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Original poster

Argument escalated out of nowhere. AIBU?

35 replies

HiccupDiccup · 21/09/2020 17:00

Driving to do the big shop with DP, who is quite frugal with certain things and then an overspender in other things.

He will not put the aircon on in the car because it costs more in fuel to run. So we drive round with the windows down constantly. He pulls up at his work to collect a parcel, leaving me in the car for five minutes with the blaring sun (albeit only 20 degrees today but it was hot in the car with no air conditioning!) he leaves the office and talks to a colleague for a few mins so I shout "babe can you hurry up? I'm really hot!)

He gets in the car and starts shouting at me (normal for him, the second someone says something he doesn't like he shouts) and tells me to stop fucking moaning about aircon. It's not because he's tight, it's because aircon is dirty. Now at this point I'm raging because of the way he spoke to me. Anyway, further down the road he apologies but I'm annoyed at the fact that every time someone says something to him, he flips his lid. So I just said "ok".

We get in the shop and I'm asking what he wants and he's like "nothing" so I dump the trolley and go home.

Now we're not talking. I'm annoyed at having this scenario every time I say something he doesn't like. AIBU?

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 21/09/2020 17:09

No.
But long term sulking wont help you. You need to be able to have a grown up conversation with each other when you disagree. Will he talk reasonably to you about how you argue when he's calm?

category12 · 21/09/2020 17:15

Is it often like this?

frazzledasarock · 21/09/2020 17:16

He sounds horrible.

How long have you been together, do you have kids?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/09/2020 17:17

He gets in the car and starts shouting at me (normal for him, the second someone says something he doesn't like he shouts)

This would be enough for me to call time on the relationship. Someone whose default reaction is shouting is just, frankly, boring. If he's not intelligent and well balanced enough to hear criticism then what hope is there?

WhatWouldJKRDo · 21/09/2020 17:18

Why are you with someone who treats you like that?

Original poster
HiccupDiccup · 21/09/2020 17:33

I'm not usually the type to "sulk" although the I think that's the wrong word... I'm not sulking, I'm just fucking annoyed that I have to put up with being spoken to like rubbish every time I say something he doesn't like. Then he apologises and it's just not on.

He's 90% lovely and 10% stubborn and nasty.

We don't have any kids.

I love him to bits but I'm at the end of my tether of being spoken to like crap every couple of weeks.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/09/2020 17:35

I'd bail while you can, while you don't have kids and everything you have together can be easily undone.

You wouldn't drink a cup of lovely coffee that was 10% shit.

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/09/2020 17:37

Sulking was my word so ignore it if it's the wrong one. Of course you are fed up of being spoken to like this.

An apology is not enough if nothing changes. He needs to address this seriously or honestly, love him or not, leave. Because otherwise you will eventually hate him.

TorkTorkBam · 21/09/2020 17:38

Why on earth do you stay with him.

10% nasty? Being shouted at fortnightly? That is LOADS.

I say things my DH doesn't like most days (and vice versa). I can't imagine moderating myself so much that he agrees with everything I say 100% for two whole weeks.

Have you become a beige opinion free no thinking allowed zombie woman?

Original poster
HiccupDiccup · 21/09/2020 17:38

Now we're sat at home, he's watching TV without a care in the world and I'm in bed almost crying.

I get myself so upset and it's not happening anymore.

OP posts:
GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 21/09/2020 17:39

Why does he get to decide whether you have the aircon switched off? That is disgustingly controlling. Your opinion clearly doesn't count to him. I'm guessing it's his car that he pays for from his money. I've honestly never heard of someone not using a car aircon. He's happy for you to be uncomfortable. I don't buy the reason about dirt being blown around. Seems like you're not worthy enough in his eyes for him to 'pay' for aircon for you and he's keeping you in your place by controlling you.

I bet that when you shouted to him at his work, he realised that his colleague might have wondered why you're not using the aircon. He knows he's being abusive and was pissed off that his colleague might twig. Hence the silent treatment in the supermarket.

There will be many other ways that he controls you and emotionally abuses you. Leave him OP.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 21/09/2020 17:41

Now we're sat at home, he's watching TV without a care in the world and I'm in bed almost crying.

So sorry this is happening. This is not acceptable.

Do you have children? Please leave him OP. Life should be much better than this.

fuzzymoon · 21/09/2020 17:44

You two need a conversation when neither of you are angry about how he talks to you.

He obviously can see what he's doing is wrong. You need a discussion about him not doing it. If he can't change then that's another discussion.

Also why does his decision stand and your opinion doesn't ?I don't get it.

Why when he decides no air con you accept no air con. Why couldn't you switch the air con on as you were hot ?

There's something wrong with him making decisions and you accepting it.

icode · 21/09/2020 17:47

He is abusive.

You need to leave this relationship. No relationship should leave you feeling shit every couple of week.

... and the air con thing - wtf tight tosser

Luckingfovely · 21/09/2020 17:57

This is not a happy, healthy, balanced or normal relationship.

The choices are really simple - do you want to be treated like this forever ( and x a million if you get married & have kids)?

Or get out now, maybe decide if you need to work a little on your own self esteem and boundaries, and later on settle down with someone else who actually likes you and treats you like a human being?

EatDessertFirst · 21/09/2020 17:59

Be glad you don't have children to this sulky, shouty, tight fisted man child.

Leave the controlling wanker before it gets worse.

widespreadpanic · 21/09/2020 18:15

Nope. He sounds insufferable.

The extra fuel used is minuscule so he sounds cheap and pig headed. Plus what man would let his partner suffer to save a few ounces of fuel? LTB

Arrivederla · 21/09/2020 18:17

This is not going to improve, is it op? Sad

willowmelangell · 21/09/2020 18:22

He says sorry and nothing changes. Almost as if he is not actually sorry.
Well done for calling him out on the sulky "nothing" comment. I so wish that had been my go to, instead of pleading and placating.

TwilightSkies · 21/09/2020 18:23

He’s horrible! You should feel safe expressing your emotions and opinions. This is not a healthy relationship.
Works out nicely for him though, he gets to be a nasty twat with no consequences.

Feminist10101 · 21/09/2020 18:25

He will not put the aircon on in the car because it costs more in fuel to run. So we drive round with the windows down constantly.

Increased drag due to windows down will probably cost as much (if not more) in fuel.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/09/2020 18:27

So you just get no say in whether you are allowed air con or not? He's weird and nasty.

anotherdisaster · 21/09/2020 18:31

90% lovely isn't true though is it? Many women backtrack when people start to tell them how it is.
If he was 'lovely' he wouldn't react like that over something so trivial, he sounds like he has anger issues. I bet he's controlling with money in general.
My ex was a bit like this - not so much with the shouting but he was always moaning and miserable and hated it if I every criticized or disagreed with him. He was also VERY tight with money. He would have happily let me pay for everything but would still moan he had no money.
It really doesn't sound healthy and he's not treating you very well.
-+

Scweltish · 21/09/2020 18:41

He’s not lovely, he’s a tight fisted, anise prick. Even horrible people aren’t horrible all the time. If he’s capable of being nasty to you on a regular basis, then that’s what he is. Please don’t have children with this man, it’ll get so much worse

user1498572889 · 21/09/2020 19:34

Just tell him to stop behaving like a fucking Pratt or you will leave him. Next time just put the air con on for god sake.

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