Discussing the future

[realist252]

I am feeling very anxious and not really myself at the moment - mainly due to covid restrictions lasting so long/missing my old life and unhappiness in my job, and these anxieties seem to be transferring onto my relationship, so I just want to write my concerns/worries here.

Bf and I have been together 18 months. He very much values his independence and doesn't like to feel suffocated by friends/family/me so he needs quite a lot of space. I need space too (although not quite as much as him) so that works well really. We see each other twice a week and phone/text in the meantime. We aren't ready to live together yet - he lives an hour away from me and I have just bought my first house and would like some time in it myself first. I have only recently started to properly understand him and feel settled in the relationship - it feels like after a year now we are no longer on our best behaviour which is actually a good thing - the relationship feels settled and relaxed.

He is pretty disorganised and lives day to day whereas I am much more organised and think about the future a lot. It has always been me to be the one to initiate conversations about the future and he gives me an answer of 'I wouldn't be with you now if I didn't think there was a future', and we talk about marriage and kids in general (we both want them) but not specifically with each other.

I guess I'm concerned because I feel like at this point we should have made some kind of commitment to each other that this is what we are working towards? Or should I just accept it as tacit as he said he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see a future?

I suppose I am looking for reassurance from him but also don't want to rush the relationship or suffocate him. It is only recently that it has started to bother me and is probably related to the anxieties in the other areas of my life.

I am 30 and aware that I have a time limit for having kids too (due to previous health issues it will probably take me a while to conceive) so this is partly driving my anxieties.

Should I expect him/ask him to explicitly commit? Does anyone have any thoughts?

@Gilda152

OP he's my husband not my BF but yes it does work well 😁

Oops! Apologies.

So I haven't heard from him in over 24 hours and he is supposed to be coming over to talk tomorrow. Admittedly we don't communicate loads inbetween seeing each other and I know he was out last night and will have been super busy with work due to new covid restrictions but we usually message a bit more than this. It's not looking good is it? I wish he'd just put me out of my misery now tbh.

I'm desperately fighting the urge to contact him to see if he is even still coming tomorrow! I suppose there's nothing I can do but wait...

Realist well I do T really know where to start!
Basically he started off the move convo off his own back, I was sooo excited.. Him moving to me and that would work so much better for me (and is possible for him with some changes imp not huge ones)
Then came the convo of he doesn't want to move his job which entailed a non commute so basically he's there and I'm here.
Then we discussed moving in between so we both compromised and he changed his mind.
So the last option was for me to move to him.. And here we are. Me still saying I'm willing to (although in all honesty I can see its something I'm being forced into and won't do)
He STILL brings in negatives.. We go round in circles. Now he's literally putting things in place that are unreasonable yet will make me feel bad by saying 'would you want me to be unhappy?'
So I need to call it a day.. So crap after this long but like you've said I could potentially waste many years to come waiting for all what he wants.
Sorry a rant! He's due over tonight and I feel so deflated!!

Did he come over OP?

I've been with my BF for 18 months too. We haven't had the future chat but I know neither of us want to live together or get married. I know/feel that he is very committed to our relationship. However we are in our late 40's / early 50's. If I was your age I'd be wanting a whole lot more.

Hope you got what you wanted from your chat.

I hope Your BF did come over and that you did go ahead and have a proper the conversation that you wanted.
One thing that has struck me from your posts is a couple of times you've said you've tried to keep your emotions out of this so you can think/decide better. However you're talking about your relationship - which is actually ALL ABOUT your emotions, so to me, keeping your emotions out of it is counter productive. You should be in a relationship where your (and his) emotions are fully involved!

Also - after 18 months, if you still get to Wednesday and are not sure if your partner is coming over the next day - that would ring alarm bells for me. Are you each others "option" if time and other commitments allow - or are you both making equal efforts to spend time together?

Like others have said on this thread I'd worry about the relationship and both of your commitment to each other. Nothing necessarily wrong with the type of relationship you have - but if you want marriage and kids the type of relationship you currently have doesn't appear compatible to that. So if kids and marriage is something you want I think making some changes are whats needed - spend long periods of time together doing the everyday stuff not just holidays and weekends. Seriously look at where you both could live - and take steps to make that happen. If EITHER of you baulk at this - then you have your answer - sorry if that's the case.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your thoughts. The conversation went surprisingly well - perhaps I need to give him more credit. He said he does want a future and a family with me and he does want to settle down with me, although he is not overly keen on the idea of marriage as a concept - this is something one of us will need to compromise on in the future (if I have children with him I will want all the legal entitlements of marriage so even if we don't have the wedding 'day' I would need that in place) but that is a conversation for another day. He is happy to move forwards with spending more 'normal' time together in each other's spaces so we are going to start with spending full weekends together, rather than just one day and this is beginning this weekend at his suggestion. I am glad we had this conversation, the future now seems like less of a taboo topic for us.

@NewYearHere20 you are right that relationships are about emotions but I think this situation also required some clarity - I needed to be objective in case he tried to string me along and I let my emotional state allow me to believe he might commit one day. I read a lot on this forum about how this has happened to others so I wanted to be sure I didn't fall into the same trap and could think sensibly about what he was really saying. I was only unsure that he was coming over because in my head I'd made up a narrative that I'd annoyed him by asking the question and that he was running away from it (I have a tendency to do this) but happily that wasn't the case and he was always intending on coming over.

Of course there are no certainties in life and there are no guarantees that it will work but I feel happier now knowing we are working towards the same goals.

Ok I'm back again.

Last weekend we spent the extended time together as per the new plan, at his instigation. We had a lovely time, and he said this himself.

This week he seems to have backed off again and suggested we only see each other once this weekend because I am visiting family friends and it would mean a lot of driving in one day if I am going to see both them and him.

I am not sure if I am focusing too much on this. He could well just be being considerate of me and when I saw him during the week this week he was talking about when he can come over to do some DIY for me, suggesting things he could get me for Xmas, but my anxious side is saying 'alarm bells! He's already going back on what you agreed!'

I am also conscious that he may be feeling a bit exposed/vulnerable with the new commitment he has made and could be backtracking due to this. He is avoidant by nature.

When he first said about me only coming over for one day I said absolutely not because it's not part of the plan. Later I asked him if he was backtracking/if he had a problem with it and he said he wasn't and didn't and that I should come over on both days as part of the new plan.

Any thoughts?

It's probably worth adding that he is extremely logical and rational whereas I am more emotional. He may well see the suggestion of me not coming on one day to save so much driving as being sensible, whereas I see it as rejection/lack of commitment