No breaks from the kids

[DownstairsMixUp]

Just want to start by saying I adore my kids, obviously, but I never get a break like ever.

My dad was killed in April 2020, my mum moved to wales (I live in southern England) my in laws are abusive alcoholics who we haven't seen in 3 years now... so we have no one.

We've got a 6 year old with autism and speech delay and a 11 year old. I can't remember the last time I had a break away from them like over night. I'd love nothing more to just have the odd overnight without them, but we have no help or anything. Obviously I know they are my kids and it's life. Missing my dad as he would take them for us and let us have a break. Suddenly hitting me that me and my husband won't ever get proper time alone for several years.

Anyone else on here completely alone bringing up kids? It's so hard.

If your dad would take them, could you not go to Wales to visit him and then leave them with him one night and you and your husband go out to dinner and stay in a hotel?

@RealMermaid her dad died!

OP that sounds really hard. Do you have any friends that would have them? Id help out a friend in your situation.

Do you have a friend or other relative they could stay with? I understand where you're coming from. I've only had 2 nights away from my DC since I've had them and my eldest is 13. I've got 3 DC and my DM only has one spare bed so even if they go for sleepovers it's usually all separately so I've always got 1 or 2 of them at home. It's so draining when you don't get a break isn't it? I hope you can find a solution

Us too , my mom passed at 49 she's been gone 7 years now dad has mental health issues can't mind himself 😒
In laws are very self centred and we have 5 kids 😂
Nope no help no break 😞it sucks doesnt it . I feel ya ..
Romance, ha that is only for the movies😂😂
No advice here but your not alone

You may not be able to time with your husband together alone, but surely he can provide you with down time.

Fwiw I don't get down time either. But I don't feel resentful in the way you appear to, as I see it as a blessing to have my lo, also with additional needs same age as your child, including asd. However, I do now, since lockdown occasionally sit in the garden for a cup of tea alone which is lush!

I had wrongly assumed from your opening post that you were a lone parent, but I see from your update that you are married.

You need to tell your dh that you need a break. He can take the reins for the weekend and you take yourself somewhere to properly rest. You can't pour from an empty cup.

It’s shit, I get more time alone than you as mum will have them every couple of weeks but it’s still a bloody slog when you are doing it all alone.

You do have a partner though? So even if it’s not together, one night a week you should each get a time out while the other is on duty.

Then once a month surely you could pay a babysitter, I know you say your DCC has additional needs. Could a “standard” babysitter cope??

It’s hard isn’t it. We have nights away with friends but not with each other as no-one can cope with our kids.

I’m considering teaming up with another family in the same position to swap babysitting. I find other parents of kids with additional needs are more understanding. Maybe you can start some friendships online through autism support groups now, with a view to making some closer friends in the next year or so?

Yep . I’m a single parent with no family support . One of my kids is autistic . He is with me 24/7 if not at school . He doesn’t see his dad.
I would love for someone else to get up and take him to school just once . Such a simple thing but it will never happen !
If you’re lucky enough to have a partner then you should ask for them to help .

I’m really sorry you lost your dad, that must be very hard.

I do think though that the amount of grandparent care he gave is quite unusual. DH and my parents are thankfully all healthy but have had our kids overnight maybe four nights total. I only know one family that gets regular overnights as a couple while grandparents have the DC. Most of us rely on babysitters and so can have evenings out but not overnights.

So what I’m saying is, turn it round and feel lucky that you had so much couple time up till now. I can see it all adds to missing your dad though.

Why does it need to be at night? Couldn't you and oh take a day off work together? That's 6 hours to do as you please.

Break from your your kids? I think I had one night away on business, and maybe one night away for an anniversary. But we had to pay my friends nanny to look after the kids. My in laws had no interest - never took the kids out even for an afternoon - and my parents babysat a few times when my kids were little but they were both in their 70s when my kids were born so never had them overnight or on their own during the day.
My sisters child is severely autistic and she pays one of her child's therapists to come babysit every once in a while as a normal babysitter wouldn't be acceptable to the child or be able to cope. She's a single mother with no partner (he hasn't seen the child after first year).

We have 5 DC and no one minds them. On the rare occasion that someone does it's only ever the older two (aged 10 and 8) who are no bother at all. In reality it's the younger three I need a break from (aged 3 and twin 1 year olds!!!)

It's expensive, but sometimes we will book the younger three into daycare for a half-day while older 2 are at school. DH gets one weekday off work per week and I'm a SAHM. Lovely to potter around, go for lunch etc.

OP, I'm sorry your dad died and that you don't have a good bond with your mum. Having a desire for some alone time, or time with just your husband is understandable.

Pay a sitter.

I think you need to ask your H if he can have them for a night and you go away - maybe on your own, maybe with a friend? Or if that's not possible, can he take them out for the day and leave you in the house alone? I think basically it's down to you and your H to give each other some time alone.

I sympathise - I have never had any help, but now I'm divorced, my H does take them occasionally and I do get time on my own. Most recently a week in the summer. That time was essential to help me recharge.

We tag team this.

DH works away a lot and when he’s home he has the kids and I get a break.

You’re looking at it the wrong way!

Book a night off with a friend.

Sorry about your Dad. It’s still very early days and you will still be grieving so some “ you time” is definitely a good idea.Hope you can sort something out OP, even if it’s just a few hours