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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

31 replies

Grace103 · 23/09/2020 01:33

Hi everyone

So I’m on an internet dating site and I matched with this guy. We soon arranged our first date (I liked it that we didn’t text for days first, as is so common on the app).

We had our first date (Drinks) and it lasted for 4 hours. It was great and we had so much in common. We discovered we had gone to the same primary school but he was a few years ahead of me. Lots of mutual friends, we just hadn’t come across each other. Chat flowed easily and no red flags.

He text me 45 mins after we said ‘goodbye’ saying he had a great time and would like to see me again.

We arranged a second date (dinner) which went equally as well. Dinner turned into drinks and the date lasted 6 hours. We had so much to talk about. Was equal and shared talking, not one sided at all. Clear physical attraction on both sides and at the end of the night he kissed me. During the date he said he wanted to see me again so we arranged a third date during our second date.

We had our third date the next day - we went for a walk, then dinner. We also made out a lot. I felt, again, we got on very well. No red flags. Clear attraction. We left on very good terms (and kissing) and he said he would love to see me again- I said I would love to see him again too. He text me when he got home, I replied. That was late on Saturday night.

However, since then, he has gone cold. Hasn’t initiated a text. I have text him 3 times trying to strike up a conversation. He has replied every time (so he’s not ghosting) but his responses are short and to the point, he doesn’t seek to continue the conversation or ask questions etc. I can just tell the tone has changed. It feels like I’ve done something wrong but I have no idea what.

What should I do? I feel really disappointed to be honest because we did get in so well, we had so much in common and there was clear physical attraction on both sides.

I’m surprised by how the situation has changed.

I’m wondering if he just wants me to disappear but if so why doesn’t he just tell me that or why doesn’t he just refuse to reply to my messages?

OP posts:
famousforwrongreason · 23/09/2020 01:48

Don’t send anymore messages. he’s either gone off dating or more likely found someone he likes more. I often think they drop off if we’re not showing signs of sex straight away.
It hurts and is lazy and rude but it’s how dating goes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2020 01:50

Something's changed for him. He's probably a bit of a coward (as so many of us are) and wants you to disengage so he doesn't have to say it outright.

Stop texting. If he wants to text, he will.

Seagrassorchid · 23/09/2020 01:54

‘Third date rule’ maybe?

I agree with the pp. maybe he’s got bored because sex was not involved. It doesn’t sound as if you have done anything wrong and you clearly got on well.

If he’s making you feel like this after 3 dates.. walk away. He is not all he seems.

Hannsmum · 23/09/2020 01:57

Pls dont text him again. If he has anything to say he would text you

I know hands may be itchy to text but just try not to

Original poster
Grace103 · 23/09/2020 02:08

Thank you all.

So if guys expect me to have sex on the third date, then how am I ever meant to find someone (as I don’t think I would ever be willing to have sex on the third date)?

That’s what I don’t understand. Is it now a requirement to have sex on a third date in order to have a relationship? If so, I’m going to have to start doing that...

It’s disappointing as I’ve been on dating apps for 3 years and this was only the second guy I’ve met in person. I really struggle with matches and even when I do get a match 99% of the time it doesn’t turn into a date. Feeling like I may have to wait another 3 years before I end up on another date, and if I have to sleep with him on the third date to secure him then that’s intimidating!

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 23/09/2020 02:30

That's dreadful. What if you have sex on the third date and then he does this !

Don't text him again. If he gets in touch to arrange another date, then that's fine but if he does not, then you know he was a prick.

DharmaBums · 23/09/2020 02:44

He's not that into you. I'm so sorry. It's harsh but true. Follow your gut instinct and don't text him again

DharmaBums · 23/09/2020 02:45

You're worth more than texting someone who isnt worth it

Opentooffers · 23/09/2020 02:46

Absolutely don't start sleeping with someone on a third date if not comfortable, as that is not likely to keep them any more than not sleeping with them.
In this case it's him not you, he's showing you that he's a man who doesn't behave respectfully. Sex does not equate to attachment for many men and if you had slept together he may have still behaved the same, except you'd like feel worse than you do now.
Could be a multitude of reasons, he may not even be single, or reunited with an ex, so this could have nothing whatsoever to do with you. That he hasn't been honest and said, just shows that you should move on as he's not good enough. Men can and often do disappear, and it's to do with what's going on in their lives, so don't take it personally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2020 02:59

Third date sex isn't compulsory. No sex is compulsory!

Do what you do and the right bloke will be on the same page.

Suzi888 · 23/09/2020 03:04

He’s not going to not text you because you didn’t put out by date three.
I imagine if you had slept with him he would still be responding in this way and you would feel infinitely worse than you do now.
Don’t text again, maybe he isn’t ready for a relationship.
I have a male work colleague, seemingly nice guy, very open, 2 kids, divorced, generous, really wanted a girlfriend, possibly another child and marriage. So signed up to a dating site, had a few dates. Met someone he really liked, but she finished with him after a few dates and he was upset.
One year later he signed up again.
Met someone he described as ‘perfect‘ dated her around five/six times, all good, he seemed happy. We all thought it was the one!
Ended it via text after their final date. He doesn’t even know why Confused. Whether he just likes the dating part or what I don’t know. He said he felt bad and that he was open to staying friends with her, but she blocked him. He’s now decided he’s better off single Hmm and just having female mates!

Sunflower1970 · 23/09/2020 03:13

Don’t text him again. Maybe he has been dating a few people via the app and likes somebody else better. No reflection on you. You say it’s only the second person you’ve been matched with and might take another 3. Years... I’m not being awful just honest - do you think you came across as a bit too keen ? Stick with it be maybe relax a bit x

Catsarelush · 23/09/2020 03:37

Are people on dating apps still having sex on the third date in these times? One nighters and then on to the next?

Sharing saliva and bodily fluids with a practical stranger would put me off. It wouldn’t be worth the risk of catching the virus for me.

Anyway op I don’t think you did anything and it wouldn’t have had anything to do with the sex/lack of.

LadyMinerva · 23/09/2020 03:42

Going against the grain here... Perhaps there is something happening in his life that has him distracted? A death in the family, some pressure at work.. could be anything. And perhaps he doesn't yet have time or feel comfortable to tell you about it.

Don't write him off just yet. Don't contact him anymore either.

Just wait and see and stop jumping to conclusions. It's not going to do you any good.

Flibbitygibbit · 23/09/2020 03:56

Do NOT message again. Remember the old saying “he’s the hunter, you’re the prize”. If he is interested he will be in touch. There’s no excuse for rude manners, he would have messaged if something had happened in his life . This isn’t the one for you. Next !

disappear · 23/09/2020 05:05

Not being willing to have sex on the third date seems to me to be a great way of sorting the time wasters from potential future partners. Consider dates like job interviews. You are looking for the perfect candidate. He didn’t meet the grade. Good luck in your search.

My tip would be not to let first dates last four or six hours. Don’t invest too much of your precious time on a stranger.

category12 · 23/09/2020 05:23

Of course you don't have to have sex on the third date. Ridiculous.

You have sex when you're ready to and want to.

You'd be really upset if you'd shagged him and he didn't want to continue.

Dontletitbeyou · 23/09/2020 07:03

Agree with all the above . If you don’t feel comfortable having sex on the third date , then definitely don’t .
Lots of stories here from women who have met someone ,and after a couple of dates had sex, then the guy has immediately gone cold . That would feel even worse .
Don’t text , if he wants to see you he’ll text . If he doesn’t , he won’t .

Malin52 · 23/09/2020 07:40

@LadyMinerva

Going against the grain here... Perhaps there is something happening in his life that has him distracted? A death in the family, some pressure at work.. could be anything. And perhaps he doesn't yet have time or feel comfortable to tell you about it.

Don't write him off just yet. Don't contact him anymore either.

Just wait and see and stop jumping to conclusions. It's not going to do you any good.

Oh the times I've said this to girlfriends when they've been ghosted. In no situation has it turned out positive.

In each of those situations if you had met someone special then you would either be finding comfort with them or explaining so they didn't think you were not interested.

It became clear to me that if you are interested you will move heaven and earth to contact them and keep in contact. 'Work pressure' doesn't cut it. I've a bloody hard job with long hours where I rarely eat lunch but I would have time to send a quick response to a text, particularly if I was super interested in someone or a new relationship. Surely ones heart skips a beat when you see they communicate!

Sorry I agree with PPs. He's 'just not that into you'. Move on

Sakurami · 23/09/2020 07:48

Dating is about spending time with someone to see where it leads and sometimes it leads you to realise that the person is nice but you don't want to have a relationship with them. Or you may not be the only person he's seeing and prefers someone else.

Don't initiate text again and get on with your life. At the end of the day you barely know him and have only spent a few hours together.

MrsGrindah · 23/09/2020 07:50

Why does he have to be the bad guy? Maybe he’s just changing his mind, or wanting to slow things down and doesn’t know what to say. Just leave it OP . You will soon find out.

user1471565182 · 23/09/2020 07:55

Just look at this way, at least you're out know before you get any emotional investment in it when its already obvious he likes to mess about a bit.

Jeezoh · 23/09/2020 08:09

Have you actually asked him on another date or are you waiting for him to make the first move? Maybe he wants you to initiate things. I’d ask him out and if he says no, there’s your answer.

Original poster
Grace103 · 23/09/2020 10:35

Thanks so much to everyone for your advice.

It’s good to have objective opinions so thank you.

I agree that it must be a case of “he’s just not that into” me which is fine but wish he could just have been honest instead of making me think he was really interested. Oh well, nothing I can do.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/09/2020 12:33

If you'd had sex with him on the third dare, he'd probably still have done this but you'd feel considerably worse.

If he hadn't done this but was only continuing to see you because he knew he'd get sex, you'd just be with someone whose priority is sec a d would probably end up hurt.

Who knows what's going on with him, could be any number of random things. Nowt as queer as folk.

Just be glad you didn't shag him.