To want to give custody to OH

[Unhappyxo]

My OH has just upped and gone on holiday with his friend with minimal notice.
I was diagnosed with a neurological condition approx 4 years ago around this time OH left me and me and DD. He asked to reconcile but I don't trust him to be there for me he's fiancially abusive. I want to be financially independent and leave him DD is now 7 and although easier to look after I'm doing a masters degree in nursing previously to this I was earning minimum wage working full time . I have little family support as my parents are still working.
Ive been really struggling to parent DD and do my course while coping with my neurological condition this week while he's sodded off abroad. I slept through my alarm and DD got into school late. Previous to this he worked away Mon to Fri before lock down I feel like I've had enough I'm always going to be trapped in poverty on minimum wage if I don't finish it. But it feels like OH is sabotaging me and won't just step up and help.
I feel like I want to give OH custody or I'm always going to be trapped on minimum wage.
I love my DD so much but I feel like I can't single parent her and complete my course.
I want us to be financially secure without OH 😞

There is always a way out and what you are proposing is not it. Do not ever give him full custody!. That will really mess her up going forward into adulthood; he will then be her blueprint for men. She is being abused here as well because he is abusing you as her mother. Infact going forward he will probably not bother with her at all and he is not bothered about her now so she needs to stay with you.

Financial abuse is present here and I would also think he abuses you in other ways as well (financially abusive men are often not solely financially abusive); this affects her too.

Please reach out to both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women; make the full use of the time he has gone off here productively. It would also be an idea to speak to your course administrators to see if you can get more support that way too.

Doesnt sound like either of her parents want your poor daughter

@RaspberryHartleys

Doesnt sound like either of her parents want your poor daughter

On the contrary, I think the OP is doing her very best to provide a good life for her daughter, and I think that was a very insensitive comment on your part - it made me angry to read it, because it's not helpful in any way and will only make the OP feel worse. Why post such a nasty thing?

OP, I think you know that what you really need is support to continue to care for your daughter yourself. I'm afraid I have no suggestions (not being a parent myself), but I was so incensed by the insensitivity of the poster above that I felt I had to at least offer you a bit of support and understanding. I hope you find a solution.

@in try to come at it from the PoV of a 7 YO who is being rejected by her DF by the sounds of things and whose DM wants to give full custody to the man who is financially abusive and disappears on holidays without any notice.

While I agree, furthering a career will help the DD in the long run, I would not risk my DC to the damage that may be inflicted by being saddled with a main caregiver who doesnt care and is abusive.

What would a Court consider best for the DC here? From the limited info we have, it doesnt appear either parent has the DC's immediate needs in mind.

Please don't do that . Please .
Your little girl needs her mom far more than money or anything that financial security will bring .
I understand your plight . Get rid of him . ASAP . Just do it don't look back . Be strong here you sound like a decent woman doing your best coping with an illness , raising a child and putting yourself through a challenging career . Kudos to you !!👌🏻
Dump him and go to court set up access , court ordered access so you get a break and find after school facilities for your dd . Do not give him custody she needs her mother . You will be sorted in a few years and you'll have your best friend (dd) coming up beside you as a beautiful woman .
He's the weight around your neck here your not thinking clearly
Please find another way xx

@RaspberryHartleys

Doesnt sound like either of her parents want your poor daughter

That's a great help, for gods sake. Can you not see how desperate and low the OP is?

@AryaStarkWolf I'm trying to think of it from the point of view of the DC. I'm not trying to be nasty, but leaving your DC with a financially (and potentially emotionally by the sounds of it) man is not in the best interests of that DC

Have you applied for/got PIP? It isn't dependent on income, so you can work and get it. It'll mean you could get someone in to help for a few hours or something.

Can’t you do your masters part time? Take the pressure off. Or ask uni about childcare support?

Could your parents help some weekends?

The poor child

A selfish self absorbed and abusive father

A mother willing to hide full custody to him

Give

Do you have friends who could help out or can you approach the uni and explain the situation to see if there is any assistance available to you. I completely understand about wanting to be financially secure and completing your studies is the way to do this. How much longer do you have? I did a degree and 5 years after finishing it, I now earn 4 times what I did before. It was so hard to get it done, but it is so worth it.

[quote RaspberryHartleys]@AryaStarkWolf I'm trying to think of it from the point of view of the DC. I'm not trying to be nasty, but leaving your DC with a financially (and potentially emotionally by the sounds of it) man is not in the best interests of that DC[/quote]
But wouldn't it be more helpful to try and suggest alternatives and ways the OP could get help rather than trying to make her feel even more shitty and low than she already is?

I've done a child maintenance calculator and it's £1000 a month , if he pays hopefully it would pay for the cost of a wrap around nanny.
I love my DD just just he's crushed my soul I desperately want to be free from him and financially independent.
It's only for 2 years it's the studying 5 days a week and placements when I finish I will compress my hours.

And please ignore the unhelpful people posting, I can see you are trying to do what you think is best for your daughter
it is good for children to see parents studying and working hard to better themselves. She needs to be with you 🥰

I'm not a parent either but suggest maybe you wait a few years until your dd is in her teens and can at least fend for herself at home if you are working?

Two years is perfect, it will go so quickly! Have you listened to Dave Ramsey before? Look him up on podcasts! Invest in yourself now and you will create the most wonderful future for both you and your daughter.

I can't wait any longer, DD knows about my condition we go to bed at the same time around 8pm cause of my condition she's been waiting until I fall asleep because I sleep very deeply to get her iPad or watch tv then won't get up in the morning to go to school. I'm going to have to hide the iPad and put a pin on the TV .

I personally wouldn't give up custody of my child for a university course with a potential financially rewarding career at the end of it. I'd rather be on benefits.

@AryaStarkWolf except, the OP didn't ask for alternatives did she? She asked if she should give custody to her abusive DP. The answer to that is a resounding no

[quote RaspberryHartleys]@AryaStarkWolf except, the OP didn't ask for alternatives did she? She asked if she should give custody to her abusive DP. The answer to that is a resounding no[/quote]
Exactly

It sounds like you're struggling, which is understandable given all you have going on, but this doesn't sound like a solution that's fair on your or your DD. She shouldn't be forced to live with someone you describe like that, but also, it isn't just a case of hanging over custody and then having it back when you please, plus he might not want her, as awful as this sounds. Are you going into nursing after? Although being a student is hard as you have assignments as well as placement etc, it's challenging being a nurse, and I don't think these problems are going to dissapear once you qualify. You need to maybe think about what's sustainable for you all.

I spoke too soon I just feel exhausted with it all. I love my DD and in 7 years ive mostly parented her alone with a health condition.

I just want him to take some responsibility for his DC he gets to swan around have a good career go on expensive holidays while I feel like I'm trapped.

I was working in health care I was working 3x shifts with parents help I was fine working in my job because I had 4 days to recover that's my plan when I qualify to do bank shifts . But because the course is 5x a week they can't help with child care all the time.