To want to give custody to OH

[Unhappyxo]

My OH has just upped and gone on holiday with his friend with minimal notice.
I was diagnosed with a neurological condition approx 4 years ago around this time OH left me and me and DD. He asked to reconcile but I don't trust him to be there for me he's fiancially abusive. I want to be financially independent and leave him DD is now 7 and although easier to look after I'm doing a masters degree in nursing previously to this I was earning minimum wage working full time . I have little family support as my parents are still working.
Ive been really struggling to parent DD and do my course while coping with my neurological condition this week while he's sodded off abroad. I slept through my alarm and DD got into school late. Previous to this he worked away Mon to Fri before lock down I feel like I've had enough I'm always going to be trapped in poverty on minimum wage if I don't finish it. But it feels like OH is sabotaging me and won't just step up and help.
I feel like I want to give OH custody or I'm always going to be trapped on minimum wage.
I love my DD so much but I feel like I can't single parent her and complete my course.
I want us to be financially secure without OH 😞

@Unhappyxo

I spoke too soon I just feel exhausted with it all. I love my DD and in 7 years ive mostly parented her alone with a health condition.

I just want him to take some responsibility for his DC he gets to swan around have a good career go on expensive holidays while I feel like I'm trapped.

You poor thing, you can figure this out, it is unfair, totally unfair and it's almost always the woman who ends up in this position

Hang in there OP. Once you qualify it'll be much much easier.

You can’t even seem to look after yourself let alone your daughter so how the heck do you think your going to do a nursing job 😐

Put in a single benefits claim and save to move out. Should take you a few months.

He's not going to step up and take responsibility. Unfair but you need to be realistic. So it's a case of getting yourself out from the burden he puts on you. I agree with @AryaStarkWolf that benefits would be better than continuing like this. You will be in a better position later to study and improve your career but leaving him should happen sooner rather than later. You said the course is 2 years - have you just started? You can't go on like this for 2 years. Make the move and look at doing it part time or finding some other kind of help.

I don't think you mean to say to give him full custody do you? Because if you are, please don't :( you're daughter loves you and you're her world. I get you want to better yours and hers life but she will see it as you're giving her away. Can your ex not do 50/50 joint custody with you?

You could also speak to the council and see if you might be eligible to get some assistants to come in to help with stuff. Applying for/being on PIP will support your application for this.

If you can get CM to cover a wraparound nanny that's pretty good.

There are some absolutely horrible posts on here. Horrible. Dont pay any attention OP. You are doing brilliantly and you are on your way to getting the hell out of there with your daughter and making a good life for the pair of you. Just hang on.

Are you receiving any student allowances in recognition of your disability? Or childcare help through the Student Loans Co or from NHS?

And sometimes you are so ground down that you just feel like handing over control and walking the eff away. People who have not experienced abuse combined with the double whammy of a disability/health condition just wont get it

Re the sleeping and sneaking off for IPad/TV, locks should work or failing that maybe the school could have a word with your DD and explain they have noticed she is looking tired, how important it is to get enough sleep etc...

Ignore the unhelpful and judgmental posts OP.

You are clearly a good mother and a damn site better parent than he is.

Not to downplay how you feel, but I don't think given the chance you would really want to give him custody. Not really.

You're exhausted and juggling everything by yourself so I can understand why, in a moment of despair, you might say something like that.

Claim the child maintenance. Use that to pay for childcare.

I've done a child maintenance calculator and it's £1000 a month

I’m not a single mum so may be way off base here, but that sounds like a huge amount. Has anybody ever had such an amount, willingly given from their children’s father?

How much maintenance would you have to pay to him?

If you are struggling, isn’t it better to approach SS for help than to send her to her father who obviously isn’t interested?

I think you would be very lucky to get £1000 maintenance I don’t know anybody who gets anywhere near that amount. If he’s unable to help now, how would he have sole custody of her? It’s normal to feel tired but this seems like a terrible idea. Sadly, it does usually fall on the
Mother! I’ve always had to squeeze my hours between the school run in the week and do long days at the weekend to make up for it, because there’s nobody to help with the school run, while dads get to work away/long hours with no worries. It is very frustrating but giving her to him will be so confusing for her. Will you be ok in this job with your condition if it’s making you sleep in And late etc (I don’t mean that in a rude way) I just mean there is financial help out there for people with conditions if it is affecting their day to day life (eg not being able
To work due). Can you switch it up in the week so maybe parents get her 2 days, dad gets her one day, you get her one day then after school club the next? So it doesn’t feel so much like it is all always you! Hang in there

I don’t think you should be hanging your hopes on finishing your degree, getting a well paid job and finally having enough money to leave him. You will have to put up with his abuse for years until you can afford to leave. Just leave him now.

I know women who have done this and it worked out, although in some cases the child was taken in by the grandparents and not the Dad. it's just to get through school. Didn't Bill Clinton's mother send him to her parents' house for a couple of years while she was in nursing school? You do what you gotta do.

I have one neighbor whose wife left him and their two small children when she was diagnosed with MS. She knew her limits. The children are young adults now and doing fine.

Does your OH have any interest in taking custody or does he know you want to separate?

@Mother2princess

You can’t even seem to look after yourself let alone your daughter so how the heck do you think your going to do a nursing job 😐

Mother2princess I have worked as a HCA ward based for 3 years I am good at my job but I have to rest and recover more than the average person no one outside of occupational health and line manager knows I have this condition it does not effect my work . I'm doing mental health nursing by the way I did do shift work and I got to rest 4 days a week, 2 of those days normally or 3 DD is in school so it's no issue. I keep my house clean and tidy cook meals the only problem I've had is I overslept today because I'm in 5 days a week and looking after DD at weekends as well which means I'm not recently getting the rest I need/used to getting. I'm going to speak to my Neurologist about getting my medications increased, I've also purchased an alarm clock for DD which will wake her as a back up if mine doesn't go off. I've also spoken to the disability and inclusion team at my university.

They are great steps that you have taken.
My youngest is 15 and getting the devices out of their rooms at a young age is a great thing to do. An alarm clock is perfect 👍
I hope reaching out to the uni and your neurologist has helped.

Genuine question, you say you have a neurological condition and sleep very deeply from 8pm, I don’t understand how you are going to perform your chosen career (if it’s a nurse) but anyway.
Should you give custody to your OH so you can pursue nursing, absolutely not.
Why are you with him now and once you graduate and get a job are you leaving him... What will you do about childcare once you are qualified
Agree with rounded tail.