No breaks from the kids

[DownstairsMixUp]

Just want to start by saying I adore my kids, obviously, but I never get a break like ever.

My dad was killed in April 2020, my mum moved to wales (I live in southern England) my in laws are abusive alcoholics who we haven't seen in 3 years now... so we have no one.

We've got a 6 year old with autism and speech delay and a 11 year old. I can't remember the last time I had a break away from them like over night. I'd love nothing more to just have the odd overnight without them, but we have no help or anything. Obviously I know they are my kids and it's life. Missing my dad as he would take them for us and let us have a break. Suddenly hitting me that me and my husband won't ever get proper time alone for several years.

Anyone else on here completely alone bringing up kids? It's so hard.

Look for a fully qualified nanny. Most of the ones I know also do evening babysitting.

It’s quite common for nannies to work long hours, so the few I know work 3 long days per week for a family, but take on additional babysitting as it’s more flexible.

Then build up to a night away. Start with evenings out,

If you are off at half term, book the kids into holiday club and you and DH have the day off to yourselves. We prefer daytime dates as neither of us is knackered!

I'm in the same boat OP. My DS is only 2 but my mother in law drinks a lot so I would never let my son stay over there over night as I wouldn't trust her not to drink too much in the evening whilst having him, she's fine in the day (not a day drinker) but can't resist at least a bottle of wine with dinner. My parents are more than useless and we don't speak since having zero interest or support from them when my son was born so I know we'll be the same in the future.
What about baby sitting agencies? Start using them for a few hours at a time and see if you can find someone you like that the kids can get to know a bit and eventually they could do an over night? A lot of agencies offer that? I guess you'd have to be comfortable with someone staying in your home but at least the kids would be at home and the babysitter would be reliable and you wouldn't feel guilty for asking as they're being paid?

I have 3DC, the eldest is 13 and DH and I have had one night away from them together since she was born. We have no family nearby, both DDad and FIL are dead and DM and MIL are over 20 years older than your DDad was.

Your DDad was a very involved GF and it's lovely that you and your DC had so much help from him when the DC were young (presumably you were a young mum from the age of your Dad). But now you are older and you will cope. Having no help from family is normal for lots of people and in my experience it's not something friends do a lot for each other, maybe for single small children but realistically no-one except family will look after a 6 and 11yo overnight so you and your DH can go away, you have to make do with a night out once every few months if you're lucky. It's hard for you right now because you are grieving for your father but you'll get used to it.

It's very tough with a child with ASD. But i would try and sort a local babysitter even to get out for sunday lunch or something. Overnight is tricky. A lot of us don't get that chance but if you had regular time together it would be a great start.

Sorry for your loss.

My parents are both dead, and my in laws are very particular, they don't like having our children over to stay often and if they do it's only a day or so.

What me and my DH do is grab those moments for a hotel stay overnight, but other times I'll go away on my own (love a good spa break!) or with my friends and my husband does the same.
I know it's not the same as being away together but you'll need to have an alternative if you can't get childcare

No advice OP but totally empathise. Lone parent here with very little help. Dad not on the scene. I'm exhausted. Oh how I long for a weekend away. Must be really hard. My sympathies!

If you feel a babysitter wouldn't be workable, and I get it, I know I couldn't leave my asd boys with most people, but a SN support worker might be an option if you can afford that? Not sure if they're called something different in the UK. A childcare worker or teachers assistant who works with SN kids might be another option. If you're part of any local IRL or fb/online groups for the parents of autistic kids they might be a good place to ask for recommendations.

I've got 4, one has ASD and it is hard. Maybe once every 3 months my mum will mind them for a few hours in the evening so we can go out together, but never overnight, not yet anyway. My DH's mum minding them is not an option. To be honest, I think what you describe is normal. I think it would be nice to have a night away here and there but realistically I've got 4 young kids so it's not going to happen. It's just life I'm afraid.