I don't even know if I'm being selfish!? I don't want to be.

[CakesRus3]

I had my eldest dd when I was very young. I struggled as I soon became a single parent. Met my exh when dd was 4 and had another 2 dc's. 26, 15 and 13. I have been a single parent for 10 years with no support. My parents have never been the doting grandparents but that was expected. When I divorced, I decided to build a career and went back to study. It took 5 years of hard work, working, study and raising 3 dc's alone. Life was so busy, my youngest have outside of school activities and I nobody to help do the taking and picking up. It was an emotional rollercoaster as i was always financially broke, there seemed to be one problem after another and I was forever exhausted. Won't go into detail as i would be here for a long time typing. Trying to keep it short. Fast forward to today. Qualified 1 year and managed to stabilise myself financially. I can actually pay the bills and buy the dc's a new pair of shoes when needed. Oh and fuel the car at any given time. Im now a grandparent to 2 little people 5 and 3. I have tried as much as I can to be a grandparent that mine never had. However, as my youngest are still quite young, it can be difficult.
I'm now working part time as this fits with family life and after years of stress, my mental health needs the balance. At least until my youngest is an age she can be home alone.
My eldest dd has asked me to have my dgc's on my day off. I agreed as I do not want my dd to struggle with childcare. On my 2nd day (I work 3 long days) off she has asked if I can do the school run. I want to help out. I'm just struggling at the moment due to the previous 6 months (working as a nurse and home schooling). Like many, my mental health has taken its toll. Recently diagnosed with ceoliac in which has been a struggle as I still suffer with symptoms. Gp is still trying to fond out why I'm struggling with my breathing. Also I suffer with a bad back. My youngest has struggled through lockdown and is struggling to go back to school. I have a not so nice boss. To round it all up.....I feel exhausted physically and mentally. However, working on it. I don't want to feel this way.
I have had to cancel having my dc's today as I need to have bloods (waiting list, so waited 2 weeks). I'm also going to a chiropractor who only works on a Tuesday near to where I live (highly recommended so wanted to go with him). Meaning dgc's would have to go home to their dads (my dd's partner) who is working from home and he finds it difficult. I completely understand that. I have mentioned to my dd that she needs to discuss hours where she works as she needs to be flexible around childcare, especially at this time. She explained she doesn't want to lose hours as they will lose money. I understand that too. Her wage gives them a lovely lifestyle and that's all I want is for them to be happy and financially secure. I know how it feels to really struggle financially and with child care when you are trying to work.
Anyway - my problem is, I feel guilty all of the time. Their other Nan is a god send and has them so much and her other dgc's. I feel guilty in thinking, my days off are for catching up with housework (so I can spend time with family on weekends), and appointments etc. Not only that my 2 youngest have out side of school activities starting up again. I always have it in the back of my head 'I don't want to be like my parents, I don't want my dd not liking me as I did not like my parents too much because of the way they were growing up and not being their for their dgc's.' I just feel guilty for wanting to have keep my days open to build a life for myself. As I don't have any hobbies etc. My time is taken up with the house, dc's, activities, trying to have quality time with dgc's and my eldest dd.
I even feel guilty writing this post. I just have nobody to talk to. My parents aren't actually a great role model. They're very selfish people and I fear being them. I fear my dd feeling how I do about my parents.

They live together. Supposed to marry this year but it was cancelled.
I had to cancel next Tuesday having the dgc too as the chiropractor only works near me on that day. I don't think my dd was too happy. Apparently she is unable to take younger dgc with her as the numbers are too high in her nursery. Also it takes half hour out of dsil' s day to collect eldest dgc. I did say that she maybe needs to talk to her manager about a little bit of flexibility as surely at this time employers have to be. My dsil employer should also. Anyway, she didn't come back to me after that. I'm still in a little pain with my back and my car is in the garage at the moment so no car. That's going to cost me 1000 pound to fix so I haven't had time to feel guilty. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days now.

You can't give more than you have to give. Two working adults can work out the childcare. Your younger children need you and you need time for yourself.

I think you need to change the arrangement right now so you only commit to what you can comfortably do.

TBH letting her down with short notice and then telling her what her employers should be doing would be annoying- and I'm totally on your side.

Stop being a pushover email or text and say that going forward you can do one day a week - if indeed you can - with no school runs. You love her and DGCs dearly but you cannot overcommit and you have to consider your DCs living at home and your own health. Do not say anything about what DSIL should be doing or employers - that's up to them to figure out.

OP in your shoes with health and mental health issues, I would not be offering school picks or free childcare for anyone.

You need to tell your daughter about the health issues and work out what you can realistically do, if anything.

You need to make friends and have fun. That is not selfish.

Hugs. You poor thing. Your story reminds me of the ladies I used to see at Slimming World who would confess to difficulty with healthy eating because ... they were working two jobs and shuttling to the hospital to see sick parents while looking after young grandchildren ... no surprise they had not time to wash a lettuce! It's women like you that hold the world together.
Talk to your daughter. If in doubt, cry Work out what you can sensibly, reliably achieve and stick to that for now. It helps no-one if you take on too much and just get sicker.

It is short notice but my back is really bad. I had no choice. All i said was employers have to be a little understanding at this time. I was trying to help, trying to look at different ways to manage.
GreenRoadSigns that's a nice thing to say, thankyou.
I do feel guilty wanting to put myself first because my dm was a very selfish (still is) person. It's like, I don't know how much to put myself first. My dc's are all I think about, making sure they're happy. To a point where it's constantly on my mind.
As I haven't heard off my dd and the worry she will be annoyed at me, I'm considering cancelling the chiropractor. It's like I can't live with that feeling. I also know, I'm struggling with my mental health because everything is so overwhelming.

That's really not healthy for any of you. She probably is annoyed because she's gotten used to you someone problems for her. If she's got two kids she needs to get over that and figure it out for herself.

If you want to reach out, then do so to apologize for the short notice but do not give in to helping at your own expense. Prioritize yourself and your health for a change.

*sorting out problems

Have you spoken to your eldest DD about it? I'm sure as she is now a parent herself she will understand how conflicting these feelings can be.
No she probably won't.

@CakesRus3 I really feel for you. I have a baby (DD is 9 months) and I'm just heading back to work. Like you, DPIL are young and offered to have her two days a week for childcare. I am so aware of what they are doing and the toll it will take on them (both retired early) if they felt the way you did I would absolutely hold no resentment over it and want to rectify it immediately. They are GP not parents, which means they must get the joyous parts without having to worry about childcare or being run ragged or exhausted with it. That's my responsibility as I'm the parent (and DH obviously).
At the moment we are trialling days to get DD used to being there and I've had to spend my KItT days working from their house (normally WFH) as DD is suffering terrible SA and I don't think it's in any way fair to leave them with a crying baby all day. That's not what they signed up for.
Also I would be mortified if they had to tell me they couldn't cope - I'm hyper aware of the situation as DD is at a difficult stage and if they said they had an appointment or something and it became clear they couldn't fully commit to the days we had discussed I would already have a back up plan to implement without making them feel guilty. I would be really upset if they felt I was ignoring them and still sending DD even if they were struggling - I hope your daughter feels the same.

If your daughter keeps asking you do need to spell it out. She needs to know you cannot cope with your grandchildren on a regular basis.

I think just say no. Explain why. If she asks again just say no. Explain why.

Your priorities should be you (your health) and your dependant children. Don’t give too much of yourself when you still have kids to look after, teens are tricky if you take your eye off the ball!

Have you spoken to your eldest DD about it? I'm sure as she is now a parent herself she will understand how conflicting these feelings can be.
I wouldn't bet on that.

I think you need to sit down with your DD and have a frank conversation. You still have two children to look after already, plus everything else. You just can’t run around after her too. Talk it through completely,,,if she gets annoyed, that’s down to her.
I think saying yes to her, but having to cancel all the time would be worse, and cause more hassle and resentment for her, and guilt for you.

Hi OP, I don’t think you sound selfish at all. The opposite in fact. From an outside perspective it sounds like your DD is taking you for granted - I’m not saying she’s a bad person but just that she might be wrapped up in her own life and not giving proper thought to your struggles. You deserve to have a break and time to relax.

If I was you I’d talk to your DD. Be as honest as you can. I don’t think it’s right that you should be run ragged to keep everybody else’s life going along nicely.

Unfortunately you being the most loving and amazing mum always putting yourself last means that your DD doesnt see you as having your own needs and doesn't understand life is and was hard for you. She is a little bit selfish unfortunately and a little spoilt. This happens with parents who sacrifice everything and pretend everything is ok all of the time.

Now she's not talking to you and I'm afraid that's a little childish and controlling. But she is only 26 and life has yet to kick her in the teeth. So hopefully that will change but this is the time to let her be an adult instead of running after her.

So firstly you need to explain to her exactly how bad it is. You need to not promise anything and set the expectations early rather than then not be able to fulfill them. Have a very clear conversation about how much you struggled, what you gave up, and your current health and finances. And explain that you can't do the childcare she wants but you can do x. She needs to see you as a person with their own struggles.

You also need to look after yourself because when you get older she will not be looking after you. If you compromise your earning ability or health she won't be picking up the pieces. I sound very damning of her and I'm not. You've done a great job. But now you need to look after yourself because keep this up and you won't be there for her at all.