Everything is great apart from sex life!

[Lavenderwoods]

I've been with my boyfriend for five years now and over the last year our sex life has become.... just life... No sex.

For the first two years of our relationship we had a good sex life and after that it started becoming less and less. We haven't had sex for six months now, but we didn't much before that.

I have spoke to him about this and he's made a few excuses over the years, he insists it's not me, he fancies me etc. I've got to a point where I have given up trying to talk because I don't want to put pressure on him and it's become awkward.

He's a great person, and he's loving in other ways... he's not perfect but no one is. We run our house and live together well, he makes me happy, I can trust him completely, he's there for me when I need him most and he does make effort to make me happy. He kisses me and cuddles me, he's loved by all my family, I fancy him, I feel like I am my best self and he's supportive .... but!!

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm thinking about marriage etc, and I always wonder if it's normal to be with someone who is lovely but is essentially just my best friend... It gets me down.

Is the grass greener?
Am I selfish?
We might split and I could have different issues with someone new that are worse!

Please someone just tell me what the right thing to do is!

[EarthSight]

@ToastedEnglishMuffin

He says the right things most of the time but his actions say otherwise

Exactly. He says he wants to 'work it out' but won't go to the GP, won't get counselling etc. How will he work it out? Magic?

I wished I had the valuable and obvious lesson sooner of 'No matter how nice you think someone is, listen to what they do, not what they say'.

[EarthSight]

@Lavenderwoods

We never "snog" unless I instigate it... he kisses me hello and good bye, he will kiss me on the forehead if he feels like it

Oh dear.

You know what I learn the hard way in my relationship? Stop taking what your partner tells you as the gospel truth. Accept that people will and can lie, even your partner. Listen to someone's actions not just what someone tells you.

I don't have the highest sex drive in the world but I like flirting and playing with my partner. It doesn't always lead to sex but it's sexual behaviour.

I think your partner just doesn't fancy you anymore, has a weird fetish he's not telling you about or he has hormone/depression issues. His sex drive might be driven by novelty & excitement. Now he's in a stable relationship, he's obviously no longer interested.....until some other woman might come along and lighten that spark in him again.

What you need to ask yourself is 'Am I willing to live with that for the rest of my life?'. It's a big sacrifice. It's a terrible position to leave because of something like this, but that's because you are only seeing it through the lens of your present self. 10 years down the line, where things might have taken a real nose dive, you might really regret not leaving sooner!

[DarkmilkAddict]

I think it’ll cast a shadow over all the good aspects of the relationship. At your age I’d advise you to take the plunge and find someone else. Really feel for you though

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I think issues can come in at certain stages of life. Very young children, menopause, stress and illness all play their part. I don't think the COVID worry is helping everyone at the moment either.

But in your 20s with few of those issues, it isn't really normal not to be having a fulfilling sex life, I wouldn't have thought.

[Lex345]

I really feel for you OP, if you get on so well and everything else seems almost perfect, but sexual intimacy is an important part of a relationship. It doesn't matter how often, really-every relationship is different, but it needs to be often enough for both of you-even if that means compromising for slightly mismatched sex drives. It doesn't necessarily need to be penetrative sex either, but it sounds from what you have described, the affection he shows you is very platonic in nature.
You are still young and have no children-this is usually the part where you are the most sexually active, I cannot see this getting better on its own with marriage and children.
He needs to be honest with you and have an open, non judgemental talk about it. If he has always felt like this, he might just not be that sexual-and that is OK-but you are and this is important to you, you will need to accept you will not have this with him.
If it is a newer issue, it would be worth him going to the GP to rule out physical issues or consider any psychological reasons.
If he will not engage in conversation then that in itself is a bigger deal breaker for the future than the lack of sex.

[ToastedEnglishMuffin]

He says the right things most of the time but his actions say otherwise

Exactly. He says he wants to 'work it out' but won't go to the GP, won't get counselling etc. How will he work it out? Magic?

[Anothernick]

@Lavenderwoods

I guess sex is important to me. I know it's not everything and there's more to relationships etc. but I always find myself going back to wondering if we are right for each other based on the fact we don't have much intimacy at all and it's not something I want to speak to other people about as I wouldn't want to disrespect him in that way...

I've tried to talk to him today about it after it was playing on my mind and he got upset with me saying I had ruined his day completely, but he does want to work it out. He says the right things most of the time but his actions say otherwise

He won't be intimate with you, he won't talk about it and if you raise it it ruins his day. I do not see how you could build a stable LTR with this man. All LTRs hit problems, the ability to communicate and discuss them is fundamental. Sex is an important part of most people's lives, you need to be able to discuss it with your DP just as you discuss other aspects of your relationship, money, holidays, kids etc etc.

[WizardOfAus]

I would be digging through his browser history to see how much porn he’s actually watching. Bet it’s every day.

[widespreadpanic]

If sex is important to you then you know what you need to do. You really can't change someone's sex drive. If you talk to him about it he may change for a little while but go back to his "normal". So you will be unhappy again.

The lack of passion would also be a reason that I would leave as I need passion sometimes in order to feel connected with and excited about someone.

You've talked to him multiple times and all he can give you is words and no action. It will only get worse as you are young and soon you'll find yourself in a dead bedroom.

[PerfidiousAlbion]

He’s already blaming you for his shortcomings.

[PerfidiousAlbion]

What he wants is the convenience of a cozy domestic set up and someone to look after his future children.

His sexual interest lies elsewhere.

Leave.

[Lavenderwoods]

I guess sex is important to me. I know it's not everything and there's more to relationships etc. but I always find myself going back to wondering if we are right for each other based on the fact we don't have much intimacy at all and it's not something I want to speak to other people about as I wouldn't want to disrespect him in that way...

I've tried to talk to him today about it after it was playing on my mind and he got upset with me saying I had ruined his day completely, but he does want to work it out. He says the right things most of the time but his actions say otherwise

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Could you talk to him about opening your relationship so you can have your needs met elsewhere. I suspect he’ll say no, but you never know!

[GaraMedouar]

Because of your age - 27 , so young, not yet married , no kids - I’d definitely advise to split. I stayed with my exh too long, similar situation to you , tried to talk about it, he never wanted to, would begrudgingly have sex every few months after one of our chats , he’d say he enjoyed it and we must make an effort more often but then the same thing would happen again . Had 2 DC. I found finally that he was phoning some sort of sex lines, he admitted to this but wouldn’t explain or open up at all. Ended up in an extremely acrimonious divorce, court battles (as he refused to speak to me at all) - just awful.
You are so young , really you are, your self esteem will hit rock bottom and you will become more and more resentful.

[Mellonsprite]

Do not settle for a platonic relationship at 27.

[Rgy3250999]

Exactly the same situation here. When I hear friends and colleagues talk about their spouse, there is always a niggle. Some don’t help at all at home and they’re run ragged, some don’t do anything to help with kids and see it as a woman’s job, some have hobbies that completely take over. There are ones that don’t want sex, some that want too just sex that they pester and even worse, there’s those that lie and cheat. I wonder how many people meet someone that is perfect and makes them happy in all ways?

It’s only this that has kept me with my DH (and not wanting to break up my family). I get on well with DH, he’s a brilliant father, a great help with household chores and childcare, he’s honest, kind and would literally lay down his life for all of us. He just isn’t passionate and as a result, we don’t have sex very often and it isn’t very exciting.

I think it’s ok to tell you to leave because we should all be happy, but is it possibly to get it all or do we just find someone with different issues? If your partner was passionate and adventurous, but he told lies or he spent most of his spare time on an Xbox or golfing, would this be better?

When I look at past generations, they had long lives together, they had companionship and a life partner but they probably had to make compromises and had things that niggled at them. Sorry, not an answer but food for thought.

[Anothernick]

Sex is the glue in an LTR, it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart. I've been with my DW 30 years and I don't think I'd be saying that if it wasn't for a strong and continuing sexual attraction. It's hard to be angry or resentful of someone when you're lying there in the afterglow. If you are at all unsure of your sexual compatibility then you should not commit to him.

[BeanieB2020]

It depends on how important sex is to you. Is it worth leaving someone for? I'm single because I don't particular enjoy or value sex and haven't found anyone yet who is on the same page with that. A few times a year would be perfect for me, but most people seem to want more. I do think it's sad if this is the only thing wrong with the relationship that you might leave someone you love because of his low sex drive, but I'm biased I guess.

[PeaPeaEeByGum]

It’s been five years since I had sex with DH. I’ve never been given an explanation. We are getting divorced

[nicecoffeecup]

Aghh that's a difficult situation, and one likely to get worse unless you or he make big major effort to change behavior.

It's different for different people, for me in a loving relationship it's always been easy-ish/OK to have sex even when I don't really. fancy it (and I don't mean just like back and think of England). I know what my DH likes/wants, I know how to satisfy him, I like to satisfy him, I'm a giver! I'll make an effort for the 10-20 mins it takes. He deserves it :)

Don't ignore the issue and silently hope it will get better, it won't.

[Lavenderwoods]

We never "snog" unless I instigate it... he kisses me hello and good bye, he will kiss me on the forehead if he feels like it

[GreyishDays]

When you say he kisses you, do you mean a peck or a snog?

[Lavenderwoods]

Yes he wants children more than I do right now...

He insists he does want to have sex with me too whenever we have discussed it... so it's a little confusing to be honest.

[Catsarelush]

Do you want children? Does he? How is that going to work?

[5pForAPlasticBag]

People always seem to advise “sitting down and having a talk” in situations like this. “Communication is key” they all say. What they overlook is that nothing infuses sex with negativity quite like putting it under the microscope. Think about the best, most natural, most freeing sexual experiences you’ve had. Did any of them immediately follow a pained conversation about your current negative feelings towards sex, or a series of counselling sessions where you pour your hurt out to a total stranger? I’m guessing not.

I don’t have an answer for you. Too often though we sweep problems under the carpet for too long and it reaches a point where it can’t be addressed. The ability to maintain sexual interest and motivation in a LTR is a quality that not everyone has and if they don’t have it, frankly they are not marriage material as far as many people are concerned and we would all do well to realise that.

A wise man once said: when you find yourself in a sinking boat it is often the better policy to switch vessels than try to plug holes.