step families and major problems

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hi

bit long, so im sorry about that. Will try to keep it as short as i can.
My dad remarried a lady ( mrs x) who is 16 years his junior. he much older ( 26 years older) dh had recently died. she had two young children. she was very nice to me and my 3 other siblings. meeting us for cups of tea, phoning for a chat. just generally made an effort.
We all moved into togther. From that day things changed drastically. The day of the removal my sister and i walked 3 miles to her house to see what was going on. The phone had been cut off ( this was a while ago before any one had mobiles ) and we had been left at our house waiting. it was gone 3pm and we had been waiting all day. when we arrived she answered the door and said ' there is no room for you here' and shut the door in our faces. that set the tone for the next ten years. We have been ignore, snubbed and riducled. She was only nice once i annoucned i was getting married and would be moving out.

I moved back to the uk last summer. things have been terrible since. To the point of her whole family ignoring me. I was snubbed yesterday in a shop, i literally walked into Mrs X's Mum, i said hello and she turned and walked off. Noone of my dads real children are allowed in the house, we are not even allowed to call him when he is at home. I have spoken to my dad about this and he has said for the last 6 months that he is going to sort it once and for all. he actually hasnt done anything about it. I have said i would call mrs x and her family and have it out with them myself. I am not going to be treated like this. i am a grown woman with a child of my own ffs! he has asked me not to do this and to give him to the weekend to sort it out.
I feel sorry for my dad, he is old and should not be put in this position.
But i dont know what i can do? any advice?

i should also add that mrs x has admitted that she feels threatened by my siblings and i and likes to be in charge.

she is clearly an insecure person. she is extreamly judgemental and bitches about everyone even her best friends. she knows right everytime!
i have never been horrible to her even when she has shouted in my face. i have just left things as that is what my dad has asked. i have let many many things slide over the years just to keep the peace but im kind of fed up with it all.

( once when i lived at home she decided she wasnt going to talk to me. she and her 2 children did not talk to me for 3 months. i was not allowed to eat dinner with them, nor use the kitchen to cook my own meals. i iterally ate baked beans out of a can cold in my bedroom for 3 months. i was not allowed to use the washing machine, washing line or tumble drier either, as they were hers. and i had to pay house keeping. this was all punishment for a friend calling me on the land line past 9pm at night)

what did your Dad say/do about you not being allowed to eat etc? Sorry but he sounds spineless to let her abuse you in this way

he was hoping it would sort itself out.

my dads a bit ' ill stick my head in the sand and it will go away'

it was horrible and actually there have been worse things. but when we ( myself and 3 other siblings) mention them he claims to not know,or says we are taking things the wrong way.

he now says he can see the problems, and is going to sort it once and for all. tbh i dont believe this for a second and i want to make a stand myself, and for my siblings too as i am the oldest.

Also its my grandads 90th birhtday in a few weeks. an aunt, ( my dads sister ) is holding a family party at her house i have said i will not go, and i doubt siblings will either, and she had a go at me about it. i do feel bad for my grandad but what do i do?

I think you and your sibling should take your grandad out for a birthday meal/treat another time.

She sounds like a terrible woman and your Dad, forgive me, sounds pathetic to let her get away with this.

I don't think there's much chance she will ever change. But you can stand up to her and make a very public statement that you have had enough of her appalling behaviour. Might mean you don't see your Dad again though.

It's one thing for the set up to be difficult and it's another for your dad to allow you to be downright abused. He has to take some responsibility here. She is not in charge, no matter what she might think.

What does he say when you talk to him? If everyone allows her to carry on she will, well, do just that.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, it sounds awful.

see thats just the thing, this has actually been going on for 10 years. and i wish i was kidding about that.

my dad, bless him, he is pretty much useless. he says he will come a vist once anc week. but the thing is she doesnt even like him going on of the house on his own.

he doesnt see any of his 4 children apart from me. and noone of us are welcome at the house.

her two children however have been welcomed into the family, he takes them to footbal, acts as a taxi, does homework, decorate their rooms, buys presents etc...

he said he knows he shoudl have stopped this all ages ago. and he can see how bad we have been treated. i feel sorry for him. He said he thinks his marriage will end if he confronts her about this. She has actually said to be that my dad ( and her husband) is a silly little man.

i feel so bad about the whole thing but am not prepared to be treated like this any more. WHat can i do to help my dad? and if he does get her to appoligise to be about this latest incident what do i do?

go to your grandad's party. don't penalise him for your father's mistakes and your dsm's wierdness.

your dad isn't capable of dealing with the situation. he's probably afraid of her, afraid of being alone, he's paralysed. leave him out of the equation. your fight is with her.

as to how to deal with her, i'm totally at a loss. she sounds like a really mean piece of work.

thanks.
i totally understand my fight is with her. i want to sort it myself my my dad wont let me.

and the only people at the party with be basically my grandad, aunt and then the stepfamily. so there will be no escaping any of them and there will be such an atmosphere.

And when i have been so snubbed literally yesterday i dont know how i can face them.

But i need to get a grip, i have done nothing wrong, and i should stand up to them.

And yes she is a funny woman, ignorant and self riteous ( sorry cant spell tonight!)
she doesnt rate education, and thinks educated people are a waste of space. She has said women should only marry older men as they have all the money. Any woman who works and has children is neglectful ( so i dont go down well at all).... the list goes on and on.

i would actually like to tell her what i think of her, but i care about my dad too much. Which i guess is why i have allowed myself to be treated like this, as i didnt want to cause a problem for him.

So what would any of you do?

I really don't know what I would do. TBH I would probably explode and say I would never understand why any human being thought it was okay to treat a stepchild like a piece of s**t

I'm sorry but I think you would be better off without her or your Dad in your life, unless he is going to change. He is obviously too selfish to care about his dc before himself. Would you stand by and let anyone treat your dc like she has treated all of you?

there is no way on earth i would let anyone treat my dd like this.

when i was snubbed yesterday i was angry, but more angry that mrs x's mum didnt even say hello to my dd. She knitted newborn cardigans and blankets for her not so long ago. so how could she ignore her?

im just at my wits end with it all and dont know what to do.

And i feel sorry for my dad. Yes he is spineless. Yes he has been selfish. Yes he should have stood up for us. The whole baked bean incident happened when i was 21. i wasnt even a child. But ive gone along with what he has said to keep him happy. My sisters and brother have cut him out of their life now, they didnt even send him a birthday card. Yet he claims he doesnt know what the matter with them is. ( But he has been told time and time again for the last 10 years)

I think he is scared of her, and scared to be alone. I do not want anything more to do with them. Yet my dad is under the illusion that this can all be sorted and we can play happy families. This is despite me crying on the phone to him since june that i cant take this any more.

sorry to go on, the whole thing is pretty crap.
And my dh is in germany and dd is ill so i feel pretty crap right now!

it sounds unbearable for you. Perhaps just bow out gracefully, write your dad a heartfelt letter - you love him, you want to part of his life but you can't cope with the way x and her family treat you anymore.

It's a shame you live near them still much harder to deal with.

In some ways therapy would be good for you to offload etc

i'd be inclined to go to the party and smile. when it gets too much, just leave.

re. your dad not letting you fight her, perhaps she will take it out on him. it's impossible to know what's going on behind closed doors. i think i would probably not try to have it out with her. i don't think you can change things that way. i'd insist though, on continuing to see your dad and make sure he's alright.

really sorry you're going through this. she is unconscionable.

it is just a dufficult situation all round.

i do agree that most likely if i said anything she would take it out on my dad. He must be scared of her, or of being alone for him not to have done something before. I feel bad that it has come to this, but i guess it is his own fault.

I do want to still see him.

my head is just all over the place at the momment and i dont know what to do for the best.

you know posting this has really helped. so thank you.

ive just realised ive just been a bit of a mug the last 10 years or so. Ive literally let her treat me how she has for the sake of my fathers happiness.

He has know what has been going on, but is too spineless to do anything about it.

But if i had stood up to her from the begining it would not be like this now.

I shall go to my grandads party and i shall go with pride, i have not done anything wrong and i will not allow her to push me out of my own family.

I give up hoping my dad will do anything about it, and i think i will not have it out with her either. I shall just blank her and treat her and her family with the same level of contempt i have been shown!

I'm glad it's helped, one of my postings was very blunt/harsh I was a bit uncertain about posting it!!!!!! You are worth so much more than the way you are being treated, try to be very very thicked skinned around her and to be afraid of retorting appropriately, eg you smile and say "hello, how are you?" she blanks you, you say "you're being rude & ignorant towards me again are you?" and carry on as normal..........

that's if you're brave/confident enough it will make her look very small and silly and you have been polite and taken the first step to be civil every time!

thank you again

you are right. i am going to beat her at her own game. if it causes problems for me to stand up to her then so be it.

If i run off and just let it lie then she will have won.

am i the only one who has these type of problems, or is this common in step families?

Rubbish her father standing back and letting her be abused is the same as him doing it himself - he as her father has a duty of care - how anyone can say he is not to blame for this woman's behaviour is talking bollox! Saying the problem is with your SM only is rubbish he should be protecting you and not letting her do this.

Cut them both out of your life - that is what I have done - my father stood by and let my stepmother abuse my sister and I have nothing to do with any of them now - he even stood by and let her stand up against me in court fighting for custody of my daughter. Life is so much easier - I don;t have to live up to their stupid rules and regulations - I can say what I want to people without worrying that it is going to be misconstrued and blown up into a huge arguement - I can be me - I have a lovely family in DH and the kids and his family and my aunts and uncles and I have confidence born of knowing that I am nothing like than - pathetic and nasty.

He convieniently rewrites history too so he doesn't have to face what a fuck up he is for a parent - and the reason my dad put up with it - he is rich and if he stood up to her she would have taken him for everything!! Pathetic Eh?

Well that sounds blunt doesn't it but it works - your father will never stand up to her you do know that don't you, he will never put you first.

Your brothers and sisters have the right idea - bet they aren;t posting messages about this - bet they are just getting on with their lives and not fretting??

Both your dad and his wife are acting appalingly here.

Her for the actual carrying out of all the nastiness.
Him for letting her and doing zilch about it.
Neither of these two people have respect for his children.

I am sorry this probably sounds harsh.

I think you need to sit down with both of them and explain to them that this has to stop now.

no, you are both right, i totally agree.

you are so right about living up to their rules and regulations, everything i do is wrong or is critisised. And its also exacally the same, everything i say is twisted and blown up into something its not, just as to cause an arguement.

And no my sisters and brothers are not posting and worrying about this. they all washed their hands ages ago.

I so want to, i just cant get it throught to my dads head. he does not see or understand at all. But like you all have said, i dont think he ever will, nor for a min think that this will ever change.

families, they are crap sometimes arent they.

And to top off my brilliant last few days my car has broken down and has had to be towed away and i havent got the money to get it fixed right now.
ARRRRGGGHHHH

Ohhh no. That is just what you don't need.

Hope you can get everything sorted out again soon.

I know how hard it is to have family problems (no longer have contact with my parents), and how much strength from both you and your husband it takes to get through something like this so that you will all get out of it respecting eachother.

well i thought i would update this thread.
its just going from worse to worse.

I called my step grandmother to ask her what was the matter and to ask her why she was ignoring me. she just shouted that i was a liar and a horrible peice of work and she hung up on me.

ive not done anything to her. i called my father and asked him to come round to mine asap. he turne up and hour later. i told him i was sick of the lot of them and did not want to see any of them, including him ever again. He has got to the bottom of the whole problem, and as i have been saying its nothing to do with me, it actaullt isnt, and he has had it from the horses mouth so to speak. But sill my step mother refuses to speak to me and is slagging me off to everyone. My dad did even say himself that the reason she isnt speaking to me changes once a week. and he doesnt think she wants to sort it out. He tried crying, trying to make me feel guilty. but ive given him since june to sort this out and its almost novemeber now. i am exhausted by it all.
I dont know what i can do other than not talk to him again. i think ive reached breaking point.

I have chosen to have virtually zero contact with my parents for the last 4.5 years and I am much happier for it. It is painful and difficult but in many ways frees you to be happier. I would recommend getting some counselling to help you come to terms to all of it.

You could contiune to write to your Dad but I'd sent it to his work address otherwise I guess there is no guarantee he'll get it. Don't discuss the issue with him just send him round robin style letters.

If the opportunity arises I would move away from the area. I would devote more time and energy to building relationships with your siblings tbh

ultimately you have to work out what you can live with. perhaps it's just emailing your dad at work, or maybe it's a total break. but it does sound like you've done your utmost to be civil.

she clearly has ishoos. jealousy of your close relationship? and will do anything to stop contact between you. she is essentially trying to force your dad to choose between you and her from the sounds of it. he can't. i'm sure she's abusive at home and he's scared of her. he probably has no self-confidence left and is scared of being alone. she's got him right under her thumb.

sorry you're going through this. and no, it doesn't have to be this way - this is what she's chosen.

i think thats what im going to have to do. dad did say he would just come round once in a while, but tbh whats the poing, one hour every few weeks or so, just so he can feel good about himself? and i wont be able to call him at home, and he cant speak to me if she is about.

the whole situation is pitiful. and i do think a clean break is whats needed. maybe dad will then realise what hes done.