How to balance mum's time/expectations!

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 23/09/2020 12:10

Can you point out that newborns can't be in a car seat for more than about 20-30 mins if I remember correctly so 3 hour journeys won't be possible.

Beamur · 23/09/2020 12:11

I think you may have to nip those expectations in the bud.
You aren't going to want to be doing excessive amounts of driving and it's your DP's baby too.
How often do you think will be reasonable?
Longer term, would your Mum consider moving nearer to you?

Mumoftwo1994 · 23/09/2020 12:15

@MumChats

Just wondering if anyone can help me out in trying to work out how to balance my mum's expectations a bit about seeing her grandchild. She's absolutely lovely and she's really excited about my first baby due in a few months. We live a 3-hour drive away, and she struggles with that as she is not a confident driver. She's started making quite a few references to how lovely it will be when i am on maternity leave and she can see me all the time - she means at her house. Which is really kind of her and it's lovely that she's so excited but i feel a bit uncomfortable about DP, and that it will be a bit sad for him if me and the baby keep going to stay at my mum's, leaving him at home on his own. He won't be able to come because of work (he can't WFH).

I'm not really sure what to do - i don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her in advance that i think she's being unrealistic, but i also don't want to let her keep assuming i'll stay over all the time on mat leave and then it be an unpleasant surprise when the baby comes and i don't visit so much.

Added complication is that she is on her own since my dad died a few years ago, i know that she is lonely and i already feel guilty for being so far away and not seeing her often enough. Seeing me and her grandchild often would bring her so much joy, but i feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place. I either disappoint her by not visiting much or DP by leaving him alone! What would you do?

Maybe offer for her to stay a few nights in the week?

Original poster

MumChats · 23/09/2020 12:25

Thanks for your replies everyone. That's a really good point about car seats. How old are babies once they can travel for a bit longer? Yes, she will come and visit us too, but she finds the drive really daunting (sleepless nights prior to it etc. Public transport not really an option) - also the onus will be on her to come here once i am back to work, so i think she sees mat leave as the time that she can enjoy having us come to her! She won't move here because she's in between me and my sister at the moment.

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Original poster

MumChats · 23/09/2020 12:29

In terms of what's reasonable, i'm not sure, maybe 1 or 2 nights a month? I suppose if the baby is a bad sleeper DP might end up being grateful of the break during weeknights so it might work out okay! But yes of course it's his baby too and i am sure he would rather have us around!

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ravenmum · 23/09/2020 12:32

Why is public transport not an option? Because of Covid? If things are that bad then she won't be allowed to travel anyway.

Tell her you've been reading up on cocooning and are planning to do that for at least a couple of months because it is so important for the dad to bond with his baby too.

BlueDream · 23/09/2020 12:33

I don't think it's at all reasonable of her to expect you to do a 6 hour round trip with a small baby. 3 hours in a car seat at once is really not good.

I'd say once a month you go to her, once a month she comes to you. Her being a nervous driver doesn't trump your poor baby being strapped in a seat for hours at a time.

Can you gently tell her the above, and that luckily she has a couple months to practice her driving?

inappropriateraspberry · 23/09/2020 12:35

Can you invite her to stay with you for a bit? Have a week with her once you're settled with baby and she can spend time with you all.

Original poster

MumChats · 23/09/2020 12:35

Thanks @ravenmum - i have actually not heard of cocooning so will genuinely read up on it! Public transport because of where we live - no buses, and 1h from nearest train (she's also 30m from nearest train). Would be a right faff and probably take near enough 5h, as well as having to pay car parking plus expensive train fare.

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billy1966 · 23/09/2020 12:37

Unfortunately your mum is not being realistic.

I wouldn't dream of having a new baby in a car seat for hours.
Secondly, I can understand that your DP would be seriously unimpressed with you taking the baby away regularly, no matter how lovely your mum is.

You need to establish how often you would like her to visit and set it out to her.

The car seat alone should put paid to any travelling like that.

rookiemere · 23/09/2020 12:38

Could she travel part the way by train - so an hour away - and you pick her up from there ? I think it would be a lot better if she could come to you.

Original poster

MumChats · 23/09/2020 12:39

Thanks everyone. This is making me feel better - i was a bit anxious about letting her down but you are all giving me some perspective! Yes, I can (and will) have her to stay and yes i hadn't properly considered that the drive isn't good for the baby. I don't mind the drive so for me it's okay but really good point that i can't put the baby through it.

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Tootletum · 23/09/2020 12:40

The baby should be OK with a long drive by 6 weeks, but it's not really recommended until 3 months I think. They have so little head control that in most car seats they end up with a crooked neck. I didn't know this and went for a 90 minute drive with my first when he was 2 weeks old, he was totally lolled to one side when I got out the car. You'll also probably find it hard to settle it at night if it's been asleep in the car for 3 hours. Also if your baby is a bad sleeper, you will not be safe to drive that far. Your mum will have to take turns.

RedskyAtnight · 23/09/2020 12:43

I think it's best to be absolutely clear in these situations.
What do you think is an appropriate frequency to meet up? If you (e.g) think it's once a month then you could go and see her once a month and maybe suggest she visits you in alternate months? If you don't want to leave your partner, then sometimes travel up on a Friday night/Saturday morning and stay for the weekend - which is what you'll have to do when you are back at work (not fair to expect her to do all the travelling once that happens, any more than it's fair to make you do all the travelling on maternity leave).

ravenmum · 23/09/2020 12:47

We travelled 4h to my ILs for Christmas when the kids were babies, but it doesn't feel good. You can get a cushion for their head, but even so, they can't lie flat in the seats, so they look like little hunched old men; really doesn't look good for their backs.

I hate driving and would not enjoy a long motorway trip at all, but I would never expect my kids to be put out, or any babies to be stuck in a car for hours, just because I'm anxious. I don't even have a car today, which means that I have made the choice to use public transport, even if that is slow or inconvenient. I don't complain, as it is my choice.

HazelWong · 23/09/2020 12:52

Some babies really hate being in the car - both of mine just wailed in the car until they were about a year old. A 3 hour journey would have been horrendous.

LindaEllen · 23/09/2020 12:57

Honestly, the last thing you'll feel like doing is a 3hr journey on your own (assuming that your DP has to stay at home to go to work) with a tiny baby. Your mum really should be thinking of that and how difficult it might be for you to actually get to her, but I suppose she's just excited so not really thinking of the practical side of things as much.

Talk to her about your concerns, and about why it's not realistic for you to be visiting a huge amount. I'm not actually sure I'd want to be doing a journey of that length on my own with a baby at all, but then again I am a bit wimpy so that might just be me.

I think the best thing to do - if at all possible - would be to invite her up for a weekend every month, and then you go to see her with your DP one weekend a month too so he can go with you (or whenever fits with his job).

It won't be ALL the time like she's expecting, but it would give her chance to see baby quite a bit.

HazelWong · 23/09/2020 12:59

I think the best thing to do - if at all possible - would be to invite her up for a weekend every month, and then you go to see her with your DP one weekend a month too so he can go with you (or whenever fits with his job).*

Even that is quite a lot. If the DP's parents want to see the baby some weekends as well, it leaves the OP and her DP with hardly any weekends just them.

timeisnotaline · 23/09/2020 13:03

I would be too tired to safely drive an hour much less three for most of the first 6 months.

REignbow · 23/09/2020 13:07

Your mother is being unrealistic and quite demanding.

No one knows, how long it will take you recover from giving birth and how the baby sleeps etc.

Even waiting until the baby is older, is not so straight forward. As even travelling with an older baby is a faff and like others have said there are some babies that HATE being in a car seat (even with a short journey). Also, why should your maternity leave be spent driving long distances on a regular basis?

I know that she dislikes driving, however this is her chance to go out more in order to become more comfortable (l bet it was your father that drove the majority of the time?).

My Grandfather passed away more than ten years ago now and he used to drive. When he died, my Nan bought a car and very slowly increased her confidence. She did this, so she became more independent and so that she could travel to visit friends and family. She’s now in her eighties.

wishcaptainbarnaclewasmyboss · 23/09/2020 13:32

Yep!

Not the same, but my parents live abroad and when I got pregnant my mum kept making references to me spending much of my maternity leave out there! I did do a quite a few trips to see them without the baby because I felt guilty about letting them down. To be honest a week without my husband felt too long and so it definitely wasn't what we really wanted and I found myself getting needlessly emotional about things as a result, which wasn't helpful. Plus it was actually quite tiring travelling with a baby and when she got older she didn't sleep so well there. I am a bit of a home bird and like my own space though, so others might feel otherwise about this!

My mum has since adapted - my parents are planning to spend more time in the U.K. in the winters, so I will see them a bit more without having to travel to them going forward.

I am now pregnant with number 2. And I donMt plan to travel to them with 2 kids on a plane on my own. So we will go for trips of up to a week probably a couple of times in spring/summer when my husband can get annual leave (in my previous maternity leave, we tried my husband working from their house, but the wifi there was not up to it, so it was a very frustrating week for him). And that will be the best we can do - they will need to travel to us, as they are retired and have lots of time and money if they want to.

Whilst I sometimes get pangs of guilt about not giving them their ideal grandparent experience, I also know that I ran myself a bit ragged trying to do this at points on maternity leave with my first and, whilst I will make efforts so far as possible, it isn't my fault that we don't live close (it is just a question of both parties choosing locations that suit them) and actually I don't think that it is unreasonable to make sure that you look after your and your child's interests first in the first year - it's a tiring time when you need your physical and emotional strength so if it suits you better to be at home, it is ok to say so.

Practically, I agree that the car journey is not very sensible for the first few months. However:

could you each put aside a bit of cash for taxis to make your mum's life easier? Maybe instead of going mad in creating a nursery for a room at hers, as some grandparents do (which is often a waste of cash as you only really need a travel cot) she might spend some of that cash on taxi to and from station.

could you book a weekend break somewhere en route that she can come to and get to easily early on?

Obviously these ideas cost money - I know not reasonable for some.

could your husband come up with you on a Thursday evening (driving after baby's bedtime is sometimes quite helpful in terms of ensuring they will sleep in the car), he can work from her house on Friday whilst you and mum spend time together and then go back with you on Sunday, maybe once a month? Then you have someone to share the driving, you can sit in the back with the baby if you want (if they are not a good traveller, or you need to console them if they have a dirty nappy etc on the way to a service station).

pinknsparkly · 23/09/2020 13:43

You're being completely unrealistic about your ability to drive. My little girl is 10 weeks old and I still can't drive further than an hour at a time due to exhaustion. It would just be incredibly unsafe for me to attempt anything further. A two hour round trip (one hour each way) to visit my husband's family wipes me out for a good few days!

Original poster

MumChats · 23/09/2020 13:58

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and perspective. This has been really helpful. She's not deliberately demanding and unreasonable, i think she's just got carried away with the excitement. And yes she will push herself to drive if she needs to - also taking taxis is probably a good idea as well as doing things with DP (we will of course see her together at weekends, i think she just imagined being able to see me and the baby more than that mid-week as well). I'll speak to her, she'll understand. She wouldn't want me to worry about this and she wouldn't want her grandchild to be uncomfortable in the car, i think she's just dreaming of the positives and not considering the negatives @wishcaptainbarnaclewasmyboss thanks for sharing your experience. It's not exactly the same but sounds like a lot of similar emotions and it sounds like you learnt a lot from your first mat leave about standing up for yourself more and everyone adjusting! We both just need to do a bit of that i think. Thank you everyone.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2020 14:10

"And yes she will push herself to drive if she needs to - also taking taxis is probably a good idea as well as doing things with DP (we will of course see her together at weekends, i think she just imagined being able to see me and the baby more than that mid-week as well)".

You need firm and consistently applied boundaries here re your mother and start as you mean to go on. Encourage her to have some refresher driving lessons with a qualified instructor if she is not that confident a driver. If she lives three hours away how much do you think taxis are going to cost?. Even a 30 minute cab ride will cost a fair bit and who is going to pay for those?

How does your DP get on with your mother?. You and he also will likely not be able to see her every single weekend; it may well be one in every 3 or 4 weekends for instance. Your mother cannot and should not use you and your family unit here as the sole gap to fill her life with here; she also needs friends of her own to socialise with in her locality. She cannot make you people her sole focus in life.

Original poster

MumChats · 23/09/2020 14:24

Yes sorry i meant taxis to/from the train station. It will add up but we will just have to bear the cost to an extent. We are not wealthy but we have enough disposable income that we could spend a bit on helping her to visit us. DP and her get on really well although he would be reluctant to spend loads of time with her - one weekend a month would be the limit i think, especially as PP pointed out we also have his parents to consider and other family/friends as well as wanting time alone! She does socialise. She has lots of friends and hobbies although sometimes it feels a bit like she's trying to keep herself busy rather than genuinely enjoying herself. Time with family makes her the happiest and although that might not always be easy to make happen, it's also not ideal for her that her husband died! So i want to give her some understanding/support as well as making it work for our own situation.

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