Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unreasonable expectations?

42 replies

Camobag · 25/09/2020 07:18

Let me start by staying im a sahm - children 12 and 3 - so I absolutely expect the bulk of childcare and housework to be my responsibility.
However I’ve increasingly felt a lack of ‘care’ within my marriage - for example he’s not once in 12 years given me a weekend ‘lie in.’

I have to be up now at 6am to get dc1 to school - his school starts at 8am - and then back for dc2 to be there at 8.45am. Dh is up about 8.30 before his lengthy commute to the back room.

Anyway, the last two days I have been really unwell (not covid) and I haven’t slept much. Last night I gave up at 1am and just got up. I feel pretty awful. I went to bed early yesterday even though I couldn’t sleep and the dishes etc from dinner are still all piled on the side. I am now sorting the dc and dh is still in bed.
Is this the norm in a marriage? Am I unreasonable to hope for a bit more care? The other way around and dh gets all the rest etc if ill. I’m not ill often but I just feel so poorly today I could cry - I’m pathetic 😂

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 25/09/2020 10:51

he has the weekends for himself

Take them for yourself! Unless he is the Emperor and you are the serf. Then tug your forelock, never let a frown cross his Imperial brow, and gently ever so gently ask permission if you must ever attempt the slightest imposition upon his Imperial Leisure.

thedancingbear · 25/09/2020 10:51

Your DH is focused on himself only and isn’t showing you any care especially when you are ill.

Is he keeping all the money that he earns and not using it to support three other people? My god, that's shocking!

Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 10:53

Well...he keeps most of it 😂

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 10:57

@Aerial2020

Why "oh here we go"
It's a valid observation

He's working. She isn't. Therefore she can't expect him to be 50/50 on all things childcare and household related.

WitchWife · 25/09/2020 10:58

I think this sounds really unfun, but I’m confused about how you’ve only just started noticing/minding.

If you went and said now “I’m having tomorrow off to go out for the day” what would he say?

Anordinarymum · 25/09/2020 10:59

@Camobag

Let me start by staying im a sahm - children 12 and 3 - so I absolutely expect the bulk of childcare and housework to be my responsibility. However I’ve increasingly felt a lack of ‘care’ within my marriage - for example he’s not once in 12 years given me a weekend ‘lie in.’

I have to be up now at 6am to get dc1 to school - his school starts at 8am - and then back for dc2 to be there at 8.45am. Dh is up about 8.30 before his lengthy commute to the back room.

Anyway, the last two days I have been really unwell (not covid) and I haven’t slept much. Last night I gave up at 1am and just got up. I feel pretty awful. I went to bed early yesterday even though I couldn’t sleep and the dishes etc from dinner are still all piled on the side. I am now sorting the dc and dh is still in bed.
Is this the norm in a marriage? Am I unreasonable to hope for a bit more care? The other way around and dh gets all the rest etc if ill. I’m not ill often but I just feel so poorly today I could cry - I’m pathetic 😂

If you create an environment like this he will run with it. I think it is your own fault and I know that sounds mean. Most men are happy to allow their other half to do everything, and mine included will say he does not know how to do things when we are all perfectly capable of doing simple household chores. Stop doing things for him NOW.
thedancingbear · 25/09/2020 11:01

Most men are happy to allow their other half to do everything

Eh? he works, she doesn't. he's the sole breadwinner. How is she doing 'everything'?

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 11:04

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Aerial2020

Why "oh here we go"
It's a valid observation

He's working. She isn't. Therefore she can't expect him to be 50/50 on all things childcare and household related. [/quote]
She is working. Looking after children is working.
What kind of job is she going to get for 2.5 hours while the young one is in childcare?

Original poster
Camobag · 25/09/2020 11:06

Ivfbeen - I agree which is why in my first post I say i expect most of it to fall on me. It’s just right now, having not slept for two nights, I could use some help. Instead of which he’s finishing work at 3pm and going to play golf and he will play tomorrow as well.

However I will say it was NO different when I was working. Ergo if I had a job now I have to assume it would be the same again.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 11:06

He's a pretty shit partner who doesn't step up when she is poorly.
This should be done automatically.
Who is he going to get to look after their children if she needs bed rest and is really really poorly.

Aerial2020 · 25/09/2020 11:08

@Camobag

Ivfbeen - I agree which is why in my first post I say i expect most of it to fall on me. It’s just right now, having not slept for two nights, I could use some help. Instead of which he’s finishing work at 3pm and going to play golf and he will play tomorrow as well.

However I will say it was NO different when I was working. Ergo if I had a job now I have to assume it would be the same again.

Yes that's the thing. Whether you work or not, sounds like most of it would fall to you anyway. That's not a partnership. Stop doing it. Tell him you're going out for golf, whatever you like doing.
ZolaGrey · 25/09/2020 11:21

@ivfbeenbusy

I don't see how he can be labelled a lazy good for nothing when he's working and OP is a STAHP whose younger child is in some form of childcare half the day and so could feasibly work part time???
Oh yes of course, what job are you suggesting that is only two hours 9.30-11.30 Monday to Friday and only in term time?
BewilderedDoughnut · 25/09/2020 11:24

Women need to stop having kids with useless men. You've made a rod for your own back here.

Anordinarymum · 25/09/2020 11:27

@Camobag

Ivfbeen - I agree which is why in my first post I say i expect most of it to fall on me. It’s just right now, having not slept for two nights, I could use some help. Instead of which he’s finishing work at 3pm and going to play golf and he will play tomorrow as well.

However I will say it was NO different when I was working. Ergo if I had a job now I have to assume it would be the same again.

OP you do have a job. You don't get to clock off like he does ! He needs to realise this and it's up to you to show him you are a partnership.

You are not his mother

Anordinarymum · 25/09/2020 11:28

@thedancingbear

Most men are happy to allow their other half to do everything

Eh? he works, she doesn't. he's the sole breadwinner. How is she doing 'everything'?

Are you a man
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 25/09/2020 11:33

He needs to step up. You’re not the house slave because you are a SAHM.... no no just no.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 25/09/2020 12:16

Be vocal about what you need. You are ill, you haven’t had any sleep. He needs to not fuck off to golf at 3pm and let you rest. Tell him.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page