Go back to ex and not have kids or go it alone

[soloandconfused]

In the effort of not writing an entire essay I’ll try and be concise. For a long time I had an idea of what I wanted out of a relationship, started to think it didn’t exist and then lo and behold met my ex. He was perfect, he was everything I wanted, treat me perfectly was the most lovely, thoughtful and caring person I’ve ever met. The only (rather large problem) that transpired was a couple of years down the line he decided he didn’t want children. I did want children so we split. We’re still friends and get on great.

I’ve tried dating numerous times since the split with my ex and I just can’t find anyone I click with at all, I find myself comparing them to my ex and it just doesn’t work out. I’m aware that I’m not getting any younger so my real only other option would be to go it alone. My only problems with this are the fact I miss being in a (happy) relationship and also despite the fact I have a decent job/own place etc... and could save for treatment I’m aware that raising a child alone would be a huge financial difficulty and I worry that I’m being selfish willingly going forward as a single mother when I wouldn’t be able to provide as much for a child financially as I could in a relationship. I know plenty of women manage as single parents but I wonder how different this in when you knowingly go into the situation of being a single parent and whether that’s fair on a child.

Ultimately I would love a child, but I worry it’s selfish of me to go it alone on any future child and I don’t want to settle in a relationship (which wouldn’t be fair on anyone) just for the sake of having a baby. I know there’s still something there with my ex and we could probably get back together, I’m also aware that I don’t think anyone else will ever make me as happy as my ex did.

Essentially I’m really conflicted with how I’m feeling and whether I want a child or a happy relationship more because apparently I can’t have both. Any rational advice would be super helpful

Go for the child alone. Hands down. Wish I’d done that. You know how high the divorce rate is right? If arelationship comes then cool but you know you want a child and that will never disappoint. My personal opinion. Having kids is THE best thing I ever did. My marriage...meh....

How old are you? If you’re 20’s the advice should be different to if you are approaching 40’s

and how long have you been split from your ex?

It won’t be a happy relationship, ultimately, because your heart’s desire is not being met.

@beachydreams is right - your age is key here. Does it have be your ex or single motherhood, or can you look to take some time and space and look to meet someone else who would like a family?

How old is "not getting any younger"?
I personally wouldn't go it alone but maybe because I have no family support living anywhere near, my job involves long hours not compatible with childcare and there are times I need a break. However, with family support and a job which was flexible it wouldn't be so daunting.
I also wouldn't advise going back to your ex as I would worry you might resent him in years to come. Does he want to get back together? Is he certain about the no children?
Unless you are over 40 I would say there is absolutely time to meet someone who you are compatible with and who does want a family.

@Imissmoominmama

It won’t be a happy relationship, ultimately, because your heart’s desire is not being met.

This. Very much. You'll grow to resent him.

Have the baby best thing I ever did and I’m not with her dad.

Having a baby puts enormous pressure on a relationship. Going it alone is very hard, but you do only have to think about you and the baby, not manage the emotions/issues of another person around the change in dynamics too.
I agree your age matters here. But if you go it alone there is always the chance of meeting someone new or even rekindling your old relationship after some time of maturation. If you go back to your ex and give up your dream of having a family then that relationship will never be what it once was - could you really love a man, wholly, who has asked you to sacrifice something so huge? You will end up resenting him and yourself. Long term I can't imagine that would work out happily

I’m 28, which sounds young but both my mother and grandmother went through early menopause in their mid 30’s so genetically speaking, time probably isn’t on my side.

I’ve been split with my ex for around 18 months. I’ve been on so many dates and nothing’s even come close to how I felt with him which I guess takes time but I’m starting to lose faith in the whole thing. In fairness my ex hasn’t asked me to change my mind but sometimes I think it would be the easiest thing. Aside from the having kids thing I’ve never been as happy as I was with him which I guess is what I’m struggling to get my head around.

Is he now in a relationship?

@thinkingcapon No, he’s definitely single. As far as I’m aware he hasn’t even tried dating since we split (although I could be wrong of course).

Ok.....listen I don't want to answer your question as sometimes you take one persons advice and go with it 😂 plus I'm sure I'd go against everyone else on here!

I will say though that relationships tend not to work second time round.........

Firstly look at getting your fertility checked out and seeing if you could freeze your eggs. This will give you more time to see how things pan out and options.
Don’t get back into that relationship, he is unlikely to change his mind (why should he) and you will waste more years of your life. You could never be happy and as others have said you would start to resent him.
You can’t keep thinking you’ll never find anyone else you can be happy with. You need to seriously consider whether to completely cut off your ex so that you can try and move on from him. Whilst he is still in your life as a friend it is stopping you from moving on. Therefore anybody else you meet doesn’t stand a chance.
You are young and have time to find someone else. If not, have a baby on your own because you will regret it otherwise.

Have you considered egg freezing? It could buy you some more time rather than feeling it's now or never.
In my experience there are three groups of people that don't want children a) those that don't and stick to that b) those who say they don't at 20 something but change their mind when they get older (seeing siblings/good friends having kids can kick start a sense of missing out) c) those that actually mean I don't want children with you and go on to have a family in another relationship. The problem is there is a way to tell which type someone is and it's unfair to resent someone for not changing their mind.

I would speak to your ex and tell him you still have feelings for him. Why did he not want children OP?

Time is ticking and you most likely don’t have time to wait until your nearing 40. Your right about when you said it will be harder to plan being a single mum... but that’s life you would get by like us all OP.

I feel similar as I only have my DS and I really wanted him to have a sibling.

A friend once told me it’s better to regret, then not regret doing something. Personally it’s usually the case!

Is he also quite young? If he's also in his 20s, he's got many years of fatherhood being a possibility.

I wouldn't compromise on children but I wouldn't be with someone I didnt love and have children with them.

I say carry on dating and you will more than likely meet someone for you. I'm 50 and have had 4 long term relationships in my life with men I absolutely loved and I have recently met the most incredible guy. If you are open to a relationship, there will be someone. There are many men in the world

No, he was actually 10 years older than I am so 38. He just said it’s not for him, he’s never wanted children- which is fair enough. Each to their own. He was getting referred for a vasectomy when we split up

Given your family history looking at egg freezing or egg donation maybe a way forwards.
The next issue is your ex. Do you want to meet someone else? You have a fixation that he's perfect but he isn't, fundamentally he wants something completely different to you. He sees his life projecting in a different direction to how you see yours. He will have a life plan that doesn't involve children that affects everything, affluence travel work retirement You want very different things and if you really want children then you will have a different vision.
When you picture a family do you see a unit or do you see a picture of you and a baby. What support structure will you have to go it alone?

The feeling of wanting a child will not go away. Resentment will build if you get back with your ex.

You say "aside from the having kids thing"' which probably feels like a single issue now, when you're 28 and a lot of other people don't have them, but by the time you're 10 years ahead you will certainly find that it becomes everything, not just a small "thing".

It's not worth looking backwards as this is clearly so important to you that you've already started planning your life around it at a younger age.

Definitely get your fertility checked out; see what your own personal situation is. And try to keep hopeful in terms of dating. There's no harm in exploring the options for going it alone at the same time.

Just keep in mind that while in the past you were never happier than with your ex, there's absolutely no way you can say that in terms of your future. You shouldn't - and don't - have to compromise on your desire to have children to sustain a happy relationship.

Would you not be able to meet up with him and have a talk, tell him you can't get him out of your head you love him your relationship is perfect. Would there be any room for negotiation. Even just one child. Someone I know did this they had one son as he didn't want to lose her either. X

In theory it sounds like a good idea @copperoliver - but isn't the risk that OP then has a child with a man who is a useless, disengaged dad and she has to do everything with the childcare etc. That way resentment lies anyway. So she's lost the perfect relationship she felt she had either way? That would be my worry.

Don't settle for a relationship that ultimately cannot fulfil you

I’d actually never considered egg freezing. That might be something to look into. I’ve had a few fertility tests on the NHS and my AMH level done privately which looks fine which is promising.

I think my family would be quite supportive if I did go it alone. I’m a teacher so whilst not the best paid job, it’s relatively stable and helpful in terms of not needing to fork out for childcare in the holidays! I think I would be perfectly happy to go it alone, I’d rather that than be with someone I’m not happy with but I worry more that I’m depriving a child of that family unit and I’m not sure that’s a fair thing to do.

I don’t think there’s any room for negotiation with my ex, nor would I expect him to agree to something like that and I do worry about the resentment like previous people have said I guess I’m just having a heard time letting go of those feelings which is probably making me not open to meeting someone new which is slightly problematic given the circumstances!