Everything is great apart from sex life!

Lavenderwoods · 2020-09-24T20:20:39+00:00

I've been with my boyfriend for five years now and over the last year our sex life has become.... just life... No sex. For the first two years of our relationship we had a good sex life and after that it started becoming less and less. We haven't had sex for six months now, but we didn't much before that. I have spoke to him about this and he's made a few excuses over the years, he insists it's not me, he fancies me etc. I've got to a point where I have given up trying to talk because I don't want to put pressure on him and it's become awkward. He's a great person, and he's loving in other ways... he's not perfect but no one is. We run our house and live together well, he makes me happy, I can trust him completely, he's there for me when I need him most and he does make effort to make me happy. He kisses me and cuddles me, he's loved by all my family, I fancy him, I feel like I am my best self and he's supportive .... but!! I'm at a stage in my life where I'm thinking about marriage etc, and I always wonder if it's normal to be with someone who is lovely but is essentially just my best friend... It gets me down. Is the grass greener? Am I selfish? We might split and I could have different issues with someone new that are worse! Please someone just tell me what the right thing to do is!

Ohalrightthen · 24/09/2020 21:26

Are you having as much sex as you want? Has he told you why he doesn't want sex? If his answer is "i dunno", is he willing to see a GP/counsellor and work out the issue? Would you be happy only having this much sex (or more likely even less) for the rest of your life?

If the answer to any of the above is no, I'd be having a very frank conversation with him about where the relationship is heading. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, he absolutely shouldn't have to. But he shouldn't expect you to be OK with that - it's a good enough reason to leave.

WindowsSmindows · 24/09/2020 21:31

Don't dare marry someone you are in a platonic relationship with.
That's what you have here, a good friend, but not a lover.
If he won't discuss, leave him.

peach1234 · 24/09/2020 21:32

I was you about 3 years ago and I chose to stay and get married and we had a baby, I ignored the warning signs and now we haven't had sex since we conceived our 2 year old son... things only go down hill with time, you get more comfortable and the stresses of life get to you especially if you have children... it gets me down a lot and has killed my self esteem. I wish I had walked away when I was first concerned about this problem...

JoanFromNo42 · 24/09/2020 21:37

Name changed for this.

I have no advice but I just want to say I’m in the exact same position as you OP. My DP makes me insanely happy, we get on great, never stop laughing, never argue, hug, kiss, he tells me he loves me/how lucky he is all the time, get on great with eachothers family, he’s my absolute rock, I fancy the pants off him, he’s truly my best friend and I adore him... but we don’t have sex.

The last time we had proper sex was June. JUNE. We actually had it 3 times since but all 3 times he’s just kind of stopped or tailed off and he’s said he’s too tired which is obviously mortifying for me. I’ve tried to talk to him
About it a few times, the first time I got really upset and he said oh I didn’t know you felt like that let’s have sex now (pity sex I suppose), and the second and third time he’s said he’s tired, he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t realise it’s been so long, he’ll try harder etc. We went to a romantic 3 night break last month and didn’t have sex once. It’s so hurtful and confusing, and just builds resentment. I have absolutely no idea what to do as he is perfect and I could end it (which would
Absolutely kill me) and then go on to never meet someone or someone who’s horrible. I was with my ex for 8 years and he treated me like crap and it took me all them years to leave but here I am with a perfect man and yet I’m seriously wondering how I can live my life like this. Genuinely right now I can’t imagine us ever having sex again.

So yeah, sorry to pour my heart out there but I just want you to know you’re not alone and I totally understand how hard it is

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2020 21:40

End the relationship. Please trust all of us on this. You feel bad now, you will be shattered by this lack of intimacy in the years to come. He may be a good man, but he is not the one for you.

yearinyearout · 24/09/2020 21:55

Don't stay in a platonic relationship. He won't change and you'll always be dissatisfied.

widespreadpanic · 24/09/2020 22:51

I have a low drive so someone like your husband would be perfect for ME. But you want more sex and he doesn’t seem bothered for it.

I promise you this won’t change after you’re married. What you see now is what you will get later and it might get even worse.

Unless he has a medical condition do not marry him, you will be setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

GRain5 · 24/09/2020 23:18

In most cases it just gets worse too. I married someone like this and it didn’t get better. We divorced.

Scorpiowoman80 · 25/09/2020 01:32

This obviously isn’t healthy or making you happy, have you considered maybe he’s watching too much porn? Or maybe he has a problem down there which he is too embarrassed to tell you about? Honestly it’ll probably only get worse, my DP and have sex around 2-3 times a week now but a couple of months ago that changed to maybe once a month (I suspected cheating with a colleague). Sorry OP you mustn’t live without a sex life it just isn’t fair.

HappyDays10101 · 25/09/2020 02:39

he fancies me

Doe he get an erection around you? That's how I judge if someone fancies me, not by what they say.

Isadora2007 · 25/09/2020 03:19

Talk about it. Sex can be an important part of a healthy and loving relationship. I’d describe the ideal relationship as a triangle made up of intimacy, commitment and passion. Two out of three is good but all three gives the stability and holy grail... but you need to talk about it.

Monty27 · 25/09/2020 04:24

I wouldn't sign up to a life without intimacy.
How old are you both OP?

Original poster

Lavenderwoods · 25/09/2020 07:30

@JoanFromNo42

Name changed for this.

I have no advice but I just want to say I’m in the exact same position as you OP. My DP makes me insanely happy, we get on great, never stop laughing, never argue, hug, kiss, he tells me he loves me/how lucky he is all the time, get on great with eachothers family, he’s my absolute rock, I fancy the pants off him, he’s truly my best friend and I adore him... but we don’t have sex.

The last time we had proper sex was June. JUNE. We actually had it 3 times since but all 3 times he’s just kind of stopped or tailed off and he’s said he’s too tired which is obviously mortifying for me. I’ve tried to talk to him
About it a few times, the first time I got really upset and he said oh I didn’t know you felt like that let’s have sex now (pity sex I suppose), and the second and third time he’s said he’s tired, he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t realise it’s been so long, he’ll try harder etc. We went to a romantic 3 night break last month and didn’t have sex once. It’s so hurtful and confusing, and just builds resentment. I have absolutely no idea what to do as he is perfect and I could end it (which would
Absolutely kill me) and then go on to never meet someone or someone who’s horrible. I was with my ex for 8 years and he treated me like crap and it took me all them years to leave but here I am with a perfect man and yet I’m seriously wondering how I can live my life like this. Genuinely right now I can’t imagine us ever having sex again.

So yeah, sorry to pour my heart out there but I just want you to know you’re not alone and I totally understand how hard it is

Ahh, this pulled at my heart strings because I am in exactly the same boat and feel the same way!

My ex did not treat me as well, and I didn't realise until I met my boyfriend now who i know loves me for who I am.

What the absolutely most difficult thing is that I love him too.

In answer to other questions...

I'm 27 years old...

I don't think he watches porn that much to be honest, when we have discussed our sex life I have asked and I think he masturbates every now and then...

I can genuinely say I think he completely loves me too but he's just too lazy or I don't know what it is, I guess we don't match as I have friends who don't want sex with their boyfriends!

Not long ago I gave him an ultimatum and said I don't think I can carry on in a relationship without sex, I suggested counselling which he said no to and said we will have to see how it goes but if it doesn't get better we will have to split up, since then we have had sex once and that was around the time I talked to him about it.

I feel like now it's the elephant in the room.

And if I try to talk about sex he's annoyed and doesn't want to so I try not to now as I can't imagine how it must feel to have someone trying to make you do something you don't want to

OP posts:

altiara · 25/09/2020 07:54

Ah OP, if you’ve given an ultimatum, you need to follow through and show you mean it.
I do think you should end it instead of getting married as you would be signing up for a life of no sex and that’s not what you want. The sooner you end it, the sooner you’re on your path to getting the life you want to have.

Isadora2007 · 25/09/2020 07:59

if I try to talk about sex he's annoyed and doesn't want to so I try not to now as I can't imagine how it must feel to have someone trying to make you do something you don't want to

But @Lavenderwoods he is making you live a celibate life with someone you love? Talking about sex is not the same as making someone have sex with you or even pressurising them to have sex. It’s like discussing a holiday location- or Discussing going on holiday... you are allowed to have a preference and verbalise that without it being a pressure for the other person to do so. But it’s an important part of a relationship and if your other half doesn’t agree then I don’t see how your relationship can work out without destroying your confidence.

5pForAPlasticBag · 25/09/2020 13:59

People always seem to advise “sitting down and having a talk” in situations like this. “Communication is key” they all say. What they overlook is that nothing infuses sex with negativity quite like putting it under the microscope. Think about the best, most natural, most freeing sexual experiences you’ve had. Did any of them immediately follow a pained conversation about your current negative feelings towards sex, or a series of counselling sessions where you pour your hurt out to a total stranger? I’m guessing not.

I don’t have an answer for you. Too often though we sweep problems under the carpet for too long and it reaches a point where it can’t be addressed. The ability to maintain sexual interest and motivation in a LTR is a quality that not everyone has and if they don’t have it, frankly they are not marriage material as far as many people are concerned and we would all do well to realise that.

A wise man once said: when you find yourself in a sinking boat it is often the better policy to switch vessels than try to plug holes.

Catsarelush · 25/09/2020 14:03

Do you want children? Does he? How is that going to work?

Original poster

Lavenderwoods · 25/09/2020 14:54

Yes he wants children more than I do right now...

He insists he does want to have sex with me too whenever we have discussed it... so it's a little confusing to be honest.

OP posts:

GreyishDays · 25/09/2020 14:58

When you say he kisses you, do you mean a peck or a snog?

Original poster

Lavenderwoods · 25/09/2020 15:36

We never "snog" unless I instigate it... he kisses me hello and good bye, he will kiss me on the forehead if he feels like it

OP posts:

nicecoffeecup · 25/09/2020 15:57

Aghh that's a difficult situation, and one likely to get worse unless you or he make big major effort to change behavior.

It's different for different people, for me in a loving relationship it's always been easy-ish/OK to have sex even when I don't really. fancy it (and I don't mean just like back and think of England). I know what my DH likes/wants, I know how to satisfy him, I like to satisfy him, I'm a giver! I'll make an effort for the 10-20 mins it takes. He deserves it :)

Don't ignore the issue and silently hope it will get better, it won't.

PeaPeaEeByGum · 25/09/2020 17:29

It’s been five years since I had sex with DH. I’ve never been given an explanation. We are getting divorced

BeanieB2020 · 25/09/2020 18:24

It depends on how important sex is to you. Is it worth leaving someone for? I'm single because I don't particular enjoy or value sex and haven't found anyone yet who is on the same page with that. A few times a year would be perfect for me, but most people seem to want more. I do think it's sad if this is the only thing wrong with the relationship that you might leave someone you love because of his low sex drive, but I'm biased I guess.

Anothernick · 25/09/2020 18:24

Sex is the glue in an LTR, it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart. I've been with my DW 30 years and I don't think I'd be saying that if it wasn't for a strong and continuing sexual attraction. It's hard to be angry or resentful of someone when you're lying there in the afterglow. If you are at all unsure of your sexual compatibility then you should not commit to him.

Rgy3250999 · 25/09/2020 18:37

Exactly the same situation here. When I hear friends and colleagues talk about their spouse, there is always a niggle. Some don’t help at all at home and they’re run ragged, some don’t do anything to help with kids and see it as a woman’s job, some have hobbies that completely take over. There are ones that don’t want sex, some that want too just sex that they pester and even worse, there’s those that lie and cheat. I wonder how many people meet someone that is perfect and makes them happy in all ways?

It’s only this that has kept me with my DH (and not wanting to break up my family). I get on well with DH, he’s a brilliant father, a great help with household chores and childcare, he’s honest, kind and would literally lay down his life for all of us. He just isn’t passionate and as a result, we don’t have sex very often and it isn’t very exciting.

I think it’s ok to tell you to leave because we should all be happy, but is it possibly to get it all or do we just find someone with different issues? If your partner was passionate and adventurous, but he told lies or he spent most of his spare time on an Xbox or golfing, would this be better?

When I look at past generations, they had long lives together, they had companionship and a life partner but they probably had to make compromises and had things that niggled at them. Sorry, not an answer but food for thought.