Discussing the future

[realist252]

I am feeling very anxious and not really myself at the moment - mainly due to covid restrictions lasting so long/missing my old life and unhappiness in my job, and these anxieties seem to be transferring onto my relationship, so I just want to write my concerns/worries here.

Bf and I have been together 18 months. He very much values his independence and doesn't like to feel suffocated by friends/family/me so he needs quite a lot of space. I need space too (although not quite as much as him) so that works well really. We see each other twice a week and phone/text in the meantime. We aren't ready to live together yet - he lives an hour away from me and I have just bought my first house and would like some time in it myself first. I have only recently started to properly understand him and feel settled in the relationship - it feels like after a year now we are no longer on our best behaviour which is actually a good thing - the relationship feels settled and relaxed.

He is pretty disorganised and lives day to day whereas I am much more organised and think about the future a lot. It has always been me to be the one to initiate conversations about the future and he gives me an answer of 'I wouldn't be with you now if I didn't think there was a future', and we talk about marriage and kids in general (we both want them) but not specifically with each other.

I guess I'm concerned because I feel like at this point we should have made some kind of commitment to each other that this is what we are working towards? Or should I just accept it as tacit as he said he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see a future?

I suppose I am looking for reassurance from him but also don't want to rush the relationship or suffocate him. It is only recently that it has started to bother me and is probably related to the anxieties in the other areas of my life.

I am 30 and aware that I have a time limit for having kids too (due to previous health issues it will probably take me a while to conceive) so this is partly driving my anxieties.

Should I expect him/ask him to explicitly commit? Does anyone have any thoughts?

Are you sure you want children, OP, or could that urge be a residual instinct to further the species and nothing to do with your own individual needs and wants?

If you have a child, you can basically kiss goodbye to your personal space for the next 20 years (if not forever.) Are you suited to that? There is a lot of societal expectation on women to have children, even (or especially) when this would massively impact our finances and career.

I honestly think if you're not suited to being a parent (ie having a small human basically welded to you for ~5 years and then emotionally dependent on you forever) then don't do it.

It's not a character failing to not be a natural parent (or partner). I ttc for many years with 2 long term partners but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't conceive.

I realised this when my partner was about to have a fairly major surgery and told me id need to take him to the toilet and wipe his arse while in recovery. I was like "erm no, get them to send a carer". I'm simply not the type of lovely caring person who could do this, and it's best for both me and my potential partners that this is understood from day one!

I think I am treading on eggshells because I know he finds these conversations difficult

Doesn’t sound like a recipe for long term happiness.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Are you sure you want children, OP, or could that urge be a residual instinct to further the species and nothing to do with your own individual needs and wants?

If you have a child, you can basically kiss goodbye to your personal space for the next 20 years (if not forever.) Are you suited to that? There is a lot of societal expectation on women to have children, even (or especially) when this would massively impact our finances and career.

I honestly think if you're not suited to being a parent (ie having a small human basically welded to you for ~5 years and then emotionally dependent on you forever) then don't do it.

It's not a character failing to not be a natural parent (or partner). I ttc for many years with 2 long term partners but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't conceive.

I realised this when my partner was about to have a fairly major surgery and told me id need to take him to the toilet and wipe his arse while in recovery. I was like "erm no, get them to send a carer". I'm simply not the type of lovely caring person who could do this, and it's best for both me and my potential partners that this is understood from day one!

Family is important to me so yes, I do want kids - not right now as I am not yet ready to give up my freedom, but definitely in the future.

@HappyDays10101

I think I am treading on eggshells because I know he finds these conversations difficult

Doesn’t sound like a recipe for long term happiness.

Why? Because I am being considerate of him or because he finds talking about emotions hard?

@Aquamarine1029

You are not suited for each other. You would both know by now if this was "it."

Stop wasting your time.

I personally do feel like this is 'it' and I consider our future together a lot eg recently I have been looking for a new job and have been mindful of location so that it works for the relationship. I just want to know that we are on the same page and that he feels the same.

I have previously asked him about his commitment to the relationship and he believes he shows it through his actions (which is fair to an extent - he makes the effort to come to see me, does DIY in my house, makes a big effort with my friends and family, has integrated my into his friendship group etc) so therefore doesn't need to express it verbally but I think it is time now to have an honest discussion about where things are going.

Fingers are crossed for you. I am 50, divorced, and have children and your relationship sounds ideal. I don't think you have to be swept off your feet to love someone deeply. It sounds like you are both level-headed and strong people. This is wonderful. Be careful not to let fear of rejection have too much power. I went through rejection I thought would kill me when my husband left for someone 22 years younger. It was insane. But I am still standing and I have 2 beautiful children. Life is unpredictable and often hurts. If you have found someone you think may be your life partner don't undermine things because of fear of rejection. You have to learn to cope with that and you can.
You could see your friends without your boyfriend during the week. I do think 1 weekend day after 18 months given your age and goals is skimpy and you should try to integrate more. You don't have to do it this week....as your said you just started opening up. But it should be on your radar and I don't think you should put much more than another 6 months into this without some clarity if marriage and children are a serious goal.
Wishing you all good things!

@blisstwins

Fingers are crossed for you. I am 50, divorced, and have children and your relationship sounds ideal. I don't think you have to be swept off your feet to love someone deeply. It sounds like you are both level-headed and strong people. This is wonderful. Be careful not to let fear of rejection have too much power. I went through rejection I thought would kill me when my husband left for someone 22 years younger. It was insane. But I am still standing and I have 2 beautiful children. Life is unpredictable and often hurts. If you have found someone you think may be your life partner don't undermine things because of fear of rejection. You have to learn to cope with that and you can. You could see your friends without your boyfriend during the week. I do think 1 weekend day after 18 months given your age and goals is skimpy and you should try to integrate more. You don't have to do it this week....as your said you just started opening up. But it should be on your radar and I don't think you should put much more than another 6 months into this without some clarity if marriage and children are a serious goal. Wishing you all good things!

Thank you so much! I’m so sorry to hear about the tough time you’ve been through but I’m also glad you’ve made it through the other side.

You are absolutely right that I need to overcome my fear of rejection. It’s a work in progress - for a long time I avoided relationships so that I wouldn’t have to risk possible rejection so the fact that I’ve been in one for 18 months is a pretty big deal for me!

I realise that I do need to bring this up with bf. I am quite impulsive and would rather do it sooner rather than later but acting on impulse has not served me well in the past. I am wondering whether to outline my thoughts on the phone to him tomorrow so that he has time to think about things before we see each other on Thursday, or whether I should just wait until we see each other face to face. My concern with broaching it tomorrow is that he may be annoyed that I didn’t wait but if I wait til Thursday he might be a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights and feel like I am putting him on the spot.

What do you think?

@blisstwins oops the last message was from me (realist252) under a different name! Currently using phone instead of laptop and can’t seem to change my name back

No worries. I am on my phone too and it can be a bother. You don’t have to decide any of this right now, this week, or anything....you have a good relationship and you are enjoying it. But sometime soon when the time feels right, suggest you start spending 2 weekend a month together the whole weekend and she friends together or start seeing friends during the week. You can say you really enjoy the way things are, but he knows you want marriage and children so at some point you have to get from here to there. This is all about you and him. I just don’t think you should not talk about this stuff, let years go by, and end up devastated after when you want children and feel you wasted your fertile years. If you made a lot of progress 3 months ago you can defense how good it feels that you opened up and hope the relationship can continue to grow. Maybe seeing each other more is one way....you get what I am suggesting. It is crazy late in the morning where I am so will try again to sleep. Wishing you all good things and don’t be afraid. You are in a good position.

and we talk about marriage and kids in general (we both want them) but not specifically with each other.

This says a lot. "Not specifically with each other"? I feel that at 18 months in, if you really did want children with each other, you'd know by now.
You say you are not ready to live together. You live quite separate lives in different areas. There doesn't seem to be a move towards spending more time with each other or any discussion about one of you moving to a different area.
I think it sounds like your DP is quite happy with the way things are - he has his own life, own home, own friends and then has a good relationship with you too.
You sound like you are quite happy with it too - I wonder if you really do want marriage and children or do you feel you have to or that this is the logical next step because of society's expectations?
It all sounds a bit wishy washy to me. I think you need to start by thinking about what you really do want.
The sort of relationship you have at the moment is fine and works well for lots of people. If there's a burning desire in you to have children then that's different. Examine your thoughts about children - if you really do want them I think you maybe need to look for someone else. This guy is years off being ready for that and you'd have many stages of a relationship to go through first before you would be ready as a couple.

@blisstwins

No worries. I am on my phone too and it can be a bother. You don’t have to decide any of this right now, this week, or anything....you have a good relationship and you are enjoying it. But sometime soon when the time feels right, suggest you start spending 2 weekend a month together the whole weekend and she friends together or start seeing friends during the week. You can say you really enjoy the way things are, but he knows you want marriage and children so at some point you have to get from here to there. This is all about you and him. I just don’t think you should not talk about this stuff, let years go by, and end up devastated after when you want children and feel you wasted your fertile years. If you made a lot of progress 3 months ago you can defense how good it feels that you opened up and hope the relationship can continue to grow. Maybe seeing each other more is one way....you get what I am suggesting. It is crazy late in the morning where I am so will try again to sleep. Wishing you all good things and don’t be afraid. You are in a good position.

Thank you so much for your kindness. I have spoken to him on the phone tonight and said I want to talk about it on Thursday so he has a few days to get used to the idea and he won't feel put on the spot. I am scared of what he will say and that he might feel backed into a corner but I do think we need to have the conversation.

On the phone tonight he said he's really happy with the relationship etc but I explained that I am on a time frame and I need to know that he is on board with that and that we are on the same page. I love him so much and we have so much fun together but I guess if he can't commit now then he is unlikely to in the future.

Another thing - he said he wanted to give me 'the right answer' as if he wanted to placate me? I told him the right answer was the honest one. I wonder if he is even capable of having this conversation.

My anxious nature means I am desperate to text him now and get some reassurance that he still loves me and wants to be with me but I suppose the best thing to do would be to give him space to really consider if he sees a future.

God this is so hard!

Sounds like you are both going through the motions, doesn't sound like you're relationship has the legs to progress

@Nyclair

Sounds like you are both going through the motions, doesn't sound like you're relationship has the legs to progress

I don't believe I am going through the motions - I love him and we have such fun together but I have tried to be objective in the thread so as not to allow emotions to sway me. I'm not sure what the point of 'going through the motions' in a relationship would be? Why would he do that (if indeed that is what he is doing) if he could get someone he could be more real with? These are genuine questions, I have never understood why someone would be in a relationship with a person they didnt love and want a future with

Move in together before having a baby. A baby is stress enough. You need to work through the drama of sharing and figure it out first.

You can give him an ultimatum. Fact is, if he's committed he'll step up and if he isn't, he's probably not worth wasting time on. Assuming you really do want a family.

@Wryt

Move in together before having a baby. A baby is stress enough. You need to work through the drama of sharing and figure it out first.

You can give him an ultimatum. Fact is, if he's committed he'll step up and if he isn't, he's probably not worth wasting time on. Assuming you really do want a family.

Thank you, that's the plan. Now to sit with my anxiety for 2 days before I see him...

I read this with interest, I've just posted a similar post regarding my future with my partner of 4yrs..and on it goes.. I hate to say I'm still clinging on but think I kmow fee down we are either going to have to live seperate or break up.. Its one of the hardest things when you love someone.
I hope your talk goes well and you get a positive responce

OP you sound very confused about what level of commitment you are able to offer so you're projecting the question onto him.

I've been with DH for nearly 6 years, married 3 and we still live separately an hour apart because, like you say, it's nice to look forward to seeing each other etc and we both like our own space. I think you want the reassurance of an insurance policy that he's not going anywhere whilst actually not wanting to live together etc yet because then the dating phase spell will be broken. Am I close?

I was waiting for DD to go to uni so we could buy a house together. She's just gone and I'm out of reasons why we shouldn't go ahead and do it. It's a confusing time. They say where you find one commitment phobe, you'll find another one right there with them. I think that's true and it can look a lot like enjoying your own space. We love our separated life and I like the reassurance of having a husband there for 'later on' when I want to live together and grow old and he I think probably feels exactly the same. But your position is different you want children with this man. So I think you need to live together first, 100%.

Although you say you love him a lot, I can sense that you’re holding back some of that and wonder if you are questioning if it’s reciprocated? You love him, you both have fun together but do you feel that he loves you back just the same?

People have different ideas of what a relationship looks like and he may well be very happy with things because he just wants a relaxed girlfriend who he can hang out with but nothing serious. It sounds like this is him and you have feelings inside that you’re repressing for fear of putting him off?

You can get on really well with something but not be on the same page enough to make this a forever relationship. Maybe if you’ve avoided relationships, you’re more eager to make this work at any cost? You shouldn’t have to censor yourself if it’s right. If you speak freely from the heart and he doesn’t want the same thing, you will find the right man, but it will save you wasting your time.

@GRIC14

I read this with interest, I've just posted a similar post regarding my future with my partner of 4yrs..and on it goes.. I hate to say I'm still clinging on but think I kmow fee down we are either going to have to live seperate or break up.. Its one of the hardest things when you love someone. I hope your talk goes well and you get a positive responce

Ooh I'll check out your post. What does your partner say when you ask him about the future? Mine has been pretty non-committal in the past but I will only be accepting a direct response from him when I talk to him on Thursday as I have given him a few days to think about it. It is so hard when you love someone and I have cried a lot today because I don't think he is going to be able to give me the answer that I want but I need to be objective and rational about this, otherwise I could waste years in a relationship that's going nowhere.

@Gilda152

OP you sound very confused about what level of commitment you are able to offer so you're projecting the question onto him.

I've been with DH for nearly 6 years, married 3 and we still live separately an hour apart because, like you say, it's nice to look forward to seeing each other etc and we both like our own space. I think you want the reassurance of an insurance policy that he's not going anywhere whilst actually not wanting to live together etc yet because then the dating phase spell will be broken. Am I close?

I was waiting for DD to go to uni so we could buy a house together. She's just gone and I'm out of reasons why we shouldn't go ahead and do it. It's a confusing time. They say where you find one commitment phobe, you'll find another one right there with them. I think that's true and it can look a lot like enjoying your own space. We love our separated life and I like the reassurance of having a husband there for 'later on' when I want to live together and grow old and he I think probably feels exactly the same. But your position is different you want children with this man. So I think you need to live together first, 100%.

Yes, I will certainly miss the dating spell phase and I am afraid of that disappearing when we do move in together but we have never even discussed moving in together so I don't even know if that is on the cards. I am afraid I may be a convenient girlfriend - someone who he can show off at social events so he's not the only single one and someone to spend time with when he's not otherwise busy but not someone he sees a future with.

That is probably a bit unfair towards him though as he has worked hard to understand me and my needs (as I have with his), shows me love and affection, makes an effort to plan nice things for us to do etc but without the commitment of working towards a future together I do feel a bit like a part-timer in his life, if that makes sense.

Btw my parents have the arrangement that you and your bf have - they are together but live separately and have done ever since I was about 15. It works really well for them!

@Rgy3250999

Although you say you love him a lot, I can sense that you’re holding back some of that and wonder if you are questioning if it’s reciprocated? You love him, you both have fun together but do you feel that he loves you back just the same?

People have different ideas of what a relationship looks like and he may well be very happy with things because he just wants a relaxed girlfriend who he can hang out with but nothing serious. It sounds like this is him and you have feelings inside that you’re repressing for fear of putting him off?

You can get on really well with something but not be on the same page enough to make this a forever relationship. Maybe if you’ve avoided relationships, you’re more eager to make this work at any cost? You shouldn’t have to censor yourself if it’s right. If you speak freely from the heart and he doesn’t want the same thing, you will find the right man, but it will save you wasting your time.

Yes, I am definitely afraid of pushing him away and I am very eager to make this work. I think you are right though. I will speak freely and from the heart on Thursday but I will also need to be very calm and rational in case he tries to bullshit me with his answers/tell me what he thinks I want to hear, which is a definite possibility. I think he will feel that his independence is being threatened and therefore be reluctant to have a direct conversation. If this is the case I will have to let him go.

Neither of you sound ready to have a family or to even discuss it tbh. What you've described is casual dating. I'd be wondering if at 30 after 18 months this is still the right thing for you, but only you know if you're happy in it. If you are and he said he can see the future with you already then I really don't know what you want to discuss with him now and why If you actually aren't happy with him then obviously there's nothing to discuss.

@PurplePansy05

Neither of you sound ready to have a family or to even discuss it tbh. What you've described is casual dating. I'd be wondering if at 30 after 18 months this is still the right thing for you, but only you know if you're happy in it. If you are and he said he can see the future with you already then I really don't know what you want to discuss with him now and why If you actually aren't happy with him then obviously there's nothing to discuss.

I am happy with how things are for now, but I want things to progress soon so that we can work towards a future together. It doesn't have to be super quick - I'm thinking spending whole weekends as well as an evening in the week together, then maybe living half the week at each other's houses, then making a decision about moving in, then marriage, then kids but at the moment as you say it is still quite casual and hasn't changed since the early days of seeing each other (we spend the occasional weekend together but this is not the norm).

He has said he can see a future with me but we have not discussed what that future looks like or how we will work towards it, so that feels pretty non-committal to me and that is why I want to discuss it. I want to discuss it now because we are 18 months in and this seems like a reasonable point by which he should know how he feels. By now I would like to be working towards building a life together.

OP he's my husband not my BF but yes it does work well 😁