Family say husband is controlling and there is emotional abuse

[Veggiegirlx]

Recently it has come to light that none of my family like my DH. This all came out In argument where my sister told me to phone woman's aid as clearly I am being abused.
I don't understand why they are saying this stuff. They have many issues with him. He made it clear to me that he didn't want to holiday with my folks for various reasons but has never stopped me going.
I have asked repeatedly for why they think this and the reasons given have been that he made a few comments about me not keeping the house tidy in front of them( Tbf this is true and they have also made comments in the past)
The other reasons given were that he didn't want me to go on holiday with them to their holiday home in Jersey, he said this was because I didn't discuss with him first and I was bringing our DS. However has now agreed to this.
My DH is currently out of work but we are doing ok financially because he has savings, this was another issue.
DH has never stopped me going out with friends and I go on holiday every year with family.
They say he is selfish because when my parents visit he doesn't pick them up from the airport. Although I pay their taxi.
DH was v rude to my dad which he has apologised for but no one is willing to speak to him.
I am getting constant abuse from my sister about how I am back in his control now. my sister and dad are v close so she has taken this argument v personally. I don't understand as I generally do what I want. According to her , he has caused this argument on purpose to destroy our family.
He shouldn't have been rude to my dad and that was wrong but this all seems too much and is really messing with my mind. Everything I do or say is because I am being controlled( according to them) and I have been in tears all day.

Each thread you post about this, you seem to be taken in more and more by your family’s viewpoint and fail to mention what your husband has said when you’ve both discussed it. You explain their grievances more now, yet in the first post made it clear that they were racist towards your husband and you let him walk to an airport and stayed with your parents.

I don’t think it’s going to be an issue much longer to be honest, as he’ll probably get sick of the treatment by your family and fed up of you seemingly soaking up what they’re telling you like a sponge. Then you won’t need to worry about your family disliking your husband as you won’t have one anymore.

@cocklepops you are right
I hoped by making these posts I could share it with my family and they would see the light. But after yet another comment from my dad about how I shouldn't spend Christmas with my DH's family because they are not Christian, I think I am going to have to distance myself.

I hoped by making these posts I could share it with my family and they would see the light

If they won't listen to and respect you, their daughter/sister, why would the take a blind bit of notice about what strangers on the internet say?

I have to agree with a pp that this won't be a problem for you much longer as your DH will walk away. I would suggest counselling for you OP, your family are enmeshed and you seem stuck in FOG (Fear, guilt, obligation)

I would suggest counselling for you OP, your family are enmeshed and you seem stuck in FOG (Fear, guilt, obligation)

I would second this.

Because @Dontbeme they don't have a high opinion of me and say I am easily led.

But after yet another comment from my dad about how I shouldn't spend Christmas with my DH's family because they are not Christian, I think I am going to have to distance myself.

God they sound horrible.

How many people in the UK now are Christian in their actions e.g. go to church? Not many. Should they be the only ones who enjoy Christmas with loved ones? Should people who ignore religion the rest of the year be banned from Christmas celebrations? Would they say it if your DH was white but not religious? Doesn't sound like it. People who use the p word are vile. It's a hateful term and people know that now. No excuse. They sound controlling, over involved and super critical. If I were your DH I would be so sad that they were by default a part of my life now. I know that probably doesn't help you but getting basically bullied and sidelined by people who are destined to be in your life forever must be fucking miserable.

The control issues are actually from your family. You've clearly married out of their comfort zone and are nitpicking away. They don't have your best interests at heart. It's a shame and it's sad but it's not uncommon.

I think you need to take a firm stance with them - any more negative comments about him and you will go no contact - it's that serious for you. As it's where you'll end up if they don't back off.

He's your husband, the father of your child, it's not a throw away relationship and they are naive if they think your own family won't come before them.

Your family are the problem. It's not just the cousin's bf comment that makes them racist, you gave lots of other examples in your previous thread. I feel really sorry for your husband he shouldn't have to put up with racist comments. And you definitely shouldn't expect him to play nice with your family.

Your OP made him sound like a complete dick but his child is mixed race so I don’t blame him not wanting his son staying with your racist family.

And in the context of racism I can understand why the rescuing thing sounded like a dig.

@username105

And who gives a FUCK about what a load of white people, who have never experienced racism, think about someone feeling offended when they have. Using the P word is completely out of order and they're doing it to be passive aggressive. The pricks.

Who gives a fuck what a load of white people think??? That's extremely racist in itself???

Your family sound like mine. Because my husband has slightly different values to them they constantly try to give unsolicited advice, telling him what he should do. After a few years of this he got fed up and started putting them in their place when they did that.

Of course they didn’t like that and it made them worse.

It’s difficult being caught in the middle but your oh sounds like he’s had enough of them and I think u know he’s right.

He doesn’t sound controlling to me...it sounds like u are messy I don’t think a comment about that means he’s abusive and controlling unless there’s more to it.

I sent my sister the previous thread and she said I'm s disgusting horrible person who has twisted things to make them seem racist

On your last thread you mentioned how they threw him out of their house when you were visiting, and he had to walk to the airport 6-7 hours away in the rain.

You don't seem to have reflected on what posters contributed in that thread - just made another asking the same question "why are they saying these things?"

Your family are RACIST and have made their feelings known to you both - YOU are not listening.
Your dh doesn't stop you contacting/visting your family, but he doesn't want to holiday/visit people who are openly racist towards him in front of his face and he has to keep quiet cos his wife doesn't have his back.

Your family will ALWAYS 'find' probnlems with your husband and will carry on filling your head with shite and run rings round you.....until one day you end up causing the end of your marriage cos you can't see/think for yourself.

There's a saying on MN that "you don't have x problem, you have a DH problem".

In your case it's the other way round.

Your DH has a DW problem.

A wife who won't stand up to her racist family who alienates him and abuses him.

Spin it however you like it's not about like/disliking your DH or believing he controls you/abuses you - it's about the fact you're with him at all.

So crack on with thread after thread.

Show them to your family.

Nothing will change until you decide stop excusing your family's racism or your DH finally calls it quits and leaves you for being complicit in their treatment of him.

I don't hear anything particularly bad in what you've said about your DH.

I would bristle if my Dad had turned up at my door when I'd just had a baby and said "here's the rescue party!". It's patronising and belittling.

And they're complaining you gave them taxi fare from the airport instead of him picking them up... but then made him walk 6-7 hours to the airport? (Sorry if I have that wrong - just going by the info on this thread because I didn't catch your other).

Your family have pushed you into the position of having to chose them or your DH. Your husband is not controlling, he’s voicing his opinions and trying to have them respected. Nothing wrong with that. From what you’ve posted, he hasn’t been rude to your parents and I know I had a few moments with my MIL “giving advice” when I was a new parent. I’m guessing that your dad expects his advice to unreservedly accepted immediately and will not like being ignored. You mentioned something in your last post about him advising what type of formula to use. What was that conversation? Bet he pressed and pressed and when his opinion was rejected he took offence (and that’s regardless of the fact that all formula is effectively the same so what brand you use doesn’t really matter).

Your family are controlling and they’re the ones you should be distancing yourself from. Don’t think they’re ever going to accept him so you need to make a decision on who is in your family. Oh, and I celebrate Christmas and don’t belong to any religion!