Wife’s Male Friend

[Addingthingsup]

Hello All,

Looking for an opinion from mums, am I reading to much into this?

Background:

I have been married almost 11 years, my wife and I have generally a good marriage. Typical on / off arguments for a relationship.

For the past year, my wife has befriended a male friend, that’s sort of become my friend too. He’s single, and is generally a really nice guy.

My worries come from not reading the situation well. They both speak a language that I don’t understand, have tons of common interests, and in my presence usually speak in my presence.

He’s not the play boy type, and usually would not consider him competition. But he’s so especially nice to my wife but also nice to me.

My other worries stem from the almost daily calls or weekly visits, though I’m present. And the every other day text messages. What I’ve seen, they seem quite close. Almost like best friends.

In my presence it’s just generic chit chat, family, personal issues, how friends would talk.

To me, it appears that my wife is really enjoying a platonic relationship and actively involves me. And in my head, if she does prefer this guy, then I think she’s the decent type to tell me and not drag anything on. And who am I to force someone, I rather she stay for love not because I guilt tripped her. I care about her happiness and her well being the most.

And same for this friendship, if it’s genuine, I don’t want to be the jealous type and actually mess something that makes my wife happy. Because I think if I said something - she would be very angry and upset but actually cut the relationship with him. And that to me feels like trapping her, which I don’t want.

In fact I don’t feel jealous, more heart broken, that she’s has a relationship with a guy I don’t think I can compete, with his niceness and considerate personality. He seems to have a strong moral stance too, so makes me think twice his intentions.

I would really appreciate any direction, I’m I over thinking it, is a emotional affair or just a genuine friendship.

I agree that the intensity of the relationship seems inappropriate. I don’t think I’d like my husband calling a woman he had recently met daily and meeting up each week. And you say you think this man would like to be in a relationship with your wife - even if she doesn’t feel the same I wouldn’t keep a close friendship with someone if I knew they actually wanted a romantic relationship. I think it’s unfair to your husband/wife to spend a lot of time and have a close and intimate relationship with someone who clearly wants to be with you.

What dilemma op? There is no dilemma, you don’t get to police your wife’s friendships. There is no discussion to be had on that. There is no dilemma.

And it also is irrelevant if he wishes to be in a relationship with her or not. What matters is would she cheat and do you trust her. On him that’s your jealousy speaking. Because you just don’t know.

And you can’t decide you need to be her best friend, so she’s not allowed other friends, it’s too controlling for words. Change the gender here. If this was a female would you have the same issues?

Genuinely I don’t know the answer to that, because actually the answer may very well be yes, and you just don’t want your wife to be friends with anyone but you.

@Kanaloa

I agree that the intensity of the relationship seems inappropriate. I don’t think I’d like my husband calling a woman he had recently met daily and meeting up each week. And you say you think this man would like to be in a relationship with your wife - even if she doesn’t feel the same I wouldn’t keep a close friendship with someone if I knew they actually wanted a romantic relationship. I think it’s unfair to your husband/wife to spend a lot of time and have a close and intimate relationship with someone who clearly wants to be with you.

Why? Because it’s a man?

And only the op thinks he wants to be in a relationship with her, she may not think that at all, and he may not wish to be either, the op is clearly jealous and insecure.

You yourself having jealousy issues doesn’t make his behaviour ok.

You sound quite nice tbh. For what it's worth, I wouldn't like this but you are right that you can't police other people's friendships.

You can work on your own relationship though. What can you do to make that closer? Start learning her language for a start?

No, because it’s inappropriate if this male friend is hanging around wanting to be in a relationship with her and she is calling him daily and meeting up each week. It sounds like an extemely intense friendship and calling daily is quite intimate.

I don’t actually have any jealousy issues personally, but I don’t think many women would like their husband to call a woman he had just met every day. You just need to look at similar threads where women mention their husband having a close and intimate friendship with a woman - they are immediately advised to snoop through his phone, confront him etc. Obviously I don’t think this is right as I would never snoop through someone’s phone but it does show that clearly a lot of people wouldn’t be happy with this.

I don’t actually have any jealousy issues personally

You clearly do.

Just saying you don’t doesn’t make it true, when every word of your posts drips with it.

I've got a friend from my country who loves locally and the connection is stronger than with my friends from the uk. I've lived in other places and it is nice to be around people who get you in a way that noone who isn't from your country, can.

But maybe talk to her and tell her that he may have a soft spot for her and even if he doesn't want to do anything about it , it may be stopping him from meeting a woman to be in a relationship with. See what she says.

As you don’t know me at all, I don’t see how you can say I clearly have issues with anything. I’m also not sure why you’re picking up my posts particularly when other posters have said similar things. You seem determined to find issue with my posts specifically. I hope nothing in my posts upset or offended you, I was just giving my personal opinion, as were all the posters on the thread - some of whom agreed with me that they wouldn’t like this.

Of course, if you would be happy with this situation then it would work for your relationship. That’s your opinion.

Would you still feel this way if he was female? Maybe talk to your wife and express your feelings and concerns.
I myself have a male best friend, at first my now husband had concerns simply because he was male. Never has anything ever happened between us and never would. Male/female friendships can simply be just friendships. Don't look to much in to it and trust the woman you love

Typical Mumsnet double standards again from those that question his 'niceness' towards his wife. Anyone with a half a brain cell can understand that he didn't mean it that way at all.

The harsh reality is that people have affairs all the time, even when their marital partner has done nothing wrong. People stray for excitement, the thrill, the adventure, the lust, etc, even when their partner is kind, considerate and nice.

That doesn't mean the op's wife is having an affair but those earlier were quite frankly shocking.

@Bluntness100 is right. If a spouse/partner of mine tried too tell me how much I could talk to a friend, I wouldn't find it endearing.

That sort of attempt to control people is unappealing and helps end relationships I think.

I understand how you feel, but don't think you can do anything at the mo OP.

Enjoy your own interests, and also as a PP said maybe think of things you could do with your wife to make you closer.

Weirdly I'm in a similar situation, my dp has an issue with my male friend. I had a bit of girly crush on said friend when we first met but this has now developed in to a proper actual friendship. Tbh even if I really fancied him I would never cheat anyway as it would mess up so much. Try to chat about it without being accusing as it could well be that they just have a strong bond. Although having said that, daily calls does seem a tad excessive. I probably have contact with my male friend a couple of times a week. I think daily contact with anyone other than immediate family is a bit odd though but I guess it does happen in some friendships. Definitely try and have a chat about it, albeit in the nicest way possible. My partner accused me of cheating and it has caused quite a few problems.

@yetmorecrap

I agree, its wonderful being able to trust your partner until one day, one of their opposite sex friends gets a bit too close and funily enough they never seem to look like the back end of a bus.

You sound uncomfortable OP
Does your wife not pick up that it could be a bit intrusive on your relationship?

Has he recently come to your area and maybe doesn't have many friends other than your wife who speaks the same language.?

1pp% agree with Hotwaterbottlelove.

Personally, I would hate tgis and never do it to my dh. If a friendship bothered him I'd not pursue it. He is a logical, rational person and would not feel jealous for no reason.

What you describe sounds horrible for you and if your wife wishes to continue it knowing it disturbs you then that is not good.

I don't think you sound uneccesarily jealous. I think you sound insecure because this relationship is making you feel that way.

100%

Bluntness clearly there is a dilemma. The OP doesn't know how to raise with his wife the subject that her behavior is upsetting him.

Telling your life partner you are hurt by their behaviour is not policing them.

And i would also feel concerned if my husband had a male or female friend who turned up our house so frequently, became like an uncle or aunt to our kids and texted my dh daily. And I wouldn't care if anyone thought that controlling or jealous because exoressing how you feel in a relationship is a normal healthy thing to do.

I don't think we can diagnose 'jealousy issue's on our fellow posters. Nor should we! If the OP feels uncomfortable that is how he feels. Tgis friendship is spoiling some aspect of his relationship with his wife. Being told how he feels doesn't equal policing! The police don't come to your house and tell you how they feel about law breaking!

Sadly, people do have affairs and I expect many do not think starting out that that is going to happen.

OP the only thing I would say (not from personal experience) is work on your relationship to be in the best place and if you talk to her be aware this friendship may mean so much she is willing to allow it jepodise her marriage.

I hope not.

There is nothing you can do than leave her to her friendship. Alternatives would drive a wedge between you. If she falls in love with him, there is nothing you can do but step aside.

All you can do is be the best you can be as a husband and hope she sees you as the better option.

Personally I'd say to her you understand why she gets on so well with her friend, you feel threatened by it, but trust her and will not question it. I'd also ask her to be honest with you and tell you if she falls for him so that at least you can sort out divorce in a less messy way, rather than her cheating.

It's not ideal, but there's little that will change it.

I think the double standards on these threads are ridiculous. If the roles were reversed and it was a man having a close friendship with a woman-texting and calling all the time-getting ultra close-the majority would say that it is not on and the wife needs to intervene as he is being disrespectful. This situation is no different - you should be her best friend, not him. Friendship is fine but she is being disrespectful towards you.

So she gets to stay happy and you don't OP ? Hmmm......... I think there is more to this and would love to know what nationality she is

Talk to her about it. Only way to move forwards, jealous or not.

The reality of these thing is in the grey areas anyway. It would be nice to completely trust everyone in this world, but that is naive. You can also trust no-one, but that is paranoid.

I think you can rely on your gut feelings here. You are noticing an intensity between them that feels uncomfortable for you. AND THAT IS OK! It is ok for things to feel uncomfortable and it is ok to share your concern.

I have shared my concerns about a friendship with my DH in the past. It didn’t go down well but, on balance I would rather share my concern than not. Surely that is what a good relationship is about - being able to share and talk about difficult issues. If your DW then chose to let things escalate then she has done so knowing that there was the potential for this to happen, pre-warned if you like. She would not be able to say that she didn’t see it coming because you had shared your concern with her and tried to talk with her about it.

I would hope my DH would tell me if he thought I had a friendship that was growing intense and making him feel uncomfortable. I might not like hearing it but perhaps I would need to hear it.

It sounds from your posts that you are feeling like a third person in your relationship and not really needed. That’s a horrible way to feel and all I can suggest is that you talk with your DW because if she is a loving, caring person then she will not want you to feel that way.

Do things that raise your self-esteem too OP. This appears to have dented your confidence so that you don’t feel as ‘good’ as him in some way. Find things to do that mean looking after yourself. Perhaps focus on you for a while and practice self-care. A cliche maybe but the only thing you can do when your self-esteem is feeling fragile.

@Anordinarymum

So she gets to stay happy and you don't OP ? Hmmm......... I think there is more to this and would love to know what nationality she is

What’s her nationality got to do with it, and yes she gets to stay happy. The ops unhappiness is his issue and shouldn’t be made hers.

I would trust your gut OP, tbh. It's trying to tell you something.

I've always had male friends, in fact my best friend of 25 years was male (until I lost him last year .

But my ex had an affair with someone I considered a close friend. Before I knew what was going on I felt like you do now. I asked him about it and he of course lied and gaslit me.