I don't even know if I'm being selfish!? I don't want to be.

[CakesRus3]

I had my eldest dd when I was very young. I struggled as I soon became a single parent. Met my exh when dd was 4 and had another 2 dc's. 26, 15 and 13. I have been a single parent for 10 years with no support. My parents have never been the doting grandparents but that was expected. When I divorced, I decided to build a career and went back to study. It took 5 years of hard work, working, study and raising 3 dc's alone. Life was so busy, my youngest have outside of school activities and I nobody to help do the taking and picking up. It was an emotional rollercoaster as i was always financially broke, there seemed to be one problem after another and I was forever exhausted. Won't go into detail as i would be here for a long time typing. Trying to keep it short. Fast forward to today. Qualified 1 year and managed to stabilise myself financially. I can actually pay the bills and buy the dc's a new pair of shoes when needed. Oh and fuel the car at any given time. Im now a grandparent to 2 little people 5 and 3. I have tried as much as I can to be a grandparent that mine never had. However, as my youngest are still quite young, it can be difficult.
I'm now working part time as this fits with family life and after years of stress, my mental health needs the balance. At least until my youngest is an age she can be home alone.
My eldest dd has asked me to have my dgc's on my day off. I agreed as I do not want my dd to struggle with childcare. On my 2nd day (I work 3 long days) off she has asked if I can do the school run. I want to help out. I'm just struggling at the moment due to the previous 6 months (working as a nurse and home schooling). Like many, my mental health has taken its toll. Recently diagnosed with ceoliac in which has been a struggle as I still suffer with symptoms. Gp is still trying to fond out why I'm struggling with my breathing. Also I suffer with a bad back. My youngest has struggled through lockdown and is struggling to go back to school. I have a not so nice boss. To round it all up.....I feel exhausted physically and mentally. However, working on it. I don't want to feel this way.
I have had to cancel having my dc's today as I need to have bloods (waiting list, so waited 2 weeks). I'm also going to a chiropractor who only works on a Tuesday near to where I live (highly recommended so wanted to go with him). Meaning dgc's would have to go home to their dads (my dd's partner) who is working from home and he finds it difficult. I completely understand that. I have mentioned to my dd that she needs to discuss hours where she works as she needs to be flexible around childcare, especially at this time. She explained she doesn't want to lose hours as they will lose money. I understand that too. Her wage gives them a lovely lifestyle and that's all I want is for them to be happy and financially secure. I know how it feels to really struggle financially and with child care when you are trying to work.
Anyway - my problem is, I feel guilty all of the time. Their other Nan is a god send and has them so much and her other dgc's. I feel guilty in thinking, my days off are for catching up with housework (so I can spend time with family on weekends), and appointments etc. Not only that my 2 youngest have out side of school activities starting up again. I always have it in the back of my head 'I don't want to be like my parents, I don't want my dd not liking me as I did not like my parents too much because of the way they were growing up and not being their for their dgc's.' I just feel guilty for wanting to have keep my days open to build a life for myself. As I don't have any hobbies etc. My time is taken up with the house, dc's, activities, trying to have quality time with dgc's and my eldest dd.
I even feel guilty writing this post. I just have nobody to talk to. My parents aren't actually a great role model. They're very selfish people and I fear being them. I fear my dd feeling how I do about my parents.

Have you spoken to your eldest DD about it? I'm sure as she is now a parent herself she will understand how conflicting these feelings can be.

I'm sure she knows that you're trying your hardest for her with what you have.

24TrollTheRespawnJeremy - no I haven't. I'm worried to. She knows I have alot going on and have been struggling. However, not sure she understands completely.

Is this just a problem at the moment because of Covid? Would your dd normally have proper childcare?
Lovely that the other gps are able to help, but presumably they don't then have 4 children to take care of at home? Would you take the gcs at all, or do you just not want them always?

I know a few sets of DGMs doing more childcare than they intended to, or feel able to do, because the other set is doing more.

OP it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you are doing the best you can. If the school run is too much for you, then say No to it.
Your SIL can look after Dcs whilst wfh if he has to, or your DD will have to say no to extra working if it comes at the price of your health.

Much better to say no at the beginning, than agree halfheartedly and then let them down with short notice, which looks like it may have happened here.

It was before covid. It's not tgat I don't want them. I just struggle. I wish I could manage. I'm not sure why, I just feel like I can't manage too much at the moment. Now I have the time to manage things like appointments, I worry about child care for my dgc's. I have spent years juggling childcare myself. It is lovely the other grandparents help. They work also but don't have younger children

Also reading it again. One day childcare is enough. You have your own DCs too - as teens they need some of your emotional energy and you can't provide that if you're working 3 long days and looking after 2 DCs on the other two days.
And do you want to set a precedent? What happens when there are more DGC, will their parents also expect 2 days a week free childcare?

I think you are doing enough - you still have younger kids at home that need you. You’re having the Gkids on your day off. Why cant her DP do the school run if hes working at home? You dont need go feel guilty- i think your DD is asking too much really.

I'm not sure why, I just feel like I can't manage too much at the moment.
I think you've described pretty clearly why you can't manage too much at the moment. You're ill and exhausted.

I worry about child care for my dgc's. I have spent years juggling childcare myself.
You were a single mum, and then with a partner who wasn't your dd's dad, so childcare was difficult for you, yes. But in normal times, why is it so difficult for your dd? I can understand that she doesn't want to give up her job, but normally when both parents work that would involve having to pay for at least some childcare. It's not the norm for the gps to do 5 days a week for free.

The bit I struggled with reading your post was that their dd's partner finds it hard. Tough!

You can still be a supportive GM without giving up everything if you don't want to. My dp's were wonderful with my dc's but really it was on their terms, which at 60 odd I think that was their right. They couldn't/wouldn't commit as they went on holiday a lot.

I think you would become resentful if you did this after years of making a life for yourself.

I think her and her partner are asking too much of you. I hope you work it out.

Have you thought about counselling OP, sounds like you are struggling with feelings of guilt all related back to your family of origin. It might help you to talk it out with a neutral third party. It will give you space to think and untangle all the thoughts in your head. Things may become a bit clearer and you might then feel emotionally stronger and able to approach it with your eldest.

One day is more than enough. You are being very kind.

I have less sympathy for your DD than I might because of this Meaning dgc's would have to go home to their dads (my dd's partner) who is working from home and he finds it difficult.

That as a reason needs a hard stop putting on it as unacceptable. It is not your role to compensate for a man who finds looking after his children to be difficult. It is poor form of your DD to ask. Everyone finds it hard wfh with small children. See my tiny violin.

Frankly, what was the point of you going part time if you then end up working as free childcare so someone else can work full time instead of part time? Nope.

what was the point of you going part time if you then end up working as free childcare so someone else can work full time instead of part time?
This. You were properly part-time for all of 5 minutes; now you're full-time again but in an unpaid position, earning less so that your dd can earn more.

I assume the OP means that DDs partner finds it difficult to work (from home) with the kids there, which is pretty understandable, and not that he finds looking after them “tough.”

Op you don't need to over compensate for your parents not being good parents. That has no relevance to your DC or DGC.
You were a single parent bringing up your kids on your own on one salary.
Your eldest DD has a partner who is also a parent and they have 2 wages coming in.
The other GP's don't still have younger DC at home to look after as you do.
By all means help out with your GC but don't run yourself ragged doing it!
I suspect your DD and DSil don't realise how lucky they are having 2 salaries and 2 sets of GP helping out.
Set time aside for yourself every week where you can. You are still bringing your kids up, it's your DD's responsibility to bring up her's with the support of her DP.

You sound physically and emotionally like you are running on empty.

You need to look after yourself, get yourself right.

You're going to be no use to man nor beast if you get any more run down.

Tell your daughter honestly where you're at, what you're thinking. I hope she'd be quite upset thinking you were running yourself into the ground, and supportive of you doing what you need to do to build yourself back up.

You poor old saus'. I wish I could come round with a casserole, make you a cuppa and get you to put your feet up while I did anything needed doing round the house.

One day of free childcare is more than enough. You're working and still have kids at home. Your daughter needs to sort her life out with her husband. They are her kids. By all means, be involved and offer some help but not at such a high cost.

If I was reading this as if written by my own DM I can tell you I would absolutely not want her to put herself through guilt or taking on too much just to help me. Doing what you can without taking too much from yourself or your own life is more than enough OP and I'm pretty sure your DD would feel the same if you asked her. You're already nothing like your own parents because you're doing what you can (within the limitations of your own life and responsibilities) which it's sounds like you didn't get from them. You want to help which is what matters, now all you have to do is accept the limits on what time/energy you actually have available

Please don’t feel guilty you sound like a lovely mum and nan but you are only one person and can only do so much! You need to put yourself first sometimes.

I think you should have an honest conversation with your daughter and explain all of this to her. Tell her that you are struggling at the moment and I’m sure she will understand.

23mbosnz aww your message almost made me cry. Nobody has ever offered to do that. You are lovely, thankyou.
Thankyou everyone so much for your messages, I appreciate it so much. I would really benefit from counselling, however, money is tight and I'm just trying to sort my back out with a chiropractor privately. It helps talking here, so much. I will one day for sure.
My dsil is a fabulous father and partner to my dd. I feel blessed. They're both amazing parents. He is working from home so would find it difficult. My dd's works in a nursery so she has been lucky with childcare, my dgc have always gone with her for free. I think my dgs plays up when his mum is at work so the less time he is there the easier it is for my dd to manage her work. So, he could go there with her for free.
I have tried to have the conversation, explaining I feel quite run down etc but for some reason they still ask. I do need to have a conversation with my dd, just really worried about it. I sometimes think, I should be just 'coping'. We are terrible for ignoring our own mental health.

Maybe a good way to think about it would be what advice would you give to a friend or your own DD if they were in the same situation? I’m sure you would tell them how important it is to look after their own mental heath and wellbeing.

If they keep asking you then maybe you need to just say no sometimes and do what’s manageable for you? I understand that could be hard but it’s okay to say no to things sometimes for the sake of our own wellbeing but we often feel guilty saying it!

Imagine you became more ill, mentally or physically, as a result of doing too much for DD. How would she feel? Horrified I expect.

Children are used to seeing their parents as superhuman. Spell it out that you are suffering and that's why you went part time.

54Welshgal85 this is a very good way to look at it. I do try to think this way. It's difficult when it's yourself. Thankyou.
57TorkTorkBam yes, maybe. Sometimes people don't realise until tgat actually happens.

I wish I could do it. Someone bloody should, for you. You're incredible with what you've achieved, for yourself and your family, and you deserve to be treasured.

You know the thing about putting on your own oxygen mask before putting on your children's in the event of an aeroplane crash? You really will not be any use to anyone if you do not do what you need to do, to keep yourself from getting seriously either mentally or physically ill.

You need time for yourself! You are still (I assume) reasonably young yourself and you need to have a life. I understand your reasoning but it's time now to put yourself first. I had my children young and I'm mid 40s now with a chronic back issue and sciatica. I know how awful pain is, it's very wearing. Please talk to your daughter. Your other 2 children need you also and to be there for anyone else you need to look after yourself first.

Bit confused about the DGC's going home to 'their dads' and being your DD's partner. Are they actually living together? If not, that's not a partnership, that's either co-parenting or your DD is a single mother also.
Eitheway don't feel guilty, you had it tougher with no help from anyone. Your DD has their Dad and another set of GP's that don't have young DC's ( and there are 2 of them also). You are only one person against 4 other people who are available.
Explain what you are going through to your DD, I'm sure she will be more worried about your health than the free childcare you could provide. She may even be moved to take the pressure off you more, by getting help elsewhere.