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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unreasonable expectations?

42 replies

Camobag · 25/09/2020 07:18

Let me start by staying im a sahm - children 12 and 3 - so I absolutely expect the bulk of childcare and housework to be my responsibility.
However I’ve increasingly felt a lack of ‘care’ within my marriage - for example he’s not once in 12 years given me a weekend ‘lie in.’

I have to be up now at 6am to get dc1 to school - his school starts at 8am - and then back for dc2 to be there at 8.45am. Dh is up about 8.30 before his lengthy commute to the back room.

Anyway, the last two days I have been really unwell (not covid) and I haven’t slept much. Last night I gave up at 1am and just got up. I feel pretty awful. I went to bed early yesterday even though I couldn’t sleep and the dishes etc from dinner are still all piled on the side. I am now sorting the dc and dh is still in bed.
Is this the norm in a marriage? Am I unreasonable to hope for a bit more care? The other way around and dh gets all the rest etc if ill. I’m not ill often but I just feel so poorly today I could cry - I’m pathetic 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 07:20

Oh and I’ve only been a sahm since dc2. So I wasn’t in fact working until then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 07:20

was

OP posts:
Eekay · 25/09/2020 07:25

No, YANBU. He's being selfish and lazy. You deserve much better.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 25/09/2020 07:31

Jesus how inconsiderate. Why would he think leaving the dishes was acceptable.

Surely he can take one of the DC to school too.

Tell him you're ill and need a break. He can pull his finger out of his arse and do everything for a few days.

Quartz2208 · 25/09/2020 07:32

Nope not normal at all. Should be a partnership this isnt at all

Sirzy · 25/09/2020 07:33

Have you said to him “I need help” and made it clear what he needs to do?

You shouldn’t have to but if you have fallen into the position of being the one to do everything at home then you need to break that cycle

Skibideebapbapbap · 25/09/2020 07:36

Wow, no, not normal at all. What a selfish man.

Hope you feel better soon Thanks

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 07:40

YABU

What time does he get up for work???

From the sounds of it you can go back to bed at 9am 5 days a week........

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 07:40

Oh sorry just saw the back room comment

Anyway doesn't really change things that much - is can still go back to bed at 9am if you wanted to

Odile13 · 25/09/2020 07:43

It’s not normal in my opinion.

I’m currently on maternity leave and me and DH still share housework and childcare aside from the weekday hours when DH is working and I’m looking after DD.

Doing all childcare and housework if you’re the stay at home parent is deeply unfair. Why should you never get a lie in or break?

Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 07:47

Dc2 is only mornings so I have to fetch them for 12 which means going back out about 11.40. I have about two and a half hours I suppose.
I find once I’m up that’s it - and I can’t go back to sleep.

OP posts:
crystalize · 25/09/2020 09:07

No you shouldn't have to go back to bed but your lazy good for nothing husband should be doing his share. But if you never question it or say anything then why will he?

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/09/2020 09:13

Does he do anything round the house?
He sounds lazy tbh.

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 09:47

I don't see how he can be labelled a lazy good for nothing when he's working and OP is a STAHP whose younger child is in some form of childcare half the day and so could feasibly work part time???

Ragwort · 25/09/2020 09:57

Your DH sounds incredibly lazy, doesn't he want to get up with his own children, have breakfast with them, chat about their day etc? Doesn't he care that the person he supposedly loves is tired and feeling unwell and could appreciate a break and the occasional lie in?

I was a SAHM for 12 years, my DH would always be up and taking care of our DS before he went to work (at one time I used the time every morning to go for a 4 mile walk Grin). He always took full responsibility at weekends and most evening to give me time 'out'. He loved (still does) being a Dad and spending time with his DC.

I don't think I'd want to live with someone who clearly didn't want to spend time with their DC. What does your DH do at weekends with the DC? Does he engage with your older DC's homework, school life etc?

The problem is that he is very, very unlikely to change after 12 years Sad. Have you ever had a weekend (or even a night) away on your own?

Kalula · 25/09/2020 10:16

You are not being unreasonable, but you are being a martyr. Communication is the issue. If you don't ask, you don't get.

Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 10:18

Ivbeen - I’ve got 12 and a half free hours at the moment. I had thought I’d look for a job once dc2 started childcare but right now that’s actually quite tricky. Dc1 has already been off school because of the covid situation.
Plus - guess what - if I crammed something into those hours everything else would still be falling on me anyway and I’ve had the children day in day out since March.

No ive never had a weekend or night away because dh won’t take on the childrecare.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 25/09/2020 10:21

He sounds horrible but one particular thing:

I think you should both share the lie ins at the weekend even now. How could your husband refuse this even while you were working? Was it ever discussed??

Yummyplainscones · 25/09/2020 10:30

This needs to change. Your DH is focused on himself only and isn’t showing you any care especially when you are ill. You are a SAHM which is a 24/7 job but when is your time off? Sit down with him and agree a plan going forward starting with time off / lie ins on the weekend.

Kalula · 25/09/2020 10:40

Just a thought, at 12 years old, the oldest is more than old enough to get them self up and off to school, surely, and could perhaps babysit the youngest if you wanted to go out somewhere.

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 10:42

@ivfbeenbusy

I don't see how he can be labelled a lazy good for nothing when he's working and OP is a STAHP whose younger child is in some form of childcare half the day and so could feasibly work part time???
Oh here we go.
Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 10:46

My 12 year old has ADHD and is on the spectrum. Not NT. Struggles with organisation and anxiety and would not be responsible enough to be left in charge of dc2.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 10:47

I don’t think dh is lazy, I just feel uncared for sometimes. I do think he could do more with the dc - he has the weekends for himself.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 25/09/2020 10:48

No ive never had a weekend or night away because dh won’t take on the childrecare.

What does he do? Take them to an orphanage?

What if you decided that this weekend YOU won’t take on the childrecare?

Why does he have the power of veto but you don't? Is he your boss? Just do whatever the fuck you want and leave him to sort it out. Like he does with you and the dishes, you and the school run.

thedancingbear · 25/09/2020 10:50

There's another thread running atm where the OP's husband (a teacher) is being firmly told that looking after two kids is a perfectly acceptable 'holiday' activity.

Again:

Woman looking after kids: full time job (even when they are off to school/nursery by 9am)

Man looking after kids: wind-down activity that you can squeeze in between actual work