Lots of things going on&not sure if it's normal or just me.

[babayjane67]

Hi
Been with my partner for 13 yrs,known him for 15.
We have an 11 yr old dd together &I have 2 adult DDS from my marriage,plus 2 grandchildren.
Lots of things going on over the years but not sure if it's just me or not.might be just petty stuff.
He works full time,I work 2 part time jobs at DDS school.
Hes said back last yr about me doing more hours so that he can do less,when dd was at secondary,which she now is.which I'm not happy about as he does nothing to help with the housework.wont even wash up on a working day,only on a day off.if I ask him to,he gets quite funny with me&acts like I've asked him to cut off his right arm! On a Sunday,we haven't had a roast lunch for few months now as he never wants one when I say about it.the only reason is because he's gotta wash it up! We've always done it that way on a Sun&my elder kids used to do it when they lived at home.i cook it&he/they washed&wiped it up.now though it's always no I don't fancy a roast&he will pk something that's easy to wash up or that he can leave to me the next morning.so I know if I take on something with more hrs&he does less, housework will still be left to me.
Things only get done if it's something HE wants to do,house/garden wise&I'm expected to help with doing it but if it's something I say wants/needs doing it doesn't get done or I've gotta go on about it for weeks before he does do it.
He never really discusses anything with me,he just decides that's what's gonna be done&tells me rather than asks me about it.
Communication is awful between us,always has been.ive tried to talk to him about it numerous times but nothing changes.he either says hes too tired to talk or he goes straight on the defensive &turns it straight back on me! We end up arguing&nothing gets resolved.ive suggested counselling but he said no!
Things hes told me about in the past,when the subjects come up again&I mention what he said,he denies he ever said it&gets quite nasty about it.
He puts things across in such a way when he's talking alot of the time that it sounds like he's having a go or being sarcastic etc.im constantly saying to him it's not what u say but how u say it!
He's never grateful for anything.hardly ever says please or thankyou for anything.its got a bit better but not much.my 2 adult daughter's gave up buying him Christmas or birthday presents because he was always so bloody ungrateful& oh thankyou sooo much in a sarcastic stupid way.
He can bring the atmosphere down when he comes in.more so in the past than now.used to be terrible!
We never have a date night or anything like that.he never wants to spend any time with me,just me unless it's shopping but never wants to go out anywhere just with me.even on my 50th birthday,we both had the day off as I had a hosp app,I don't drive so he took me in&I said we could go for a nice pub meal somewhere after.he said don't u think DD would like to come with us??!! So we ended up just coming home&doing nothing til she came home from school.he hardly spoke to me,just sat on the laptop playing poker.
When we first got together he told me he liked a certain comedy show that was on at the time,same as me,I loved it! Then he admitted couple of yrs ago when I brought it up how great it was etc trying to make conversation,that he hated it really!
Also we went to the theater at the beginning with 2 of my friends,a couple,&I thought great he loves the theatre as much as me&could see us going to more shows.wrong again! He only went because he liked that show.was never interested in seeing any others I asked about going to see.
I don't know I'm probably rambling on now sorry.i can probably think of more but this has ended up being a long post.
Is it just me?is it just petty stuff?

He sounds a right miserable, nasty dickhead. Sure its just 'little stuff', if you count being disrespected, gaslighted and having the life drained out of you and your kids for evermore 'little stuff'.

Realistically op, do you want to stay with this asshole for the rest of your life? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking living in an atmosphere like this where the man literally couldn't give a shit about anyone but himself, is normal?

I think you deserve better op. Hell, everyone does.

Sounds like he's "checked out", as it's usually described here. Sounds miserable for all of you, but especially your daughter - it's literally the only family life she will know. Sad.
ive suggested counselling but he said no!
Did he say why not?

He sounds like really hard work and it’s not much of a life for you. Reminds me of my exh tbh. It is soul destroying to be with someone like that.

How would he take it if you suggested divorce?

He's an entitled arsehole who's had everything his own way for so long, he's not ever going to change.

You simply need to decide whether to make yourself a new social life with your DC or friends that doesn't include him (but still live with him), or whether you'd be happier if you divorced him and lived alone, free to do what you want, when you want, how you want.

He's never going to stop being a ''fun sponge'' who delights in stopping everyone's fun, you need to decide whether you still want to put up with it, or not....................................

Ravenmum yes I worry about that with DD as she never sees any real affection between us.hes not demonstrative,never has been.he will give me a kiss goodnite when he goes to bed before me,which he normally does due to his job,but when we go together when he's off I get nothing.
He never sits with me to watch TV.
We aren't married so I spose that is a bonus.weve had alot of debt we've been paying off so that has stoppede from doing anything before as I couldn't pay it all ofg in my own.
He just said he doesn't think we need counselling.

babayjane

Some questions for you:-
What are you still getting out of this relationship now?.
Are you with this man out of some fear of him, a fear of being alone or something?.
What is keeping you still with this man, a man at that whom you have written about repeatedly?.
Why are you writing comments that do your own self down like "is it me?" or "is this just petty stuff?". The answer is no on both counts.

How many more years are you going to sacrifice your wellbeing and mental health for, not just to say your kids as well, on this man who is abusive and clearly not worthy of you?. You have written about this man repeatedly and yet you are still on this merry go round with him. Nothing is going to change here re you two as long as you and he remain together for what are really your own reasons. One day and sooner rather than later all your children will leave home; what then for you?. I cannot see these people by then at all wanting to go home to visit either of you because you are still putting him before your own self and them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Catsarelush how did u cope with it?

He will never go to counselling because he feels entitled to treat you with such disdain and thinks he has done nothing wrong here in regards to you. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship so this would be a non starter here.

The people who I feel sorry for in all this are the children involved particularly your youngest because this abusive relationship is all she has seen from you two. What sort of a relationship example are you both showing her?.

In my case we separated then 9 months later he decided he regretted everything and we got back together. He tried hard going on days out and doing stuff with the kids he had never ever done before which he knew I wanted but sadly it was too late for me.

We had a horrible divorce as he was angry and thought I should have accepted he had changed but I know it was superficial. He’s still miserable today five years on.

Is it abusive though?? I know there are different kinds of abuse.i know it isn't just dv but he's no Geoff like in Corrie!
He loves our DD&really he's all about her.ive had family members comment on the fact that everything's all about her&not me.
We do go on holidays&days out but he never wants to come out for a dog walk with us or just me.he rarely walks anywhere! He would rather drive to a park! The 2 local ones we have he's hardly ever been to even when dd was young.
He worked all through lockdown as he's a lorry driver delivering food,but he wouldn't come on any of the once a day walks with us.
When we do go out on a day trip it's gotta be where HE wants to go&it's gotta be doing something.hes not good at just going for a walk sitting in a pub garden(before lockdown).
I've been wanting to go to our local Arboretum for years&have asked couple of times but he always moans&says what's to do there except for trees!
Same for going to Switzerland to holiday with his brother.took me a yr or 2 to persuade him to go as he kept moaning saying what's there? Only mountains!
As I'm writing this,I've got a film on the TV& I'm on here,my DDS sat next to her dad on her tablet&he's on the laptop playing Ludo!(his new game obsession!)
To be fair,he has been out in the garden&done some painting that needed doing&he did wash up this morn though not wiped up (he's off today)

Atilla my elder DDS both left home a whole ago.theyre both married&my eldest has kids of her own.they both still come to visit especially the eldest as the kids are quite close in age to my youngest DD.so we see quite alot of them.
I'm already worrying about what will happen when she leaves home too&I have voiced it though not actually tried to sit him down&talk about it properly.he will prob just do what he usually does.
If we stay together I will have to do as much as I can with friends I have I guess.i don't know.
My mum &dad were married for 40 yrs before my dad passed away.although I never saw them being particularly affectionate with each other,they were happy.never argued in front of us etc.

I'm not sure if I would say abuse but...its definately neglectful. He is cold and neglectful towards his wives feelings. And that isn't ok.

Also I did wonder about him needing to say he hated that tv show that he used to claim he loved and knows you love. Seems...spiteful. As if he said it to hurt you. So it did make me wonder...if there's a lot of that going on then its arguably abusive.

It also possibly falls under gaslighting if he is claiming to like something one moment and then, when you try to find common ground with him, he is throwing it back in your face by u-turning (you know like 'I never said I liked that' ect...).

It sounds like he is not someone you can just relax around. Without wondering wtf he his mood will be like at the next moment.

And that's really no way to live.
It doesnt need to be abuse.
If you are unhappy, you have every right to end things.

Well I do not know who Geoff in Corrie is but that is a fictional character and you are describing your real life. You are being abused and otherwise mistreated by this man. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

Your man is all about him and what he wants; what you want is of no consideration to him whatsoever. You really want to live like this with him for potentially the next 30 or so years?. Why do you think deep down he is all you deserve, do you think you are unlovable so think this is all you deserve from life and a relationship?. He has no real regard for your DD either because if he did he would not be treating you as her mother like this.

Go to this Arboretum on your own if he is of no mind to; this is another version of his messing you about with this holiday to Switzerland. You're a long time dead and you are not living but existing and dancing to his tune.

He is truly a fun sponge and will continue to destroy you from the inside out. You have a choice too re this man and your DD does not. Your boundaries are so low as to be non existent here. He doing some painting, gardening and the washing up is really the barest of bare minimums; you carry far more mental load here.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You cannot answer that question can you and that is really because you are really getting nothing out of this.

“ my 2 adult daughter's gave up buying him Christmas or birthday presents because he was always so bloody ungrateful& oh thankyou sooo much in a sarcastic stupid way.”

Just this by itself is WTF - I wouldn’t stay with someone like this as he’s clearly not a nice person, he sounds like a tool.

I would also think your adult children wonder what on earth you still see in this man. Its a question you really do need to ask your own self too.

Can you afford a dishwasher? If you can, I’d get one. Consider getting rid of him at the same time. It doesn’t sound to me as though he’s much use to you.

I would be getting a full time job with a view to leaving him.

I would wonder if he wants you to obtain more work hours so he can leave you.
Or, perhaps, he is just tired of always being the provider - always being needed (for money, for driving, for companionship) and he wants a break.
Bottom line to me - he just doesn't like you very much since he avoids being alone with you. I would plan your escape.

Hi op

Sorry to ask but are you both still intimate with each other ?
Can you afford to get a smaller place for you and your dd at all ?

I can't get to the arboretum unless he or sy eldest DD takes me in the car as no buses there.
I've thought about a dishwasher more than once yes.itd probably have to come out my money&not sure I can afford it.
I earn my own money&pay some bills out of it.also help buy things we need for the house etc.so it's not all on him but he obviously gets the bulk because he earns alot more than me.
Guilty pleasures I don't mind I asking at all.we haven't had sex in 9yrs now.part of it is because it hurt sometimes but also partly because I got bored of it because it was always in the same way,always in bed etc&I had to always take the initiative 9times out of 10.

What is the point of this man?. What is the point of you and he actually being together now in this sexless and otherwise loveless relationship?.

I don't know Atilla

So what does that answer tell you?

How can you get this man out of your life?. It’s certainly not doing you any favours having him in your life.

You aren't married to him.
You have a job and are making your own money.
Your 11-yr-old DD is not that attached to him.
Your oldest two daughters are away on their own (and don't like him either).
Find a place to live closer to where you work. Or find a better job near public transport. Move yourself and your daughter out of there. She will be gone in six years - show her a better life now, so she won't "settle" like you did.
You will be happier on your own with a book and a cat than you are with Mr. FunSponge sapping away your confidence.

Our DD would be devastated! She's at an awkward age now,will be 12 next week.im not gonna do anything this close to her birthday.
She's always been a daddy's girl.
I should have done it years ago really when she was still little.then again I don't wanna break up another family&bring another child up on my own without the dad around.