Family say husband is controlling and there is emotional abuse

[Veggiegirlx]

Recently it has come to light that none of my family like my DH. This all came out In argument where my sister told me to phone woman's aid as clearly I am being abused.
I don't understand why they are saying this stuff. They have many issues with him. He made it clear to me that he didn't want to holiday with my folks for various reasons but has never stopped me going.
I have asked repeatedly for why they think this and the reasons given have been that he made a few comments about me not keeping the house tidy in front of them( Tbf this is true and they have also made comments in the past)
The other reasons given were that he didn't want me to go on holiday with them to their holiday home in Jersey, he said this was because I didn't discuss with him first and I was bringing our DS. However has now agreed to this.
My DH is currently out of work but we are doing ok financially because he has savings, this was another issue.
DH has never stopped me going out with friends and I go on holiday every year with family.
They say he is selfish because when my parents visit he doesn't pick them up from the airport. Although I pay their taxi.
DH was v rude to my dad which he has apologised for but no one is willing to speak to him.
I am getting constant abuse from my sister about how I am back in his control now. my sister and dad are v close so she has taken this argument v personally. I don't understand as I generally do what I want. According to her , he has caused this argument on purpose to destroy our family.
He shouldn't have been rude to my dad and that was wrong but this all seems too much and is really messing with my mind. Everything I do or say is because I am being controlled( according to them) and I have been in tears all day.

He sounds like a bit of a knob tbh. Why doesn’t he want you going on holiday with them? Or going to their holiday home? Does he often complain about you doing the housework? Why is he not doing the housework if you’re working and he’s not? Why can’t he pick your parents up if he’s got a car instead of making you pay for a taxi for them?

I'm with your family here, sorry.

Why is he out of work ? Could you have picked your parents up from the airport? To be honest as much as a knob that he sounds, it isn't his job to pick your parents up - can't they make their own way to you?

I'm not hearing any evidence of control in what you've said so far. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with people who didn't like me either. He hasn't stopped you doing anything you don't want to do from the sounds of it and you are not isolated from family and friends.

What were the circumstances around him being rude to your dad? What other incidents are they describing?

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I cant drive, we live in London so it's been public transport mostly

@username105
He felt my dad was giving unsolicited advice and was rude. He often doesn't seem to get my dads humour. One day my parents came when we'd just had a baby and my Dad said .. say hello to the rescue party but DH said we don't need rescued and seemed to take it the wrong way.

Did your parents ask to be picked up from the airport? It seems odd to ask that of someone they dislike.

@Scweltish
I am not working either as on mat leave.
He said he was because I had planned going with our DS without discussing it with him

Maybe he's a bit sensitive to them as they seem to criticise him a lot. The 'rescue party' joke may have been seen as a dig at his parenting. People are often very tired and a bit overwhelmed when they have a newborn. Not everyone shares the same sense of humour.

Perhaps your dad was giving unsolicited advice. Your family seem very enmeshed and up in everyone's business. To me it sounds as though your sister and dad don't like to see you in another relationship outside the family.

What was he saying about housework?

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1
No they have never asked but they pick us up when we go to them. The airport is quite close to them though

@username105
Before I was with DH my mum and sister didn't like staying at my place as it was messy. I have always been v untidy this annoys DH. When we went to my sisters place he said why can't you be tidy like this and she laughed but afterwards said it was abuse. TBF he shouldn't have said it

It sounds like they simply don't get on, and your sister is creating a drama about it. She's the one you say is giving you 'constant abuse'.

What's your relationship with your husband like when your family aren't involved? Are you ok making your own decisions/don't feel inhibited by him?

If you are happy with him, but your family keep telling you you're not, or you shouldn't be, then distance yourself from them. If you're not happy with him, take steps to distance yourself from him.

But either way, your sister sounds controlling and manipulative.

That's it? Why can't you be tidy like this? - is seen as abuse. If that's all she's going on, then they both sound a bit nuts to be honest. I'd tell her to back off.

Your family sound very enmeshed. Does your sister have her own life, because she seems really involved in yours.

Your family will ruin your relationship with your husband if you allow this to continue. It is your child who will suffer.

Are you the poster with the racist family whose husband had to walk 7 miles to the airport?

@Vivi0 yes I needed to get a perspective without the race thing as although I think they are racist, they said DH has made me think this as a method of control.
I sent my sister the previous thread and she said I'm s disgusting horrible person who has twisted things to make them seem racist.
To put it in context, a few christmasses ago my cousins BF told an antedote about his grandfather in which his grandfather used the word P@#£. Everyone in the room went silent and I was v annoyed but didn't say anything. On the way back in the car I was v angry and ranted about it in front of my sister and DH. DH was also annoyed. When we got home my sister ran and told my mum who shut us down and said we were overreacting and ruining Christmas. I couldn't understand the reaction. My brother who is the most rational one also said we were overreacting, he had discussed it with his friends who agreed. The only person who could see it from our point of view was an aunt who is quite liberal.
I guess I didn't want to believe they were actually this bad. It's not like they are uneducated either.

Ah! Then this makes sense. There is a stereotype that Asian men are controlling and abusive. They seem to be trying to get him to fit that trope rather than see it as him getting defensive at being criticised all the time.

There's a scene in a Woody Allen film where he is eating dinner at a girlfriend's house, very white, middle class, and he pictures himself as a full on Orthodox Jew as he feels so uncomfortable and judged.

You need to disengage and distance yourself from them OP.

And who gives a FUCK about what a load of white people, who have never experienced racism, think about someone feeling offended when they have. Using the P word is completely out of order and they're doing it to be passive aggressive. The pricks.

It's .

It's hard to say. Your husband sounds useless and that's you giving a positive spin. Seeking permission before you make plans, expecting you to do cleaning as if it was nothing to do with his unemployed self. Refusing to help your family etc but your family could be overbearing and they shouldn't be insulting him.

Thanks @user105 I will watch it

Having been in a similar situation with ex husband and my family I feel your pain. No one here can know if you are being controlled (I would suggest that you probably are but it also seems like you're ok with it). This was my scenario and my family wasn't ok with me being ok with it or not seeing it for what it was. SO, if you're happy with your life you need to tell you family you love and respect them and expect them to love and respect you and your decisions. This also means that you can't complain to them when your husband is being difficult and have to come to terms with them never getting along.

If your husband is being controlling and you do kind of see it, I recommend acknowledging this with him before it's too late. If he's a controlling narcissist, he'll tell you your family is getting to you and this is their issue not his. What starts off as overprotective love soon turns into needing his approval for everything. Any reasonable, rational person who loves you will acknowledge your concerns and try to remedy things. It he becomes completely obtuse then you know he's the problem. Hope it all goes well.

To be honest, to me, your husband doesn’t sound controlling. If my DH planned to take my 8 week old baby away for a week without me, and did not discuss it with me, I would be apoplectic. It is not something that I would have agreed to even if he had discussed it with me.

Your husband being controlling does not negate your family being an obvious problem in their own right.

It sounds like they are controlling and projecting onto your husband.

Why would your husband be okay with you taking your baby to your racist family? I am not surprised he is not keen, and that is not controlling behaviour it is self preservation.

My father’s family significantly contributed to the breakdown of my parents’ marriage. I have no relationship with any of them. Please put your child’s security and well-being first.