose interest! FWIW his friend and I ended on reasonably good terms, I liked him a bit more than he liked me and the relationship didn't really develop so we went our separate ways. No hard feelings. It was pretty casual and we never got to the 'love' stage.

I wouldn't mention it at all but if things go well and we end up meeting each other's friends it might be really awkward if I didn't mention it!

Should I say something or just keep quiet for now?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 25/09/2020 10:58

You need to mention it before someone else does

MadeForThis · 25/09/2020 11:01

Definitely mention it. If the relationship ended well then it won't be an issue.

7 months is too long not to mention.

JimmyJabs · 25/09/2020 11:03

Can we stop accusing women of "stalking" people on the basis that they looked at someone on Facebook? It's really demeaning and it's a completely bullshit definition of stalking anyway.

OP, I think you'll have to mention it before you bump into the ex while you're with current bloke. It sounds as if it's likely to come out anyway, and you don't want it to be awkward. Just say that Facebook suggested him as a mutual friend or something, and you thought he should know about it so things aren't weird with his friend. If it bothers him, best to find out now. I wouldn't have thought he could be such a good friend of your ex's anyway, if he didn't recognise you as his former girlfriend!

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 11:10

@AuntieStella

You need to mention it before someone else does
Why?
Original poster
Lemononachair · 25/09/2020 11:14

@gurglebelly it is possible he does already know! But because it was almost a year ago he might not have connected the dots, or maybe his friend never talked about me?

I never met any of the friends' (I'm going to call him X) family or friends when we were dating so we'd never met before. X and I were 'seeing each other' for 7 months but we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

OP posts:
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 25/09/2020 11:30

As you say he has a small social circle I would tell him before his friend does, but play it down as it’s really not a big deal.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 25/09/2020 11:50

Just tell him. Chances are he won't get funny about it, but if he does, then better to know now then 6 months down the line.

I'd just go with the truth, "so and so sounded like my ex so did a quick facebook stalk, and it turns out it is him. We went out for a few months but we'ren't really that into each other in the end".

Maybe don't mention that you were more into him than vice versa, as he might think you're still after his mate, but other than that its probably not big deal

MUMMY0107 · 25/09/2020 12:19

Is the new guy on FB? Could you add him. He'll see your have X I'm common and can ask if he wants to. That way you're not making a "thing" out of it and you're not hiding it either.

seensome · 25/09/2020 12:30

I wouldn't say anything yet, why try and put him off lol, it's not like you had a proper relationship with him and wouldn't of thought it would cause any tension between them. You only know because you looked at his fb I would pretend none the wiser unless you get a bit more serious to add each other? Then mention 'oh I see your friends with X we casually dated about a year ago, nothing serious, chances are no big deal, let's hope he's not his best mate, the future best man.

billy1966 · 25/09/2020 12:38

The most important thing is to play X down as a nice guy, but it was very casual.

No big deal.

Sakurami · 25/09/2020 12:47

No point mentioning it yet, you have no reason to know . If it comes up and you meet then tell him. If you hadn't looked at his social media you wouldn't know anyway.

Dery · 25/09/2020 12:47

"I would mention it as soon as possible. By hiding it, you're making out it's a bigger deal than it is."

This with bells on. If it comes out later (and it probably would if this relationship goes anywhere), not mentioning it sooner will make it look like a bigger deal than it is to you. In his shoes, I would want to know. Otherwise, it's essentially a sexy secret shared between you and his mate and the fact of the secrecy could really do some damage if it comes out further down the road, but could be made insignificant if you deal with it now.

Potterpotterpotter · 25/09/2020 12:58

I’d tell him and let him decide.

I personally wouldn’t want to date or see someone a mate had been with for 7 months recently.

AuntieStella · 25/09/2020 13:39

@Aerial2020

So (to use an awful phrase) she has control of the narrative.

If he found out from the ex (or another mutual friend - because you can never be sure no-one else knows) he's going to wonder why in earth she didn't mention it, especially if the random third party put an unfortunate spin on it, or does it in front of a group or whatever. If she tells, then there's a better chance of showing that it's ancient history.

The chances of it never coming to light strike me as remote. So if she does the telling, she's taking control and maximising the likelihood of getting the outcome she wants.

user1481840227 · 25/09/2020 13:58

I'd definitely want to know.
It would be a dealbreaker for me...I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone my friends have been with.

backtothefuture · 25/09/2020 13:58

Think of the reverse situation. Would you like to know? I would.

For some people that could be an issue, for others not. I could have relationships/sex with ex-partners of friendship group at different times over years. I never did, I'm not sure why not really but I didn't ... in fact as I get older sometimes now I regret at I didn't.

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 13:59

But she doesn't have to prove anything to him
If someone else puts a spin on it and he believes them then he's not worth being with anyway.
It's not really a big deal to tell him.
It's not some big secret she needs to disclose.
If he mentions it she can say oh yeah we dated, and?
Does she ask all the people he has dated? if it's a small circle , chances are he has.

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 14:01

@user1481840227

I'd definitely want to know. It would be a dealbreaker for me...I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone my friends have been with.
How strange. If it's a small place , that's going to be pretty hard to do. If it's ancient history, it really is no big deal. Everyone has a past.
RomanyBlood · 25/09/2020 14:11

Next time something recognisable comes up in conversation say ‘hang on, is your friend xxxx?... oh wow, small world. I know him. Actually we dated for a bit. No hard feelings, it just didn’t go anywhere.” And take it from there.

Givemeabreak88 · 25/09/2020 14:11

user1481840227 agree I would not date any friends exes or people they’ve slept with ...
and I really don’t think the world is that small that it can’t be avoided Hmm I’ve managed to not sleep with any friends exes casual or not. I guess if you live in a small rural village it might be harder but in London where I am there are plenty of options.

Littered5 · 25/09/2020 14:14

@Potterpotterpotter

I’d tell him and let him decide.

I personally wouldn’t want to date or see someone a mate had been with for 7 months recently.

This best to say something now OP.
JimmyJabs · 25/09/2020 14:21

It's not a case of the OP needing to justify herself. It's more that it might make things awkward if the first her new bf knows about her past thing with his friend is when he introduces them to each other.

As an aside, I don't get why it's such a big deal that she looked him up on social media. It's not as if she went through his bins or stole his bank statements 🤨

user1481840227 · 25/09/2020 14:34

How strange.
If it's a small place , that's going to be pretty hard to do.
If it's ancient history, it really is no big deal. Everyone has a past.

It definitely happened when we were younger. I'm in a small village...but not now!

The OP said he has a small social circle and he's one of his good friends.
I'm in the same situation and no way would I sleep with someone who my friends had dated and slept with. We've actually all discussed this and are in agreement that we would all find it weird and not do it!

seensome · 25/09/2020 14:58

I'm not sure I think it's worse for women than men to have dated someone they know, I could be wrong but I've known of some men that have but are less sensitive about it but for women it's more breaking girl code to date someone their friend has.
Obviously it depends on how good of friend they are, even then my exh before I was on the scene gave his best mate permission to go out with his ex gf, the best mate asked him and my ex h was like yes please! Get her off my back.

I guess everyone is different but as I said earlier I get the impression you've had a date?

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 15:01

Yeah not everyone lives in London.
There are lots of small places people live in.
If someone dated someone ages ago and you date them years later, I really don't see the big deal. Friends or not. People move on.

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