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Original poster

Right, so if your dh suddenly decides he hates his new job and everything points to a major life change... HELP

48 replies

Piffle · 09/10/2007 14:00

Ok briefly
dp changed job after 8 years with same company as they wanted him to live away from home 4 days per week (we have 13yr old ds1 5yo dd and 6mth old ds2 I am SAHM)

He now commutes 4 hrs a day 2 each way to new job, more money but all money is sucked on travelling.
He was meant to be able to work 8-4.30 but guess what...
is home before 8pm most nights

But upshot is he loathes the job and is very very upset about it. He has stated he is not cut out to be an exec in a big company, he wants small company again.

He could easily walk back into old job but the away from home thing bothers both of us...
We live in Sth Lincs, so wages here are not as high as he would get at going back to old job (he tranferred from down sth when we moved up here from Hants)
We have a big house - bigger than we need tbh
So the upshot is this

We are considering downsizing majorly
we can do that around here and keep ds in his good grammar school and dd in her perfect little village primary (she has some minor SN)

Or selling up and legging it to NZ, but as ds1's natural father and wife are expecting a baby dec this year and ds1 is very close to his dad, this would seem cruel

Am so unsure what to do and how to support dp

Has anyone ever faced anything similar?

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 09/10/2007 14:16

Oh how horrid for you. I think you need to support him in whatever he wants to do - you cant make that discision for him.

If you like the area then i think downsizing is a good idea - i have had the big house and although it is great at times it really does not make you happy.

If your dh got a local job and you downsized you could have more time together and maybe find other things to do.

Good luck and hope it all works out.

Original poster
Piffle · 09/10/2007 16:00

Thanks, it is def do able, only issue is we need to spend 8-10k on this place in order to sell it
and terrible time of year to sell as well...
DP is the most laidback of men but he is so unhappy atm

OP posts:
bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:12

ok. i think you need to flesh out his exit strategy a bit more. how much longer can he stick the job? a day? a week? a month? longer? that is your planning horizon. do you have any savings? these could be used to fund the work on the house and obviously to fill the gap while your dh is not working. could you remortgage the house instead? or go interest only? have you been on to moneysavingexpert.com to work out where you can squeeze your costs down? could you get a job? could you get a lodger? the best way to support dh (imvho) is to keep calm and help him work out the best strategy to achieve your goals.

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:13

good luck and hth.

wish dh would help me quit my job, but why would he?

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2007 16:13

I think you don't have to do anything immediately. I wouldn't move to NZ given that ds's father is here. My ex dh would be understandably most upset if I emigrated, taking our son with me.

Is there a middle ground? Could he

a) renegotiate in his new co. Tell them what he doesn't like and see if it can be changed? He's not nothing to lose if the alternative is leaving
b) renegotiate with old co on same basis, i.e. compromise and agree to go back but less time away
c) look for job c nearer to home even if less £
d) could you consider working oth at some point? And if so, would it make life easier, i.e. allow dh to take something with less £?

What does he hate about new job? Can we help?

You don't have to spend £10k to sell, someone will see the potential if you want to sell. But I do think the market is about to go down majorly (only imo though, lots of people disagree). Or could you move, rent out your house (would rent cover mortgage) as another option? That would only help though if you knew where you wanted to be.

It sounds horrible, I've done drving 2 hours per day each way to work (and being away from home in the week) and it's not funny at all.

I think he should have a think about what's wrong in new co and whether it could be fixed and/or renegotiatd first though. And all is not lost, if he's getting more money than in his old role the worst that's happened is he's increased his market value and can ask for the same or more in a new job.

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:13

could your dh go back to his old job and work from home?

Original poster
Piffle · 09/10/2007 16:14

well notice period is 3 months, so he has said he is prepared to give it til xmas to see if it improves, how much he can change it...
If nothing doing then he wants to leave, so that takes us up to March/April

this gives us 6 mths, which when it comes to selling and moving, is about right as we have kitchen work and stuff to do here and we'd need to let it linger on the market as market is a bit slow here.

OP posts:
bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:15

agree with www - the simplest thing is for him to renegotiate t&c in his current job if possible.

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2007 16:15

I'm on 3 months notice but just gave a month, it's ALWAYS negotiable imo!

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:16

also agree with www - you don't need to spend to sell...

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:17

imho, he can't be that miserable if he is saying another 6m!

Original poster
Piffle · 09/10/2007 16:19

oh x posts

We could sell undone I guess, kitchen not that bad, but in house this price (£265k)

We can still get smaller 4 beds around here for £180k upwards, as wel are semi rural small town, work for me is local supermarkets and given the cost of childcare... makes it a no brainer. Also the jobs have waiting lists for school hours, no guesses why!

He has one contact who might be able to offer work from home, with some overseas travel from time to time and the odd trip tp Reading... He will be chasing that up
His old job DEF no work from home, he is a project manager so has to be onsite most days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piffle · 09/10/2007 16:21

If he can get something else offered he has said he will pay them the 3 mths bloody money
Trust me my do is calm, careful and very cautious, 6 mths time is overnight rash decision to him
He is also very worried about how it will look on his CV

I am trying to recall this as the conversation was at 3am this morning til 5.45am

OP posts:
BOOquets · 09/10/2007 16:22

My dh had 10wks off work this summer with stress-related illness from hating job (only has 2hr commute though so many sympathies Piffle).
If you can downsize and stay in the same place then I would definitely consider it, have done the maths and for us we'd have to move out of catchment. If you can reduce your mortgage and he can renegotiate his job a bit, he may feel a bit free-er and maybe even stay there.

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:22

what kind of project management does he do? is it construction?

Notyummy · 09/10/2007 16:30

Piffle

Hi....its the person from around the corner who should have phoned you weeks ago and didn't I left you a message yesterday on the Lincoln meetups thread!

Anyhoo...firstly I have in the past been deeply unhappy in a job which paid loads but didn't suit me and dp (at the time; now dh) supported me completely in a change, so I can understand you wanting to do your best to help your dp.

As you say, there are 4 beds around here at a good price, so that should help. You could probably find something within half a miles radius tbh to avoid disturbing dcs school/friends.

In addition, with the work thing...have you considered the council. There are part time jobs avilable here which pay ok (not loads, but well above minimum wage), and they belong to a childcare voucher scheme, which I use. Its about 5 minutes by car from my house....or 10/15 mins walking! I started her when dd was 6 months old and they are VERY family friendly. Understanding id dc are ill, term time only working agreements etc etc.

Worth a thought.

HTH

Contact me on my email if you think I can help.

Original poster
Piffle · 09/10/2007 16:33

Thanks notyummy (kids are sick as pigs so am bloody housebound - the baby is fine he is going stir crazy along with me...)
WE specifically moved here so that I could be a SAHM as that's what we both wanted. That said when it comes to the crunch you do what you have to do.
No BK it's very high tech ermmm, how can I say sort of defency computery high tech stuff...
if I knew the half of it he'd have to kill me, think it's like that

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 09/10/2007 16:34

If he's an IT PM he really will be able to get other work. Could he go contracting? Lots more money usually and you get to call the shots to an extent re what hours you will and won't do, as long as you negotiate up front.

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:35

ooh - in hampshire? is he pmp? with defence experience he could easily become a consultant/trainer/troubleshooter. that would in all likelihood mean travelling, but he could take breaks between contracts...

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2007 16:35

And all cvs are ok with a blip on them - he was in a job for a long time in last role, one job that didn't suit him is fine imo, it really won't be looked on badly ime

bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:36

does it begin with an s...?

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2007 16:36

bk, spooky x posts from us on this thread

Original poster
Piffle · 09/10/2007 16:37

Not up here though WWW he would have to commute again and I think he wants to step backwards a bit. I know it's more than IT as he is so specialised I'm so ignorant about it tbh...

OP posts:
bossykate · 09/10/2007 16:37

ime, what you need for a cv "blip" is a good exit statement - i.e. there was a good reason for leaving which was well thought through etc etc.

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2007 16:37

Agree bk re exit statement