Wife’s Male Friend

[Addingthingsup]

Hello All,

Looking for an opinion from mums, am I reading to much into this?

Background:

I have been married almost 11 years, my wife and I have generally a good marriage. Typical on / off arguments for a relationship.

For the past year, my wife has befriended a male friend, that’s sort of become my friend too. He’s single, and is generally a really nice guy.

My worries come from not reading the situation well. They both speak a language that I don’t understand, have tons of common interests, and in my presence usually speak in my presence.

He’s not the play boy type, and usually would not consider him competition. But he’s so especially nice to my wife but also nice to me.

My other worries stem from the almost daily calls or weekly visits, though I’m present. And the every other day text messages. What I’ve seen, they seem quite close. Almost like best friends.

In my presence it’s just generic chit chat, family, personal issues, how friends would talk.

To me, it appears that my wife is really enjoying a platonic relationship and actively involves me. And in my head, if she does prefer this guy, then I think she’s the decent type to tell me and not drag anything on. And who am I to force someone, I rather she stay for love not because I guilt tripped her. I care about her happiness and her well being the most.

And same for this friendship, if it’s genuine, I don’t want to be the jealous type and actually mess something that makes my wife happy. Because I think if I said something - she would be very angry and upset but actually cut the relationship with him. And that to me feels like trapping her, which I don’t want.

In fact I don’t feel jealous, more heart broken, that she’s has a relationship with a guy I don’t think I can compete, with his niceness and considerate personality. He seems to have a strong moral stance too, so makes me think twice his intentions.

I would really appreciate any direction, I’m I over thinking it, is a emotional affair or just a genuine friendship.

I agree with those saying its double standards.

Knowing your wife as you do, how do you think she'd react if you developed a friendship with another woman, who started frequenting your house like this and the kids started seeing her as an Auntie?

I don't think your feelings make you a jealous person at all.

Some pp are trying to suggest that expressing how you feel means you're policing her friendships. To those saying wpuld he feel the sane about a female friend... well the gender is relevant here....although the level if contact even if it was a female friend seems excessive for a new friendship.

I don't have any friendship that matters as much to me as my relationship with dh. So if he were unhappy a out an intense friendship, I'd end it or at least cool it.

That's not the same as a partner controlling you or stop ping you having friends or stop ping you going out.

OP I don't know why you feel this guy is so nice and moral. I find it really not nice that he has slotted himself into your family on a weekly basis. Maybe he is lonely but it does seem an unusual thing for a single guy to do

@Bluntness100

Loving the folks saying I’m not a jealous person but then stating they’d have issues with this and clearly are.

Op, you are jealous and insecure, either you trust her or you don’t. Your wife is a grown woman, she is able to choose her own friends, and how she interacts with them, it is not your place to decide what is and is not acceptable to you. The gender of the friends is not relevant, irrespective of how many of the “non jealous” types tell you it is.

I have male friends, and female ones, if my husband told me how often I was allowed to see or talk to any of them it would not go well for him. He also has friends of both genders, I actually am not the jealous type and would not dream of interfering and telling him how often he could interact. In fact on nights out he invites me often, and usually I say no.

You need to work out if this is about your jealousy and insecurity, or if you think there is something romantic between them genuinely, I suspect it’s the former.

What you cannot do, is dictate to your wife how she manages her friendships.

This. You don’t get to dictate the terms on which your spouse conducts his or her friendships. She’s undertaken to be faithful to you, not to never have other friendships. You say yourself it’s a platonic friendship that arose out of a shared cultural background, that you’re always present when they see one another, you overhear the normal chitchat of their calls, that she tries to involve you in the friendship, that you trust she would admit it if she ever developed an attraction to him, that your children view him as an uncle — this all sounds entirely blameless.

Your issue appears to be twofold — that (a) you think he’s a better man than you, and that (b)you don’t want your wife to be close to anyone other than you, especially if his nice, considerate nature makes you look bad. Both those are your issues, not hers, and you need to deal with them.

And yes, it’s perfectly possible they would be happy as a couple had you and your wife not met first. Unless you hold the completely ridiculous view that there’s only one soulmate per person on the planet, logic dictates there are several people any one of us could be happy with.

I’ve been very happily with my husband since my teens — late 40s now — but have met at least two men I think I could have been happy with, had I met them earlier, and had our lives worked out differently. It’s never caused me any internal drama or caused me to reconsider my marriage. You just think ‘Oh, interesting’ and move on.

Your wife may not feel that about her friend, or he about her, but unless you keep her in a box, you can’t prevent people from meeting other people they like. Neither your wife nor her friend have done anything at all to merit suspicion.

I'd trust your gut on this one. No you can't dictate to your wife about friendships, however you can talk to her about putting boundaries in place. She's married to you and your feelings should be important to her. How would she want you to behave if it was the other way round?

As someone who has had an affair and inappropriate friendships with other guys, I can tell you that it starts by being 'just friends' and slowly but surely boundaries are crossed. In my case if it gets to daily messaging then there's a big emotional attatchment there and it's crossed the line from friendship. You don't require that level of communication with a normal friend as an adult.

Some of these responses seem odd. He's not saying his wife can't have male friends. It's the intensity of the relationship.

And maybe it's the vibe/situation of this friendship that is precisely what is making him jealous and insecure. His instincts are telling him something.

And he should expect to be his wife's best friend, and the fact he has been displaced is worrying. For me it meant I was closer to the other guy than my husband.

Eskers did the men you thought you could have been happily married to spend time with you every week and message you every day? Because if not, I don't think it's the same thing.

It's fine for people not to think this is a problem for them (someone at their house once a week and texting their wife/husband/dp once a day).

But several posters have said it would be a problem for them.

So thOP doesn't have issues with himself, he has a person making life harder for him. He is entitled to acknowledge that.

"Neither your wife nor her friend have done anything at all to merit suspicion." This may or may not be true but the fact is the OP isn't happy with the situation. If my dh wasn't happy I would want to know.

My fear is, if cpbfrunted, she will act very defensive. Really there is no need to be defensive.

Thank you Gyh863 for explaining how easily these things can happen. Some people on this thread seem woefully nieve.

Massive double standards on here, if you were a woman you’d be told to leave immediately, divorce, see a solicitor, gas lighting, emotional abuse and goodness knows what else.

OP it sounds a very intense relationship and if you aren’t happy then you absolutely should tell your wife how you feel!

@Italiangreyhound

Eskers did the men you thought you could have been happily married to spend time with you every week and message you every day? Because if not, I don't think it's the same thing.

It's fine for people not to think this is a problem for them (someone at their house once a week and texting their wife/husband/dp once a day).

But several posters have said it would be a problem for them.

So thOP doesn't have issues with himself, he has a person making life harder for him. He is entitled to acknowledge that.

"Neither your wife nor her friend have done anything at all to merit suspicion." This may or may not be true but the fact is the OP isn't happy with the situation. If my dh wasn't happy I would want to know.

My fear is, if cpbfrunted, she will act very defensive. Really there is no need to be defensive.

Thank you Gyh863 for explaining how easily these things can happen. Some people on this thread seem woefully nieve.

Yes, one was a colleague, as was his wife — we spent a lot of time together in and out of work for the ten years we lived in the same city. The other became one of my closest friends, and we’re still in touch almost daily despite living in different countries now. In neither case did I accidentally fall onto their penises, or play emotional footsie, and nor did my husband have a jealous identity crisis.

Surely seeing your best friend once a week if they live reasonably close is hardly excessive?

Eskers thank you for replying.

In my view it's great you managed to enjoy a good relationship and all was well with your dh. I don't think people accidentally fall onto other people's penises. I think what happens is in some relationships some partners can and do cross boundaries.

Seeing someone every week when you work together is not that surprising. But if my dh worked with someone and had a very close relationship with them (the kind described by the OP) I think it would really bother me.

I would expect my dh to care about what bothered me. My dh wouldn't need to actually have sex with someone else for a close relationship to bother me.

The fact you use the phrase 'jealous identity crisis' suggests you don't take the OP's feelings seriously. That's your right, of course. But I do think that things that make our partners unhappy can be a big issue. This friendship could damage their relationship.

"Surely seeing your best friend once a week if they live reasonably close is hardly excessive?"

I don't think seeing someone once a week is excessive, I think them coming and joining in a family activity/being at home with you and your partner and your kids, is excessive. Texting daily, to me is excessive. But it's not whether it bothers me, it bothers the OP and that's the issue.

Also, I do think if your best friend is a single member of the opposite sex and you are a married person (also married to a member of the opposite sex) then it can be an issue.