Did I do something wrong?

[Grace103]

Hi everyone

So I’m on an internet dating site and I matched with this guy. We soon arranged our first date (I liked it that we didn’t text for days first, as is so common on the app).

We had our first date (Drinks) and it lasted for 4 hours. It was great and we had so much in common. We discovered we had gone to the same primary school but he was a few years ahead of me. Lots of mutual friends, we just hadn’t come across each other. Chat flowed easily and no red flags.

He text me 45 mins after we said ‘goodbye’ saying he had a great time and would like to see me again.

We arranged a second date (dinner) which went equally as well. Dinner turned into drinks and the date lasted 6 hours. We had so much to talk about. Was equal and shared talking, not one sided at all. Clear physical attraction on both sides and at the end of the night he kissed me. During the date he said he wanted to see me again so we arranged a third date during our second date.

We had our third date the next day - we went for a walk, then dinner. We also made out a lot. I felt, again, we got on very well. No red flags. Clear attraction. We left on very good terms (and kissing) and he said he would love to see me again- I said I would love to see him again too. He text me when he got home, I replied. That was late on Saturday night.

However, since then, he has gone cold. Hasn’t initiated a text. I have text him 3 times trying to strike up a conversation. He has replied every time (so he’s not ghosting) but his responses are short and to the point, he doesn’t seek to continue the conversation or ask questions etc. I can just tell the tone has changed. It feels like I’ve done something wrong but I have no idea what.

What should I do? I feel really disappointed to be honest because we did get in so well, we had so much in common and there was clear physical attraction on both sides.

I’m surprised by how the situation has changed.

I’m wondering if he just wants me to disappear but if so why doesn’t he just tell me that or why doesn’t he just refuse to reply to my messages?

It sounds like he wants to slow things down especially if your second date was followed by a third the very next day. I can imagine I’d probably feel a bit bombarded if someone I’d only had 3 dates with then continuously texted me before I’d had a chance to catch my breath. But then I’m probably a lot older than you so more of an emotional slow coach.

Remember he’s still pretty much a stranger at this point and try not to be too invested all at once. Take time to breathe

Something similar happened to me years ago.

I found out later he had got back together with his ex.

It wasn't anything to do with me (and we did go on another date when we were both single a few years later - only this time I decided I had gone off him )

Keep trying, OP. And stick to your principles, you don't have to have sex until you are ready (especially during a pandemic...)

It sounds confusing for you because you did really feel that you had a connection, and things like this make you judge your ability to interpret situations and other people.

From what you describe it does sound like he was into you, and there was something between you.

But that is not always sufficient. People bring a lot of baggage, and he might have other background emotional stuff going on (e.g. an ex), or he might have an avoidance style e.g. all seems great so he pulls away (unconsciously) to avoid intimacy developing, or he may make a conscious decision that due to factors in his life he doesn't want this to develop further as it could.

It doesn't matter though, because whatever it is he's withdrawn and it's hurtful and confusing and you need to protect yourself and put your own barriers up.

But it is not always as simple as 'he's just not into you' he probably could be into you but he's not going to be.

But no, you have done nothing wrong. In fact sounds like you did everything right, and he has his own issues.

This is what puts me off dating ! The times I read stories like this is unbelievable. Safer to stay single and save myself the heartache I think.

@Willowmartha1

I dated OLD for about 5 years with a fair few disaster stories (also lots of adventures!) and now have wonderful DP and expecting our second child.

Depends what you want from life, but for me it was worth persevering!

I recently broke things off with someone after 3 dates.

He probably thought we had a good connection, I was unsure.

After the third date I felt we were on the point of having sex on the next date.

I didn't see myself in a serious relationship with this guy, but he obviously did, so I broke it off before it went any further.

Could be the case for him?