Go back to ex and not have kids or go it alone

[soloandconfused]

In the effort of not writing an entire essay I’ll try and be concise. For a long time I had an idea of what I wanted out of a relationship, started to think it didn’t exist and then lo and behold met my ex. He was perfect, he was everything I wanted, treat me perfectly was the most lovely, thoughtful and caring person I’ve ever met. The only (rather large problem) that transpired was a couple of years down the line he decided he didn’t want children. I did want children so we split. We’re still friends and get on great.

I’ve tried dating numerous times since the split with my ex and I just can’t find anyone I click with at all, I find myself comparing them to my ex and it just doesn’t work out. I’m aware that I’m not getting any younger so my real only other option would be to go it alone. My only problems with this are the fact I miss being in a (happy) relationship and also despite the fact I have a decent job/own place etc... and could save for treatment I’m aware that raising a child alone would be a huge financial difficulty and I worry that I’m being selfish willingly going forward as a single mother when I wouldn’t be able to provide as much for a child financially as I could in a relationship. I know plenty of women manage as single parents but I wonder how different this in when you knowingly go into the situation of being a single parent and whether that’s fair on a child.

Ultimately I would love a child, but I worry it’s selfish of me to go it alone on any future child and I don’t want to settle in a relationship (which wouldn’t be fair on anyone) just for the sake of having a baby. I know there’s still something there with my ex and we could probably get back together, I’m also aware that I don’t think anyone else will ever make me as happy as my ex did.

Essentially I’m really conflicted with how I’m feeling and whether I want a child or a happy relationship more because apparently I can’t have both. Any rational advice would be super helpful

I don't think you'll ever fall in love with someone else while you're still in contact with your ex.

I think you should cut contact with your ex. I think the friendship is holding you back and the sense of having one foot still in the door means you haven't moved on.

I would choose having children over a relationship every time.

You’re not depriving a child of anything if you go it alone - families come in all shapes and sizes. Having a dad in the picture doesn’t always equal happy families, and having a loving supportive wider family is a lot more than many kids have. Yours will be fine.

I agree about freezing your eggs to take the biological pressure off, if you’re ready at this point in your life to be a mum, it would be easier and cheaper to go it alone on the sperm donor route now than to get into IVF at a later date. If it’s only the prospect of early menopause looming then egg freezing will give you the space to make the right decision for you, but I wouldn’t let it put you off the idea of going it alone altogether.

Having children is not a single issue - it affects everything in your life. So you and ex want 2 very different lives. It's so fundamental that there is no way you can mend that rift. So.... cross your ex off the list of options.

I think you are missing the option where you meet someone compatible and have a family together. You are still in rebound from a relationship that was really not perfect. You are only 28.

You also seem to think that once you have a child alone, you will never find a partner. This isn't true. You may have a baby and then meet someone later with children of their own or who simply wants a family.

@Sidewinder30

Having children is not a single issue - it affects everything in your life. So you and ex want 2 very different lives. It's so fundamental that there is no way you can mend that rift. So.... cross your ex off the list of options.

I think you are missing the option where you meet someone compatible and have a family together. You are still in rebound from a relationship that was really not perfect. You are only 28.

You also seem to think that once you have a child alone, you will never find a partner. This isn't true. You may have a baby and then meet someone later with children of their own or who simply wants a family.

Yes OP may meet someone who wants a family of their own but that’s no good if she can’t conceive. It’s a gamble from all angles.

The thing about freezing eggs is, it is not cheap, nor is it guaranteed (nor the most fun procedure). It gets thrown around as an option, but it's not really that great a safety net.

Your ex seems very certain he doesn't want kids, so if went ahead with the vasectomy then you know for sure there won't be children. I think frustrating as it is dating, keep with it, you do have time on your side, I think you will be glad to hold out and wait for a relationship with someone that wants the same as you.

You’re not depriving a child of anything if you go it alone

Except a father??!

Go it alone. Not wanted to sound cynical but a lot of relationships don't work out, imagine divorcing him 15 years down the line, being divorced and no kids.

I say be a single Mum, I was for a vast majority of my dds life and we were fine. I felt fulfilled and happy, I managed to have a good career and still raise my dd to become a lovely lady